I just finished reading "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne and one of the last passages made me cry because it touched my soul. I have to share it with you because it is just too profound.
"Lisa Nichols
You've come to this juncture in your life, merely because something in you kept saying "You deserve to be happy." You were born to add something, to add value to this world. To simply be something, bigger and better than you were yesterday.
Every single thing you've been through, every single moment that you've come through, were to all prepare you for this moment right now. Imagine what you can do from this day forward with what you now know. Now you get that you are the creator of your destiny. So how much more do you get to do? How much more do you get to be? How many more people do you get to bless, simply by your mere existence? What will you do with the moment? How will you seize the moment? No one else can dance your dance, no one else can sing your song, no one else can write your story. Who you are, what you do, begins right now!"
I couldn't believe the words I was reading. It is as if they were writing to me and answering all the many questions I have had. Unbelievable how answers are provided when you just ask. Seems so simple doesn't it.
People: Ask...Believe... and Receive.
Amazingly simple.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Chapter 33 - The Seasons
When I first wrote to Rett it was winter. I remember looking out the window after I sent that infamous first e-mail and seeing the new coat of white snow covering my backyard. It was hiding that dirty brown half melted snow we see so often in March. At the time I thought "Will winter ever end?" Often we get a new blanket of snow before the spring is awakened, as if to wash away all the dirt from the winter.
Now it is fall. I travelled through all four seasons with Rett. Not long into fall, just a few weeks. But I have travelled so much further than the seasons. It makes me tired to think of all the travelling I have done.
I like fall, not as much as spring, but I do like it. It can be a sad time of year - a time of dying, a time of putting things away, battening down the hatches before the winds of winter roll in. I like it because of the colours, the smells, and the sounds. I am such a tactile person, it is never just one sense that is touched it is a combination of senses. Fall smells differently than spring. It has a crispness and clarity to it, unlike any other season. We tend to make nests at this time of year to prepare ourselves for the long months ahead, and I like nesting.
This fall, unlike any other, I will be making my own nest. I will be creating my own home, the way I want it to be, the way I want it to look. I will be finding my sense of self in my surroundings - not what someone else likes - just me. I am looking forward to the challenge of finding what I like.
It is a different view looking forward rather than backward. I have never looked any further forward than one day. I have never made long-term plans - ever. I couldn't because my life was not my own. It was too frightening to look into the future.
You want to hear something strange? When I did think of myself in the future, I never once saw myself with my husband. Odd how the mind knows those things we don't even know yet. I had never thought about it until lately, when I was trying to picture myself in the future and I realized it really hadn't changed at all. Things are how they should be, how they were always meant to be.
People come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
Now it is fall. I travelled through all four seasons with Rett. Not long into fall, just a few weeks. But I have travelled so much further than the seasons. It makes me tired to think of all the travelling I have done.
I like fall, not as much as spring, but I do like it. It can be a sad time of year - a time of dying, a time of putting things away, battening down the hatches before the winds of winter roll in. I like it because of the colours, the smells, and the sounds. I am such a tactile person, it is never just one sense that is touched it is a combination of senses. Fall smells differently than spring. It has a crispness and clarity to it, unlike any other season. We tend to make nests at this time of year to prepare ourselves for the long months ahead, and I like nesting.
This fall, unlike any other, I will be making my own nest. I will be creating my own home, the way I want it to be, the way I want it to look. I will be finding my sense of self in my surroundings - not what someone else likes - just me. I am looking forward to the challenge of finding what I like.
It is a different view looking forward rather than backward. I have never looked any further forward than one day. I have never made long-term plans - ever. I couldn't because my life was not my own. It was too frightening to look into the future.
You want to hear something strange? When I did think of myself in the future, I never once saw myself with my husband. Odd how the mind knows those things we don't even know yet. I had never thought about it until lately, when I was trying to picture myself in the future and I realized it really hadn't changed at all. Things are how they should be, how they were always meant to be.
People come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
Chapter 32 - Finding Me
I keep talking about my 'journey' and really it is the word of the year. Everyone has been talking about journeys. You just need to turn on the radio or TV and you will hear someone talking about journeys. But what exactly does it mean?
The official Google definition for the word 'journey' is "the act of traveling from one place to another" and I like that. That is what I have been trying to do, to go from one place to another. I 'awakened', for lack of a better word, one day to feel as though my life was not where it should be. I felt as though I was not where I should be - I needed to move from this place to another.
At first I wasn't conscious of being on a journey or even moving at all. What I wanted to do was discover why I was where I was. This led me to go into a retrospective mode, looking back and being very clinical about my choices, and they were my choices. If I am honest, it was as if something was guiding me or pushing me.
I'm not sure what my belief system is. I believe in God but I am also a fatalist. I don't know if these two beliefs are in conflict but it is who I am. I know that things and people come into our lives for reasons, sometimes we can't see what the reason is while we are living in that moment, but over time it will become clear. I am very analytical and critical so I can always decipher the whys - some reasons take longer to realize but it is always clarified.
My journey is about finding me. Up to this point I have never been me. I have been who other people thought I should be, I have done what other people thought I should do. But not once have I done what I wanted to do. In fifty years I have been living my life through or for everyone else - that has not always been a bad thing, but it hasn't been real. God this sounds so selfish, doesn't it? But a life not lived for you is a waste of a life.
Just in the few short weeks since I have been writing here I can see the progress I have made. At the outset of writing I was hurt and was looking for judgment of Rett and myself, but now I can see that it is no one's place to judge us. We will judge ourselves, learn and go on. It is a chapter in life's book, nothing more, nothing less. Pages are turned and we learn from it all.
God I have learned so much over the last year, it almost feels like I have been making up for lost time. I sometimes wonder if I am feeling as if an end is near by the imperativeness of my actions. But no, it is a beginning, not an end I feel: Like I am on the edge of something great, something wonderful and I can't wait to see what happens next - not with dread but with anticipation.
It is a scary thing to rediscover or to discover you. What will people think of me? Will I be the same me as before? Will I want to completely change my life? Will I like me?
As silly as these questions are, they are the questions I have been asking myself. I know the answers will not come in some great epiphany, but will come with time. I just realized the irony in my first question - again I am putting other people’s judgment of me first, and that is so wrong. If I like me, then the rest will fall into place. It is the law of attraction - a law of the Universe and you can't argue with that!
Life is so precious, so short and so sweet. If you are not living it for you, then who are you living it for? It is yours to live! Each of us is given this gift for a reason, and it is our job to find out what the reason is, hence my journey. I am working towards finding out my reason for being.
The official Google definition for the word 'journey' is "the act of traveling from one place to another" and I like that. That is what I have been trying to do, to go from one place to another. I 'awakened', for lack of a better word, one day to feel as though my life was not where it should be. I felt as though I was not where I should be - I needed to move from this place to another.
At first I wasn't conscious of being on a journey or even moving at all. What I wanted to do was discover why I was where I was. This led me to go into a retrospective mode, looking back and being very clinical about my choices, and they were my choices. If I am honest, it was as if something was guiding me or pushing me.
I'm not sure what my belief system is. I believe in God but I am also a fatalist. I don't know if these two beliefs are in conflict but it is who I am. I know that things and people come into our lives for reasons, sometimes we can't see what the reason is while we are living in that moment, but over time it will become clear. I am very analytical and critical so I can always decipher the whys - some reasons take longer to realize but it is always clarified.
My journey is about finding me. Up to this point I have never been me. I have been who other people thought I should be, I have done what other people thought I should do. But not once have I done what I wanted to do. In fifty years I have been living my life through or for everyone else - that has not always been a bad thing, but it hasn't been real. God this sounds so selfish, doesn't it? But a life not lived for you is a waste of a life.
Just in the few short weeks since I have been writing here I can see the progress I have made. At the outset of writing I was hurt and was looking for judgment of Rett and myself, but now I can see that it is no one's place to judge us. We will judge ourselves, learn and go on. It is a chapter in life's book, nothing more, nothing less. Pages are turned and we learn from it all.
God I have learned so much over the last year, it almost feels like I have been making up for lost time. I sometimes wonder if I am feeling as if an end is near by the imperativeness of my actions. But no, it is a beginning, not an end I feel: Like I am on the edge of something great, something wonderful and I can't wait to see what happens next - not with dread but with anticipation.
It is a scary thing to rediscover or to discover you. What will people think of me? Will I be the same me as before? Will I want to completely change my life? Will I like me?
As silly as these questions are, they are the questions I have been asking myself. I know the answers will not come in some great epiphany, but will come with time. I just realized the irony in my first question - again I am putting other people’s judgment of me first, and that is so wrong. If I like me, then the rest will fall into place. It is the law of attraction - a law of the Universe and you can't argue with that!
Life is so precious, so short and so sweet. If you are not living it for you, then who are you living it for? It is yours to live! Each of us is given this gift for a reason, and it is our job to find out what the reason is, hence my journey. I am working towards finding out my reason for being.
Chapter 31 - Gratitude
I have been reading "The Secret" and one of the many good messages that I have taken from it, is that we need to make a list of the things for which we are grateful. In times when one is feeling low, this is always a good exercise, so here is my list.
Things I am grateful for:
1. I am a woman
2. I am healthier than I have ever been in my life
3. I have amazing friends
4. I have my family
5. I have a house
6. I have a great job
7. I have music in my life
8. I am thankful for my husband (soon to be ex-husband)
9. Being Canadian
10. Spring
11. My sense of humour
12. Laughter, god the laughter
13. My creativity
14. My intelligence
15. My little cousin
16. My capacity to forgive
17. and yes, believe it or not...Rett
18. and that I did not go to Las Vegas to meet him
These are all things that in one way or another have made me who I am. I am grateful for who I am and what I have in my life. This list will grow and expand, but it will never lessen. As the days go on I will add things as they come into my life. My life is blessed, because of or despite of what I have been through. I would not be the person that I am without all of these factors and how can I not be thankful for that?
Life is a journey and we can not see the destination, so we have to grasp each day with both hands and say thank you for the chance to live in it, revel in it and play in it. I don't want another day to go by, and just watch it from the sidelines, I want to be a participant. It is a gift to be alive and we should not take it for granted. I have been watching it for way too long, and starting today I am going to be in it...100%!
I will find the happy in each day, and I will bring happy to each day, one way or another. Hopefully I can make someone smile or make someone else's hurt not sting so much. That is all we can hope for in life.
Stop feeling sorry for yourselves, whining about your life. There are millions of people who would trade their lives for yours, no matter how bad you think you have it...there is always someone worse off than you. Live people, and love, deeply and totally.
If I can pick up the pieces after what I have been through and see that there is still good in each day, and each person...so can you.
And forgive, for there is nothing more liberating than forgiveness, trust me...I know.
Things I am grateful for:
1. I am a woman
2. I am healthier than I have ever been in my life
3. I have amazing friends
4. I have my family
5. I have a house
6. I have a great job
7. I have music in my life
8. I am thankful for my husband (soon to be ex-husband)
9. Being Canadian
10. Spring
11. My sense of humour
12. Laughter, god the laughter
13. My creativity
14. My intelligence
15. My little cousin
16. My capacity to forgive
17. and yes, believe it or not...Rett
18. and that I did not go to Las Vegas to meet him
These are all things that in one way or another have made me who I am. I am grateful for who I am and what I have in my life. This list will grow and expand, but it will never lessen. As the days go on I will add things as they come into my life. My life is blessed, because of or despite of what I have been through. I would not be the person that I am without all of these factors and how can I not be thankful for that?
Life is a journey and we can not see the destination, so we have to grasp each day with both hands and say thank you for the chance to live in it, revel in it and play in it. I don't want another day to go by, and just watch it from the sidelines, I want to be a participant. It is a gift to be alive and we should not take it for granted. I have been watching it for way too long, and starting today I am going to be in it...100%!
I will find the happy in each day, and I will bring happy to each day, one way or another. Hopefully I can make someone smile or make someone else's hurt not sting so much. That is all we can hope for in life.
Stop feeling sorry for yourselves, whining about your life. There are millions of people who would trade their lives for yours, no matter how bad you think you have it...there is always someone worse off than you. Live people, and love, deeply and totally.
If I can pick up the pieces after what I have been through and see that there is still good in each day, and each person...so can you.
And forgive, for there is nothing more liberating than forgiveness, trust me...I know.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Chapter 30 - The Aftermath
The venting and telling is done, and now I have to sit back to gather my thoughts. I have to think about it all as if I were an innocent bystander. I have to look at the totality of it all and see what I have learned or gained from this experience - the pros and cons if you will.
I have learned that I can forgive. This was not a selfless act, not as selfless as I thought it was at the outset.
Rett said to me in one of his nicer e-mails that if he could have just one do-over in his life it would be how he handled our encounter, and literally he did have a chance to do-over our encounter. I gave him that opportunity, and he did exactly the same as he did the first time.
There are no do-over’s in life. There is no going back and changing history. As sad a fact as that is...it is a fact. All we can do is live our lives, every day as if it were our last, and treat people as we would wish to be treated. I have lived my life like that.
If I had my life to live over I would not change my encounter with Rett. I would not change my decision about the abortion, because it was the right thing to do at the time. Rett does not deserve to be a parent. And the gods have taken care of that because he never had children of his own. Karma is a bitch but an honorable one.
All I can think of now, is that he has step-children to raise, and what he is teaching them about honesty, and integrity, not by his words but by his actions. I pray that his step-daughter never encounters someone like her step-father, and I pray that his step-son does not behave as he does.
The part of this whole saga that disturbs me the most is Rett's denial or apparent denial of what his feelings were. It made me doubt myself. That is something that was cruel and unforgivable. There were many other ways he could have handled this, but being the coward that he is, I suppose this was the only way he knew how. He was thinking about himself and didn't take one minute to think about how this would upset me, turn my world upside down, and leave me to deal with the aftermath alone again.
But I am not alone really. I have friends. My life has been blessed with the best friends a woman could hope to have. Most of them have walked along on this journey with me - shoulder to shoulder. They have seen the highs and the lows and have not wavered in their support of me. That is the sign of a true friend and I doubt that Rett has ever experienced this type of friendship or support. How could he - because in order to have friends like this - you need to be that kind of friend to others.
Although my whole family does not know about my dark secret, the ones who do have been so supportive as well. I am blessed in this regard.
My hope is that one day Rett will see what he has done and ask for forgiveness, not from me, but from the only person who can grant forgiveness.
I know what was said, Rett knows what was said, and God knows what was said. Unto thineownself be true.
I have learned that I can forgive. This was not a selfless act, not as selfless as I thought it was at the outset.
Rett said to me in one of his nicer e-mails that if he could have just one do-over in his life it would be how he handled our encounter, and literally he did have a chance to do-over our encounter. I gave him that opportunity, and he did exactly the same as he did the first time.
There are no do-over’s in life. There is no going back and changing history. As sad a fact as that is...it is a fact. All we can do is live our lives, every day as if it were our last, and treat people as we would wish to be treated. I have lived my life like that.
If I had my life to live over I would not change my encounter with Rett. I would not change my decision about the abortion, because it was the right thing to do at the time. Rett does not deserve to be a parent. And the gods have taken care of that because he never had children of his own. Karma is a bitch but an honorable one.
All I can think of now, is that he has step-children to raise, and what he is teaching them about honesty, and integrity, not by his words but by his actions. I pray that his step-daughter never encounters someone like her step-father, and I pray that his step-son does not behave as he does.
The part of this whole saga that disturbs me the most is Rett's denial or apparent denial of what his feelings were. It made me doubt myself. That is something that was cruel and unforgivable. There were many other ways he could have handled this, but being the coward that he is, I suppose this was the only way he knew how. He was thinking about himself and didn't take one minute to think about how this would upset me, turn my world upside down, and leave me to deal with the aftermath alone again.
But I am not alone really. I have friends. My life has been blessed with the best friends a woman could hope to have. Most of them have walked along on this journey with me - shoulder to shoulder. They have seen the highs and the lows and have not wavered in their support of me. That is the sign of a true friend and I doubt that Rett has ever experienced this type of friendship or support. How could he - because in order to have friends like this - you need to be that kind of friend to others.
Although my whole family does not know about my dark secret, the ones who do have been so supportive as well. I am blessed in this regard.
My hope is that one day Rett will see what he has done and ask for forgiveness, not from me, but from the only person who can grant forgiveness.
I know what was said, Rett knows what was said, and God knows what was said. Unto thineownself be true.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Chapter 29 - So what now?
Here I am, sitting here typing, trying to sort out what happened and I have no answers. I have no direction for my life, or purpose. I know time will heal all, but it just doesn't feel like it right now. I was looking for answers and all I have are more questions.
What was my journey all about? Where has it lead me?
Why do I feel so used? Just as I felt like a piece of meat all those years ago, I feel cheap and used. At least the last time I was young, I had a lot of living left to do, but not so true now. I am a 50 year old woman, and how do I recover from this? My heart is pulverized, and I let it happen. I let him in and he beat the shit out of my heart - for what? Sport or some sadistic pleasure?
Or was he for real? Did he fall in love and then get frightened? No. No one in love could have possibly been that cruel. All I had ever wanted was for him to care and he so doesn't give one small bit, not one cell of his being cares about me or what he did to me.
And now he is walking the earth thinking that he is totally forgiven for his actions. Yes, I'm sure there is a strut to his walk now. I am sure he is holding his head even higher, because he is guilt free - ALL THANKS TO ME!!! Yeah, I feel really good about myself right now.
