Chapter 67 - Unconditional Love

I just realized that what I described is a type of unconditional love. Yet another "Ah Ha" moment in my life.

Odd, I had never thought about that before. It is not a romantic kind of love, in my mind, but something more than that, if that makes any sense. It has nothing to do with dating or sex, but it is deeper and more profound than that. It is from one soul to another. It can transcend time and space, therefore being more on a metaphysical level than a physical level.

But how do you explain this to someone? It is a bit like explaining the existence of God. How do you make someone understand? And how wonderful would it feel to have that type of love returned? What a gift that would be.

There is no way to escape it or run away from it or forget it, because it is always with you. And as much as it hurts when unconditional love isn't returned, eventually you get to a place where you accept it - you stop fighting it. I have faith in my unconditional love because it comes from a place of goodness, and whether it is returned or not, does not diminish the love.

There is a line from the new Eagles song "Waiting in the Weeds", and it says "If love is just a dance, proximity and chance, you will excuse me if I skip the masquerade." That is how I feel about love. I don't want to play the 'game' of love anymore. Love isn't about just finding 'someone' to spend time with, someone who I am attracted to physically, who happens to be close - that is lust. Love has to be more than that.

I am who I am and I like myself, with all my quirks and foibles, and if someone can not accept me, it really is their loss. I know that I am capable of unconditional love and I am unwilling to have any other type now. It would feel as if I were settling - and I just can't do that again.

Rett represents something in my life that I am sure very few people understand. As I said in the last chapter, he is tied to a special place in my heart, and he will always be a part of my life. My friends dislike him for what he has done to me, and I know they would prefer if I hated him, but I have done that and it is self-destructive. Now that I understand what my feelings are for him, and why they are - I can live with that.

My heart will always be open to him, if he should ever wish to enter. There would be no questions asked, no excuses needed. That is how it is and will always be. I tried to tell him that, to make him understand, but he was not in a place where he was willing to hear, he was too busy looking for the Exit sign, too afraid that he was going to get hurt.

This jouney has been a struggle at times. I have written some horrible details about Rett, and I have analyzed him, and yes…even judged him. It has been all part of my journey, and I couldn't have gotten to this point without going through all of that. I have dealt with the hurt, the hate, the revenge…the plotting and the scheming and the wanting and the needing (there's that word again). Now all I want is peace, and love as I go forward with a healthy heart and head.

My theologian friend said to me in the first e-mail she sent, something so simple. She said "I will pray for you, and for your child…and I will pray for Rett." I knew immediately that she, more than my friends, family and therapist, knew how I felt about Rett. I want only the best for him, I want him to be happy and safe, because he is special to me.

I wish Rett could understand

Chapter 66 - I Knew Him

Rett accused me of not knowing him, and he was partially right. I didn't know the every day things about him, the mundane things like whether he preferred coffee or tea, or if he were a morning person or a night owl. I didn't know the details about his life - how could I? I only knew what he shared and what I could derive from what he wrote, and how he wrote. But I wanted to get to know him. I wanted to know all about him - good and bad. He didn't have to pretend with me.

Often when we meet someone new we put our best foot forward, mould ourselves to fit into what we think the other person wants. We very rarely are our true selves until we have known the person for a while. We want to connect with the other person, so we bend the truth of ourselves a bit, to fit in, to be accepted.

Rett and I didn't have to do this. I knew him. I knew the darkness in his soul, and I wanted to find out why it was there. What had caused him to be dark? And he was dark. I have seen it, and heard it. Even his voice changes when he is behaving from that side of his personality. But where does it come from? I wanted to know.

He lashes out and blames when he feels threatened, and he dislikes this about himself. He has boundaries (and speaks of them often), but are the boundaries there to protect him or to keep people out, to keep them at a safe distance so that he doesn't get hurt?

He has been hurt. And it is the kind of hurt that goes to the core, where the nerve endings are exposed. The kind of hurt that only comes from someone he loved and trusted - deeply, who betrayed or abused him. It could have been a relative or a spouse, but it had to be someone very close to his heart.

Rett is innately a tender-hearted, caring, compassionate person, who loves to love, and be loved. He is witty and so very bright, and he is deep, so deep that the waters of his soul are black. This is where the hurt is stored, in those deep waters, and he will do anything to protect his soul from being hurt again - even if it means hurting someone else. It is his survival technique, and it works for him. But at what cost?

Every once in a while, he would let me peak into the waters, and it was so worth the wait. I would have waited forever to get to know him, letting him take his time, to build up his trust. I know how it feels, because that is something he and I share. We are more alike than he will ever know.

What Rett didn't know, or didn't trust, was that I would never have hurt him. I would have protected him, just like I have protected him all these years. He is tied to a special place in my heart, and I can not change that - no matter what he says or does, or how hard I try to forget. It was safe with me. He could have let all those barriers down and let me in, and by doing so, free himself.

Oh, yes, I knew him.

Chapter 65 - The Keepsake

I bought a present for Rett when things were going well. It arrived after things went awry, and it is something that only he can use. While we were talking on the phone, he shared with me that he was going to buy a kilt, not just a kilt, but the whole outfit, and when he says everything…he means it.

Being the person that I am, I took note of this, and I thought "I'll bet he won't think to buy a kilt pin." I am Scottish too, so I know about these things, and I know where to shop to find the best. So I set about to find him a high-quality pin for his kilt. I know that his clan has their own coat of arms, and hence I found a sterling silver pin with his coat of arms on it. I ordered it because it was the perfect gift. It also has his clan motto on it "Repairer of Ruins", ironic don't you think.

So, what do I do with it? I can not give it to anyone else. I can not throw it away.

For now, I put it in my jewelry box with my special mementos, and some day…maybe for his 50th birthday, I will send it to him - anonymously. It makes no sense for me to keep it, as it will only make me sad to look at it.

I like having someone to buy thoughtful gifts for, and they are not a token of love nor is there a need for them to be reciprocated. I just like to give gifts. I listen to what people say, so finding the perfect gift has never been difficult for me.

It is unusual when someone finds the perfect gift for me. I rarely ask for things, and detest when someone asks me what I want for my birthday, or for Christmas, because to me, that means that they haven't been listening to me…or they haven't heard me…or they don't know me. You shouldn't have to ask someone what they want…you should know.

Chapter 64 - What do men think?

What do men think? (Funny when I typed this, I put mean instead of men - Freudian slip.) I would be curious to spend a day inside a man's head. I know that we are as different as night and day...Venus and Mars. I'm just so inquisitive about how their thought process works.

Women, tend to think too much, in my humble opinion. Before we react we think about the consequences of our actions, and what we say. We don't wait to see what will happen, we think about it before it even occurs. We always have other's feelings in mind. What would 'they' think if I did this - or if I said ‘that’ I would hurt ‘so and so's’ feelings.

And if you happen to put your needs first, think of yourself without taking into consideration others - then the guilt starts. They are going to think I am so selfish. How dare I think of me first?! You just can't win.

Women are nurtures by nature - that is their lot in life – to care for others. But when do we get a chance to take care of ourselves – our needs? Isn’t it only fair that we have a chance to do what we want? Find out who we are and what we like? Why do we have to do all the caring?

But men are innately selfish. It is not something that they become over the years. They are born like that. It is part of their survival instinct. There is no guilt for them. And if we are so lucky to find a male who doesn't think of himself and his needs first - we assume he must be gay. No winning for them either.

I want to understand. I’m not male-bashing here (although it may sound like it). I truly want to know how the male psyche works. I have spent the last several months fruitlessly seeking answers as to why Rett treated me as he did. I will likely go to my grave still asking the same questions.

My therapist has no answers, no one has answers. In order for me to let this go, I NEED to understand what he was thinking, and I suppose once I have the answer to that I will want to know why he did what he did. Why would one human being hurt another? What could the possible payback be for that?

I wish that I could just be more like a man...just for one day.

Chapter 63 - Dreams

No one prepares you for the aftermath of an abortion. There are no hand-outs for potential symptoms or expectations of how you might feel. There are no follow-up appointments. There is nothing. You are discarded and ignored because of what you have done. It may be different now, but twenty six years ago, that's how it was.

When a woman has a miscarriage, people gather around her to help her through her trauma. They offer advice and concern, and they are kind and considerate. They share their stories of their experiences. Sometimes there are even religious services to pay tribute to the lost child.

After I came home from the hospital, I had symptoms, but I wasn't sure if they were normal or not…but I had no one to ask…no one to share…no one to help. I felt so awfully empty.

And I had dreams of my baby, vivid dreams. I remember shortly after the abortion, having one dream in particular. I was in the hospital and someone brought my baby to me. I remember it so clearly.

He was all tightly wrapped in a blanket and I delicately uncovered him, like a precious gift, ever so carefully. I remember checking his fingers and toes, and then putting my index finger in the palm of his hand, and his tiny, long fingers closed around mine. I could feel his warm body in my arm as I reached down to kiss his forehead and smell his head – oh that smell – a mixture of baby powder and fresh baby. I remember him opening his dark eyes and looking directly into mine, as we were bonding. If I close my eyes, I can still feel him in my arms.

It is odd, but over the years I have always dreamed of him, and he has aged as any child. He has been growing up in my mind. Each dream would show me what he would be like at different milestones in his life.

