Chapter 16 - The Tiny Heart Pendant

Things seemed to be going well, and I was feeling secure with my newfound relationship with Rett. I wasn't sure how to define it if anyone asked, but it was something, at least to me. If nothing else I was getting to know him, or at least what he was sharing with me. It felt so good, I felt so good. The shroud of guilt that I had been feeling for so many years was lifting. I could feel a difference in the way I was walking and interacting with people. I was also sharing my story with some of my friends.

For so many years this had been my little dark secret, something I didn't share with anyone. But why didn't I share it with people? What did I have to be ashamed of? Why was I afraid? I have good friends...really good friends. They are supportive, intelligent, compassionate, non-judgmental women, and I am proud I am part of their lives and blessed that they are in mine.

They come from all walks of life, differing age-groups, religions and cultural backgrounds. So, I started sharing my life story with them. I was tentative and cautious at first but they were all wonderful. Their main concern was for my well-being and safety. They were not quick to be on Rett's side as I, but they had not been privy to all his correspondence as I had been. They were listening to my interpretation of his words, and as honest as I was trying to be, I am sure I put a positive spin on things. But, bottom line was - if I was happy, they were happy for me. True female friends!

I was feeling so confident, that I decided it was time to share something with Rett. In December of 1981 my heart and my spirit were pulverized. I had to go home for Christmas and it was something that I was loathing. It was one thing to put on a brave front and face strangers, it would be a whole different story facing my family. How was I going to survive Christmas? It is a time so filled with images of birth, children and love - how could I get through that with the gaping hole in my soul? I decided I needed something to hold onto, something that only I would know about, so that when those overwhelming feelings would engulf me I could go to a happier place.

I bought myself a tiny heart pendant. It represented the tiny heart that I had lost. It was there to remind me what I had lost. It was something that I could reach up and hold onto when I felt my world was crumbling around me, and somehow it got me through that first Christmas. It brought me solace in a time when nothing else could. And I have never been without it.

I decided to share that special secret with Rett. After all, we had shared something very special, something traumatic and tragic - that's what it was. I thought that he now understood what he had done, and what we had lost. We had created a life together, and I will never forget that fact - no matter what.

I bought him a chain and a pendant exactly the same as the one I have and I sent it to him in the middle of May. I was sure it was the right thing to do. But as with everything in my stupid life, I worry. Well, I sent it by Purolator which meant I could track it...every step of the way. So, I knew when he received it and I expected a note of some sort...something. But no, not Rett.

I waited and waited but nothing for days. I sent e-mails apologizing for stepping over some sort of invisible boundary and still nothing. Okay, I have done it this time. I have pushed him over the edge somehow. But what did I do wrong? I shared something so personal, so special, and so honest. Yep, that was an error.

So now I knew I was on the way out. I had always felt that I was teetering on the edge of something. Never really in, never really out...just on the outskirts of something. I hate indifference! Love me, or hate me, but for god's sake don't ignore me, don't be indifferent. There really is nothing more hurtful than that to me.

It was time to rush. Hurry up and get that part you haven't shared with him done or he will never know. So, while I was going through all the emotions of being rejected by him for not acknowledging my special gift, I finished writing Part 1 of the part of our story Rett hadn't heard yet. It was imperative that I get that out of my soul and share it with him. I absolutely could not walk on this earth any more being the only one responsible for this. He needed to help me carry this burden now, because I could no longer do it alone.