Anyway, such as it is that is my story. My journey into the world of forgiveness and closure. Travel carefully all of you who will dare to go on such a journey, as there are many bandits along the way, just waiting to hurt you.
Now it is time for judgment dear readers. Please comment and let me know what you think. Was I wrong? Or was he?
What was my journey all about? Where has it lead me?
Why do I feel so used? Just as I felt like a piece of meat all those years ago, I feel cheap and used. At least the last time I was young, I had a lot of living left to do, but not so true now. I am a 50 year old woman, and how do I recover from this? My heart is pulverized, and I let it happen. I let him in and he beat the shit out of my heart - for what? Sport or some sadistic pleasure?
Or was he for real? Did he fall in love and then get frightened? No. No one in love could have possibly been that cruel. All I had ever wanted was for him to care and he so doesn't give one small bit, not one cell of his being cares about me or what he did to me.
And now he is walking the earth thinking that he is totally forgiven for his actions. Yes, I'm sure there is a strut to his walk now. I am sure he is holding his head even higher, because he is guilt free - ALL THANKS TO ME!!! Yeah, I feel really good about myself right now.
Anyway, such as it is that is my story. My journey into the world of forgiveness and closure. Travel carefully all of you who will dare to go on such a journey, as there are many bandits along the way, just waiting to hurt you.
Now it is time for judgment dear readers. Please comment and let me know what you think. Was I wrong? Or was he?
Chapter 28 - Releasing him
I was devastated. I couldn't believe this was happening. There was no warning, no signs at all. And I knew he had sent that text late in the night thinking that I wouldn't be awake. He was wrong. He got caught. Not that it mattered.
I was hurt at his comments about my integrity. And there was some truth to his accusations, I was married, but I didn't lie to anyone. My husband knew what was going on and so did Rett. I had not lied to anyone. But I was married. A few days after Rett's phone call, I spoke to my husband about our living arrangement and I told him it had to change.
I went to see a lawyer the following Tuesday, and we will be divorced before the end of the year. He has found an apartment and he will be moving out in two weeks.
But Rett's comments stung, and I needed to clarify some points, so I wrote a last e-mail pouring out my feelings.
"Dear Rett;
You must have known I had more to say...
I was feeling sorry for myself all week and then I realized...All along this journey of mine I have followed my heart and for the most part it has never led me astray. But I started listening to other people and then I lost my way.
This is my journey and no one else’s and I have to listen to what my heart and my head are telling me. Somewhere along the way, I lost control of the wheel, you were driving and I felt I was following.
Fate or God or Buddha or whoever gave us a second chance and I do not feel we are finished yet.
Right now my heart is telling me I went down a wrong lane, took a wrong turn and I need to fix it. I have done some damage and I need to repair it.
First mistake I made was going off my anti-depressant medication. I was feeling happy and I thought I didn’t need them anymore, and I was wrong. For a while I thought that the happy feelings were coming because of you, but they aren’t…they are coming from me. I know this, because they are still here. I haven’t felt anything but numb or indifference for so many years, I got confused. I confused happy with love. I was wrong.
Second mistake I made was telling you I loved you, for several reasons, the main one being I wasn’t in love with you. You were right, I don’t know you well enough to tell you something like that, but just like you, I got caught up in the moment. I want to be in love and be loved, but first I have to straighten out my life. I do care about you, as I always will.
Third mistake was not taking care of my situation with my husband before I did anything. Big mistake – but I have rectified that. I went to see a lawyer last week and the bank, and to make a long story very short…we will be divorced in 11 weeks. He has found an apartment and will be out November 1st. As I tried to explain to you, we were already separated and had dealt with any issues many years ago, but I thought I was responsible for taking care of him. I am not. Thank you for the kick in the ass.
I would never presume to speak for you, but I also think that you were transferring feelings from your ‘situation’ with your ex-wife to my situation with my husband. I did not deceive him; cheat on him or cross any boundary at all – ever! There were no parallels, but I can totally understand how you feel. I have been there too.
You don’t know me either because if you did, you would know that I would never do anything to compromise my integrity or my word. Nor would I do anything to hurt anyone. That is how I have gotten myself into the mess I am in…I have spent my entire life thinking of everyone else, taking care of everyone else and I forgot that I have a right to be happy too. You may call it self-centred but sometimes you have to take care of yourself first. Just like in the case of an airplane crash, you have to give yourself oxygen first before your children...same rule applies here. I can't expect to love anyone until I love myself.
And yes, I e-mail too much, I text too much and I write too much – guilty as fucking charged. That is who I am. All or nothing, and frankly I like me. There is no wondering where I stand in life, because it is right there, in your face. That’s what most people love about me.
You and I have come way too far to let all our hard work be thrown away because of a misunderstanding. I know I was going overboard, but for fuck’s sake give me a break. I didn’t kill anyone, I didn’t rob a bank. All I did was tell someone I loved them. Not a crime – just a mistake. And I didn't go there alone.
My friends have been giving me advice and they keep telling me not to contact you, and perhaps they are right, but in my heart I needed to repair the damage I did.
My therapist never tells me what to do. She says that when there is no conflict I will know what to do. This is what I have to do.
I never professed to be perfect...the last perfect person ended up on a cross. I am human and so are you.
Am I forgiven for my transgressions? May I have a second chance?
Sincerely,
Annette"
Yes I know it sounds desperate and apologetic but I was so god damn hurt I wasn't thinking, and I did not want him to judge me on my integrity. There was no way I could leave it like that...EVER. I wouldn't have been able to live with that. I thought I had done something wrong to ruin our relationship. It was my worst fear, and I had to fix it.
Well, I sent it and a few days later this is the reply I received. It was not what I expected.
"Annette, you will not enjoy this, but I am done. This is now your journey, not mine, and our paths must separate once again.
Quite often we do the right things for the wrong reasons, and I hope this is what has happened with you and your marriage. I was merely here to correct a great wrong done many many years ago and I am finished. Although you think you know me, obviously you do not, or you would have respected my wishes and left me alone.
The love you feel for "me" is not a healthy one, since it is not based in reality, nor is it being returned.
Stay on your meds, keep seeing your therapist, and please leave me alone to live my life. ...and stop listening to your friends, regardless of their opinions. Your is the only one that matters and they are only adding white noise.
Of course you are forgiven, for following your heart is always the best plan, but better you follow a healthy heart when you get there. There has been no damage done on my side, as I have not allowed it to go there, so worry not about me - my boundaries are intact. Also, there is no second chance as there never was a first.
Annette, I am not the love of your life, and I know this because I have found mine. Her name is Marilyn, she has captured my heart and I believe she intends to keep it, and I feel exactly the same way about her. Please move on with your life and allow us to move on with ours.
Tough words, but you can handle them. Keep on with your journey, be true to yourself, and make the best of the rest of your life.
Thank you for releasing me from my guilt, for no one but you could have done this.
It is now my time to go - please respect this.
Godspeed,
Rett"
I still can't bring myself to read it again. It is so hurtful. The most hurtful line is the part about me releasing him from his guilt. How dare he use that!?
I also find it funny when he talks about no second chance - early on I had sent him an e-mail and in it I said "Do you realize how lucky we are? How many people get a second chance in life?" And Rett's reply to this was "Only the good ones." How ironic.
So, here I am, wondering if this had been all my imagination, or if he had used me again in some sort of sick game. Or did he just want to get me to the point where I professed my love so that he could make me tumble all the way down the rabbit hole? How cruel a 'human being' is he?
Or was I wrong all along?
I was hurt at his comments about my integrity. And there was some truth to his accusations, I was married, but I didn't lie to anyone. My husband knew what was going on and so did Rett. I had not lied to anyone. But I was married. A few days after Rett's phone call, I spoke to my husband about our living arrangement and I told him it had to change.
I went to see a lawyer the following Tuesday, and we will be divorced before the end of the year. He has found an apartment and he will be moving out in two weeks.
But Rett's comments stung, and I needed to clarify some points, so I wrote a last e-mail pouring out my feelings.
"Dear Rett;
You must have known I had more to say...
I was feeling sorry for myself all week and then I realized...All along this journey of mine I have followed my heart and for the most part it has never led me astray. But I started listening to other people and then I lost my way.
This is my journey and no one else’s and I have to listen to what my heart and my head are telling me. Somewhere along the way, I lost control of the wheel, you were driving and I felt I was following.
Fate or God or Buddha or whoever gave us a second chance and I do not feel we are finished yet.
Right now my heart is telling me I went down a wrong lane, took a wrong turn and I need to fix it. I have done some damage and I need to repair it.
First mistake I made was going off my anti-depressant medication. I was feeling happy and I thought I didn’t need them anymore, and I was wrong. For a while I thought that the happy feelings were coming because of you, but they aren’t…they are coming from me. I know this, because they are still here. I haven’t felt anything but numb or indifference for so many years, I got confused. I confused happy with love. I was wrong.
Second mistake I made was telling you I loved you, for several reasons, the main one being I wasn’t in love with you. You were right, I don’t know you well enough to tell you something like that, but just like you, I got caught up in the moment. I want to be in love and be loved, but first I have to straighten out my life. I do care about you, as I always will.
Third mistake was not taking care of my situation with my husband before I did anything. Big mistake – but I have rectified that. I went to see a lawyer last week and the bank, and to make a long story very short…we will be divorced in 11 weeks. He has found an apartment and will be out November 1st. As I tried to explain to you, we were already separated and had dealt with any issues many years ago, but I thought I was responsible for taking care of him. I am not. Thank you for the kick in the ass.
I would never presume to speak for you, but I also think that you were transferring feelings from your ‘situation’ with your ex-wife to my situation with my husband. I did not deceive him; cheat on him or cross any boundary at all – ever! There were no parallels, but I can totally understand how you feel. I have been there too.
You don’t know me either because if you did, you would know that I would never do anything to compromise my integrity or my word. Nor would I do anything to hurt anyone. That is how I have gotten myself into the mess I am in…I have spent my entire life thinking of everyone else, taking care of everyone else and I forgot that I have a right to be happy too. You may call it self-centred but sometimes you have to take care of yourself first. Just like in the case of an airplane crash, you have to give yourself oxygen first before your children...same rule applies here. I can't expect to love anyone until I love myself.
And yes, I e-mail too much, I text too much and I write too much – guilty as fucking charged. That is who I am. All or nothing, and frankly I like me. There is no wondering where I stand in life, because it is right there, in your face. That’s what most people love about me.
You and I have come way too far to let all our hard work be thrown away because of a misunderstanding. I know I was going overboard, but for fuck’s sake give me a break. I didn’t kill anyone, I didn’t rob a bank. All I did was tell someone I loved them. Not a crime – just a mistake. And I didn't go there alone.
My friends have been giving me advice and they keep telling me not to contact you, and perhaps they are right, but in my heart I needed to repair the damage I did.
My therapist never tells me what to do. She says that when there is no conflict I will know what to do. This is what I have to do.
I never professed to be perfect...the last perfect person ended up on a cross. I am human and so are you.
Am I forgiven for my transgressions? May I have a second chance?
Sincerely,
Annette"
Yes I know it sounds desperate and apologetic but I was so god damn hurt I wasn't thinking, and I did not want him to judge me on my integrity. There was no way I could leave it like that...EVER. I wouldn't have been able to live with that. I thought I had done something wrong to ruin our relationship. It was my worst fear, and I had to fix it.
Well, I sent it and a few days later this is the reply I received. It was not what I expected.
"Annette, you will not enjoy this, but I am done. This is now your journey, not mine, and our paths must separate once again.
Quite often we do the right things for the wrong reasons, and I hope this is what has happened with you and your marriage. I was merely here to correct a great wrong done many many years ago and I am finished. Although you think you know me, obviously you do not, or you would have respected my wishes and left me alone.
The love you feel for "me" is not a healthy one, since it is not based in reality, nor is it being returned.
Stay on your meds, keep seeing your therapist, and please leave me alone to live my life. ...and stop listening to your friends, regardless of their opinions. Your is the only one that matters and they are only adding white noise.
Of course you are forgiven, for following your heart is always the best plan, but better you follow a healthy heart when you get there. There has been no damage done on my side, as I have not allowed it to go there, so worry not about me - my boundaries are intact. Also, there is no second chance as there never was a first.
Annette, I am not the love of your life, and I know this because I have found mine. Her name is Marilyn, she has captured my heart and I believe she intends to keep it, and I feel exactly the same way about her. Please move on with your life and allow us to move on with ours.
Tough words, but you can handle them. Keep on with your journey, be true to yourself, and make the best of the rest of your life.
Thank you for releasing me from my guilt, for no one but you could have done this.
It is now my time to go - please respect this.
Godspeed,
Rett"
I still can't bring myself to read it again. It is so hurtful. The most hurtful line is the part about me releasing him from his guilt. How dare he use that!?
I also find it funny when he talks about no second chance - early on I had sent him an e-mail and in it I said "Do you realize how lucky we are? How many people get a second chance in life?" And Rett's reply to this was "Only the good ones." How ironic.
So, here I am, wondering if this had been all my imagination, or if he had used me again in some sort of sick game. Or did he just want to get me to the point where I professed my love so that he could make me tumble all the way down the rabbit hole? How cruel a 'human being' is he?
Or was I wrong all along?
Chapter 27 - Thud!
This is the part that is going to kill me or cure me to write. This is the part that has had me reeling for the past couple of weeks. This is the part that has rocked my world and shattered my spirit. This is the part I want you to judge. Help me understand because I do not.
The following Tuesday was a full moon. I am affected by full moons. It makes me sentimental and home sick. I often look at the moon and think how it would look shining on the water at home. This isn't an excuse it is a fact.
I had been waiting to talk to Rett, but the last time we spoke he was tired and rushed. But I didn't want to wait. I always felt rushed with him, because I thought he would disappear and leave me again. I was worried that if I didn't say something to him, he would run away because I hadn't returned his feelings.
I decided late Tuesday night to send a text to Rett. I liked the idea of texting because it was instantaneously received. It felt like I had him with me all the time, just a click away. So, I composed two texts and saved them to Drafts. The first one said "I have been trying to tell you something important for weeks now, but life keeps getting in my way. And life is too short." The second one said "I have fallen in love with you and I'm scared you won't catch me." I sent the first one and then I waited a couple of seconds and I sent the next one. It was done. There was no going back now.
No word from him. No reply.
I waited until Thursday night and I sent another text which said "I was wrong. I'm not scared at all. I am happy. Are you?"
I stayed up until about 11:30 expecting to get a reply, and when nothing came I went to bed but I couldn't sleep, so I was just lying there thinking. My cell phone was on my nightstand because it had been in my pocket when I came upstairs, so I just put it on the nightstand. At 12:35, it started to vibrate. I had a message. And out of my mouth came words that I had not said out loud in so many years..."I love you!" I was so sure of what he would say. I was so wrong.
I opened my cell phone and there in the box for the text were the words "Annette-this is all taking place in your mind-sorry but..." I could hear the blood rushing in my ears, and my heart was hurting in my chest. I thought, there must be more coming because of the ... but no, that was it.
I texted back just one word "Thud". That was the sound I was hearing. It was my heart hitting the floor.
He replied "Sorry", and I replied "I don't think so...No fool like an old fool!" And he replied "Excuse me?", and I said "Can we talk?" and he replied "Still working" and by this time I was up so I replied back "When will you be done?" I was on my way downstairs by this point with my cell phone open in my hand. I was still re-reading, trying to make sense of what was happening. And suddenly I had voice mail - he had tried to call. Then the landline downstairs rang and I answered.
All I could say was "What the hell happened?" "Where is this coming from?" His voice was cold, like the voice I had heard all those years ago. He didn't talk much, except to say "You're married." and "Didn't your shrink tell you this was a bad idea?" and "If you were my wife I would kick you to the curb." And other hurtful things. But the more I protested the worse it got. He wanted to make me angry, as men do when they want things to end. If they make us angry we will hang up and they won't have to talk. But I said "No Rett, it is not going to end like this. We have worked too hard to end this angry."
We talked for two hours and really I have very little recollection of what was said. I was in shock. I had been blindsided, and I felt like I had been hit by a truck. All I remember was him saying "Take care babe" and then "Good bye babe."
How did this happen and where did it come from? Was it because I was married?
I did tell him that I would never have gone to 'there' without him going there first and he said "I knew as soon as I got off the phone that I shouldn't have said that" And I asked him why he hadn't called me back or told me that the next time we talked. He had no answer. He just kept saying "You're married." And he did say "I think I have hurt you enough for this lifetime."
No I am not married. But he needed an excuse, and that was easy.
The following Tuesday was a full moon. I am affected by full moons. It makes me sentimental and home sick. I often look at the moon and think how it would look shining on the water at home. This isn't an excuse it is a fact.
I had been waiting to talk to Rett, but the last time we spoke he was tired and rushed. But I didn't want to wait. I always felt rushed with him, because I thought he would disappear and leave me again. I was worried that if I didn't say something to him, he would run away because I hadn't returned his feelings.
I decided late Tuesday night to send a text to Rett. I liked the idea of texting because it was instantaneously received. It felt like I had him with me all the time, just a click away. So, I composed two texts and saved them to Drafts. The first one said "I have been trying to tell you something important for weeks now, but life keeps getting in my way. And life is too short." The second one said "I have fallen in love with you and I'm scared you won't catch me." I sent the first one and then I waited a couple of seconds and I sent the next one. It was done. There was no going back now.