I remember another dream I had of his first day of school and the aching in my heart as I put this tiny innocent child on a bus and watched as he slowly went out of my view. I can see the outfit that I had so carefully chosen for him to wear – blue cords with a light blue shirt – he looked so grown-up, yet so small. I remember him looking back at me as he took those tentative first steps onto the school bus steps, looking for the reassurance that it would be okay without me for the first time.

God he looked like his father. He was taller than most children his age, and he certainly didn't get that from me. His hair was still auburn (from Rett), curly and thick,…that was from me. He had my temperament – easy going, and he loved to laugh.

In the beginning these dreams would haunt me, terrify me because I thought I was losing my mind. After a few years I would welcome them because they were 'normal' by then. It brought me some peace as I watched Silas grow.

Rett was never in these dreams.

I guess it is all part of the aftermath.

Chapter 62 - To myself

I think I am ready to write that letter to myself that I have been procrastinating about. It is a letter from my 50 year old self to my 24 year old self to help her make her decision. Such as it is here it is...

Dear Annette.

I am so very sorry that you are going through this trauma. You have asked me for my advice, so such as it is, here it is.

I know that you are confused, hurt and so torn with your limited choices, but you need to take time to think. Try to imagine your life with each of your choices; one choice is to have the baby, and the other is to have an abortion. Right now you are thinking from a near-sighted perspective, because that's all you can do, and that is understandable. But take a minute or a day, and wear each decision as if you had already made it.

First (no particular order here) think about what will happen if you have the abortion. Will Rett be there to help you through that day or those days? How will you feel about your decision in a week, in a month, in a year…in 25 years. Do you want children? Will this decision impair your ability to have children in the future? If you don't have children, will this haunt you?

On the other hand, if you have the child, will Rett be there to help you? Will you get your family's support? How will you and the baby survive? Will it impede your career? Are you ready to go through a pregnancy alone? Are you prepared to raise the child alone if Rett does not support you?

Okay, so far all I have done is raise the questions that I am sure you have already gone through, or maybe not. You are really not in a frame of mind to be making decisions - life altering decisions, on your own. You have been lied to, taken advantage of, and left to make a horrible choice on your own. You shouldn't have to make that choice by yourself, because - you are not responsible for this.

I want you to understand that Rett has sole-responsibility for the situation you find yourself in - it is not your fault. It is unfortunate that he is unwilling to help - it is a shame that he could not take a minute and think of how horrid this is for you.

You are a strong, capable woman, and this will not be the defining moment of your life. Whatever you choose will be the right decision. I have faith in your ability to overcome this, and to move on with your life in the positive manner that you greet every challenge, because that is who you are.

As for Rett, it is his loss for not helping you, for not sharing with you in this difficult time. He will have to answer for his choices. It is also his loss for not taking the time to see what a wonderful human being you are, and his behaviour towards you - does not define you. You are so much better than that.

No matter what you choose, I will always love you.

Chapter 61 - Who am I?

I have been writing for months, but I really haven't spoken about who I am. I have talked at length about how I feel and what was done to me, but who am I?

Rett never really asked me questions about who I was. Was it because he didn't care to know or was he afraid to know - afraid to know the impact my short encounter with him had on my life?

I am funny, so much so that I can make people laugh with just a look, because they know I am thinking up something good. I amuse people constantly, and that is part of the reason why people like to work for me, and with me. I try to make each day pleasant.

As hard as I work, I want to enjoy the hours that I put in. I am quick, not just with my wit, but with insight. I can see the big picture of most scenarios, and that has made me a valued employee. I am known for my integrity and fair-mindedness, another reason why I have a great network of friends and colleagues.

Family is high on my priority list. We are not a large family, but we are close - cousins are included like brothers and sisters. We take care of one another and share our woes and our joys.

Over the last several years we have had some losses in our family, members with whom I was close. My grandmother was one of them. She and I became close after my grandfather passed away years ago. When she fell and broke her hip, it was the start of her demise. She later developped a gall bladder problem and they had to operate. At her age, any operation was dangerous, so I went home to be with her. She never fully recovered from her operation and passed away six weeks after. She was in an induced coma most of the time.

On the day that she passed into the next life, she regained consciousness just long enough to look into my eyes. She looked at me so deeply, like she was looking into my soul - as if she knew all. There was sadness in her eyes, like I had somehow failed her. I knew she knew my secret. It broke my heart - that look will never fade from my memory.

I wish I had the chance to explain to her, tell her my story, but I suspect she knows it all now and perhaps understands better. I pray she does.

Who am I - I am the culmination of all those who have gone before me. I am the sum of their parts. I am the totality of all my experiences – scars et al. I am the happiness derived from others. I hope I am the joy in someone else's day.

That is who I am.

How many tears?

How many tears do you have to cry
Before the hurt will subside?
How many times do you get hurt
Before you get off the ride?

How many times do you tell your story
Before it sounds just right?
How many times do you forgive others
Before you see the light?

How many times do you give love
Before you get some in return?
How many times do you say "Never again"
Before you say "It's my turn"?

How many hearts have to be broken
Before you find the right one?
How many tears must you cry
Before you are finally done?

Chapter 60 - How long?

How long does hurt last?

How long does the aching that goes all the way into the absolute centre of your soul last? I never understood what heartache was until now. It is a pain so intense that it will bring you to your knees and make you beg for it to stop. It starts in your heart and slowly permeates every fibre of your being until it lands in your eyes and then the tears start to flow.

It is intense and incessant, and there is no relief, no magic pill that will erase it. It just goes on and on, until you give into it and allow it to envelop you. Then it subsides for a period of time until the next round. You gather all your strength to face the inevitable next round; trying to keep your sanity and to survive.

Each time you succeed at making it through, you feel triumphant, like you have beaten a demon, but it is a demon that dwells within your own soul. How could something that felt so good, turn into something so horrid?

How can you let yourself love again after this type of hurt and humiliation? I suppose hurt is a bit like child-birth, in that, the joy will eventually erases all the memory of the pain. I find that hard to believe. I never forgot about the pain from my first encounter with Rett, and there was no love there. But I was young and more pliable, now I am old and rigid or fragile.

It has been over two months since my last interaction with Rett...seems like longer. I still have a voice mail message that he left me late in August, and when I am in the depths of one of those episodes, I listen to it. He sounds so light and carefree and "with" me, so unlike the last time we spoke. But it gets me through the night.

I suppose that soon, I will listen to it less frequently. I will re-read his nicer e-mails less, and I will eventually not check for e-mails from him. I'm not sure what I expect when I check, but I guess I still am in denial or shock. It all happened so quickly, and came out of nowhere that I can't fully believe he is gone. My heart still hasn't accepted it as much as my head has. My heart is always lagging behind because it held him much closer than my head ever did.

A long time...that's all I can say...a long time...

Chapter 59 - We are not alone

It is storming again. We are having the worst weather this year - snow, snow and more snow. I hate winter, and actually it's not even winter yet, that doesn't arrive until the 21st of December.

It is as if the god's are working against me by making this winter the harshest ever. All I think about is how nice the weather is where Rett is, and how much I would prefer to be there. If we were having a milder winter my thoughts wouldn't go there as much.

I wonder if he thinks of me at all. I wonder if my name crosses his mind when he sees something that reminds him of me. I wonder if he regrets what he did. Of course not. That would mean that I actually meant something to him. So again, I am the one holding the memories. It is a heavy load to carry alone.

The other night I was feeling lost and lonely, and so very tired of it all. I did my normal ritual to try and shake the feeling, I cried - not just shed a tear or two, but a weeping from deep within your soul until you are so tired that you sleep.

I went up to bed and lay there exhausted and I said out loud "I can't do this anymore. I need someone to help me carry this." Then I lay my head on the pillow and took a deep breath, giving in to the feelings. As I lay there I thought of my grandmother and my aunt who have already passed into the 'other' life and I could feel them close to me. They were beside me in bed, spooning with me, holding me close and comforting me - just as I had envisioned them comforting Silas. I was not alone, we are never alone.

It got me through the night to face another day.

Chapter 58 - What am I looking for?

I have been contemplating dating again, not right now, but at some point in the future. I know that I am not ready to be seeing anyone yet because my wounds are still too exposed. But I have to say it is a frightening proposition. It has been so long since I have been single; I don't think I know how to go about it anymore.

How does one get back on that horse (excuse the image here)? How does one get started? How do you get your nerve back?

I know that the bar-scene isn't for me. Been there, done that. It really isn't the proper place to meet anyone because you really don't want to date someone who frequents bars - or at least I don't. But liquor does help break the ice, and loosen you up enough to jump off the cliff of dating.

Someone suggested that I take a course in something that interests me, and that sounded safer. Then if I met someone, at least we would have something in common. Perhaps a writing course would be a good choice.

But then the questions started in my head...what am I looking for? What type of man am I interested in seeing? Do I have a type? These are questions I have never really asked myself before. I have never really dated, or actively looked for someone.

I know that I prefer tall man even though I am vertically challenged. I like intelligent man, who can carry on a conversation other than one that deals with sports or computers. He must have a quick wit. I like a man who is not afraid to show his emotions, but is not a hot-head. It would be nice if they were close to their family as I am. And they have to be clean. But beyond that...I don't have a preference.

I never saw myself looking for someone at my age, but here I am. It isn't easy meeting someone. I am extremely shy and introverted, so putting myself 'out there' will be a challenge.

But I can't imagine spending the remainder of my life alone, because I think that I can bring much joy and happiness to another human being. I'm not looking for a husband anymore, just someone to spend time with, to share with...to have fun and enjoy life.

What a simple concept!

