Chapter 10 - Sincerity

I was now into the thick of it all. I found myself waiting, always waiting for Rett's answers. In the next e-mail that I received from him, he was to answer my questions that came from my deep hurt.

When I would write to him I would tell him how scared I was to open up to him, let out the hurt, and then have him disappear. I told him that I had some pretty severe abandonment issues. I hadn't realized how bad they were until I started on this journey. One of the many lessons I have learned.

When Rett left me alone to deal with all of this, I shut down or shut off from the reality of what I had done. I had to find a way to cope and the only thing I knew to do, was turn myself off. Pretend it didn't happen. This wasn't a big stretch since I had to keep it a secret from most of the people I knew. It was/is not something you want to share with people, especially in the 80's. To me, it was something very personal and hurtful, so I just stopped talking about it. That was how I coped.

When I started talking about it with Rett it was really the first time I had discussed it with anyone. I realized that it was something I never resolved. I had made the decision so quickly that I really hadn't thought about how it would affect me in the long run. I'm not sure I could think that far ahead, or that I wanted to think that far ahead. But now, here I was thinking about it all. It consumed me.

And it didn't consume Rett. He was taking longer and longer to reply, sometimes taking as much as three weeks to respond. But each time he responded I could feel a little more sincerity in his tone. It wasn't until mid-April that I felt he truly was sorry for what he had done. And it was only at this point that I told him my name. I was still afraid that he would take advantage of me. Some scars take longer to heal.

I wish I knew what Rett thought about the abortion. He never really did share with me how he thought about it or if he did.

Sincerity - wow that's an important quality for me, along with honesty. I consider myself a sleuth when it comes to these two human characteristics, because they mean so much to me. I have had a really tough time with the men in my life and honesty. I want to be loved so badly that I often don't listen to that little voice in the back of my head - but it is a much better judge of character than I.

But how do you really judge someone through their writing? How can you really tell whether there was sincerity or if they were just really good at saying what you wanted to hear? You can sometimes read between the lines, see the unwritten but you have to be removed from the situation. I wasn't removed at all. I was so INTO it.

I would give him the benefit of the doubt over and over again, because I NEEDED him. I needed him to answer my questions. I needed him to make me feel better. I needed him to take away my feelings of guilt. I needed him to be there for me. I was way too needy. I am a wounded woman, who has been working through life with a huge, open, festering sore. I needed someone to heal me, and I thought it was Rett.

I was wrong again.

He is a man who is incapable of giving. He is a recovering drug addict and a liar, which really go hand in hand. He wasn't a drug addict when I first knew him, or I don't think he was, but he is now. He has been in therapy for years and revels in the art of psychoanalysis. He uses it like a tool to unwind you or wind you. He is a master manipulator and can smell weakness or vulnerability. And here I was trying to make him care. What the hell was I thinking?

He has been married and divorced twice, but of course it was all their fault. He has an ego the size of Texas and is one of those guys who hate admitting they are wrong.

I have never thought of myself as a woman who would have a one night stand nor have I ever thought about being one...but I was. It bothered me so much that I actually asked Rett. I phrased it as "If we (I hate saying I because it makes it sound as if I did this by myself) hadn't gotten pregnant, would you have gone out with me again?" I thought it was a direct and clear question and could perhaps dispel all the years of wondering and hurting.

Rett's reply was an e-mail, and he said "It wasn't a one night stand, it was a few." This didn't clarify anything other than the fact that Rett didn't understand the meaning of a one night stand. For a man who considers himself of a higher than normal intelligence, he could be dense from time to time.

I did get an opportunity to ask this question again when I was speaking to him on the phone during one of our marathon conversations. I explained to him that a one night stand was when either the man or the woman in a relationship had sex with the intent of never seeing the person again. Rett's reply to this was "but we had sex on more than one occasion." I was so surprised by this that I almost lost the receiver of the phone from my hand! "No my dear, we only had sex once." And again he argued with me. "Rett, there may be a thousand things I have been wrong about in life, but trust me...we only had sex once!" I said.

In his mind, in order to make the sequence of events easier to live with, he had invented a whole second night and it was on that occasion that I got pregnant. It was too harsh for him to think about me losing my virginity and getting pregnant, so his mind got creative. Odd wouldn't you say? Ah, the mind is a powerful tool if used for good and not evil.

I wish my poor tired, used brain could be so creative, but oh no...I am stuck with every minute detail. Every truth is filed, categorized and date-stamped. It's not that there hasn't been anything else to fill the recesses of my brain...I have other memories, but nothing has come along to over-ride this one. Nothing ever will. He has had such an "action packed" life that these details have been lost, just like an old pair of socks.

Another one of his creative memories is about the night we met at the wedding. He thought that I was the one who had asked him to go to the Disco bar after the wedding. Again I corrected him and he argued. I had to be blunt again, and tell him that I had witnesses and we had spoken, after all Cathy and I are still the closest of friends. But it all speaks volumes as to how he has processed the events of our time together. There was no blame...after all...I had come up to him and asked him to come with us. I was the one. He hadn't chosen me...I had chosen him. Therefore it was ALL my fault. Oh, to have the capacity to twist history.

This capacity or superpower of his, should have been a hint for me, but again...I was on a mission and I wasn't listening to hints.