No word from him. No reply.
I waited until Thursday night and I sent another text which said "I was wrong. I'm not scared at all. I am happy. Are you?"
I stayed up until about 11:30 expecting to get a reply, and when nothing came I went to bed but I couldn't sleep, so I was just lying there thinking. My cell phone was on my nightstand because it had been in my pocket when I came upstairs, so I just put it on the nightstand. At 12:35, it started to vibrate. I had a message. And out of my mouth came words that I had not said out loud in so many years..."I love you!" I was so sure of what he would say. I was so wrong.
I opened my cell phone and there in the box for the text were the words "Annette-this is all taking place in your mind-sorry but..." I could hear the blood rushing in my ears, and my heart was hurting in my chest. I thought, there must be more coming because of the ... but no, that was it.
I texted back just one word "Thud". That was the sound I was hearing. It was my heart hitting the floor.
He replied "Sorry", and I replied "I don't think so...No fool like an old fool!" And he replied "Excuse me?", and I said "Can we talk?" and he replied "Still working" and by this time I was up so I replied back "When will you be done?" I was on my way downstairs by this point with my cell phone open in my hand. I was still re-reading, trying to make sense of what was happening. And suddenly I had voice mail - he had tried to call. Then the landline downstairs rang and I answered.
All I could say was "What the hell happened?" "Where is this coming from?" His voice was cold, like the voice I had heard all those years ago. He didn't talk much, except to say "You're married." and "Didn't your shrink tell you this was a bad idea?" and "If you were my wife I would kick you to the curb." And other hurtful things. But the more I protested the worse it got. He wanted to make me angry, as men do when they want things to end. If they make us angry we will hang up and they won't have to talk. But I said "No Rett, it is not going to end like this. We have worked too hard to end this angry."
We talked for two hours and really I have very little recollection of what was said. I was in shock. I had been blindsided, and I felt like I had been hit by a truck. All I remember was him saying "Take care babe" and then "Good bye babe."
How did this happen and where did it come from? Was it because I was married?
I did tell him that I would never have gone to 'there' without him going there first and he said "I knew as soon as I got off the phone that I shouldn't have said that" And I asked him why he hadn't called me back or told me that the next time we talked. He had no answer. He just kept saying "You're married." And he did say "I think I have hurt you enough for this lifetime."
No I am not married. But he needed an excuse, and that was easy.
Chapter 26 - I have feelings
I got back home and unpacked my bags. I came downstairs and I remembered that my cell phone had a weird voicemail on it that I needed to erase, so I opened up my phone and called my voicemail. But there was a new message on it. It was from Rett. He was in a hotel lobby taking care of some business, his daughter was upstairs in the hotel sleeping. He said to call him...three times in the voice mail. He also said that he had missed my whole vacation but "out of sight, not out of mind. Call me."
So, I called him. This time his mood was different, he seemed so relaxed. During previous conversations I had broached the topic of going to Las Vegas (my birthday trip) and I asked him if he would have dinner with me, and he had said yes. But I never really trusted that he meant it. I had made no concrete plans and I had said in my head, that the next time I spoke to him I would be more direct. So, I asked him again when he was going to be in town because I was thinking of going in October. And he said "But I have rules." I said "What rules?" He said "I don't sleep with married women."
Okay...there it is, we have crossed a line or at least he has crossed a line. My mind had not gone there. Maybe I had dreamt of it, but I had thought it was way too farfetched to ever become a reality, and yet there it was. I was thinking a million miles a minute. What do I respond? My funny side always comes to my rescue in moments like this..."Since when do you have rules?" I asked. Then I said, "What about separated women?" He replied "No." So in order to ease the tension I said "What if I bring a note from my husband?" I thought it was funny, and Rett laughed a little as well.
Now the conversation took a whole different turn. We started (and yes it was we) talking about sex. We started out by talking about what we remembered about our sexual encounter. I said I could close my eyes and still see him, I could still smell him and feel him. He obviously could do the same and he proceeded to describe what he remembered. At one point I said something to him in French, something I wanted to say but was too shy to say it in English and I knew he wouldn't understand. He said "Ummm, I kinda like that. Can you do that over your shoulder?" We were being playful...sexually playful and it felt soooo good. It has been a long time since I have played like that, and I am good at it, and so is he. At one point he said "I have to stop...I have to walk through the hotel lobby." Obviously what I was saying was physically affecting him.
Then he said "I have to call my shrink." To which I replied "You have your shrink on speed-dial? Why do you need to talk to your shrink?" And he replied "Because I have feelings for you!"
OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!
I had no idea what to say, so I mumbled empty rhetoric like "I don't think that's abnormal. We have been through a lot together. Why wouldn't we have feelings?" I couldn't believe he had said that. But I had wanted to hear that for so long. I really can't remember what else was said, but it was all good. We had been talking for two hours but it felt like ten minutes. The last thing he said to me was "For the next phone call get naked and get out the handcuffs." It promised to be an exciting next phone call.
We finally said good bye and he said he'd call again soon. But he didn't. I tried him a couple of times, but never reached him and I didn't leave a message. I really needed some time to think anyway.
And think I did. Now I was really confused. Why the hell hadn't I said it back to him right away. But I was married. How the hell did I get myself into this? When did it get so out of hand? I thought I knew what was going on, but it was out of control.
I really didn't know how I felt about Rett. Did I love him? Why shouldn't I love him? Because he was dangerous for me. Because he had the capacity to hurt me. Could we get over our past? So many questions and so few answers.
But I wanted to love him. Why, for once in my sorry life, couldn't I have the fairytale book ending? Why couldn't this just be what it seemed to be? Why couldn't I just let go and take a chance again?
I decided that I would let myself follow my heart. But I had to talk to him, and he was gone underground again. About two weeks later, I got to work and turned on my cell phone and it made a funny sound, not one I had ever heard before. When I opened it up to check it said I had a text message from Rett. I had never had a text message before. All it said was "Life is not always on your time. Care to talk now?" It had been sent at 12:30 in the morning. Oh course I had been a sleep. I guess I should mention that Rett lived on the other side of the country and there was a 3 hour time difference. I texted him back that I was sorry I missed his call, but if he called again at the same time, I could be up. I didn't hear from him. Oh my god...he had introduced me to a new way of ignoring me!!!
The next week was a big week for me, it was going to be my 50th birthday. Now, in my head I was thinking that Rett would remember when my birthday was. After all he was a sensitive caring guy. Why wouldn't he remember that reference I made back in April or May, or the million references I made about being a Virgo. Yes, I know, I was being stupid. But I really thought he would remember.
Well, it is the night of my birthday and a group of us went out to celebrate in style. We went to a nice restaurant and then to a comedy club afterwards. While we are at the comedy club I thought, "What the hell am I doing? He doesn't remember it's my birthday. Why would he?" So, I decided to send him a text and all it said was "Its my birthday 50 2day" Sometimes in life you have to ask for what you want.
Within ten minutes I had a response back from him "Happy birthday from a very busy bike show" Now my day was complete. That's all I needed.
The next morning I was busy doing the normal Saturday chores and I plugged my cell phone in to recharge in the kitchen, then I went downstairs to start the laundry. On my way up from the basement, just as I passed the kitchen door, my cell phone rang. I had text. It was Rett "You up?" I tried to call him back but he was obviously on the phone, so I texted back "Yes". We texted back and forth a couple of times and then he called.
It was really early in the morning for him and he sounded tired. I had something I wanted to tell him, but this wasn't the right time. He was walking from his hotel to the arena where the bike show was located. We exchanged small talk, and then as he was walking he said "Good morning beautiful." I thought that was odd, but then I thought, oh he's such a flirt, he's likely talking to one of the women working at the show. Then he said to me "Aren't you curious who I am talking to?" I said "No, not really." He said "I'm talking to my bike." Ohhhh...his bike.
I guess I should explain a bit about Rett. He is a computer guy. He manages a computer company and has for quite a few years, and it does very well. He also enjoys motorcycles and is very proud of his bike. He likes it so much he has actually invested in the company. This summer he has been spending all of his spare time travelling from bike show to bike show helping to sell bikes. I am sure he is very good at this, because he is a salesman. He had shared with me the website of the company and a link to a picture of a bike that was very similar to his "only lesser" to quote Rett. It is a huge part of his life.
After I figured out who beautiful was, we continued to talk about his bike. I made a remark about Harley's purring, and he said no, his bike didn't purr it roared. So, I asked him if I could hear it. He seemed pleased that I was interested, and he fired it up. Oh my god!!! It is a powerful sounding bike and I can see why he enjoys it.
Our conversation wasn't terribly long maybe a half hour or more, but it was light and fun. He wished me a happy birthday and said he would call Sunday night if things went well. By now, those promises of calling really don't affect me at all.
So, Sunday night rolls along and I am thinking about him. It is 10:30 and I know he isn't going to call, so I decide to send him a text. All it said was "Are you ho..." and then I wait a few minutes and I text "..me yet? Get your mind out of the gutter." He texts back "No, Still at the Reno airport." So I send another note and all it says is "Safe flite. Get some well deserved rest. Hug" I get back a reply "Thnx. BHug."
Hugs have been part of our dialogue since early on. I started it because I thought it would help him to understand that I wasn't angry anymore. I had sent the first one after he had finally apologized in a fashion that I thought was sincere. It's not easy to send a hug via e-mail, but here's what I came up with (Rett) to represent my hug. He replied back that time with ((Annette))- and he explained it as "big arms". And those hugs felt good for both of us.
So, I called him. This time his mood was different, he seemed so relaxed. During previous conversations I had broached the topic of going to Las Vegas (my birthday trip) and I asked him if he would have dinner with me, and he had said yes. But I never really trusted that he meant it. I had made no concrete plans and I had said in my head, that the next time I spoke to him I would be more direct. So, I asked him again when he was going to be in town because I was thinking of going in October. And he said "But I have rules." I said "What rules?" He said "I don't sleep with married women."
Okay...there it is, we have crossed a line or at least he has crossed a line. My mind had not gone there. Maybe I had dreamt of it, but I had thought it was way too farfetched to ever become a reality, and yet there it was. I was thinking a million miles a minute. What do I respond? My funny side always comes to my rescue in moments like this..."Since when do you have rules?" I asked. Then I said, "What about separated women?" He replied "No." So in order to ease the tension I said "What if I bring a note from my husband?" I thought it was funny, and Rett laughed a little as well.
Now the conversation took a whole different turn. We started (and yes it was we) talking about sex. We started out by talking about what we remembered about our sexual encounter. I said I could close my eyes and still see him, I could still smell him and feel him. He obviously could do the same and he proceeded to describe what he remembered. At one point I said something to him in French, something I wanted to say but was too shy to say it in English and I knew he wouldn't understand. He said "Ummm, I kinda like that. Can you do that over your shoulder?" We were being playful...sexually playful and it felt soooo good. It has been a long time since I have played like that, and I am good at it, and so is he. At one point he said "I have to stop...I have to walk through the hotel lobby." Obviously what I was saying was physically affecting him.
Then he said "I have to call my shrink." To which I replied "You have your shrink on speed-dial? Why do you need to talk to your shrink?" And he replied "Because I have feelings for you!"
OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!
I had no idea what to say, so I mumbled empty rhetoric like "I don't think that's abnormal. We have been through a lot together. Why wouldn't we have feelings?" I couldn't believe he had said that. But I had wanted to hear that for so long. I really can't remember what else was said, but it was all good. We had been talking for two hours but it felt like ten minutes. The last thing he said to me was "For the next phone call get naked and get out the handcuffs." It promised to be an exciting next phone call.
We finally said good bye and he said he'd call again soon. But he didn't. I tried him a couple of times, but never reached him and I didn't leave a message. I really needed some time to think anyway.
And think I did. Now I was really confused. Why the hell hadn't I said it back to him right away. But I was married. How the hell did I get myself into this? When did it get so out of hand? I thought I knew what was going on, but it was out of control.
I really didn't know how I felt about Rett. Did I love him? Why shouldn't I love him? Because he was dangerous for me. Because he had the capacity to hurt me. Could we get over our past? So many questions and so few answers.
But I wanted to love him. Why, for once in my sorry life, couldn't I have the fairytale book ending? Why couldn't this just be what it seemed to be? Why couldn't I just let go and take a chance again?
I decided that I would let myself follow my heart. But I had to talk to him, and he was gone underground again. About two weeks later, I got to work and turned on my cell phone and it made a funny sound, not one I had ever heard before. When I opened it up to check it said I had a text message from Rett. I had never had a text message before. All it said was "Life is not always on your time. Care to talk now?" It had been sent at 12:30 in the morning. Oh course I had been a sleep. I guess I should mention that Rett lived on the other side of the country and there was a 3 hour time difference. I texted him back that I was sorry I missed his call, but if he called again at the same time, I could be up. I didn't hear from him. Oh my god...he had introduced me to a new way of ignoring me!!!
The next week was a big week for me, it was going to be my 50th birthday. Now, in my head I was thinking that Rett would remember when my birthday was. After all he was a sensitive caring guy. Why wouldn't he remember that reference I made back in April or May, or the million references I made about being a Virgo. Yes, I know, I was being stupid. But I really thought he would remember.
Well, it is the night of my birthday and a group of us went out to celebrate in style. We went to a nice restaurant and then to a comedy club afterwards. While we are at the comedy club I thought, "What the hell am I doing? He doesn't remember it's my birthday. Why would he?" So, I decided to send him a text and all it said was "Its my birthday 50 2day" Sometimes in life you have to ask for what you want.
Within ten minutes I had a response back from him "Happy birthday from a very busy bike show" Now my day was complete. That's all I needed.
The next morning I was busy doing the normal Saturday chores and I plugged my cell phone in to recharge in the kitchen, then I went downstairs to start the laundry. On my way up from the basement, just as I passed the kitchen door, my cell phone rang. I had text. It was Rett "You up?" I tried to call him back but he was obviously on the phone, so I texted back "Yes". We texted back and forth a couple of times and then he called.
It was really early in the morning for him and he sounded tired. I had something I wanted to tell him, but this wasn't the right time. He was walking from his hotel to the arena where the bike show was located. We exchanged small talk, and then as he was walking he said "Good morning beautiful." I thought that was odd, but then I thought, oh he's such a flirt, he's likely talking to one of the women working at the show. Then he said to me "Aren't you curious who I am talking to?" I said "No, not really." He said "I'm talking to my bike." Ohhhh...his bike.
I guess I should explain a bit about Rett. He is a computer guy. He manages a computer company and has for quite a few years, and it does very well. He also enjoys motorcycles and is very proud of his bike. He likes it so much he has actually invested in the company. This summer he has been spending all of his spare time travelling from bike show to bike show helping to sell bikes. I am sure he is very good at this, because he is a salesman. He had shared with me the website of the company and a link to a picture of a bike that was very similar to his "only lesser" to quote Rett. It is a huge part of his life.
After I figured out who beautiful was, we continued to talk about his bike. I made a remark about Harley's purring, and he said no, his bike didn't purr it roared. So, I asked him if I could hear it. He seemed pleased that I was interested, and he fired it up. Oh my god!!! It is a powerful sounding bike and I can see why he enjoys it.
Our conversation wasn't terribly long maybe a half hour or more, but it was light and fun. He wished me a happy birthday and said he would call Sunday night if things went well. By now, those promises of calling really don't affect me at all.
So, Sunday night rolls along and I am thinking about him. It is 10:30 and I know he isn't going to call, so I decide to send him a text. All it said was "Are you ho..." and then I wait a few minutes and I text "..me yet? Get your mind out of the gutter." He texts back "No, Still at the Reno airport." So I send another note and all it says is "Safe flite. Get some well deserved rest. Hug" I get back a reply "Thnx. BHug."
Hugs have been part of our dialogue since early on. I started it because I thought it would help him to understand that I wasn't angry anymore. I had sent the first one after he had finally apologized in a fashion that I thought was sincere. It's not easy to send a hug via e-mail, but here's what I came up with (Rett) to represent my hug. He replied back that time with ((Annette))- and he explained it as "big arms". And those hugs felt good for both of us.
Chapter 25 - The decision
Rett had said he would call the next weekend. I could tell by the tone of his voice that he really didn't mean it, just something that I picked up on. He was going to be out of town for about a month at a huge bike rally, so I knew he would be busy. But I still waited for the phone call. Again I was waiting.
I felt more secure now that we had talked. I felt more connected than I had through the e-mails. And Rett had said that he didn't want to e-mail anymore because he was tired of writing. I didn't make any promises because I love to write...I needed to write. But the weeks went by and no word from him, not one word.
Around the middle of August I decided I needed to get away, clear my head. Of course I decided to go home, back to the salt-air and the beach, my oasis, my shelter from the storm, my salvation. I made my plans quickly, but I did send Rett an e-mail before I left to tell him I was going away. In case he did write or call I didn't want him to think I was abandoning him.