But I’m not ready yet…I have to heal first.

Chapter 57 - Ten Thousand Times

I can feel Rett slipping away from me, and I have to say my feelings are ambiguous. I know that you probably don't understand this, but that is how it feels. I still miss him and what he brought to my life, or more specifically what he represented in my life. When something has been around you, pretty much 24/7 for nine (just realized the significance of that) months, you'd miss it too.

On the positive side - he is not occupying my thoughts all the time, it just comes in short waves now, unlike two months ago when it was tsunami-like. They still are overwhelming, but they don't knock me down. It is the oddest thing, because there is no warning, no provocation, they are just there. But they are fewer and farther between.

The co-incidences are still happening, but I am able to embrace them now. On Tuesday night, I was out Christmas shopping with a friend, and I needed Christmas cards. I saw that they were 50% off, so I went over to investigate. There right in front of me amongst all the choices was a box with a cardinal on the front - first one I saw. I had to buy them because...it was meant to be.

On the negative side - he is slipping away, and I will be alone again with my memories, and that makes me sad. It always feels better when you have someone to share your memories. I know my friends are growing weary of my stories and soon I will have to stop, and it is a conscious act, not sub-conscious one. Your mind starts to think of something you want to share and you think "No, that's enough...they have heard it all before."

A friend of mine recently told me that you have to share (with people you feel safe) your story of great grief, at least ten thousand times. She was of course exaggerating, but she meant you have to tell it as many times, as you have to, until you feel better. The greater the grief, the greater number of times you need to share.

Ten thousand sounds about right.

Chapter 56 - Wait without thought

Someone I know shared this T.S. Eliot quote with me today, and I think it speaks to how I have been feeling these last few months. I am not sure I fully understand the quote, but it has touched something inside my soul and I have to share it with you.

"Dark, dark dark
I said to my soul "be still and let the dark come upon you, which shall be the darkness of God"
I said to my soul
"be still, and wait without hope
for hope would be for the wrong thing
and wait without love
for love would be love of the wrong thing
there is yet faith
but the faith and the love and the hope
are all in waiting
wait without thought
for you are not ready for thought
so the darkness shall be light
and the stillness the dancing"

TS Eliot

What do you think it means?

Chapter 55 - When you know better

The famous quote by Maya Angelou “When You Know Better, You Do Better.” keeps running through my head. It makes me ask myself the question "knowing what you know now, would you still have the abortion?" That is a really tough question.

It isn't the first time I have asked myself either. It is a question that has had a recurring theme with me. What would I do?

My theologian friend who has been helping me these last few weeks, suggested that I write a letter to my 24 year old self, helping her to decide what to do. I have been struggling with it. It makes you dig deep within yourself for guidance.

I had shared with my friend that I can't go to church and haven't been able to for years. I tried a couple of times, but each time when it came to the part where we are to bow our heads in silent prayer, my thoughts would go back to what I had done. How dare I ask God for forgiveness for that. While I could put on a brave face for the rest of the world and pretend that it hadn't happened...God knew all...no pretending here. I felt too evil for church. I knew that churches were for sinners, but some how I was more than just your average sinner, or at least that was how I felt.

I also struggled with God and her existance. If there is a God, why did she let this terrible thing happen to me? Why was I left to make that decision? Why did Rett have to come into my life? Why were all these things put into my life? What had I done to deserve God abandoning me?

For the bad things that have happened in my life since that time - those I could explain; they were all the punishment for what I had done. These things I deserved and that made it okay, and I accepted them without any question. Those things made sense, and the worse it got, the more I accepted it as being my lot in life.

But finally, I had had enough of punishing myself and I wanted it to stop. I wasn't an evil person and I wasn't willing to spend the last part of my life living in shame. Enough is enough.

I know better now, and hence I am doing better.

Writing that letter will have to wait. I'm not quite ready yet to give advice to anyone, even myself.

Chapter 54 - 'Tis the Season

I really don't like this time of year, and I haven't since 1981. My friends and family give me a hard time about it, and have been known to refer to me as "Grinch".

It's not that I dislike the giving part of the season, it's all the cheeriness. I don't feel cheerful. It is a difficult time of year for me, and for all these years I have 'faked' it as best I could. The fact is - I hate it. And I am so tired of pretending.

'Tis the season to be jolly', but only if you have something to be jolly about. I know I am not alone in the way I feel. It is difficult for millions of people who are alone, and the millions who are impoverished. It is a time of spending too much, cooking too much, and rushing around trying to juggle work, socializing, and shopping. We have to fight the throng of over worked, tired, impatient shoppers to get that 'perfect'ly useless gift.

I have had too many Christmases when I haven't had any money, but I had to put on that brave face and put myself in debt until March or April to get gifts that people didn't want, appreciate or need. I've spent too many Christmas Eve's finishing home-made projects, not because I am crafty, but because I didn't have the money to buy the 'easy' gifts. Where is the joy?

The joy that I get is from spending time with my family. One of my best holiday memories is making my first ever batch of gingersnaps with my grandmother. She must have been in her mid-eighties at the time. She could barely walk or stand, but never, ever gave in to her infirmity. She insisted on helping me bake. It was her recipe and she wanted to show me how to make them.

My kitchen is a galley style, and small, barely room for one, but I managed to get a chair close enough, so that she could help. My floors are ceramic and very slippery when coated with a small smattering of flour (inevitable when you cook).

I can hear her laughing yet, as I slipped from the oven over to the counter, where she was sitting, to hand over the tray of freshly baked snaps for her to remove and inspect. We had Christmas carols playing on the stereo - way too loud - and she hummed along with Bing. My grandmother was not a 'hummer', but she was happy.

I have always kept a chair in the kitchen. I swear I can still hear her laughter each time I make her recipe of gingersnaps.

That's what Christmas was about, and it should be about - spending time with people, enjoying them, sharing with them, and laughter. Fill your Christmas stockings this year with laughter. Wrap up some family time and put that under your tree. Take time and listen to your loved-ones instead of worrying about getting that perfect gift - if you have family - you already have the perfect gift.

Chapter 53 - Human Nature

Have you ever encountered prejudice in your life? I have.

There are many faces of prejudice, and they disguise themselves as something else most times. They hide behind their beliefs, images, colour, status, and a waft of other things. I know prejudice well, because we met when I was a mere child. I understand how it feels to not be included, to be looked at differently and to be shunned. It is a horrible feeling.

As I told you, I have been over weight most of my adult life, and with that comes a certain amount of prejudice. People 'assume' you are lazy, slovenly, lacking in self-control and of lower intelligence. They assume all of this without even speaking one word to you. They don't want to know you, because if they did, they may have to change their whole way of perceiving the world, and then what! Their world would stop turning.

Now that I am a 'normal' weight and people tell me how good I look, or that I look hot, it is almost a slap in the face, as if to say that I didn't look good before. Why are people so superficial? Can't they see there is a person underneath that outer shell?

That is partly the reason why I had kept my 'little dark secret' for so many years. I know what people think, and I have learned that lesson sometimes the hard way. I'm a very open and honest person. I like the art of conversing, not just talking to people, but getting to know their true-selves - what makes them tick. I did try sharing my story with people who I thought I was close with - and I lost people out of my life. They were never blatant enough to say anything while I was sharing...but I could read it in their eyes. Eventually, they would skulk away from my life, just leaving behind another lesson in human nature for me.

This blog is the first time I have truly shared the whole story with anyone, but it's not the same as sitting face to face with someone, because there is a distance between us. I can't read your eyes. I can't see you lose my gaze when I get to a part that disturbs you. So, it allows me the freedom to share without prejudice, for the first time in my life.

And still I have had some people skulk away, but maybe this time, they stayed long enough to learn a lesson in human nature.

Please don't judge someone at first glance. Grant them the time to tell their story, allow them to be heard and known.

Chapter 52 - Precious Gift

Finally I can feel myself coming out of the haze of hurt. I was listening to the new Eagles CD "Long Road out of Eden" and I was dancing all by myself in the living room. You can't dance and be sad...it is impossible.

Granted I was listening to "Waiting in the Weeds", which is a song about lost love, but more than 80% of music is about loss of some sort. Don Henley, who does the majority of writing for the Eagles, has his master's degree in English, so his words are poetic.

I wasn't able to listen to music for a while now, not that I couldn't...I knew it would break my heart, and I didn't need that. I missed music. It serves the same purpose as the ocean does; it soothes me and even brings me insight. Sometimes when I am struggling with an issue, I will listen to music and it calms my mind so that I can think more clearly. It is my form of meditation.

These last couple of weeks I have really been trying to understand forgiveness and what it means. I know I have written about it before, but it is stuck in my head and I cannot get clarity. I am a Virgo, and things have to make sense to us, likely more than any other sign. Once I understand, then I can stamp it and move on to the next item on the agenda.

For me, there are two hurts that have occurred, the one 26 years ago, and the current one. But each hurt has to be reconciled and resolved in 1) my head and 2) my heart, therefore four compartments of healing and forgiveness. You can't reconcile anything unless your head and your heart agree - it won't happen. Unfortunately, they do not work on the same schedule and often we leave one behind, and then we get stuck.

There are many stages to forgiveness. The first step is to define what forgiveness is to you and I believe it is different for each person. For me, it was letting go of the hurt that was weighing so heavily on my heart. I was forgiving Rett for running away and leaving me alone. I could forgive him for that part. I understood why he had run away - because he could. I also forgave him for lying to me - that one was more difficult because I couldn't understand why he lied, but I had to let it go in order to move along with my life. My heart forgave him because it had to heal, but my head lagged behind because I didn't totally understand the reason for his behaviour. Hence...I got stuck.

