Chapter 15 - Make a memory

Things seemed to lighten up a bit after the e-mail of April 15th. I felt more at ease with Rett, and he felt more relaxed with me. I explained to him that we needed to take our time reviewing these things, after all it had taken us 25 years to get to this point, and we needed to take time to breathe. We even managed to laugh from time to time, and it was a relief, finally.

I had been mulling over whether I should share with Rett the part of the story he did not know. Since Rett had run away (figuratively) after I told him I was pregnant, he had no idea what had happened beyond that point. I wasn't sure whether I was ready to share it, whether he was ready to hear it, or if he cared to know about it. But at the beginning of May I received an e-mail that made me finally take a breath and relax. Rett told me that he wasn't going anywhere. I had been so deathly afraid that he was going to run away again if I said something too harsh, or too real. My track record with him had told me that if this guy were presented with the "fight or flight" options...he would choose flight every time. But not this time! I had my confirmation sign. He had said those four words I had longed to hear - I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE - Wow!

Okay, it is safe now. I felt a little like Charlie Brown and Lucy from the Peanuts comic strip. Lucy would say "It's okay Charlie Brown, you can kick the ball...I'm not going anywhere." Then we would hear the famous "Thud!" And we all knew how that scene played out.

Well, I decided to trust Rett. I started writing about the part he didn't know. This was the portion that conjured up the demons from within me. Not just the boogie man under the bed kind of demon - this was the kind that made you never sleep again. I knew this. But I also knew that Rett needed to know. He had the right to know. It distressed me greatly because I thought that I would be hurting him if I told him this part. Up until now, Rett had no idea of the details of my abortion. Or anything that had happened to me since that point.

It is so much easier to deal with things if you don't know the details. For instance, you could say "I had a car accident." No harm there, right? But if you said "I hit another car head-on and the passenger in the other car was killed." Now you have only a few details, but the sense of the incident has totally changed.

Looking back on this, I always knew that Rett was only going to be in my life for a short time. I needed to tell him about the part he didn't know because that little voice in the back of my head kept whispering "He's going to run, so if you have something to tell him, do it quickly." It wasn't "he might run", it was "he's going to run." I kept thinking it was my insecurities speaking but now I have a feeling it was just the truth that I always knew.

Rett had said in an e-mail that he could think of ways he could have handled this better and I asked him what he would have done. I was curious to see what he would do. I had left him run and hide. I never called him again or bothered him because it just would hurt too much. I did buy him a birthday card a few years after, just one of those "Thinking of you", but I never sent it. Instead I ripped it into two pieces but I kept the card in with other mementos from my youth. I still have it.

Here is what Rett said he would have done...

"How would I have handled this better? Well, I'm not sure as to the timing, I would hope that Morgantaler was around then, because that would have provided a good solution. I know there was a clinic in Montreal at some point, so I would have supported you throughout this, held your hand through the trip to Montreal, made sure that you were treated with the kindness and respect that you deserved, and been there to help you though the aftermath. I had a choice as to what to do, whereas you did not. I should not have left you alone to deal with it. I have no excuse beyond cowardice. I am so sorry - really, really sorry."

This was all I needed. I had never told him what I wanted from him. I never asked for anything at all. When I read this simple paragraph I started to cry. It was so simple. Such a small amount of effort could have changed my life and there it was in black and white, but it was too late to repair the damage that had been done. That made me cry even more. Kindness and respect was all it would have taken, that is all it would take now to help ease the memories, the scars.

During this period in our correspondence another song spoke to me. It was happening a lot these days, because as I said earlier, I was listening to music again, something I hadn't done in a long time. There was a song out by Jon Bon Jovi called "Make a Memory" and again the words, oh the words...

Bon Jovi
(You Want To) Make a Memory Lyrics
Hello again, it's you and me
Kinda always like it used to be
Sippin' wine, killing time
Trying to solve life's mysteries

How's your life, it's been a while
God it's good to see you smile
I see you reaching for your keys
Looking for a reason not to leave

If you don't know if you should stay
If you don't say what's on your mind
Baby just breathe
There's nowhere else tonight we should be

You wanna make a memory?

I dug up this old photograph
Look at all that hair we had.
It's bittersweet to hear you laugh
Your phone is ringing I don't wanna ask

If you go now, I'll understand
If you stay, hey, I've got a plan
We're gonna make a memory
You wanna steal a piece of time
You can sing the melody to me
And I can write a couple of lines

You wanna make a memory?

If you don't know if you should stay
And you don't say what's on your mind
Baby just breathe
There's nowhere else tonight we should be
We Should be

You wanna make a memory
You wanna steal a piece of time
You can sing the melody to me
And I can write a couple of lines
You wanna make a memory?

This song was very similar to Rett's thinking about a do-over. I suggested to Rett that it might be easier for us to make a new memory, rather than trying to erase what had happened. Perhaps this time we could make a different memory with a good ending?

A friend recently sent me a quote from a book by Diana Gabaldon called "A Breath of Snow and Ashes" that just seems to fit perfectly.

"Time is a lot of the things people say that God is. There's the always preexisting, and having no end. There's the notion of being all powerful--because nothing can stand against time, can it? Not mountains, not armies.

And time is, of course, all-healing. Give anything enough time, and everything is taken care of: all pain encompassed, all hardship erased, all loss subsumed.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Remember, man, that thou art dust; and unto dust thou shalt return.
And if Time is anything akin to God, I suppose that Memory must be the Devil."

Truer words have never been spoken.