I was taking the train home, and since it is an out of the way place I have to change trains. There is about an hour and a half wait between trains, so I decided to go outside and get some air. I was sitting on the steps of a beautiful cathedral when I decided to take a chance and call Rett and I was not really expecting him to answer but he did. He was in the car taking his daughter to a doctor's appointment but he talked freely to me. He wished me a good vacation and trip, and he said "When you get home, find a quiet spot by the ocean and call me." He also explained that he had been out of town and apologized for not calling, and he said "Out of sight, but not out of mind. How does it feel to be the second most important woman in my life (behind his daughter)?" Everything was okay.
I had taken a week to vacation and it was perfect. I walked miles along the beach and there is just something about the salt-air that cleanses the soul, or at least it does for me. It was late August, so there wasn't anyone else on the beach, it was glorious. One night I went for a walk just before sunset. I walked out to the end of the wharf and I was sitting there taking it all in. The sun was setting over the mountains in the west, the moon was rising to the east, the colours from the sunset were reflecting on the cliffs behind me, and just to finish it off, there were six sailboats coming in to dock for the night. It was almost too much for my eyes to absorb. Ah, the perfect time to call Rett. I called, but there was no answer, so I left a message describing the scene. I didn't hear back from him.
The week went by and I was feeling stronger. On my last day at home I went for a really long walk on the beach. I found a secluded spot and I called Rett again, but still no response, I can't remember if I left a message or not, if I did it was short. I sat on the beach for a long time and thought about my life. I thought about Rett and what we were doing. What exactly were we doing? I felt close to him.
I think I need to explain myself or at least my feelings. This isn't easy for me because I'm not sure what I was feeling. I had gone from hating this man with such intensity for so long, and now I liked him. I liked him because he cared for me. He listened to me and was concerned about my well-being. I was important to him, and he to me. My feelings were confused, so terribly confused. I had waited all my adult life for this man to care about me, for him to think of me as something more than a piece of meat. And now he did. I felt vindicated, and validated.
Rett didn't know me, he had never known me. I was the last person who should have been treated as he treated me. I am an independent, strong, capable, loving, warm, understanding, loyal, and faithful woman. I am worth so much more than he gave me credit for. I made a HUGE sacrifice in my life for him...not just me. I could have ruined his life, I could have made his life miserable. Instead I took the high road and let him live his life, without so much as a "Hey, what about me?" And it wasn't easy, but I did it. I survived without him. I did not need him before and I do not need him now.
When I was walking back from the beach that last day, this was all going through my mind. I talked out loud to myself and said "That's it. You are done! Accept your life as it is. This is what you chose and this is all there will be. Get over it and get on with your life!" I had made up my mind to leave Rett alone and be done with it all.
I got on the train that night and I slept like a baby. I was at peace with myself and my decision.
I felt more secure now that we had talked. I felt more connected than I had through the e-mails. And Rett had said that he didn't want to e-mail anymore because he was tired of writing. I didn't make any promises because I love to write...I needed to write. But the weeks went by and no word from him, not one word.
Around the middle of August I decided I needed to get away, clear my head. Of course I decided to go home, back to the salt-air and the beach, my oasis, my shelter from the storm, my salvation. I made my plans quickly, but I did send Rett an e-mail before I left to tell him I was going away. In case he did write or call I didn't want him to think I was abandoning him.
I was taking the train home, and since it is an out of the way place I have to change trains. There is about an hour and a half wait between trains, so I decided to go outside and get some air. I was sitting on the steps of a beautiful cathedral when I decided to take a chance and call Rett and I was not really expecting him to answer but he did. He was in the car taking his daughter to a doctor's appointment but he talked freely to me. He wished me a good vacation and trip, and he said "When you get home, find a quiet spot by the ocean and call me." He also explained that he had been out of town and apologized for not calling, and he said "Out of sight, but not out of mind. How does it feel to be the second most important woman in my life (behind his daughter)?" Everything was okay.
I had taken a week to vacation and it was perfect. I walked miles along the beach and there is just something about the salt-air that cleanses the soul, or at least it does for me. It was late August, so there wasn't anyone else on the beach, it was glorious. One night I went for a walk just before sunset. I walked out to the end of the wharf and I was sitting there taking it all in. The sun was setting over the mountains in the west, the moon was rising to the east, the colours from the sunset were reflecting on the cliffs behind me, and just to finish it off, there were six sailboats coming in to dock for the night. It was almost too much for my eyes to absorb. Ah, the perfect time to call Rett. I called, but there was no answer, so I left a message describing the scene. I didn't hear back from him.
The week went by and I was feeling stronger. On my last day at home I went for a really long walk on the beach. I found a secluded spot and I called Rett again, but still no response, I can't remember if I left a message or not, if I did it was short. I sat on the beach for a long time and thought about my life. I thought about Rett and what we were doing. What exactly were we doing? I felt close to him.
I think I need to explain myself or at least my feelings. This isn't easy for me because I'm not sure what I was feeling. I had gone from hating this man with such intensity for so long, and now I liked him. I liked him because he cared for me. He listened to me and was concerned about my well-being. I was important to him, and he to me. My feelings were confused, so terribly confused. I had waited all my adult life for this man to care about me, for him to think of me as something more than a piece of meat. And now he did. I felt vindicated, and validated.
Rett didn't know me, he had never known me. I was the last person who should have been treated as he treated me. I am an independent, strong, capable, loving, warm, understanding, loyal, and faithful woman. I am worth so much more than he gave me credit for. I made a HUGE sacrifice in my life for him...not just me. I could have ruined his life, I could have made his life miserable. Instead I took the high road and let him live his life, without so much as a "Hey, what about me?" And it wasn't easy, but I did it. I survived without him. I did not need him before and I do not need him now.
When I was walking back from the beach that last day, this was all going through my mind. I talked out loud to myself and said "That's it. You are done! Accept your life as it is. This is what you chose and this is all there will be. Get over it and get on with your life!" I had made up my mind to leave Rett alone and be done with it all.
I got on the train that night and I slept like a baby. I was at peace with myself and my decision.
Chapter 24 - I digress
I have tried to re-create the events and the details in as honest a fashion as possible. I want you, the readers to have all the facts in order to understand what happened. It is important to me, and I think you will understand why at the end.
I have to step back for a minute and look at all of this. I have to be critical and evaluate what is going on and what happened. Sometimes when you get into something you just do, and you don’t think. Or if you do think, you don’t think long term. That’s what happened with me.
I so needed to have Rett in my life in order to sort out why my life was such a mess. It hadn’t been as much of a mess until he came into the picture, but it wasn’t perfect either. The anorexia hadn’t been his fault, nor did he know anything about it, so I can’t blame that on him. I had some issues before, that were compounded by him.
I often wonder if people like me send out some sort of beacon, a signal for men like Rett. Can they tell there is a weakness or vulnerability there and they just prey on it? And if that is true, how the hell do I get rid of it…shut it off so that this never happens again. Perhaps they are like dogs that smell the fear in people. I am not sure there is anything one can do about that.
I was lonely. My marriage was over and my husband and I were miles apart. I have never felt understood by anyone, not just men. I try very hard to fit in but it is an effort. My sense of humour has been a god send, and I use it to feel at ease, but I am never truly at ease. It’s as if I am sitting on the edge of everything, never really participating fully because I fear being found out. And this didn’t come from Rett; this has been with me always.
I didn’t know Rett, and he didn’t know me. We knew each other superficially and yet likely better than most people know each other. We knew things about each other that no one else knows, and that held us together.
I knew his type of personality – the pontificating, look at me, I know all, I am so rich, I have so much, I am perfect, hard on the outside, but oh so soft on the inside. It was those moments where he would show me the soft parts, the parts that have been hurt, and he has been hurt. That’s part of the reason why he is so hard on the outside. He is wounded too. He is a good listener, when he shuts up long enough to allow someone else to speak. He is funny, a wickedly quick sense of humour, which he uses to hide his insecurities. He works way too hard, because he needs to keep his mind occupied, otherwise he thinks too much, and he has lots to think about. He knows what he has done, because he is not stupid, but he has gotten away with these things all his life…so he cannot possibly stop now. It works for him…so far. There will come a day when the house of cards will come tumbling down and he will crumble into a fetal position and he will understand hurt and alone. It will come. It has to come.
He is judgmental, and for someone coming from where he is, I found this really amusing. It is odd for someone who has done so much damage to someone else to be judgmental. I know from my experience it has taught me not to judge. How can I possibly sit up on a pedestal and look down on someone else's life? How could I possibly know what has made them make the choices they have made? Impossible.
The difference is that I have learned and I am still learning from my mistakes. I have had to pay a very high price for my lapses in judgment. Rett has never had to pay for his mistake(s). He has just continued on doing what he thinks is right without taking one single moment to think of someone other than himself. Nice gig if you can get it!
Ah, but I really don't know him, do I?
I have to step back for a minute and look at all of this. I have to be critical and evaluate what is going on and what happened. Sometimes when you get into something you just do, and you don’t think. Or if you do think, you don’t think long term. That’s what happened with me.
I so needed to have Rett in my life in order to sort out why my life was such a mess. It hadn’t been as much of a mess until he came into the picture, but it wasn’t perfect either. The anorexia hadn’t been his fault, nor did he know anything about it, so I can’t blame that on him. I had some issues before, that were compounded by him.
I often wonder if people like me send out some sort of beacon, a signal for men like Rett. Can they tell there is a weakness or vulnerability there and they just prey on it? And if that is true, how the hell do I get rid of it…shut it off so that this never happens again. Perhaps they are like dogs that smell the fear in people. I am not sure there is anything one can do about that.
I was lonely. My marriage was over and my husband and I were miles apart. I have never felt understood by anyone, not just men. I try very hard to fit in but it is an effort. My sense of humour has been a god send, and I use it to feel at ease, but I am never truly at ease. It’s as if I am sitting on the edge of everything, never really participating fully because I fear being found out. And this didn’t come from Rett; this has been with me always.
I didn’t know Rett, and he didn’t know me. We knew each other superficially and yet likely better than most people know each other. We knew things about each other that no one else knows, and that held us together.
I knew his type of personality – the pontificating, look at me, I know all, I am so rich, I have so much, I am perfect, hard on the outside, but oh so soft on the inside. It was those moments where he would show me the soft parts, the parts that have been hurt, and he has been hurt. That’s part of the reason why he is so hard on the outside. He is wounded too. He is a good listener, when he shuts up long enough to allow someone else to speak. He is funny, a wickedly quick sense of humour, which he uses to hide his insecurities. He works way too hard, because he needs to keep his mind occupied, otherwise he thinks too much, and he has lots to think about. He knows what he has done, because he is not stupid, but he has gotten away with these things all his life…so he cannot possibly stop now. It works for him…so far. There will come a day when the house of cards will come tumbling down and he will crumble into a fetal position and he will understand hurt and alone. It will come. It has to come.
He is judgmental, and for someone coming from where he is, I found this really amusing. It is odd for someone who has done so much damage to someone else to be judgmental. I know from my experience it has taught me not to judge. How can I possibly sit up on a pedestal and look down on someone else's life? How could I possibly know what has made them make the choices they have made? Impossible.
The difference is that I have learned and I am still learning from my mistakes. I have had to pay a very high price for my lapses in judgment. Rett has never had to pay for his mistake(s). He has just continued on doing what he thinks is right without taking one single moment to think of someone other than himself. Nice gig if you can get it!
Ah, but I really don't know him, do I?
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Chapter 23 - The phone call
Saturday was an excruciatingly long day. I kept myself busy most of the day doing mundane weekend chores like laundry, and cleaning the house, but since I had gotten up at 7AM, it didn't take up that much of my day. By 7PM I was going out of my mind. I had gone to the bathroom a zillion times but I just couldn't calm myself down, so I went for a walk - a long walk to clear my mind. It didn't work. Nothing was going to work today.
When I got back after my walk I staged the area where I was going to be sitting. I brought a glass of water because my mouth felt like the Sahara Desert. The chair was positioned properly, I had my package of cigarettes and the ashtray. I lit a candle - not sure why, but it just felt right. Should I turn the lights on or off? Couldn't decide. My mind was going 1000 miles an hour. I also had a list of questions just in case there was a lull in the conversation. Remember this was a man who had not asked me one single question beyond "How was your weekend?" If he wasn't going to ask questions this was going to be a short conversation.
Okay, it's five minutes to nine and I'm sitting by the phone now. I CAN NOT STAND IT!!! I jump up, run to the kitchen and pour myself a Scotch...a good tall Scotch and down it. Yes, that will do the trick. It feels warm and smooth going down and it hits the spot. I am not a drinker, but there are certain times in life when a drink is necessary and this was definitely one of them.
He doesn't call at nine, it was a few minutes after - just like him to make me wait. The phone rings and he says, "So are you sitting out by the pool?" "No, it is cold and raining, so I am inside." There, the first words are over with and it seems okay.
Rett is not hard to talk to, he is a chatter box and there were no lulls in the conversation. We talked for three and a half hours, with not one lull. At the beginning of the conversation he seemed distant, not cold, but distant. He talked, and talked and talked. He shared stories about his work, his life, his home, and there was a lot of chest-pounding and pontificating. Then he seemed to calm down and I said to him "Oh, there you are...I was wondering if you were going to show up or not." He knew what I meant.
Finally we started talking about us and what had happened. He said to me, kind of out of the blue "You have good friends." I said I knew I had good friends, but I didn't understand how he knew. "One of your friends called me." he said "Called you when?" I asked, rapidly going through my list of friends to think who would have called him. "Right after." he replied. He was talking about right after the abortion, one of my 2 friends who knew about it had called him and reamed him out. He didn't remember who, but he remembered what they had said. It must have impacted him, since his memory was sketchy. "Yes, I am blessed with good friends." I told him.
The details of the conversation are blurring in my memory now. All I know is that it was so comfortable. He was sensitive, caring and patient. He didn't rush through anything. We were comfortable with one another. At one point we were talking about the wedding and I asked him something important. I asked him "Rett, when all those woman lined up in front of you to wait for the tossing of the bouquet, why did you chose me. I was looking at the picture today and there were about 15 women lined up...all good looking women, and there I was, the only one with her arms crossed. Why me?" He replied very quickly with "Why not you? I think you have some self-esteem issues." I replied just as quickly "No...those came after you!" The hurt is there. I can't make it go away. It sneaks out even when I'm not paying attention.
Rett's next comment may have changed the whole course of our journey. He said "Since you were standing there with your arms crossed, that might explain why you're not married." and he chuckled.
I said "What makes you think I'm not married?" He replied after a noticeable hesitation "You're married?!" "Yes I am." That's when the rapid fire questions started. "How long have you been married?" I answered "Twenty-one years." Then I added that I had met my husband four months after 'us'. "That can't be good." he replied.
I explained to him about my marriage in as few details as possible. I wasn't comfortable talking to him about it, because, still in my mind, this had nothing to do with my marriage. All I said was "It's complicated." And then I added that this is what happens when you don't ask any questions. He laughed.
There were lots more questions that followed, once he had started he couldn't stop. He asked me one question in particular that made me stop talking. He said "Do you have children?" I stopped dead, and sucked in air, because he should have known the answer to this already...if he had read my e-mail. He noticed my hesitation and he said quietly "I have a confession to make...I am still a coward...I didn't read your e-mail." He hadn't read my e-mail dealing with the part he didn't know!!! I had poured out my soul and it had been a heart wrenching experience and HE HADN'T READ IT!!! And he had gotten caught in a lie - he wasn't there and he wasn't listening. But what did I reply? "That's okay, I had a feeling you hadn't read it."
We went on talking after that, but it was stuck in my mind. What else hasn't he read? Why hadn't he read it? In my mind I rationalized it by saying that just because I was ready to share those horrid details, didn't necessarily mean he was ready to hear it. He should have been ready, but he had always been a coward...what would make me think he had changed.
At the end of the conversation he said he would call again soon, in a week. He didn't want to say good bye, and we took about half an hour to actually hang up, and he waited for me to hang up first.
Even with the discovery that he hadn't read all the information I had sent him, it still felt so good. I can't explain how it feels to get over hate, but it is euphoric. And I went right from hate to a nice, warm and comforting place.
When I got back after my walk I staged the area where I was going to be sitting. I brought a glass of water because my mouth felt like the Sahara Desert. The chair was positioned properly, I had my package of cigarettes and the ashtray. I lit a candle - not sure why, but it just felt right. Should I turn the lights on or off? Couldn't decide. My mind was going 1000 miles an hour. I also had a list of questions just in case there was a lull in the conversation. Remember this was a man who had not asked me one single question beyond "How was your weekend?" If he wasn't going to ask questions this was going to be a short conversation.
Okay, it's five minutes to nine and I'm sitting by the phone now. I CAN NOT STAND IT!!! I jump up, run to the kitchen and pour myself a Scotch...a good tall Scotch and down it. Yes, that will do the trick. It feels warm and smooth going down and it hits the spot. I am not a drinker, but there are certain times in life when a drink is necessary and this was definitely one of them.
He doesn't call at nine, it was a few minutes after - just like him to make me wait. The phone rings and he says, "So are you sitting out by the pool?" "No, it is cold and raining, so I am inside." There, the first words are over with and it seems okay.
Rett is not hard to talk to, he is a chatter box and there were no lulls in the conversation. We talked for three and a half hours, with not one lull. At the beginning of the conversation he seemed distant, not cold, but distant. He talked, and talked and talked. He shared stories about his work, his life, his home, and there was a lot of chest-pounding and pontificating. Then he seemed to calm down and I said to him "Oh, there you are...I was wondering if you were going to show up or not." He knew what I meant.