Another stage to forgiveness is reconciliation. Not everyone goes to this stage, and it is not necessary to achieving forgiveness. I went there. This is the dangerous part and it is a bit like walking on a newly frozen pond...you need to tread very carefully.

The head and the heart work at different speeds and levels, and it is helpful to understand that concept. I was feeling guilty about my forgiveness because, to be honest...I wanted to take it back. I felt betrayed by Rett, especially when he used my forgiveness in his last e-mail, to hurt me.

But it's not about Rett, or the way he received the forgiveness, or what he did with it. It is like giving someone a gift - it becomes theirs, to do with as they wish. If they choose to cherish it, that's wonderful, but if they choose to throw it away - that's their choice. You have no control over them or their behaviour. As selfish as this sounds, forgiveness is about you, not the person you are forgiving, and once you grasp that concept, it is easier to understand. Forgiveness is a precious gift that you wrap carefully and hand over to someone...and then you must let it go.

My current problem with forgiveness is not about the hurt from all those years ago...that's not the one that I am struggling with, it is the current hurt. Now that I understand that, I can work towards finding the strength to wrap another gift and send it on its way.

But forgiveness takes time, and take your time with it. Let go one piece at a time, from your heart and from your head, and soon it will be gone. There is no timetable, or deadline to forgiveness.

Chapter 51 1/2 - Recovery

There are many phases to the recovery from heartbreak and grief, and I can see through my writing that I have gone through them all.

Below are the five major phases.

1. Numbness

2. Denial and Isolation

3. Anger

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

I can almost attach chapter numbers to the phases. Some will have more chapters, others less, but they are all present and accounted for. There is not a particular order that you have to follow. You will go back and forth through the first four, time after time, until it feels right. The final stage of Acceptance is always the final stage. At the onset you may feel that you will never arrive at Acceptance, but it will come - in time.

The numbness stage didn't last long for me - I wish it had lasted longer, but the ending was so sharp and swift, it knocked the wind out of my sails and left me trying to catch my breath for a day or two.

Oh the Anger phase - that is a sweet stage. For me, it took a long time to actually get there, but once I did, WOW. Who knew I had so much pent up anger? We all have anger inside that we don't allow to have a voice, but it is still there, and the longer it sits and waits for its turn to speak, the more it will have to say once it is out. And it feels so good to get it out and let it go...and then it is gone.

Depression is more fluid and melts into all the phases, and can sometimes linger even after Acceptance. That is normal and totally understandable, and if you don't work through all your issues, it could last even longer. It is helpful to get someone to help you work through your feelings, someone to give you guidance, but ultimately you need to do the work.

Suffering through heartbreak and grief is the most difficult thing you will ever do, but when you get through it, you will be a much better person. You have looked your demons in the face and dealt with them. You haven't run away and denied their existance. You need to be honest and look them directly in the eye and say "I am stronger than you, and I can overcome this!"

I started writing my story only a few hours after that final e-mail from Rett. I had never written on-line before and had only seen one blog in my life. I was so determined to find an outlet that I learned very quickly.

Why did I use the internet instead of writing a book you ask? If I had written a book I would never have gotten up the nerve to let anyone see it and it would have remained my little dark dirty secret forever. I needed to find a venue to share with anonymity and without proximity to begin, until I felt safe, until I could trust the reaction, and the blog provided that. I needed to look my demons directly in the eye, and I have.

Chapter 51 - Survival

This blog has provided me with more than just a place to rant. It has been an eye-opening walk through my life. It started with a need to be heard, to have my story told, but it has become something more than that. It was such a private part of my life, and Rett's, but I have learned that I am not alone, and my story is not unique. Perhaps the dates, people, places and details are different than others, but the feelings are shared by many other people.

Everyone has been hurt in their life, some deeper than others, but hurt just the same. Everyone has had loss in their life, a child, a lover, or a friend. Everyone has survived, gone on to live fulfilling, happy lives. As much as we think we can't...something within us forces us to get on, to get up and keep going. Is it faith that tomorrow will be better? Or hope that just around the corner something good is waiting for us?

I have had several nights over the last couple of months where I didn't want to see tomorrow, but something deep inside of me said "It will get better. Just give it one more try. Don't give up." I'm not sure whose voice it was. It could have been my survival instinct. It could have been the voice of reason. It could have been my logical side speaking to my emotional side. Or it could have been something more spiritual. Who or whatever it was, it is within each of us and it will protect us and support us when we think there is no hope.

The more I have shared with you, the more I have learned from you. The more I opened up, the more I received. I have talked more openly with people in the last two months, than I have ever spoken in my life. It feels good to share and to learn, and you have given me hope. And people have shared their stories with me. Each one unique, but still the same themes of loss, hurt and ultimately…survival.

There are better days ahead, and something good will come out of all of this...something good already has...I have learned that people do not judge me as harshly as I judge myself. There are good people in the world, and you are one of many.

Chapter 50 - The Letter

November 28th

"Some choices we live not only once but a thousand times over, remembering them for the rest of our lives." - Richard Bach

Today is the saddest day of my life...it has always been the saddest day of my life...it will always be the saddest day of my life.

A dear friend, who is very spiritual in the true sense of the word, has suggested that writing a letter to my unborn child may help me sort through my feelings of guilt, and my inability to forgive myself. It has helped. I thought at first it was too private to share, but I have shared so much, why not this. It will then be permanently etched in the world of cyberspace as a testimony of my love.
______________________________________________________

Dearest cherished Silas James,

I know how special you are to me, so God must have you snuggled up close, to help you feel my warmth. I want you to know how much I love you and miss you. Your father and I both love you and someday we will be there to wrap our arms around you and hold you close for eternity, as you are our only child.

I can see your curly auburn hair wrapped around your sweet face, and your heart shaped lips just waiting for our kisses...and those dimples...they are just God's thumbprints from holding your face so tightly in her hands. I can hear your giggle as you are making the other angels laugh - seeing the humour in every day. You are clever like your father and have his eyes, dark and intense. Your ears are like mine...tiny, with your curls tucked behind. Your complexion is like mine too, soft and smooth, and your cheeks are rosy red. You smell like a baby...you never lost that smell. You are loving, kind and considerate of others.

My grandfather, grandmother and my aunt are with you, and they are keeping you company until I get there. They see so many similarities in you to their lost son and brother. They hug you tightly when you need comforting.

I need you to know that although I didn't hold you for very long, I have held you in my heart forever, and you are so loved.

We never had harsh words, or arguments, or time-outs, or fights about bedtime, or complaints about keeping the car out too late, but we have talked and shared everything. You are in my thoughts every day, each one wrapped with a hug and a kiss.

You are an angel...you are my angel, you are our angel, and we shall love you forever.

Lots of love, hugs, and kisses - enough for a lifetime,
Mom
______________________________________________________

This has been the hardest letter I have ever written, and each word is marked with a teardrop.

I wish I could share this letter with Rett. We should have written it together, and perhaps in some way we did.

Chapter 49 - End of the Line

While I was having coffee with a friend today our conversation turned to family lines and children and I realized that I am the end of the line in my family.

Our family has been in our small town since they arrived from Scotland in the late 1820's, and now it is done. Even though we have dispersed throughout the country, our small town will always be considered 'home'. We may live elsewhere, but our hearts will always be down east. I have always referred to it as 'home' and when speaking with people it confuses them, so I have taken to calling where I live now...'home' and down east 'home-home'. It seems odd to think of it being owned by strangers.

I can't imagine them walking down the paths that we have walked and them not knowing our family history or the trials and tribulations we have been through. It almost seems sacrilegious.

I guess I still have time to find someone who will cherish the land as we have, but they will never really 'know' it. We take things for granted in life, and never really appreciate them until they are gone...or almost gone. I never thought about this before, but here I am faced with another end.

Five generations of my family have lived in this picture perfect, serene corner of the world. It resembles Scotland with its cliffs, sea and rugged terrain. The people who live here must be tough and self-sufficient. It isn't a land for wimps and whiners...they can stick to the city. The winters are long and harsh, but oh when the spring finally arrives, what a feast for the eyes. Well worth the long wait. There is beauty in winter, with the contrast of the white snow against the indigo of the sea or the moonlit nights with the shimmering snow and the reflection on the dark waters. There is beauty in all seasons when your heart is in a place.

The sea is a backdrop, but still an integral part of our lives. We are always aware of its existence, but like most things we take it for granted. It has just been within the last several years that I have become aware of how it makes me feel. It is like a drug, and every once in a while I need a 'fix'. It is calming, and soothing. Its rhythmic motion can calm the most unnerved feelings, just like a gentle lullaby. The smell of the fresh air tainted with salt makes you breathe deeply to cleanse your soul, and it does cleanse.

How does one explain these things to strangers? I guess they will learn to appreciate it as we do, and they too will call it home.

Chapter 48 - The Anniversary

This week will be a difficult one for me. The anniversary of the day I had the abortion is quickly approaching and it is, for lack of a better, more profound word...sad. It is always sad. These are dates I would much rather forget, but our memories are not within our control, they rule us.

I have tried to forget, or not mark the day, but it is there permanently, forever. So what do I do about it? Do I go to bed and just wait for it to pass? Do I busy myself and try to distract my attention? Or do I find some special way to deal with it?

Not that it gets any better as time passes, but this year I am dreading it, like none other. The memories are so close to the surface this year that I have to find a way to cope. That's all I can do...cope.

At my therapist's appointment today, I had a mini breakthrough (of sorts). She told me that if I don't go 'there', I will never be able to get over all of this. So...I am stuck. I dread, fear going to that dark, bottomless pit because I am not sure I can climb back out, but my recovery hinges on it. So, what do I do?

It seems so hopeless sometimes, a vicious circle, a world without end. I know what I have to do, but I can't do it. My mind is terrified of letting go, and letting it all come out.

I have very little recollection of the months after the abortion. I remember the Christmas charade with my family, but what I remember, is not as a participant, but more as an observer, if that makes any sense. Other than that, I remember nothing. I have an excellent memory, so there is definitely a loss of time here, or my mind has somehow turned off that portion of time to protect me. All I remember is an overwhelming sense of loss - feelings, but no specific happenings - nothing.

I think that is what I fear about going back 'there', of opening up that Pandora's Box, what will happen to me? Can I cope?

In my mind, I had thought that Rett and I could somehow go 'there' together. For some reason, it wasn't as fearful for me, if I weren't there alone. I had imagined that together, we could find a way to mark the date with an observance of some sort. Perhaps we could take our tiny heart pendants and do something with them, together. But that will never happen, and that hurts my heart. I will have to find a way to pay homage on my own. I haven't figured out how yet...but it will come to me eventually.

Chapter 47 - King of Hell

I was speaking with one of my friends yesterday, filling her in on the happenings in my life the last couple of weeks, and she said something that struck a chord with me. She was so angry with Rett for what he had done to me, and I was intently listening to what all she wanted to say to him, and words started forming in my head - those angry words that I have been having so much trouble finding.

Finally, I think I am ready to be, not only angry, but done with him. There was always a part of me that wanted to hold onto the part of Rett that I liked, but I don't think that part of him was real. It was a figment of his imagination, something he created to suck me in, and others too.

Here is the final e-mail I should send to Rett.
________________________________________________________
How dare you!!!

What makes you think you have the right to tell me anything, let alone how to live my life, or to leave you alone!!! 26 years ago I did that…I left you alone and let you get away with murder - scott free, to merrily run away and hide, like the coward you were - and still are.

YOU questioned my integrity and here you were dallying with me while you were "in love" with someone else! I had the decency to be clear and upfront with both you and my husband. But really, why would I expect anything else from you but lies and deception…that is your modus operandi, always was, always will be.

"A much better man" - you make me laugh. The fact that you even include yourself in mankind is an insult to all those good men who are out there. You should be ashamed of your sociopathic-self, but that would require a conscience - which you do not possess. And to do this to me, after I have shown you nothing but kindness, compassion and honesty, is unforgivable. You have NO idea how to be a man!

26 years ago, I could blame your poor judgment and cowardice on you being young and stupid, but you're not young any more Rett. This time there is no doubt that you did this intentionally, and you shall have to pay for your transgressions from a much higher source than I. You reap what you sow Rett, so good luck, because I have a feeling there will be a lot of bad karma coming your way.

Oh yes…we are done, and as for the forgiveness…that was never mine to release you from - that too comes from a much higher being. Let's let him/her be your judge and jury. I know you don't believe in hell, and I know why, because you are terrified that one actually exists, and you are the King.

To take a heart and pulverize it - twice - goes beyond cruelty, that is sadistic. You need to get help, not from the like-thinking quacks you have been seeing for years, because obviously - they aren't helping.

Worry not for me, because I am and always will be, so much better than you, in every conceivable way.

Please respect my wishes and leave me to hell alone!

Annette
________________________________________________________

I have allowed Rett to be in control of my life for way too long...years, and it is time for me to take back the control. The only way I can do that is to finish with him, on my terms and not his. That was what happened twenty-six years ago...I never ended it. It was left hanging there like a torn limb, bleeding and aching and it never healed. I need to cut it off, bandage it and rehabilitate.

The healing begins today!

Chapter 46 - From Hate to Love

Going from hate to love is one of the longest journeys you will ever take. It isn't a trip many people plan to go on. I hope you never have to take it, because that would mean that you would have suffered intense hurt and I wish that on no one.

There isn't much written material, even on the internet, about going from hate to love. There are numerous articles concerning going from love to hate...which speaks volumes. If it is so common to go from love to hate – then why not the reverse? What is so different about that path? Is it because it involves forgiveness? There has to be a step of forgiveness in between hate and love, but you can go directly from love to hate - no waiting.

It keeps coming back to forgiveness, everything is about forgiveness.

I'm not sure Rett ever totally understood what it took for me to forgive him. He took the act of me forgiving him lightly because he never comprehended what damage he had done to my life. When we would talk about it (almost always at my initiative) he would get very quiet and the part of Rett that I liked would be there. He would listen intently and offer some things to the conversation, but invariably he would change the topic. It was a place he wasn't comfortable being in. He has never really dealt with his issues around me - he has chosen to avoid them or re-write them. That is very unhealthy behaviour.

I did find this song written by Shania Twain titled "Hate to Love" and I think she captures the feelings so well with her words:

Hate to Love
by Shania Twain

Midnight sky shining on my face
I feel the waves embracing me
I'm here to find
Some peace of mind
Time and time
Waits for me
It waits for me, yeah

So here I am again
Somewhere in between
Hate to love
Trying to find reality
In a dream
Hate to love
I'm afraid to say I need someone like you
Hate to love
I hate to love

Faded photographs
Of a picture-perfect love
Locked inside this frame of mind
Forgiving true is a trust betrayed
If time heals all it left me behind
It left me behind

So here I am again
Somewhere in between
Hate to love
Trying to find reality
In a dream
Hate to love
I'm afraid to say I need someone like you
Hate to love
I hate to love

Loneliness and innocence
As you invade my heart
I love to hate the truth of love
It's tearing me apart

So here I am again
Somewhere in between
Hate to love
Trying to find reality
In a dream
Hate to love
I'm afraid to say I need someone like you
Hate to love
I hate to love

"I'm afraid to say I need someone like you", oh how true those words are. When you are forgiving someone, moving from hate to love, you have to trust them again. You have to trust yourself and take a huge leap off the edge of your comfort zone. You want to believe in the best of people's souls. You want to believe that people are innately good. I don't think I am different from most people. I so wanted to believe that Rett had changed.

I think he wanted to believe he had changed too. Or, he wanted me to believe he had changed. I wish I could understand his motivation for wanting to convince me of this. I had already forgiven him, so what could he possibly gain? Whatever his reasons were, I was there, ready, and willing to participate in the delicate dance of forgiveness, so that I could move out of the dark place of hatred.

I have been re-reading the e-mails, the early ones, trying to see where it moved from hate to love, and I can't see it, not from what I wrote. I liked him, or the Rett that he portrayed in his writing. He appeared to be a sensitive man. He would pay such close attention to what I wrote and would answer all my questions in depth. And I enjoyed his writing because he was serious but could still keep his sense of humour, a quality that not many people possess.

Falling out of hate with someone is a euphoric feeling. To accept that you will no longer harbor feelings of hatred lightens your soul. But, if you no longer hate them...what do you feel in its place? You are not indifferent to the person, so you have to fill that void with something. I started by filling it with 'like'. I liked Rett.

It had been so long since I had someone (male) in my life that I liked. I had been with my husband for almost 26 years, and the last too many years, I didn't like him, or the man he had become. I forgot how nice it was to have someone who understood me, someone who was on my side, and someone who I could share things with. Rett and I shared something that I couldn't share with anyone else, and I never will.

In my imagination, I have to admit, that I did allow myself to wonder what it would be like if Rett and I could become a couple - but then I would quickly dismiss the idea as being so absurd and unobtainable.

Then there he was telling me he had feelings for me - it was as if my dream was becoming a reality. It was unbelievable to me. I remember, after I got off the phone holding me face in my hands, and saying out loud "Oh my God!" and then thinking...did that really just happen?

So, I was on my way to love from hate...just in a blink of the eye, because I wanted to go there. I had opened up my hardened heart to allow it to feel again. My mind had told it..."it's okay, he's safe. He won't hurt you again."

For Rett, there wasn't all that hate to love thing going on. For him, it was, in my opinion, such a relief being forgiven that he just thought he'd play along...have some fun - play with me for a while, as long as it didn't interfere with his agenda and his life. He wasn't going through what I was. He had his own agenda.

Chapter 45 - The Blindfold

I never could quite picture meeting Rett. For all the talking we did about it, I never felt comfortable with the idea of seeing him. I knew it was something that I had to do, and I would try so very hard to picture it.

There was a sense of fear inside me each time I would walk through the scenerio of our meeting. It wasn't that I was afraid of Rett. I was afraid of my reaction to seeing him, and his reaction to seeing me.

When we were talking on the phone I brought up the topic of coming to see him, and he made some stupid joke, and I said to him "You're afraid of seeing me, aren't you?" He fluffed off the question in his pompous style, but I truly felt he was afraid as well.

When you think about facing your fears, actually looking directly at them, it must terrify you too. If you are afraid of heights and you were standing on the edge of a cliff, wouldn't you be terrified? It isn't easy to come face to face with that which you dread.