Finally we started talking about us and what had happened. He said to me, kind of out of the blue "You have good friends." I said I knew I had good friends, but I didn't understand how he knew. "One of your friends called me." he said "Called you when?" I asked, rapidly going through my list of friends to think who would have called him. "Right after." he replied. He was talking about right after the abortion, one of my 2 friends who knew about it had called him and reamed him out. He didn't remember who, but he remembered what they had said. It must have impacted him, since his memory was sketchy. "Yes, I am blessed with good friends." I told him.
The details of the conversation are blurring in my memory now. All I know is that it was so comfortable. He was sensitive, caring and patient. He didn't rush through anything. We were comfortable with one another. At one point we were talking about the wedding and I asked him something important. I asked him "Rett, when all those woman lined up in front of you to wait for the tossing of the bouquet, why did you chose me. I was looking at the picture today and there were about 15 women lined up...all good looking women, and there I was, the only one with her arms crossed. Why me?" He replied very quickly with "Why not you? I think you have some self-esteem issues." I replied just as quickly "No...those came after you!" The hurt is there. I can't make it go away. It sneaks out even when I'm not paying attention.
Rett's next comment may have changed the whole course of our journey. He said "Since you were standing there with your arms crossed, that might explain why you're not married." and he chuckled.
I said "What makes you think I'm not married?" He replied after a noticeable hesitation "You're married?!" "Yes I am." That's when the rapid fire questions started. "How long have you been married?" I answered "Twenty-one years." Then I added that I had met my husband four months after 'us'. "That can't be good." he replied.
I explained to him about my marriage in as few details as possible. I wasn't comfortable talking to him about it, because, still in my mind, this had nothing to do with my marriage. All I said was "It's complicated." And then I added that this is what happens when you don't ask any questions. He laughed.
There were lots more questions that followed, once he had started he couldn't stop. He asked me one question in particular that made me stop talking. He said "Do you have children?" I stopped dead, and sucked in air, because he should have known the answer to this already...if he had read my e-mail. He noticed my hesitation and he said quietly "I have a confession to make...I am still a coward...I didn't read your e-mail." He hadn't read my e-mail dealing with the part he didn't know!!! I had poured out my soul and it had been a heart wrenching experience and HE HADN'T READ IT!!! And he had gotten caught in a lie - he wasn't there and he wasn't listening. But what did I reply? "That's okay, I had a feeling you hadn't read it."
We went on talking after that, but it was stuck in my mind. What else hasn't he read? Why hadn't he read it? In my mind I rationalized it by saying that just because I was ready to share those horrid details, didn't necessarily mean he was ready to hear it. He should have been ready, but he had always been a coward...what would make me think he had changed.
At the end of the conversation he said he would call again soon, in a week. He didn't want to say good bye, and we took about half an hour to actually hang up, and he waited for me to hang up first.
Even with the discovery that he hadn't read all the information I had sent him, it still felt so good. I can't explain how it feels to get over hate, but it is euphoric. And I went right from hate to a nice, warm and comforting place.
Chapter 22 - The epiphany
By the time that a month had passed I had an epiphany. I have read several descriptions of what epiphanies are and mine was a true moment of clarity. I had been feeling down in the mouth, sorry for myself, and truly hurting. I was feeling abandoned by Rett - again, and I really wanted to keep him in my life. What had I done to make him run away? I missed him.
The epiphany happened at 2:14PM on July 3rd...yes I know the exact time and date. I was outside taking a break from work, and I was looking towards the sky, searching for answers and then it came to me - what the hell have I been doing? What was I whining about? Yeah, we had a bad experience, but so what? It does not define us. it does not have the power to dictate the rest of our lives, but it can make us better people if we choose to be. And I am. and so is he. In spite of, or despite of, we are here, we are alive, and we are giving, understanding and caring.
It was as if a cloud was lifted from around my head. I could think clearly and I had to get home and send an e-mail to Rett. I typed faster than I have ever typed before I just had to get this out to him. This was why he had run away, he could see no way to help me, I had to find it myself and I had. This was the answer I had been seeking.
I finished typing and normally I would go back and edit and rewrite, but not this time. I just pressed send! Because it didn't really matter whether he replied or not I had my answer. I still wanted to hear from him but I didn't NEED to hear from for the first time in four long months.
I had a reply back from him within the hour. All it said was...
"You may have just earned yourself a phone number. Way too busy to type, but it appears the time has served you well. Send me a phone number - maybe we can ratchet this up a notch.
No guts, no glory,
Rett"
Oh my god! We were about to enter Phase 2 and I wasn't ready or prepared for that. I hadn't anticipated this response. What do I do now?
Rett and I and phones had not been a good memory for me. The last time I had spoken to him was just after the abortion, when I called to let him know it was over and that I was alive. He had told me he knew because he had called the hospital - I knew that was a lie. I never called again because there was no need. His voice had been cold, very cold. Not just the sound of his voice but his demeanor was harsh. I had blanked out the sound of his voice but not the words or the feelings it had caused, the hurt to my soul I had felt.
I also had another dilemma. I was married. I had told my husband that I was corresponding with this man to try and get some answers, but now I had to explain to him why he was calling.
I don't want to get into the details of my marriage because it has nothing to do with this story. My marriage was over years ago. I knew that and so did my husband. We had been 'separated' but living together for many years. We were friends but not a married couple. We should never have married. I met my husband 4 months after the abortion and I know now that I should never have entered into a relationship with anyone at that time. I guess I am lucky because he wasn't physically abusive because many women in my position end up with abusive husbands. There are some things to be thankful for I guess.
I sent an e-mail back to Rett and gave him my cell phone number and I stalled. I lied to him and told him I had house guests. I needed time to talk to my husband, but more than that I needed time to prepare myself.
I spoke to my husband and told him what was going on and then I sent another e-mail to Rett and gave him my home phone number. My cell phone does not work in my house. We are under some dead zone and the reception is terrible.
So, now I was waiting again. I told my husband that if there was a call that came through from another area code, that he was not to answer. I also asked that if the call came through, could he give me some space and leave me alone to talk. This wasn't going to be a friendly conversation, we had so many things to talk through.
About ten days after that, I was at a friend's pool party. Just a group of woman who I worked with...but they are more than colleagues, they are friends. After the party, one of the woman drove me home. While we were driving, I decided to share my story with her. My therapist had suggested that I share more with people who I trusted, and I trust her. She came into the backyard and we sat and drank tea and talked.
While sitting outside...my cell phone rang. I do not get many calls on my cell phone, so my heart skipped a beat. I picked it up and said "Hello". A male voice on the other end of the line said "Annette...It's Rett." I could not say a word. I could not breathe. I grabbed my girlfriends hand and I mouthed...it's him!! She attempted to get up and leave but I grabbed her hand tight. I didn't want to be alone. Rett said "Breathe...breathe in and breathe out."
Finally I was able to speak but all I could say was "Oh my god." Rett talked, small talk, lots of small talk. He said he was just making this call to set up a time for our next conversation. He said he knew it was going to be difficult for me, so he thought he would get the first phone call out of the way. That was sweet, and thoughtful of him. I eventually calmed down enough to chatter a bit, but nothing really important. We set up a time for the next night at 9pm - Rett said "Kinda like a date. Only 23 hours to wait." It was going to be a very long 23 hours!!!
The epiphany happened at 2:14PM on July 3rd...yes I know the exact time and date. I was outside taking a break from work, and I was looking towards the sky, searching for answers and then it came to me - what the hell have I been doing? What was I whining about? Yeah, we had a bad experience, but so what? It does not define us. it does not have the power to dictate the rest of our lives, but it can make us better people if we choose to be. And I am. and so is he. In spite of, or despite of, we are here, we are alive, and we are giving, understanding and caring.
It was as if a cloud was lifted from around my head. I could think clearly and I had to get home and send an e-mail to Rett. I typed faster than I have ever typed before I just had to get this out to him. This was why he had run away, he could see no way to help me, I had to find it myself and I had. This was the answer I had been seeking.
I finished typing and normally I would go back and edit and rewrite, but not this time. I just pressed send! Because it didn't really matter whether he replied or not I had my answer. I still wanted to hear from him but I didn't NEED to hear from for the first time in four long months.
I had a reply back from him within the hour. All it said was...
"You may have just earned yourself a phone number. Way too busy to type, but it appears the time has served you well. Send me a phone number - maybe we can ratchet this up a notch.
No guts, no glory,
Rett"
Oh my god! We were about to enter Phase 2 and I wasn't ready or prepared for that. I hadn't anticipated this response. What do I do now?
Rett and I and phones had not been a good memory for me. The last time I had spoken to him was just after the abortion, when I called to let him know it was over and that I was alive. He had told me he knew because he had called the hospital - I knew that was a lie. I never called again because there was no need. His voice had been cold, very cold. Not just the sound of his voice but his demeanor was harsh. I had blanked out the sound of his voice but not the words or the feelings it had caused, the hurt to my soul I had felt.
I also had another dilemma. I was married. I had told my husband that I was corresponding with this man to try and get some answers, but now I had to explain to him why he was calling.
I don't want to get into the details of my marriage because it has nothing to do with this story. My marriage was over years ago. I knew that and so did my husband. We had been 'separated' but living together for many years. We were friends but not a married couple. We should never have married. I met my husband 4 months after the abortion and I know now that I should never have entered into a relationship with anyone at that time. I guess I am lucky because he wasn't physically abusive because many women in my position end up with abusive husbands. There are some things to be thankful for I guess.
I sent an e-mail back to Rett and gave him my cell phone number and I stalled. I lied to him and told him I had house guests. I needed time to talk to my husband, but more than that I needed time to prepare myself.
I spoke to my husband and told him what was going on and then I sent another e-mail to Rett and gave him my home phone number. My cell phone does not work in my house. We are under some dead zone and the reception is terrible.
So, now I was waiting again. I told my husband that if there was a call that came through from another area code, that he was not to answer. I also asked that if the call came through, could he give me some space and leave me alone to talk. This wasn't going to be a friendly conversation, we had so many things to talk through.
About ten days after that, I was at a friend's pool party. Just a group of woman who I worked with...but they are more than colleagues, they are friends. After the party, one of the woman drove me home. While we were driving, I decided to share my story with her. My therapist had suggested that I share more with people who I trusted, and I trust her. She came into the backyard and we sat and drank tea and talked.
While sitting outside...my cell phone rang. I do not get many calls on my cell phone, so my heart skipped a beat. I picked it up and said "Hello". A male voice on the other end of the line said "Annette...It's Rett." I could not say a word. I could not breathe. I grabbed my girlfriends hand and I mouthed...it's him!! She attempted to get up and leave but I grabbed her hand tight. I didn't want to be alone. Rett said "Breathe...breathe in and breathe out."
Finally I was able to speak but all I could say was "Oh my god." Rett talked, small talk, lots of small talk. He said he was just making this call to set up a time for our next conversation. He said he knew it was going to be difficult for me, so he thought he would get the first phone call out of the way. That was sweet, and thoughtful of him. I eventually calmed down enough to chatter a bit, but nothing really important. We set up a time for the next night at 9pm - Rett said "Kinda like a date. Only 23 hours to wait." It was going to be a very long 23 hours!!!
Chapter 21 - The three phases
We corresponded very little over the next month. I knew that what I had sent him had made him run away. It hurt me to think that what I had written, telling him the truth had caused our communication to stop. To me, I thought that what I had done, was so horrible that even Rett could not stand to hear about it. We had stressed at the beginning that we were going to be honest with one another, and we knew sometimes it was going to be brutal, but I needed to hear the truth and so did he. Apparently I could handle it better than he.
In my head there were three phases to this journey. The first phase was sending him the e-mail and then getting his response. The second phase would be talking to him on the phone. And the third stage would be seeing him. I wasn't sure how each of the stages would be, or how they would happen, but they would happen. The stages were important because it would allow me to trust again. I had to learn to trust. With the e-mails it would be easy to gain my trust, because words are easy and there is no way of telling a truth from a lie. They both look the same when printed. A conversation on the phone would be a little more difficult to lie, as there are truths spoken in silences and tones. I am a really good listener and I can tell things from a person's voice. The final stage of meeting would be the most important because the eyes tell all. There is no hiding behind a phrase, or faking a feeling, because the body language and the eyes are windows to the soul. But we were a long way from meeting.
This year was a big year for me. I was turning 50. I have never been age-conscious like so many woman. I feel much younger than 50, but then again, what does 50 feel like? I had started walking early in the year to get to a healthier spot in my life. Over the years I had gained weight...too much weight, but when you are unhappy you try to fill the void in your life with something. My drug of choice was food. I knew this because as soon as I started my journey with Rett I stopped trying to fill the emptiness. He helped me fill the hole in my soul.
And the changes were visible. It is strange how healing your inner self can affect your outer shell. As the months went on and the healing progressed my body was changing, not just because of the weight loss but the lightening of my spirit was showing through. I had been heavy from all the guilt, shame and hurt I was carrying inside. I had started walking differently with my head held higher, no longer was I feeling like an abused woman. I was getting answers to questions that had haunted me all my adult life and that was enlightening. I was feeling happy.
I had a plan of going to Las Vegas for my 50th birthday. It would be a present to myself. That has been the plan for a long time. I'm not sure why I chose Vegas, it just seemed distant and different. Co-incidences are never co-incidences.
Journeys are funny though, because you have to travel alone. You can't force someone to travel with you. From time to time you pick up hitchhikers along the way, then drop them off at their destinations. Some travel further than others, some just a couple of blocks. But ultimately you are alone.
When I look back on it now, I think that my journey and Rett's were heading in two different directions. My journey was and will always be, about the abortion. I suffered a great loss that can never be replaced. But I needed to find closure. I thought that Rett could help me find it, and I thought he would need it as well. But we were not on the same page, ever. It was a journey I didn't want to take alone.
During this month I did a lot of soul searching. I am not a selfish person by nature so spending time thinking about myself is difficult. I had been going through my life never really living it for me. Somewhere along the way I had lost myself, lost the ability to think of myself and what I wanted or needed. I put the wants and needs of everyone before my own, as if I didn't have the right to do anything for myself. Unconsciously I think I was punishing myself.
Evan though Rett was not as responsive as I wanted him to be, he was there and he was listening...I interpreted this as a sign of caring. I had needed him to care. And I cared for him too. I was beginning to feel something for him, something other than hate, and that was good. I was uncovering the layers of this complex man and when every once in a while I would see the inner core of him, it was worth the hard work.
There has always been something about him that I liked. And it is more something he does to me, rather than something about him, if that makes any sense. I like how I feel around him. He is a complex man with strict beliefs and opinions, and he is very bright. I enjoy a strong, intelligent man. But Rett also has a very dark side that is as cold as steel. I thought he had lost that side, but I was wrong.
In my head there were three phases to this journey. The first phase was sending him the e-mail and then getting his response. The second phase would be talking to him on the phone. And the third stage would be seeing him. I wasn't sure how each of the stages would be, or how they would happen, but they would happen. The stages were important because it would allow me to trust again. I had to learn to trust. With the e-mails it would be easy to gain my trust, because words are easy and there is no way of telling a truth from a lie. They both look the same when printed. A conversation on the phone would be a little more difficult to lie, as there are truths spoken in silences and tones. I am a really good listener and I can tell things from a person's voice. The final stage of meeting would be the most important because the eyes tell all. There is no hiding behind a phrase, or faking a feeling, because the body language and the eyes are windows to the soul. But we were a long way from meeting.
This year was a big year for me. I was turning 50. I have never been age-conscious like so many woman. I feel much younger than 50, but then again, what does 50 feel like? I had started walking early in the year to get to a healthier spot in my life. Over the years I had gained weight...too much weight, but when you are unhappy you try to fill the void in your life with something. My drug of choice was food. I knew this because as soon as I started my journey with Rett I stopped trying to fill the emptiness. He helped me fill the hole in my soul.
And the changes were visible. It is strange how healing your inner self can affect your outer shell. As the months went on and the healing progressed my body was changing, not just because of the weight loss but the lightening of my spirit was showing through. I had been heavy from all the guilt, shame and hurt I was carrying inside. I had started walking differently with my head held higher, no longer was I feeling like an abused woman. I was getting answers to questions that had haunted me all my adult life and that was enlightening. I was feeling happy.
I had a plan of going to Las Vegas for my 50th birthday. It would be a present to myself. That has been the plan for a long time. I'm not sure why I chose Vegas, it just seemed distant and different. Co-incidences are never co-incidences.
Journeys are funny though, because you have to travel alone. You can't force someone to travel with you. From time to time you pick up hitchhikers along the way, then drop them off at their destinations. Some travel further than others, some just a couple of blocks. But ultimately you are alone.
When I look back on it now, I think that my journey and Rett's were heading in two different directions. My journey was and will always be, about the abortion. I suffered a great loss that can never be replaced. But I needed to find closure. I thought that Rett could help me find it, and I thought he would need it as well. But we were not on the same page, ever. It was a journey I didn't want to take alone.
During this month I did a lot of soul searching. I am not a selfish person by nature so spending time thinking about myself is difficult. I had been going through my life never really living it for me. Somewhere along the way I had lost myself, lost the ability to think of myself and what I wanted or needed. I put the wants and needs of everyone before my own, as if I didn't have the right to do anything for myself. Unconsciously I think I was punishing myself.