My therapist tried to help me work through this. She would pull over a chair that she has in her office, and say "He's there sitting in that chair...talk to him." Seems simple, since I know it is just a chair, and he's not actually in it, but each time, I would be unable to speak or to even look at the chair. I would beg her to put the chair away. I wasn't ready, and I'm not sure I ever would have been ready.

I don't even know exactly what I am afraid of. I guess it is facing reality. I have been able to put away my feelings and I feared that when I saw him they would all come out. Not something that is easy to simulate or a place I wanted to go.

But I tried. I wrote about it, trying to work out the details of how it would happen, and then I could just concentrate on the feelings behind it. I couldn't even write from my perspective, I wrote from Rett's view.

The Blindfold:

You are in the hotel lobby using the house phone to call her room. You are not sure what to expect but your anxiety and excitement are palpable. “Hello again” she says as she answers the phone…”Come on up. It’s room 2010 and there’s something on the doorknob for you to put on before you come in.” You want to ask her what’s on the doorknob but something stops you. Instead you just say “See you in a couple of minutes.”

As you enter the elevator you can feel your heart beating a little quicker than normal. You are lost in your thoughts and then suddenly you look up and you are on the 10th floor. You’re so close and yet so far away.

What will you say when you see her? What will she do when she sees you? What is on the doorknob? You look up again and you are on the 18th floor. Soon all the waiting will be over. So much time has passed and so much has happened, but really it just seems like yesterday. The elevator stops and you are there.

You get off and start walking towards her room. Your mind is racing at the same speed as your heartbeat now. There’s the room…and on the doorknob is a blindfold. You hesitate…take a deep breath and knock. “Hello you” comes the familiar voice from the other side of the door. “Put on the blindfold and I'll open the door. I have one on too.” You’re not sure…but it sounds like an adventure and you trust her, so you oblige. “I have it on” you respond and you hear the door open.

“I want us to be together without all the pressure of exterior trappings. Let’s use our other senses” she says. She takes your hand in hers and leads you into her room. Her touch is tender and comforting somehow, but her hand seems so tiny in comparison to yours. She holds both your hands for a moment then says “Please hold me close and let me feel you again. Let me smell you...” You embrace and you can smell her sweet perfume. Her body is soft and her warmth is almost overwhelming.

“I have waited for this moment for a very long time” she says, “So have I” you answer. You both hold each other close and just...breathe...finally.

________________________________________________________

I didn't even realize when I wrote this how significant the blindfold was, it was just part of the story I had in my imagination. Now, looking back on it, I can see how I never could get myself to the point where I saw Rett - ever.

I guess I had a blindfold on during most of my journey with Rett.

Chapter 44 - Why oh Why?

When I write, sometimes the topics are too painful, or too private to share right away. I save them as Drafts and I leave them alone for a couple of days, then I go back and review them to see if the pain has diminished. Time does heal some things, because I find when I follow this routine, most times I can publish the posts later.

This next one has taken longer than the others. I have reviewed it several times, but each time, it would go back as a Draft. I could still feel the pain that I had when I wrote it. It was still too close to the surface.

I have been trying for the past couple of days to heal my heart. I can't stop the thoughts of Rett from rushing into my brain from time to time, but it is lessening with each day. And the rushes aren't overwhelming now. At first I couldn't breathe, I couldn't get enough air, but now I can get air again, finally. It has been a lot for my brain to absorb in these few short months. I had come from such a place of hatred to a much better place...and I won't go back to hatred, it takes too much of my energy.

Rett accused me of setting out on this journey loving him, and it shows how little he really knows about me or my pain. He, or his ego, assumed that I was somehow in love with him all those years ago. How could I possibly love someone who hurt me to the centre of my existence? There was no love there. There wasn't any at the time, and it didn't grow over those 25 plus years.

It is hard to explain hatred to someone else. It is a very personal feeling, and a very lonely one. But it does take a tremendous amount of energy to carry it through the years, and you do 'carry' it like a yoke around your neck. As you get older, the yoke tightens until you can no longer breathe or bear its burden.

A very dear friend of mine who reads my blog and probably knows me better than anyone on this earth, said when she was reading, she could almost feel my shoulders lifting. That's how this whole journey felt, especially in the earlier days, like my soul was lighter...it could dance.

These days, I know I have to keep busy and really work at keeping my mind occupied with other things. But as darkness falls I have this overwhelming sense of loss. I hate the nights. There are demons that lurk in each unseen corner of the night and they come out and play with your mind. As hard as I try to divert my attention, they still manage to creep in and upset me. My attention span is very short and hence my mind wanders off to where it can not go. I find myself re-routing my thoughts to a happy place, and I have to search for one.

It is the confusion of it all that makes me so despondent. I just don't understand. And god I want to understand. I want it to be so clear that I will have no questions. As clear as Rett's last e-mail was, I still don't understand what happened before. Why did he say those things? When I spoke with him on the phone why didn't he tell me about Marilyn then? Why did he wait until I sent him the e-mail before he mentioned that he had found someone? Why oh why?

There are some mysteries that are never meant to be solved. Some questions that are never to be answered. I'm just not sure why my life has to be surrounded by them.

Chapter 43 - What is forgiveness?

I have been thinking about forgiveness so much these days. I started my journey with forgiveness and I have been trying to understand why I did that. I know what I thought at the time, but I have a feeling there were other underlying reasons that I haven't really uncovered.

I did some research on what exactly forgiveness is and I found this prayer that seemed to sum it up better than I could. As I have said before, I am not really religious, but the words are still strong no matter what you believe.

A prayer of forgiveness

Dear God, I choose as an act of my will, regardless of my feelings, to forgive the person who has wronged me. I release them, and I set myself free to Your healing. With Your help, I will no longer dwell on the situation or continue to talk about it. I thank You for forgiving me as I have forgiven them. I thank You for releasing me. I ask this in Jesus’ name, amen.

"...regardless of my feelings..." is so true. It seems to say that whether or not you have totally reconciled things in your heart, you can still forgive. One does not have to forget to forgive.

Okay, I just had another one of those coincidences. I was researching 'forgiveness and love' and the first hit that appeared was a website that contained this quote:

"Medical intuitive Caroline Myss, who, through her gift of intuitive sight sees the energy patterns that lead to illness, says, “By far the strongest poison to the human spirit is the inability to forgive oneself or another person.”

Caroline Myss wrote a book titled "Sacred Contracts" which I wrote about in an earlier chapter. It is a book that Rett suggested I read. Just another coincidence.

What made me type those words to Rett? I think I was trying to find it within myself to forgive - me. It would have been so much harder to type those words to myself than it was to send them to Rett. I can accept what I did on an intellectual level, but on a personal level is another story. Acceptance and forgiveness are two entirely different things. I am working on it, but I'm not there yet.

My heart aches if I spend too much time dwelling on the details. Not an ache that anyone can help with, but an emptiness that nothing can fill. I have never spent a lot of time thinking about it, because it is something that I know I can't reconcile or explain away. I just can not make it right, no matter what angle I approach it from. Yes, Rett lied to me, and it was his fault, but that doesn't help.

Below is an excerpt from "True Forgiveness" by Lynn Woodland (I found this on the web)

"True forgiveness is a shifting of attention away from the hurtful act, not in denial, but in release. It means identifying with the higher part of ourselves that was never harmed so we can see past the illusion of separateness to the reality of Oneness. As we understand ourselves to be one with the person who hurt us, forgiveness becomes self-forgiveness. As we transcend our belief in ourselves as victims, we are able to see the other person differently. Instead of seeing his or her “wrongness” we see the pain that motivated his or her actions. Living from a belief that doing harm brings personal gain is a prison of separateness, powerlessness and pain. Anyone who acts intentionally to harm another is trapped in this painful prison, even if he or she doesn’t recognize it as such. When we understand this, we can more easily feel compassion instead of rage."

If I were to paraphrase her, I think she is saying that through empathy and understanding we can achieve forgiveness. That's what I was working towards with Rett.

But it was such a tangled mess of emotions. It was like all the lines of a parachute that has gone through a dryer - you know there is a proper place for each one, but it's going to take a lot of time and patience to sort them out.

I just found this website that is written in language that is easily understood. I really don't like psycho-babble, but this site is easy to understand. Here is the link.

http://www.enotalone.com/article/2696.html

If you are struggling with forgiveness as I have been, read it...then read it again. I have read it several times over a period of several months, and each time I get more and more out of it. I particularly like the final two paragraphs:

"To take meaning and value out of any situation, simply ask, "What has this taught me? What lessons can I learn: about myself, about others and about my life? How can I use this new knowledge to change my thinking and behavior and help others avoid the same trap?"

In this light our past, instead of being meaningless and shameful, has a positive and life-enhancing value. By learning to handle our past, and by taking the steps to forgive ourselves in the true sense of the word, we can let go of the debilitating consequences of guilt, and finally move on."

Ponder on it for a while.

Chapter 42 - The Cardinal

I have to tell you a story in order to explain what happened today. I have decided to make a list of the coincidences that happen for the next week, so I can document how often they happen, and if I can, decipher where they come from.

As you know this spring was not an easy one for me. I spent a tremendous amount of time inside my head. My normal chores this spring became tedious disturbances to my time being pensive. But I had to do some work outside. I remember being outside doing things from rote, like raking the lawn, but my mind rarely was on the task at hand. It would take something significant to snap me back to reality. One such reality check came from an unlikely source. It was a cardinal.

It is not uncommon to have cardinals around in spring. They are building nests, mating and they are boisterous. I don't have great eyesight, especially outside, so often I miss seeing them, but I rarely miss hearing them - good hearing makes up for the poor eyesight. But cardinals are most often in tree tops or on high wires, they are not often seen on the ground.

But not my cardinal. I learned from my ex-father-in-law that if you call to a cardinal they will actually answer you back. I have done this often. This particular cardinal visited with me this spring and summer - often. Each time I was outside I could count on him making an appearance. He was keeping me company. Often, late in the evening I would sit outside on my deck, under my trees, and I would write, and invariable my cardinal would show up and sing to me.

One evening in particular I was writing to Rett and out of the corner of my eye I saw something fall out of the trees and land beside the pool. It fell so quickly it made me look up. At first I thought it was a dead leaf, but then it moved, closer to me. It was my cardinal. I sat quietly, not moving, and he kept coming closer, and closer, until I could see him clearly. It was as if he knew I couldn't see him before when he was perched in the trees serenading me. He stayed with me for several minutes, then off he flew. He repeated this nightly visit most of the summer.

I found this tiny visitor comforting for some reason. It was as if he knew I needed company - a distraction from my thoughts. It touched me and I decided to share my little bird-tale with Rett. Here is what I wrote...

"I am sitting on my deck in my backyard, working on my laptop and enjoying the cool breeze on this beautiful sunny day, waiting for the sun to set so that I can take a dip in the pool (I only like to swim when the air is cool and the water is warm), and my favourite visitor just popped by.

There is this cardinal who has been visiting me since early spring, and he will even answer when I call him…most times. He is beautiful, proud, confident, agile, and bright red. Often he will come by for a visit when I am working outside and just sit in a nearby limp and sing to me. Sometimes he will swoop down beside me and surprise me…never too close, but just close enough for me to get a glimpse of his beautiful plumage…then off he goes until our next encounter. I never know when, but I am confident he will always be back. He never fails to make me smile and brighten my day. I have decided to nickname him RJ, because he reminds me of you."

Rett loved my little story and said that things like that happen for a reason. He said the cardinal was there to console me.

RJ left me the end of August sometime, and I have never seen or heard him since. I wonder if he will be back next spring to keep me company?

Back to my coincidence of the day. This morning, I was working in my office and I heard a song from a music box. We are having a garage sale to raise money for charity and the items are being stored in the office just behind mine. The song playing on the music box was "I'd like to teach the world to sing".

On one of those Get to Know your friends questionnaires there was a question about "What would you do if you won a million dollars?" and Rett had said "I'd teach the world to sing". I sat there in my office and just smiled, another coincidence. A few minutes passed and then the song on the music box changed to "Lara's Theme" from the movie Dr. Zhivago, which has always been a favourite song of mine. Okay, now I have to go over and investigate.

Two woman are in the office surveying the items and one is holding the music box. Normally music boxes are...boxes, but not the one that I have been hearing. It is a cardinal, sitting on a tree branch. I bought it and brought it home.

Coincidences, ya gotta love 'em! Just roll with them.

Chapter 41 - Remembrance Day

For several reasons, Remembrance Day is a memorable day in my life. My great uncles on my mother's side of my family all served in the Second World War. One lost his life and another was a Prisoner of War in Japan for over four years. The third great uncle survived. On this special day of remembrance I often go to the ceremonies and bring their memories close to my heart. I am so proud of their courage and their strength. This year I decided to stay home and think about them in my own way.

November 11, 1981 was also the day that I received confirmation from the clinic that I was pregnant. I can remember exactly where I was sitting, what I was looking at while I was waiting for the nurse to find my results, what I was wearing, and what it felt like to have the bottom fall out of my life. That's not an odd analogy, because when you receive news like that, it is as if you are in a free-fall, spinning out of control and you have no idea where you will land. I remember the nurse's voice as she said "Annette...I am sorry, but it is positive." There is no elation at university clinics when they give out news of a pregnancy, unlike other doctors' offices. She truly felt badly for me, and I appreciated her demeanor.

If it hadn't been Remembrance Day, I wonder if I would recall the exact date - but it was, and I do. I will never forget the feelings after I got off the phone. The thoughts that were running ramped through my head. And I couldn't do anything. I was alone when I called, so I just sat on the couch for what seemed like hours. I was frozen in time. My head was doing all the moving that was necessary. This can't be happening to me. How did this happen to me? What do I do now? Oh it was a horrible day - to remember.

And then I think of my uncle in a prison camp, and how his days must have been. How dare I complain about my horrible day. I don't have anything to complain about compared to the horror he endured. We are a family of survivors. We do not give in easily to the pressures this life puts upon us. We are fighters. There is something in our souls that makes us survive, and who am I to question that.

Chapter 40 - Not good enough

Okay, here it is, the truth of my life - I have always thought I wasn't good enough. You're not stupid, so you have probably figured that out about me by now. Not really that hard to tell if you have been reading between my lines. There had to be some underlying reason for me, being me. I don't know where it comes from, and so far my therapy hasn't helped in that area. I think that there are just some things one is born with - like a large nose or blond hair - I got this.

When I was younger I started taking piano lessons, not as a child of six, but I think I was twelve or thirteen. I had an amazing piano teacher, who played the organ at the Catholic Church in our small town, and she had the voice of an angel. After she had been teaching me for about 3 years she had a heart attack and stopped teaching - except for her daughter and me. She told me I was good, and she wanted to keep helping me learn. Each year, there was a recital. I never participated, even though she wanted me to. I never felt I was good enough.

I also sing. I love to sing. I sang at my cousin's wedding many moons ago, and also at my sister's wedding. People said I was good. But, I never thought I was good enough.

Last year I decided to give it a whirl again after many years of not singing. The husband of a friend of mine, has created a small studio in his basement, and they asked me to come and record something. I chose Jann Arden's "Good Mother" because I love the song. The words speak to me, because my mother is such a huge part of my life. I practiced for a couple of weeks before I went over to record. I got there and I was soo freakin' nervous it wasn't even funny. You can't be nervous and sing well - it just doesn't work that way. Well, I sounded awful and I knew it. I stopped recording - because I just wasn't good enough.

I don't think we need to re-hash the loves of my life - we all know how I interpret my track record with them - let's just say, I just wasn't good enough.

Now I am at the point where I want to write this book, I want to tell my story, I NEED to tell this story. As one of my anonymous commentors just wrote - I have to think about other people who are going through or who have been through my hell and I need to help them, by telling my story - but what if I'm not good enough?

I just want to be good enough at something in life - to make a difference in someone's life. I do want to help someone but in order to do that I have to put myself 'out' there to be judged. I am not sure I am up to that. But then again, what choice do I have - because I have to do it.

Chapter 39 - The Anger

Anger is defined as "A strong passion or emotion of displeasure or antagonism, excited by a real or supposed injury or insult to one's self or others, or by the intent to do such injury." Tonight for the first time I am feeling anger. I reread Rett's e-mail for the first time in a month and now I am angry. At first I was hurt and hence the reason why I couldn't read it again until today.

I want revenge. I want to hurt him. I want him injured, because he injured and insulted me - with intent.

But what can I do? Just like when he hurt me all those years ago, I feel helpless and hopeless. AND I HATE FEELING LIKE THAT!!!! I am not that same woman. I am so much more than that woman, and I don't want to take this lying down. I want to take some sort of action. I want to feel empowered instead of powerless. I can not let this man ruin the next 26 years of my life. I will not!!!

Revenge is just not enough, because I want him to suffer and none of the things I have thought about have life-long affects, so what is the point. I am just tired of taking his abuse and whimpering away to a corner to lick my wounds. He needs to pay for what he has done. He needs to be responsible for his actions!!! Why do I have to pay? Why not him? I let him get away with being an asshole. I let everyone get away with treating me badly and frankly - why should I? I didn't deserve to be treated like this, and why am I putting up with it. Why can't I have my say? Why can't I be as cruel as he?

But is being angry just giving him back the power over my life? By being angry am I not showing that he still matters in my life? I need to get to the point of indifference don't I? Right now, I am not there...I am at angry and I WANT PAYBACK.

Anger is just another phase of recovery - something I have to go through to get over it. And I will get it out of my system by writing, not acting!

Chapter 38 - Sense of Need

I am having a rough night. My husband moved out his belongings tonight and that marks another ending in my life. I have had a lot of endings over the last couple of months, and I am trying desperately to see where the new beginnings are. It hasn't been easy.

I haven't spoken about my husband much because it really wasn't part of my story with Rett...but it is part of my story with Rett. I told you I met my husband four months after I finished with Rett. I needed to find a safe place to land and I thought I had found it. He wasn't unkind or unpleasant but he wasn't a good man either. But he wanted to be with me at a time in my life when I thought no one wanted me...or would ever want me. All my life I had felt unlovable and Rett had definitely proved me right, so when my husband came along, my hopes were lifted. He was such a bad choice for a myriad of reasons, but I was blind to them. All I could see was another living, breathing human being who wanted to be with me - damaged, worn, tattered, torn - me. How lucky was I?

I have mentioned this before but I think it is important enough to mention again, woman who have been traumatized either mentally or physically tend to end up with abusive partners. Their self-esteem is so low that they will tolerate abusive relationships. I think it goes much deeper than that - I think that abusive men can hone in on a traumatized or abused woman. They are 'attracted' to woman who are weak or weakened. They are like dogs who can smell fear. They can sense that we are needy and will 'settle' for less than we deserve.