Evan though Rett was not as responsive as I wanted him to be, he was there and he was listening...I interpreted this as a sign of caring. I had needed him to care. And I cared for him too. I was beginning to feel something for him, something other than hate, and that was good. I was uncovering the layers of this complex man and when every once in a while I would see the inner core of him, it was worth the hard work.
There has always been something about him that I liked. And it is more something he does to me, rather than something about him, if that makes any sense. I like how I feel around him. He is a complex man with strict beliefs and opinions, and he is very bright. I enjoy a strong, intelligent man. But Rett also has a very dark side that is as cold as steel. I thought he had lost that side, but I was wrong.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Chapter 20 - Questions & Answers
While all of this has been transpiring around me, I am carrying on my life. I am still on my course for work. It is not an easy thing to do, to carry on your normal everyday chores while your world is crumbling around your ears. I was in therapy but it is a very slow process and I was not really sure why I was there. I asked my therapist for a list of things to do to make me feel better, to help me cope. I am a Type A personality. I have always worked very hard, given my all to my job plus some. I have a house and a husband. And I have this other life that I have been living. That's how it felt, as if I were living two lives. One in the present and the other in the past.
When I started this process I told myself that all I wanted was to deal with the issues from 26 years ago, but somehow it was spilling into my current life. My boundaries were blurring. I had never asked a question of Rett concerning his current situation. I had never asked if he was married, or if he had children or even what he did for a living. Nothing to do with his current life. Those questionnaires that we filled out where general questions that dealt with miscellaneous things like - what was the last meal you ate? Or your favourite childhood toy? But somehow Rett worked in items from his current life. He did it deliberately.
One such question was "How do you vent anger?" His reply was "I don't know, learning a whole new skill set post divorce. Not much to get angry about these days, but I do believe it is a choice." I could not have anticipated the response I received from that question.
Another question was "What is your favourite day of the year?" Rett's response was "March 4 - Duh. Used to be Dec 25 when the kids (step) were around. Any day when the kids are here." I had never asked him about children, nor would I ever have asked, and that was a premeditated, deliberate choice on my part. It was one of the only things I definitely did not want to know. I had always felt that he had not had children, and I can't explain how I knew that. There are just some things you know. But he had managed to work it into that simple, harmless question. He wanted to share those two pieces of information.
I remember reading the response concerning his favourite day and seeing the word children, and could feel a tightness around my heart, I could feel the colour draining from my face. I was so afraid of his referencing children in any way. I had never been sure how I would feel if he started talking about children...if he had children, would I feel jealous, and if he didn't, would I feel guilty? It was too close to my hurt feelings and I didn't want to go there...but there it was, and it was okay. But he put it there deliberately. I can see that now.
It was odd to think about Rett as a 48 year old man. When I would think about him, I only had his image from 26 years ago, and that's what I saw. I tried to age him in my head, but it isn't easy to do. I wasn't really interested in what he looked like, I was more interested in the man he was, what his personality was like. That's why those questionnaires and the questions I asked were so important in sculpting an image of who he was.
At least I had a reference point to draw from. Rett kept telling me, over and over that he may not have remembered my name, but he remembered my face, my smile, my laugh and my personality. So, I called him on it. I asked him to tell me exactly what he remembered. I (as always) knew the answer before I asked it. He made an effort, but all he had was that I was vertically challenged (at least compared to him), my laugh, that I was intelligent, and he remembered my cry and a couple of phone calls. Nothing specific except for the reference to my height which he had gotten from me in a previous e-mail questionnaire where I made reference to the fact the I was short. He had nothing.
When I replied to this e-mail I called him on this because it was so apparent he remembered nothing of the physical me. At the time when we were together I had extremely long hair...to my ass. If I had asked ANYONE to describe me from that point in time, that would have been the first item they would have listed.
But I explained it to Rett in a way that would make him feel better about his memory loss. I told him I understood, because he had spent the last 26 years trying to forget the physical me...and all he remembered was my voice, my cry and conversations we had over the phone, and those he truly did remember better than I. Those are the memories that have dulled for me. I had absolutely no recollection of the sound of his voice - NOTHING. And I knew why...because that is where my trauma with him was...over the phone.
Our minds help us deal with these traumas in ways we are not ever aware.
When I started this process I told myself that all I wanted was to deal with the issues from 26 years ago, but somehow it was spilling into my current life. My boundaries were blurring. I had never asked a question of Rett concerning his current situation. I had never asked if he was married, or if he had children or even what he did for a living. Nothing to do with his current life. Those questionnaires that we filled out where general questions that dealt with miscellaneous things like - what was the last meal you ate? Or your favourite childhood toy? But somehow Rett worked in items from his current life. He did it deliberately.
One such question was "How do you vent anger?" His reply was "I don't know, learning a whole new skill set post divorce. Not much to get angry about these days, but I do believe it is a choice." I could not have anticipated the response I received from that question.
Another question was "What is your favourite day of the year?" Rett's response was "March 4 - Duh. Used to be Dec 25 when the kids (step) were around. Any day when the kids are here." I had never asked him about children, nor would I ever have asked, and that was a premeditated, deliberate choice on my part. It was one of the only things I definitely did not want to know. I had always felt that he had not had children, and I can't explain how I knew that. There are just some things you know. But he had managed to work it into that simple, harmless question. He wanted to share those two pieces of information.
I remember reading the response concerning his favourite day and seeing the word children, and could feel a tightness around my heart, I could feel the colour draining from my face. I was so afraid of his referencing children in any way. I had never been sure how I would feel if he started talking about children...if he had children, would I feel jealous, and if he didn't, would I feel guilty? It was too close to my hurt feelings and I didn't want to go there...but there it was, and it was okay. But he put it there deliberately. I can see that now.
It was odd to think about Rett as a 48 year old man. When I would think about him, I only had his image from 26 years ago, and that's what I saw. I tried to age him in my head, but it isn't easy to do. I wasn't really interested in what he looked like, I was more interested in the man he was, what his personality was like. That's why those questionnaires and the questions I asked were so important in sculpting an image of who he was.
At least I had a reference point to draw from. Rett kept telling me, over and over that he may not have remembered my name, but he remembered my face, my smile, my laugh and my personality. So, I called him on it. I asked him to tell me exactly what he remembered. I (as always) knew the answer before I asked it. He made an effort, but all he had was that I was vertically challenged (at least compared to him), my laugh, that I was intelligent, and he remembered my cry and a couple of phone calls. Nothing specific except for the reference to my height which he had gotten from me in a previous e-mail questionnaire where I made reference to the fact the I was short. He had nothing.
When I replied to this e-mail I called him on this because it was so apparent he remembered nothing of the physical me. At the time when we were together I had extremely long hair...to my ass. If I had asked ANYONE to describe me from that point in time, that would have been the first item they would have listed.
But I explained it to Rett in a way that would make him feel better about his memory loss. I told him I understood, because he had spent the last 26 years trying to forget the physical me...and all he remembered was my voice, my cry and conversations we had over the phone, and those he truly did remember better than I. Those are the memories that have dulled for me. I had absolutely no recollection of the sound of his voice - NOTHING. And I knew why...because that is where my trauma with him was...over the phone.
Our minds help us deal with these traumas in ways we are not ever aware.
Chapter 19 - Trying to breathe...
I finally received a response from Rett the day after I sent that e-mail. It wasn't what I expected.
"I am just back after a rather large road trip, and back on the road to the factory tomorrow - probably back late Wednesday.
I guess I have been avoiding you - the heart through me for a loop. I have my opinions on this but, would rather hold them for later. You are on a roll and I do not wish to interrupt your train of thought. Pretty good rationalization for my procrastination, huh translation=eh)...?
I'm here - I'm listening - keep going when you can... I really do understand your thoughts and your feelings that you are expressing here, but...
You need to get it out, then let it go - your angels already have - and me too. If I can help I will, but girl - it is so far past time to forgive yourself, and it is definitely way beyond time to move on.
What is done, is done. Respect whoever gave you this life and spend the rest of it reveling in it. Believe it or not you are on your chosen path with the full support of the powers from above, which would mean to me that there must be some really good stuff coming to you soon. Lift up your head, and go find it...
and breathe...
Rett"
I am not sure what I expected. I think I was looking for him to say some comforting words, something to help me, and in his way he was trying to help. But it wasn't enough, it never was enough.
But at least I had my answer about the pendant. It had upset him, and as is his normal way of dealing with matters that upset him...he ran away...he withdrew.
I had opened up my heart and my soul to him. I let him see inside my private hell like I had never let anyone see me before. I shared myself with him again. What is it about him that makes me do this, not once but twice. Yes, that old saying "Fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice, shame on me!" keeps coming to mind.
Okay, I knew things were not going as I thought they should, so I had to do something to 'fix' it. I couldn't possible think about this being the end. I still needed answers from him. I still wanted to hear his 'opinions' on the pendant. I hadn't unscrambled all the pieces to the puzzle of my life yet.
Rett and I have been corresponding for three months by now. This has been occupying practically all my time. When I'm not writing to him, I am writing about him in my journal. I check my e-mail too many times a day. I go back and re-read his e-mails, then I re-read the ones I have sent. I even resorted to checking our horoscopes to see what the zodiac thinks I should be doing. I would have consulted a psychic if I knew one. My life was out of control.
And I am writing the second part that I needed to share with him. Let's just say, that as hard as it was to write the first part...this was worse. I sent it to him the beginning of June. As soon as I pressed the Send key, my stomach turned into a knot. But I had to do it. I wrote in my journal that I hated sending it because I knew (thought) it would hurt him, but then I thought...no...if he had been with me, as he should have been, then he would know this already...and maybe he could have prevented some of it from happening to me.
It was done. It wasn't all that I wanted to tell him, but it was enough for now. And again, I waited for his response, and nothing came. I knew this time that he had run. When I had heard from him lately he kept telling me how busy he was, and that he had been away from home without any access to internet. But in my heart I felt he had gone.
Now I had to think about how to get him back.
"I am just back after a rather large road trip, and back on the road to the factory tomorrow - probably back late Wednesday.
I guess I have been avoiding you - the heart through me for a loop. I have my opinions on this but, would rather hold them for later. You are on a roll and I do not wish to interrupt your train of thought. Pretty good rationalization for my procrastination, huh translation=eh)...?
I'm here - I'm listening - keep going when you can... I really do understand your thoughts and your feelings that you are expressing here, but...
You need to get it out, then let it go - your angels already have - and me too. If I can help I will, but girl - it is so far past time to forgive yourself, and it is definitely way beyond time to move on.
What is done, is done. Respect whoever gave you this life and spend the rest of it reveling in it. Believe it or not you are on your chosen path with the full support of the powers from above, which would mean to me that there must be some really good stuff coming to you soon. Lift up your head, and go find it...
and breathe...
Rett"
I am not sure what I expected. I think I was looking for him to say some comforting words, something to help me, and in his way he was trying to help. But it wasn't enough, it never was enough.
But at least I had my answer about the pendant. It had upset him, and as is his normal way of dealing with matters that upset him...he ran away...he withdrew.
I had opened up my heart and my soul to him. I let him see inside my private hell like I had never let anyone see me before. I shared myself with him again. What is it about him that makes me do this, not once but twice. Yes, that old saying "Fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice, shame on me!" keeps coming to mind.
Okay, I knew things were not going as I thought they should, so I had to do something to 'fix' it. I couldn't possible think about this being the end. I still needed answers from him. I still wanted to hear his 'opinions' on the pendant. I hadn't unscrambled all the pieces to the puzzle of my life yet.
Rett and I have been corresponding for three months by now. This has been occupying practically all my time. When I'm not writing to him, I am writing about him in my journal. I check my e-mail too many times a day. I go back and re-read his e-mails, then I re-read the ones I have sent. I even resorted to checking our horoscopes to see what the zodiac thinks I should be doing. I would have consulted a psychic if I knew one. My life was out of control.
And I am writing the second part that I needed to share with him. Let's just say, that as hard as it was to write the first part...this was worse. I sent it to him the beginning of June. As soon as I pressed the Send key, my stomach turned into a knot. But I had to do it. I wrote in my journal that I hated sending it because I knew (thought) it would hurt him, but then I thought...no...if he had been with me, as he should have been, then he would know this already...and maybe he could have prevented some of it from happening to me.
It was done. It wasn't all that I wanted to tell him, but it was enough for now. And again, I waited for his response, and nothing came. I knew this time that he had run. When I had heard from him lately he kept telling me how busy he was, and that he had been away from home without any access to internet. But in my heart I felt he had gone.
Now I had to think about how to get him back.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Chapter 18 - What was I thinking?
By the time I sent the details of the part Rett was missing, I was spent. I was losing hope that we would be able to salvage anything from all the work we had done. When this process started I was in control. I had sent the first e-mail and then I handed over the keys of the bus to him. From that point on, I was waiting for him to respond. I never made him wait. I never make men wait. I never make anyone wait.
I sent Rett several e-mails during this period. Each one needier than the previous one. I didn't beg, but god it came close. I tried to make him understand how important all of this was to me. I was searching for life-answers, not just friendly chatter or closeness. I was looking into the gates of Hell and I needed someone to extent their hand to help grab me away. Help me please.
When I sent him the e-mail with the details of Part 1 I tried to explain to him why I was being so needy. Below is what I shared with him.
" Yes, it's the pain in the ass, me again. I'm not sure if you are pissed at me, avoiding me, or just still busy, so I have taken the past couple of weeks to write what I have been putting off writing...the part you need to know.
I have been hesitating because I feel that by knowing this, it will hurt you, and I didn't (don't) want to knowingly hurt you...it is just not in my nature to hurt someone I care about. But on the other hand, I have this sinking feeling that you want me to go away, be out of your life and I need to tell you the whole story before that happens. I could only manage to write part of it because ...it breaks my heart to write it, to relive it, but maybe it will help you understand why talking (writing) to you is so necessary for me. I am NOT a needy person in any other aspect of my life. I am independent, self-assured, capable, and intelligent, yet when it comes to this ...I am a mess and I HATE that I need you or anyone but I just can't seem to do it alone. I am so sorry...really, really sorry.
You asked me in one of the first e-mails what you could do to help, well here it is...don't ignore me or make me wait long periods of time. I'm not asking for epic responses, just an "okay" or "no thanks" or "FUCK OFF" will do. When I was in the hospital after the abortion, I kept asking the nurses if anyone had called to ask how I was, and their response was always the same "No one has called." I still held out hope that maybe you would care enough to at least call the nurses’ station to see if I had made it through the operation. Waiting, waiting, waiting...stupid, stupid, stupid. I just can't take a hint can I?
Maybe once you read the part that you are missing you will understand why that tiny heart pendant means so very much to me. Perhaps I was premature in sending it to you, but I still feel you do understand. The only time in the last while that I have felt things were okay was when I would read your e-mails. Somehow talking to you makes me feel better. I think I need your forgiveness too."
Yes, this was a low point in my journey. I was feeling so vulnerable and riddled with sadness, shame and guilt. I was right back to where it had all begun with Rett. My sores were open and oozing.
My therapist told me that I needed comforting from Rett, because that was what I had wanted all those years ago. I wasn't sure what I wanted. I know that at this point I did care about him, but it never felt right. At one point I told my therapist that I felt like one of those women who correspond with prison inmates. I knew that Rett was a bad person, yet I still wanted to correspond with him.
What was I thinking?
I was thinking that somehow Rett could make me feel better. I thought that if somehow he and I could become friends it would take the hurt away. I thought that forgiveness could create healing. But it doesn't work like that. No one can heal you...you have to heal yourself. And forgiveness is not something you give someone...they have to earn it and it is something only a much higher being can give.
I sent Rett several e-mails during this period. Each one needier than the previous one. I didn't beg, but god it came close. I tried to make him understand how important all of this was to me. I was searching for life-answers, not just friendly chatter or closeness. I was looking into the gates of Hell and I needed someone to extent their hand to help grab me away. Help me please.
When I sent him the e-mail with the details of Part 1 I tried to explain to him why I was being so needy. Below is what I shared with him.
" Yes, it's the pain in the ass, me again. I'm not sure if you are pissed at me, avoiding me, or just still busy, so I have taken the past couple of weeks to write what I have been putting off writing...the part you need to know.
I have been hesitating because I feel that by knowing this, it will hurt you, and I didn't (don't) want to knowingly hurt you...it is just not in my nature to hurt someone I care about. But on the other hand, I have this sinking feeling that you want me to go away, be out of your life and I need to tell you the whole story before that happens. I could only manage to write part of it because ...it breaks my heart to write it, to relive it, but maybe it will help you understand why talking (writing) to you is so necessary for me. I am NOT a needy person in any other aspect of my life. I am independent, self-assured, capable, and intelligent, yet when it comes to this ...I am a mess and I HATE that I need you or anyone but I just can't seem to do it alone. I am so sorry...really, really sorry.
You asked me in one of the first e-mails what you could do to help, well here it is...don't ignore me or make me wait long periods of time. I'm not asking for epic responses, just an "okay" or "no thanks" or "FUCK OFF" will do. When I was in the hospital after the abortion, I kept asking the nurses if anyone had called to ask how I was, and their response was always the same "No one has called." I still held out hope that maybe you would care enough to at least call the nurses’ station to see if I had made it through the operation. Waiting, waiting, waiting...stupid, stupid, stupid. I just can't take a hint can I?
Maybe once you read the part that you are missing you will understand why that tiny heart pendant means so very much to me. Perhaps I was premature in sending it to you, but I still feel you do understand. The only time in the last while that I have felt things were okay was when I would read your e-mails. Somehow talking to you makes me feel better. I think I need your forgiveness too."
Yes, this was a low point in my journey. I was feeling so vulnerable and riddled with sadness, shame and guilt. I was right back to where it had all begun with Rett. My sores were open and oozing.
My therapist told me that I needed comforting from Rett, because that was what I had wanted all those years ago. I wasn't sure what I wanted. I know that at this point I did care about him, but it never felt right. At one point I told my therapist that I felt like one of those women who correspond with prison inmates. I knew that Rett was a bad person, yet I still wanted to correspond with him.
What was I thinking?
I was thinking that somehow Rett could make me feel better. I thought that if somehow he and I could become friends it would take the hurt away. I thought that forgiveness could create healing. But it doesn't work like that. No one can heal you...you have to heal yourself. And forgiveness is not something you give someone...they have to earn it and it is something only a much higher being can give.
Chapter 17 - The part he didn't know
I started to write the part he didn't know and it was as if the gates of Hell were opened and every dark thought, dream, smell and feeling were encompassing me. I wrote in spurts, then would curl up in a fetal position and cry for hours. The hurt was unbearable. I don't even think the word hurt is strong enough to describe what I was going through...it was more torture. And I was doing it willingly, which is sick in itself. Why would someone inflict this kind of pain on themselves? What was wrong with me?
How do I explain this, or tell this to Rett? I had to tell what happened, but I also had to think that what I was saying was going to hurt him too if he had any feelings. I never wanted to tell him this way...not in a letter or an e-mail. It made me feel guilty. Here I was telling this horrific story and sending it to him, for him to read all by himself, to deal with it all by himself. Was I not as bad as he had been to me all those years ago, leaving him alone with this? Yes I was. This was the thought process I was going through.
There was no way I could tell this without my hurt feelings coming onto the pages. I couldn't remove myself from what I was writing. And always in the back of my mind was the fear that at the end of writing it...he would disappear. The fear that what I was about to open up and share, would be so horrific, he would never speak to me again. I was making a HUGE leap of faith with someone for the first time in 26 years.
I couldn't write the whole story in one sitting, it was just too painful, and so I ended the first part at the point in time just before I went into the hospital. I was exhausted after I wrote it, so exhausted I could barely make it up the stairs to bed. Mental exhaustion as if you had just finished writing all your university exams in one day - a marathon of the mind. And I sent it to Rett.
And then I waited, and I waited, and I waited for his reply. Each day I became more and more panicked. There it was, out there for the first time in all those years. There I was lying naked again...and he was gone. I had been open and honest about my abandonment issues. I had even joked (half) about there being a "Miss Manners" rule for replying to e-mails within four days. But did that matter to him...not one bit.
He just left me hanging again.
How do I explain this, or tell this to Rett? I had to tell what happened, but I also had to think that what I was saying was going to hurt him too if he had any feelings. I never wanted to tell him this way...not in a letter or an e-mail. It made me feel guilty. Here I was telling this horrific story and sending it to him, for him to read all by himself, to deal with it all by himself. Was I not as bad as he had been to me all those years ago, leaving him alone with this? Yes I was. This was the thought process I was going through.
There was no way I could tell this without my hurt feelings coming onto the pages. I couldn't remove myself from what I was writing. And always in the back of my mind was the fear that at the end of writing it...he would disappear. The fear that what I was about to open up and share, would be so horrific, he would never speak to me again. I was making a HUGE leap of faith with someone for the first time in 26 years.
I couldn't write the whole story in one sitting, it was just too painful, and so I ended the first part at the point in time just before I went into the hospital. I was exhausted after I wrote it, so exhausted I could barely make it up the stairs to bed. Mental exhaustion as if you had just finished writing all your university exams in one day - a marathon of the mind. And I sent it to Rett.
And then I waited, and I waited, and I waited for his reply. Each day I became more and more panicked. There it was, out there for the first time in all those years. There I was lying naked again...and he was gone. I had been open and honest about my abandonment issues. I had even joked (half) about there being a "Miss Manners" rule for replying to e-mails within four days. But did that matter to him...not one bit.
He just left me hanging again.
Chapter 16 - The Tiny Heart Pendant
Things seemed to be going well, and I was feeling secure with my newfound relationship with Rett. I wasn't sure how to define it if anyone asked, but it was something, at least to me. If nothing else I was getting to know him, or at least what he was sharing with me. It felt so good, I felt so good. The shroud of guilt that I had been feeling for so many years was lifting. I could feel a difference in the way I was walking and interacting with people. I was also sharing my story with some of my friends.
For so many years this had been my little dark secret, something I didn't share with anyone. But why didn't I share it with people? What did I have to be ashamed of? Why was I afraid? I have good friends...really good friends. They are supportive, intelligent, compassionate, non-judgmental women, and I am proud I am part of their lives and blessed that they are in mine.
They come from all walks of life, differing age-groups, religions and cultural backgrounds. So, I started sharing my life story with them. I was tentative and cautious at first but they were all wonderful. Their main concern was for my well-being and safety. They were not quick to be on Rett's side as I, but they had not been privy to all his correspondence as I had been. They were listening to my interpretation of his words, and as honest as I was trying to be, I am sure I put a positive spin on things. But, bottom line was - if I was happy, they were happy for me. True female friends!
I was feeling so confident, that I decided it was time to share something with Rett. In December of 1981 my heart and my spirit were pulverized. I had to go home for Christmas and it was something that I was loathing. It was one thing to put on a brave front and face strangers, it would be a whole different story facing my family. How was I going to survive Christmas? It is a time so filled with images of birth, children and love - how could I get through that with the gaping hole in my soul? I decided I needed something to hold onto, something that only I would know about, so that when those overwhelming feelings would engulf me I could go to a happier place.
I bought myself a tiny heart pendant. It represented the tiny heart that I had lost. It was there to remind me what I had lost. It was something that I could reach up and hold onto when I felt my world was crumbling around me, and somehow it got me through that first Christmas. It brought me solace in a time when nothing else could. And I have never been without it.
I decided to share that special secret with Rett. After all, we had shared something very special, something traumatic and tragic - that's what it was. I thought that he now understood what he had done, and what we had lost. We had created a life together, and I will never forget that fact - no matter what.
I bought him a chain and a pendant exactly the same as the one I have and I sent it to him in the middle of May. I was sure it was the right thing to do. But as with everything in my stupid life, I worry. Well, I sent it by Purolator which meant I could track it...every step of the way. So, I knew when he received it and I expected a note of some sort...something. But no, not Rett.
I waited and waited but nothing for days. I sent e-mails apologizing for stepping over some sort of invisible boundary and still nothing. Okay, I have done it this time. I have pushed him over the edge somehow. But what did I do wrong? I shared something so personal, so special, and so honest. Yep, that was an error.
So now I knew I was on the way out. I had always felt that I was teetering on the edge of something. Never really in, never really out...just on the outskirts of something. I hate indifference! Love me, or hate me, but for god's sake don't ignore me, don't be indifferent. There really is nothing more hurtful than that to me.
It was time to rush. Hurry up and get that part you haven't shared with him done or he will never know. So, while I was going through all the emotions of being rejected by him for not acknowledging my special gift, I finished writing Part 1 of the part of our story Rett hadn't heard yet. It was imperative that I get that out of my soul and share it with him. I absolutely could not walk on this earth any more being the only one responsible for this. He needed to help me carry this burden now, because I could no longer do it alone.
For so many years this had been my little dark secret, something I didn't share with anyone. But why didn't I share it with people? What did I have to be ashamed of? Why was I afraid? I have good friends...really good friends. They are supportive, intelligent, compassionate, non-judgmental women, and I am proud I am part of their lives and blessed that they are in mine.
They come from all walks of life, differing age-groups, religions and cultural backgrounds. So, I started sharing my life story with them. I was tentative and cautious at first but they were all wonderful. Their main concern was for my well-being and safety. They were not quick to be on Rett's side as I, but they had not been privy to all his correspondence as I had been. They were listening to my interpretation of his words, and as honest as I was trying to be, I am sure I put a positive spin on things. But, bottom line was - if I was happy, they were happy for me. True female friends!
I was feeling so confident, that I decided it was time to share something with Rett. In December of 1981 my heart and my spirit were pulverized. I had to go home for Christmas and it was something that I was loathing. It was one thing to put on a brave front and face strangers, it would be a whole different story facing my family. How was I going to survive Christmas? It is a time so filled with images of birth, children and love - how could I get through that with the gaping hole in my soul? I decided I needed something to hold onto, something that only I would know about, so that when those overwhelming feelings would engulf me I could go to a happier place.
I bought myself a tiny heart pendant. It represented the tiny heart that I had lost. It was there to remind me what I had lost. It was something that I could reach up and hold onto when I felt my world was crumbling around me, and somehow it got me through that first Christmas. It brought me solace in a time when nothing else could. And I have never been without it.
I decided to share that special secret with Rett. After all, we had shared something very special, something traumatic and tragic - that's what it was. I thought that he now understood what he had done, and what we had lost. We had created a life together, and I will never forget that fact - no matter what.
I bought him a chain and a pendant exactly the same as the one I have and I sent it to him in the middle of May. I was sure it was the right thing to do. But as with everything in my stupid life, I worry. Well, I sent it by Purolator which meant I could track it...every step of the way. So, I knew when he received it and I expected a note of some sort...something. But no, not Rett.
I waited and waited but nothing for days. I sent e-mails apologizing for stepping over some sort of invisible boundary and still nothing. Okay, I have done it this time. I have pushed him over the edge somehow. But what did I do wrong? I shared something so personal, so special, and so honest. Yep, that was an error.
So now I knew I was on the way out. I had always felt that I was teetering on the edge of something. Never really in, never really out...just on the outskirts of something. I hate indifference! Love me, or hate me, but for god's sake don't ignore me, don't be indifferent. There really is nothing more hurtful than that to me.
It was time to rush. Hurry up and get that part you haven't shared with him done or he will never know. So, while I was going through all the emotions of being rejected by him for not acknowledging my special gift, I finished writing Part 1 of the part of our story Rett hadn't heard yet. It was imperative that I get that out of my soul and share it with him. I absolutely could not walk on this earth any more being the only one responsible for this. He needed to help me carry this burden now, because I could no longer do it alone.
Chapter 15 - Make a memory
Things seemed to lighten up a bit after the e-mail of April 15th. I felt more at ease with Rett, and he felt more relaxed with me. I explained to him that we needed to take our time reviewing these things, after all it had taken us 25 years to get to this point, and we needed to take time to breathe. We even managed to laugh from time to time, and it was a relief, finally.
I had been mulling over whether I should share with Rett the part of the story he did not know. Since Rett had run away (figuratively) after I told him I was pregnant, he had no idea what had happened beyond that point. I wasn't sure whether I was ready to share it, whether he was ready to hear it, or if he cared to know about it. But at the beginning of May I received an e-mail that made me finally take a breath and relax. Rett told me that he wasn't going anywhere. I had been so deathly afraid that he was going to run away again if I said something too harsh, or too real. My track record with him had told me that if this guy were presented with the "fight or flight" options...he would choose flight every time. But not this time! I had my confirmation sign. He had said those four words I had longed to hear - I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE - Wow!
Okay, it is safe now. I felt a little like Charlie Brown and Lucy from the Peanuts comic strip. Lucy would say "It's okay Charlie Brown, you can kick the ball...I'm not going anywhere." Then we would hear the famous "Thud!" And we all knew how that scene played out.
Well, I decided to trust Rett. I started writing about the part he didn't know. This was the portion that conjured up the demons from within me. Not just the boogie man under the bed kind of demon - this was the kind that made you never sleep again. I knew this. But I also knew that Rett needed to know. He had the right to know. It distressed me greatly because I thought that I would be hurting him if I told him this part. Up until now, Rett had no idea of the details of my abortion. Or anything that had happened to me since that point.
It is so much easier to deal with things if you don't know the details. For instance, you could say "I had a car accident." No harm there, right? But if you said "I hit another car head-on and the passenger in the other car was killed." Now you have only a few details, but the sense of the incident has totally changed.
Looking back on this, I always knew that Rett was only going to be in my life for a short time. I needed to tell him about the part he didn't know because that little voice in the back of my head kept whispering "He's going to run, so if you have something to tell him, do it quickly." It wasn't "he might run", it was "he's going to run." I kept thinking it was my insecurities speaking but now I have a feeling it was just the truth that I always knew.
Rett had said in an e-mail that he could think of ways he could have handled this better and I asked him what he would have done. I was curious to see what he would do. I had left him run and hide. I never called him again or bothered him because it just would hurt too much. I did buy him a birthday card a few years after, just one of those "Thinking of you", but I never sent it. Instead I ripped it into two pieces but I kept the card in with other mementos from my youth. I still have it.
Here is what Rett said he would have done...
"How would I have handled this better? Well, I'm not sure as to the timing, I would hope that Morgantaler was around then, because that would have provided a good solution. I know there was a clinic in Montreal at some point, so I would have supported you throughout this, held your hand through the trip to Montreal, made sure that you were treated with the kindness and respect that you deserved, and been there to help you though the aftermath. I had a choice as to what to do, whereas you did not. I should not have left you alone to deal with it. I have no excuse beyond cowardice. I am so sorry - really, really sorry."
This was all I needed. I had never told him what I wanted from him. I never asked for anything at all. When I read this simple paragraph I started to cry. It was so simple. Such a small amount of effort could have changed my life and there it was in black and white, but it was too late to repair the damage that had been done. That made me cry even more. Kindness and respect was all it would have taken, that is all it would take now to help ease the memories, the scars.
During this period in our correspondence another song spoke to me. It was happening a lot these days, because as I said earlier, I was listening to music again, something I hadn't done in a long time. There was a song out by Jon Bon Jovi called "Make a Memory" and again the words, oh the words...
Bon Jovi
(You Want To) Make a Memory Lyrics
Hello again, it's you and me
Kinda always like it used to be
Sippin' wine, killing time
Trying to solve life's mysteries
How's your life, it's been a while
God it's good to see you smile
I see you reaching for your keys
Looking for a reason not to leave
If you don't know if you should stay
If you don't say what's on your mind
Baby just breathe
There's nowhere else tonight we should be
You wanna make a memory?
I dug up this old photograph
Look at all that hair we had.
It's bittersweet to hear you laugh
Your phone is ringing I don't wanna ask
If you go now, I'll understand
If you stay, hey, I've got a plan
We're gonna make a memory
You wanna steal a piece of time
You can sing the melody to me
And I can write a couple of lines
You wanna make a memory?
If you don't know if you should stay
And you don't say what's on your mind
Baby just breathe
There's nowhere else tonight we should be
We Should be
You wanna make a memory
You wanna steal a piece of time
You can sing the melody to me
And I can write a couple of lines
You wanna make a memory?
This song was very similar to Rett's thinking about a do-over. I suggested to Rett that it might be easier for us to make a new memory, rather than trying to erase what had happened. Perhaps this time we could make a different memory with a good ending?
A friend recently sent me a quote from a book by Diana Gabaldon called "A Breath of Snow and Ashes" that just seems to fit perfectly.
"Time is a lot of the things people say that God is. There's the always preexisting, and having no end. There's the notion of being all powerful--because nothing can stand against time, can it? Not mountains, not armies.
And time is, of course, all-healing. Give anything enough time, and everything is taken care of: all pain encompassed, all hardship erased, all loss subsumed.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Remember, man, that thou art dust; and unto dust thou shalt return.
And if Time is anything akin to God, I suppose that Memory must be the Devil."
Truer words have never been spoken.
I had been mulling over whether I should share with Rett the part of the story he did not know. Since Rett had run away (figuratively) after I told him I was pregnant, he had no idea what had happened beyond that point. I wasn't sure whether I was ready to share it, whether he was ready to hear it, or if he cared to know about it. But at the beginning of May I received an e-mail that made me finally take a breath and relax. Rett told me that he wasn't going anywhere. I had been so deathly afraid that he was going to run away again if I said something too harsh, or too real. My track record with him had told me that if this guy were presented with the "fight or flight" options...he would choose flight every time. But not this time! I had my confirmation sign. He had said those four words I had longed to hear - I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE - Wow!
Okay, it is safe now. I felt a little like Charlie Brown and Lucy from the Peanuts comic strip. Lucy would say "It's okay Charlie Brown, you can kick the ball...I'm not going anywhere." Then we would hear the famous "Thud!" And we all knew how that scene played out.
Well, I decided to trust Rett. I started writing about the part he didn't know. This was the portion that conjured up the demons from within me. Not just the boogie man under the bed kind of demon - this was the kind that made you never sleep again. I knew this. But I also knew that Rett needed to know. He had the right to know. It distressed me greatly because I thought that I would be hurting him if I told him this part. Up until now, Rett had no idea of the details of my abortion. Or anything that had happened to me since that point.
It is so much easier to deal with things if you don't know the details. For instance, you could say "I had a car accident." No harm there, right? But if you said "I hit another car head-on and the passenger in the other car was killed." Now you have only a few details, but the sense of the incident has totally changed.
Looking back on this, I always knew that Rett was only going to be in my life for a short time. I needed to tell him about the part he didn't know because that little voice in the back of my head kept whispering "He's going to run, so if you have something to tell him, do it quickly." It wasn't "he might run", it was "he's going to run." I kept thinking it was my insecurities speaking but now I have a feeling it was just the truth that I always knew.
Rett had said in an e-mail that he could think of ways he could have handled this better and I asked him what he would have done. I was curious to see what he would do. I had left him run and hide. I never called him again or bothered him because it just would hurt too much. I did buy him a birthday card a few years after, just one of those "Thinking of you", but I never sent it. Instead I ripped it into two pieces but I kept the card in with other mementos from my youth. I still have it.
Here is what Rett said he would have done...
"How would I have handled this better? Well, I'm not sure as to the timing, I would hope that Morgantaler was around then, because that would have provided a good solution. I know there was a clinic in Montreal at some point, so I would have supported you throughout this, held your hand through the trip to Montreal, made sure that you were treated with the kindness and respect that you deserved, and been there to help you though the aftermath. I had a choice as to what to do, whereas you did not. I should not have left you alone to deal with it. I have no excuse beyond cowardice. I am so sorry - really, really sorry."
This was all I needed. I had never told him what I wanted from him. I never asked for anything at all. When I read this simple paragraph I started to cry. It was so simple. Such a small amount of effort could have changed my life and there it was in black and white, but it was too late to repair the damage that had been done. That made me cry even more. Kindness and respect was all it would have taken, that is all it would take now to help ease the memories, the scars.
During this period in our correspondence another song spoke to me. It was happening a lot these days, because as I said earlier, I was listening to music again, something I hadn't done in a long time. There was a song out by Jon Bon Jovi called "Make a Memory" and again the words, oh the words...
Bon Jovi
(You Want To) Make a Memory Lyrics
Hello again, it's you and me
Kinda always like it used to be
Sippin' wine, killing time
Trying to solve life's mysteries
How's your life, it's been a while
God it's good to see you smile
I see you reaching for your keys
Looking for a reason not to leave
If you don't know if you should stay
If you don't say what's on your mind
Baby just breathe
There's nowhere else tonight we should be
You wanna make a memory?
I dug up this old photograph
Look at all that hair we had.
It's bittersweet to hear you laugh
Your phone is ringing I don't wanna ask
If you go now, I'll understand
If you stay, hey, I've got a plan
We're gonna make a memory
You wanna steal a piece of time
You can sing the melody to me
And I can write a couple of lines
You wanna make a memory?
If you don't know if you should stay
And you don't say what's on your mind
Baby just breathe
There's nowhere else tonight we should be
We Should be
You wanna make a memory
You wanna steal a piece of time
You can sing the melody to me
And I can write a couple of lines
You wanna make a memory?
This song was very similar to Rett's thinking about a do-over. I suggested to Rett that it might be easier for us to make a new memory, rather than trying to erase what had happened. Perhaps this time we could make a different memory with a good ending?
A friend recently sent me a quote from a book by Diana Gabaldon called "A Breath of Snow and Ashes" that just seems to fit perfectly.
"Time is a lot of the things people say that God is. There's the always preexisting, and having no end. There's the notion of being all powerful--because nothing can stand against time, can it? Not mountains, not armies.
And time is, of course, all-healing. Give anything enough time, and everything is taken care of: all pain encompassed, all hardship erased, all loss subsumed.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Remember, man, that thou art dust; and unto dust thou shalt return.
And if Time is anything akin to God, I suppose that Memory must be the Devil."
Truer words have never been spoken.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Chapter 14 - A much better man...
I have put this off long enough. Back to the reason I am writing, back to the journey.
It took about six weeks of writing before I felt in my heart that Rett was sincere in his apology, that he felt some of the pain that I had endured. But there was something still stopping me from opening up to him. I kept asking him questions, but he never once asked me anything. I noticed, and I wondered why.
One Friday, I designed a mini-questionnaire of my own, simply 5 questions that had been on my mind. I rarely ask questions that I don't already know the answers to, or know what direction they will take. One of the 5 questions I asked was "How many people have you told 'our' story to?". I had a sneaking suspicion that he hadn't shared it with many people.
He replied that he had told 4 people, his therapist, one male friend who wasn't currently in his life, and two female friends who he referred to as his FOC (Family of Choice). He had not told either of his ex-wives about this.
Personally, I can't imagine not sharing this with someone I love. How can you not open up to someone you love? Why would you not share this? It spoke volumes as to how he viewed love and those he loved, and his integrity or his level of honesty. I can see this now, but at the time my vision was not as clear as it is now.
Rett had told me early on that his encounter with me had changed his life. It made him "a much better man than I used to be". This was a line that he repeated often throughout the months we corresponded and spoke. He also told me that I deserved honesty now, and that he was going to be honest even if it would be painful. More prophetic words.
Someone who is a good person does not have to tell you, they just are. There were hints along the way that he wasn't a good person, but I just couldn't let myself believe that. I wanted him to be a better person...I needed him to be a better person. And yes, I needed him to be honest, probably more than anything else I needed that.
But honesty doesn't come easily for Rett. As I said earlier, he is a recovering drug addict, and they are liars, expert liars. He didn't tell me about his drug addiction at first, but he eluded to it several times and I knew it was either an alcohol addiction or a drug addiction due to the words he used...like 'amends'. It is a common word used in any twelve-step program.
Just to be clear, here are the 12 steps for narcotics anonymous:
The Twelve Steps
These are the original Twelve Steps as suggested by by Alcoholics Anonymous.[8]
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His Will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
He wrote to me that 3 years ago he had wanted to find me to make 'amends' for what he had done. (It is difficult to track someone down if you don't remember their name.) He wrote, "If I could have found you about three years ago, I would have started this myself (or that's what I told myself back then - honest). Who knows, perhaps I did find you - sort of a Celestial 411 kinda thing. I have a couple of angels that run tasks for me - perhaps they took this one on themselves."
That sentence touched me so much it made me weep when I read it. When I replied I was honest and I told him it made me cry because I had always thought about our child as being my angel and that perhaps this time, it had been working for the both of us. And truly it felt as if that was what had happened. Something was working to help us heal from all of this pain.
Also in that e-mail I felt as if the layers of the onion had been peeled back and I could hear him bearing his soul. He admitted to lying to me and taking advantage of me and he said he was sorry. And I believed that he meant it.
Here is what he said:
"I trapped myself into that lie, continued to bury myself deeper, and did not know how - or have the guts - to come clean. I'm sorry. It may not be worth much, but I'm a much better person today, and have worked hard to put the karmic balance back into my life."
There was the second reference to being a better person. Ah, "methinks thou doth protest too much..."
It took about six weeks of writing before I felt in my heart that Rett was sincere in his apology, that he felt some of the pain that I had endured. But there was something still stopping me from opening up to him. I kept asking him questions, but he never once asked me anything. I noticed, and I wondered why.
One Friday, I designed a mini-questionnaire of my own, simply 5 questions that had been on my mind. I rarely ask questions that I don't already know the answers to, or know what direction they will take. One of the 5 questions I asked was "How many people have you told 'our' story to?". I had a sneaking suspicion that he hadn't shared it with many people.
He replied that he had told 4 people, his therapist, one male friend who wasn't currently in his life, and two female friends who he referred to as his FOC (Family of Choice). He had not told either of his ex-wives about this.
Personally, I can't imagine not sharing this with someone I love. How can you not open up to someone you love? Why would you not share this? It spoke volumes as to how he viewed love and those he loved, and his integrity or his level of honesty. I can see this now, but at the time my vision was not as clear as it is now.
Rett had told me early on that his encounter with me had changed his life. It made him "a much better man than I used to be". This was a line that he repeated often throughout the months we corresponded and spoke. He also told me that I deserved honesty now, and that he was going to be honest even if it would be painful. More prophetic words.
Someone who is a good person does not have to tell you, they just are. There were hints along the way that he wasn't a good person, but I just couldn't let myself believe that. I wanted him to be a better person...I needed him to be a better person. And yes, I needed him to be honest, probably more than anything else I needed that.
But honesty doesn't come easily for Rett. As I said earlier, he is a recovering drug addict, and they are liars, expert liars. He didn't tell me about his drug addiction at first, but he eluded to it several times and I knew it was either an alcohol addiction or a drug addiction due to the words he used...like 'amends'. It is a common word used in any twelve-step program.
Just to be clear, here are the 12 steps for narcotics anonymous:
The Twelve Steps
These are the original Twelve Steps as suggested by by Alcoholics Anonymous.[8]
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His Will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
He wrote to me that 3 years ago he had wanted to find me to make 'amends' for what he had done. (It is difficult to track someone down if you don't remember their name.) He wrote, "If I could have found you about three years ago, I would have started this myself (or that's what I told myself back then - honest). Who knows, perhaps I did find you - sort of a Celestial 411 kinda thing. I have a couple of angels that run tasks for me - perhaps they took this one on themselves."
That sentence touched me so much it made me weep when I read it. When I replied I was honest and I told him it made me cry because I had always thought about our child as being my angel and that perhaps this time, it had been working for the both of us. And truly it felt as if that was what had happened. Something was working to help us heal from all of this pain.
Also in that e-mail I felt as if the layers of the onion had been peeled back and I could hear him bearing his soul. He admitted to lying to me and taking advantage of me and he said he was sorry. And I believed that he meant it.
Here is what he said:
"I trapped myself into that lie, continued to bury myself deeper, and did not know how - or have the guts - to come clean. I'm sorry. It may not be worth much, but I'm a much better person today, and have worked hard to put the karmic balance back into my life."
There was the second reference to being a better person. Ah, "methinks thou doth protest too much..."
Chapter 13 - Eva Cassidy
It was from one of those silly questionnaires that Rett introduced me to Eva Cassidy. She is a singer who has become better known since her death (1996), at the tender age of 36, than she ever was during her lifetime. It was another of those coincidences that had a recurring theme. I knew her voice but I never knew her name. I had heard her voice at my uncle's funeral when his family played her famous version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow". It is now a more famous version than Judy Garland's.
Rett said that once you have heard her voice you will know there is a God. And he was right - she sings like an angel. I have had to think of things that I am thankful for during this journey, and if nothing else, I am glad he introduced or re-introduced me to Eva Cassidy. I can't imagine my life without her now.
I also don't understand how a man who obviously can be so cruel could enjoy the music of Eva Cassidy - it is a bewildering.
There is one song in particular from her CD that I play too often, the title song of the CD - Songbird. It is a short song, but it is very melodic, almost like a lullaby. On those nights during the early days of my time with Rett, when I was having trouble sleeping, I would play that song, over and over until it lulled me to sleep. The words now, are more prophetic than I knew then...
Written by christine mcvie
For you there'll be no crying
For you the sun will be shining
˜Cause I feel that when I'm with you
It's alright, I know it's right
And the songbirds keep singing
Like they know the score
And I love you, I love you, I love you
Like never before
To you, I would give the world
To you, I'd never be cold
˜Cause I feel that when I'm with you
It's alright, I know it's right
And the songbirds keep singing
Like they know the score
And I love you, I love you, I love you
Like never before
Like never before; like never before
I particularly like the line "Cause I feel that when I'm with you...It's alright, I know it's right". That is the line that keeps ringing in my head. Because when I was 'with' him, I did feel alright. I felt as if we were working to fix something...wrong.
The other line that I am drawn to is "To you, I'd never be cold". It always stood out in the song like it was calling to me. For all the hurt that Rett has caused me, I have never been nasty or cold. I'm not sure if I have the capability of being cold. I can be angry but cold isn't the same. Anger, to me, shows that you are still involved, or invested. Cold on the other hand, shows indifference. I have been many things in my life, but indifferent isn't one of them.
Rett said that once you have heard her voice you will know there is a God. And he was right - she sings like an angel. I have had to think of things that I am thankful for during this journey, and if nothing else, I am glad he introduced or re-introduced me to Eva Cassidy. I can't imagine my life without her now.
I also don't understand how a man who obviously can be so cruel could enjoy the music of Eva Cassidy - it is a bewildering.
There is one song in particular from her CD that I play too often, the title song of the CD - Songbird. It is a short song, but it is very melodic, almost like a lullaby. On those nights during the early days of my time with Rett, when I was having trouble sleeping, I would play that song, over and over until it lulled me to sleep. The words now, are more prophetic than I knew then...
Written by christine mcvie
For you there'll be no crying
For you the sun will be shining
˜Cause I feel that when I'm with you
It's alright, I know it's right
And the songbirds keep singing
Like they know the score
And I love you, I love you, I love you
Like never before
To you, I would give the world
To you, I'd never be cold
˜Cause I feel that when I'm with you
It's alright, I know it's right
And the songbirds keep singing
Like they know the score
And I love you, I love you, I love you
Like never before
Like never before; like never before
I particularly like the line "Cause I feel that when I'm with you...It's alright, I know it's right". That is the line that keeps ringing in my head. Because when I was 'with' him, I did feel alright. I felt as if we were working to fix something...wrong.
The other line that I am drawn to is "To you, I'd never be cold". It always stood out in the song like it was calling to me. For all the hurt that Rett has caused me, I have never been nasty or cold. I'm not sure if I have the capability of being cold. I can be angry but cold isn't the same. Anger, to me, shows that you are still involved, or invested. Cold on the other hand, shows indifference. I have been many things in my life, but indifferent isn't one of them.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Chapter 12 - Getting to Know a 'Friend'
You see how I am procrastinating writing the next part? It was the same with Rett. We discussed some of the difficult issues the first month or two, and then I needed a break. I was having trouble sleeping and my mind wouldn't stop, so I decided he and I needed a diversion.
I had received one of those "Getting to know your friends" silly questionnaires, you know the ones that ask you stupid questions, like "if you were a crayon, what colour would you be?". I wanted to get to know the current Rett as opposed to the old one. Get some insight into who he was, without asking questions. And I thought it would be a stress reliever for both of us. We had been reviewing some pretty heady issues and we needed a break.
When I sent the first one, I wasn't sure whether he would play along, but I told him if there was a question that he thought was too personal or he didn't want to answer, simply delete it.
At the beginning of our correspondence, in my head, there were some details I just didn't want to know. To me, this was all about 26 years ago and really wasn't about today. I didn't want to know where he worked, his marital situation and I DID NOT want to know if he had children. It was just not a place I was ready to go. It was a dangerous zone for me - if he said he had children, would I feel jealous, if he said he didn't have children, would I feel guilty? I know, I know...but it was what I was thinking, I didn't say it made sense!
Well, Rett completed the questionnaire, all questions. He didn't just put in one word answers, he thought about what he replied. The second question was "What colour is your underwear?" Seemed like a simple, stupid question, no harm can come from this, right? I never thought about it, but he did.
In one of the early e-mails I shared with him what all I remembered about him. I shared it because I was hurting over the fact that he didn't remember my name. I told him I remembered everything, even down to his black underwear. Apparently, that stuck in his mind because his response to that simple question was "You put this (question) in. Right now? None. Plllllllt"
I can't explain it, but for whatever reason, that stupid question and that stupid answer did something to me. It stirred something inside me...it touched me. Silly, but for that moment I wasn't the hurt woman, I was ...just a woman.
In my mind I have always separated Rett into two people. There was the man that I chose to be my first lover, the kind, gentle, funny, caring Rett...then there was the dark-hearted Rett who hurt me so badly when he left me alone. It was a coping mechanism to survive and live. That simple comment came from the side I had liked. I missed him.
I had received one of those "Getting to know your friends" silly questionnaires, you know the ones that ask you stupid questions, like "if you were a crayon, what colour would you be?". I wanted to get to know the current Rett as opposed to the old one. Get some insight into who he was, without asking questions. And I thought it would be a stress reliever for both of us. We had been reviewing some pretty heady issues and we needed a break.
When I sent the first one, I wasn't sure whether he would play along, but I told him if there was a question that he thought was too personal or he didn't want to answer, simply delete it.
At the beginning of our correspondence, in my head, there were some details I just didn't want to know. To me, this was all about 26 years ago and really wasn't about today. I didn't want to know where he worked, his marital situation and I DID NOT want to know if he had children. It was just not a place I was ready to go. It was a dangerous zone for me - if he said he had children, would I feel jealous, if he said he didn't have children, would I feel guilty? I know, I know...but it was what I was thinking, I didn't say it made sense!
Well, Rett completed the questionnaire, all questions. He didn't just put in one word answers, he thought about what he replied. The second question was "What colour is your underwear?" Seemed like a simple, stupid question, no harm can come from this, right? I never thought about it, but he did.
In one of the early e-mails I shared with him what all I remembered about him. I shared it because I was hurting over the fact that he didn't remember my name. I told him I remembered everything, even down to his black underwear. Apparently, that stuck in his mind because his response to that simple question was "You put this (question) in. Right now? None. Plllllllt"
I can't explain it, but for whatever reason, that stupid question and that stupid answer did something to me. It stirred something inside me...it touched me. Silly, but for that moment I wasn't the hurt woman, I was ...just a woman.
In my mind I have always separated Rett into two people. There was the man that I chose to be my first lover, the kind, gentle, funny, caring Rett...then there was the dark-hearted Rett who hurt me so badly when he left me alone. It was a coping mechanism to survive and live. That simple comment came from the side I had liked. I missed him.
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