That's what happened to me. I met my husband at a bar and he was the first person to pay attention to me since Rett. Oh to have the foresight that I have now - to know that I was extremely vulnerable.

My husband wasn't an abuser in the true sense of the word, but he was a user - just no 'ab's (little humour). He used me, and I allowed him to use me. I knew he was doing it, but in order to keep him happy, I allowed it to continue. I basically paid him to be with me when I look at it clinically.

That last sentence has made me stop writing for hours because it hurts so much to see it in black and white. But it is the truth. I doubt that if I hadn't had money he would have stayed with me. It has all been about the money for him. He fell out of love with me many years ago, and I'm not sure I ever loved him.

I thought about leaving him often, but could not see a way out. I thought that this was all my life was going to be. But it wasn't enough to feel nothing. Something inside of me wanted more, to feel more, to give more to someone who deserved me.

Life has an odd way of awakening us.

Chapter 37 - Head vs Heart

I created my HotMail account just to contact Rett. I wanted anonymity and it is achievable through an account with HotMail. But I am having trouble going in there now. Each time I have new mail, my heart does a fluttery thing. I know it won't be from him, but apparently my heart doesn't yet.

The head and the heart are rarely on the same page. They are often at war with one another and I'm not sure who wins more often. I would like to say my head, but my actions over the last several months tell me my heart was in charge. My therapist refers to it as two separate people; one representing my hurt side, the other my protective side. Don't laugh - we all have two sides to our personalities - I am just more aware of mine than perhaps you are. They duke it out from time to time and leave me exhausted from the battle. When I am at peace, they are both in agreement or at least form a truce.

There hasn't been a truce yet. I can hear the fighting all the time. It never, ever stops. I know it will someday, just not today. I can't imagine how good it will feel when it happens, but it must be peaceful.

Each time I think of Rett, which is still way more than I should, the battle starts. Just today for instance, I went for a walk, trying to get back into my old routine. Exercise is good for the mind, body and soul, so off I went into the cool fall air. I am walking along, listening to my MP3 blasting out Eva Cassidy and I reach into my pocket to ratchet up the sound, and I look at the sleeve of my coat - it is plaid. I have had this coat for umpteen years but it is the only winter coat that 'fits' me now, the others are just too big. I never before made the connection with the plaid and Rett, but there it was today. As I told you earlier, Rett is Scottish and his family has a tartan - and yes, oh yes...that's the one on the cuffs and inside the hood of my coat. Do I beckon these images or do they just appear? Haunting isn't it?

I can't seem to get away from him. He is everywhere. Last night I was watching my favourite soap opera after I got home from work. It is light and not really based on reality, so it is a nice way to escape. Well, there it was - Enrique Iglesias singing - yup, you guessed it - Somebody's Me. Rett's memory is everywhere. I just have to embrace the memories and roll with them, because fighting them is just too overwhelming. They will surround me for a while...and then they will be less frequent, but history has taught me...they will never go away. My head and my heart will hold him there, until they cease to be.

Chapter 36 - Listen

How well do we ever really know another person? Is it possible to know someone other than ourselves? I think that we only know the surface of someone, and maybe down to the second layer if we are really lucky. But to totally know someone...I don't think it ever happens.

To know someone takes a tremendous effort and investment of time, and really how often do we take the time. We meet people everyday, we do the standard greetings and exchanges but do we listen? We absorb what others say but then we throw it away or file it under 'useless knowledge'. We are a superficial society with very little true depth. It's not our fault, as listeners, it's our fault as sharers.

How much of ourselves do we share with others? We sometimes start and then we see that glance at the watch or that far-away look in the eyes and we stop. We edit ourselves all the time. We start telling a story and our listeners seem disinterested so we change the topic or stop talking all together. We don't allow people inside to see who we truly are. We don't want to invade their space.

Do we really want to know our friends or do we just want them to think we want to know them? How much time have you spent over the last week truly listening to someone you say you care about? Take a minute and think about it - don't answer quickly - because you will be wrong. Did you really listen? If there was a quiz a day after the conversation, could you answer 10 questions about the conversation? Or were you thinking about yourself and some menial chore that needed to get done? Or were you half-listening while watching something on the television?

I think we have lost the art of listening. Our lives are full and we are so busy that multi-tasking is almost second nature to us, but at what cost? Do we take that time while someone else is holding the conversation to think about all the items that still remain on our "To Do List"? How sad is that!?

How can we regain our listening skills? Simple. Open your mind and engage in the conversation. Repeat what the person is saying with some insight of your own. Empathize with the speaker as a caring person should. Do not recount a story of your own that in your mind is similar to the speaker's - that's not listening, that's bringing things back to you. This is supposed to be about the other person and not you.

Take the time to care about someone other than yourself. It is time well spent because there will come a day when you will need to be repaid for your investment.

Chapter 35 - Do you suppose?

I have never really gotten angry with Rett. I should have been angry, and I should be angry, but it is an emotion I don't tap into often as it doesn't come naturally to me. I get hurt and sad, but rarely angry.

The day that I called Rett to tell him I was pregnant and he asked me "How do I know it is mine?" I should have been angry, but instead I went into my bedroom and sat on the floor in disbelief, started crying uncontrollably, and banged my head against the closet doors. I remember the empty feeling inside, like there was nothing there, not even hurt...just nothingness...hollow. But I wasn't angry.

I can feel anger building inside me these days. I will get a glimpse of it from time to time, but it won't stay with me, I keep trying to wash it away like a stain on my clothes, because it shouldn't be there. Or should it?

I started composing a reply to Rett's last e-mail - don't worry - I was composing it in my head.

I like how he kept putting my name at the beginning of the paragraphs, as if I wouldn't know to whom he was speaking - so I thought I would copy his style.

Here is how it would go:
___________________________________________________________

Rett, you will not enjoy this but, I have finished my journey with you. I did get the answers that I was seeking. You are still the same sociopathic "dark hearted asshole" you always were, and I did make the right decision, because you do not deserve to be the father of my child.

Good thing I never trusted you - yes I have boundaries as well. Your son will never be subjected to your cruelty and your lies - I have seen to that. So, please leave us alone to live our lives.

I told you I was a writer. Could you tell which parts of my story were fiction and which parts were non-fiction - I doubt it...because I too am good at what I do.

Rett, do you suppose Marilyn would still find you the love of her life if she knew your whole story - not the revisionist story you will tell her, but the true story with all your secrets? Do you suppose she would still be able to look at you with love in her eyes? Do you suppose she would still trust you? Do you suppose she would forgive you? Do you suppose she would still respect your integrity? Ah, but I suspect she knows ‘you’ better than I, and will soon join the elite club of Rett’s exes.

Tough questions, but I know you can handle them.

Godspeed to you, and remember to keep looking at each of those faces who are looking at you - because you will never know who might be there, looking for the good inside you.

Thank you - oh, that's right...I have nothing to thank you for, so it is just...

The End.

Annette

Chapter 34 - Ah ha moment #2

I just finished reading "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne and one of the last passages made me cry because it touched my soul. I have to share it with you because it is just too profound.

"Lisa Nichols

You've come to this juncture in your life, merely because something in you kept saying "You deserve to be happy." You were born to add something, to add value to this world. To simply be something, bigger and better than you were yesterday.

Every single thing you've been through, every single moment that you've come through, were to all prepare you for this moment right now. Imagine what you can do from this day forward with what you now know. Now you get that you are the creator of your destiny. So how much more do you get to do? How much more do you get to be? How many more people do you get to bless, simply by your mere existence? What will you do with the moment? How will you seize the moment? No one else can dance your dance, no one else can sing your song, no one else can write your story. Who you are, what you do, begins right now!"

I couldn't believe the words I was reading. It is as if they were writing to me and answering all the many questions I have had. Unbelievable how answers are provided when you just ask. Seems so simple doesn't it.

People: Ask...Believe... and Receive.

Amazingly simple.

Chapter 33 - The Seasons

When I first wrote to Rett it was winter. I remember looking out the window after I sent that infamous first e-mail and seeing the new coat of white snow covering my backyard. It was hiding that dirty brown half melted snow we see so often in March. At the time I thought "Will winter ever end?" Often we get a new blanket of snow before the spring is awakened, as if to wash away all the dirt from the winter.

Now it is fall. I travelled through all four seasons with Rett. Not long into fall, just a few weeks. But I have travelled so much further than the seasons. It makes me tired to think of all the travelling I have done.

I like fall, not as much as spring, but I do like it. It can be a sad time of year - a time of dying, a time of putting things away, battening down the hatches before the winds of winter roll in. I like it because of the colours, the smells, and the sounds. I am such a tactile person, it is never just one sense that is touched it is a combination of senses. Fall smells differently than spring. It has a crispness and clarity to it, unlike any other season. We tend to make nests at this time of year to prepare ourselves for the long months ahead, and I like nesting.

This fall, unlike any other, I will be making my own nest. I will be creating my own home, the way I want it to be, the way I want it to look. I will be finding my sense of self in my surroundings - not what someone else likes - just me. I am looking forward to the challenge of finding what I like.

It is a different view looking forward rather than backward. I have never looked any further forward than one day. I have never made long-term plans - ever. I couldn't because my life was not my own. It was too frightening to look into the future.

You want to hear something strange? When I did think of myself in the future, I never once saw myself with my husband. Odd how the mind knows those things we don't even know yet. I had never thought about it until lately, when I was trying to picture myself in the future and I realized it really hadn't changed at all. Things are how they should be, how they were always meant to be.

People come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime.