Chapter 18 - What was I thinking?

By the time I sent the details of the part Rett was missing, I was spent. I was losing hope that we would be able to salvage anything from all the work we had done. When this process started I was in control. I had sent the first e-mail and then I handed over the keys of the bus to him. From that point on, I was waiting for him to respond. I never made him wait. I never make men wait. I never make anyone wait.

I sent Rett several e-mails during this period. Each one needier than the previous one. I didn't beg, but god it came close. I tried to make him understand how important all of this was to me. I was searching for life-answers, not just friendly chatter or closeness. I was looking into the gates of Hell and I needed someone to extent their hand to help grab me away. Help me please.

When I sent him the e-mail with the details of Part 1 I tried to explain to him why I was being so needy. Below is what I shared with him.

" Yes, it's the pain in the ass, me again. I'm not sure if you are pissed at me, avoiding me, or just still busy, so I have taken the past couple of weeks to write what I have been putting off writing...the part you need to know.

I have been hesitating because I feel that by knowing this, it will hurt you, and I didn't (don't) want to knowingly hurt you...it is just not in my nature to hurt someone I care about. But on the other hand, I have this sinking feeling that you want me to go away, be out of your life and I need to tell you the whole story before that happens. I could only manage to write part of it because ...it breaks my heart to write it, to relive it, but maybe it will help you understand why talking (writing) to you is so necessary for me. I am NOT a needy person in any other aspect of my life. I am independent, self-assured, capable, and intelligent, yet when it comes to this ...I am a mess and I HATE that I need you or anyone but I just can't seem to do it alone. I am so sorry...really, really sorry.

You asked me in one of the first e-mails what you could do to help, well here it is...don't ignore me or make me wait long periods of time. I'm not asking for epic responses, just an "okay" or "no thanks" or "FUCK OFF" will do. When I was in the hospital after the abortion, I kept asking the nurses if anyone had called to ask how I was, and their response was always the same "No one has called." I still held out hope that maybe you would care enough to at least call the nurses’ station to see if I had made it through the operation. Waiting, waiting, waiting...stupid, stupid, stupid. I just can't take a hint can I?

Maybe once you read the part that you are missing you will understand why that tiny heart pendant means so very much to me. Perhaps I was premature in sending it to you, but I still feel you do understand. The only time in the last while that I have felt things were okay was when I would read your e-mails. Somehow talking to you makes me feel better. I think I need your forgiveness too."

Yes, this was a low point in my journey. I was feeling so vulnerable and riddled with sadness, shame and guilt. I was right back to where it had all begun with Rett. My sores were open and oozing.

My therapist told me that I needed comforting from Rett, because that was what I had wanted all those years ago. I wasn't sure what I wanted. I know that at this point I did care about him, but it never felt right. At one point I told my therapist that I felt like one of those women who correspond with prison inmates. I knew that Rett was a bad person, yet I still wanted to correspond with him.

What was I thinking?

I was thinking that somehow Rett could make me feel better. I thought that if somehow he and I could become friends it would take the hurt away. I thought that forgiveness could create healing. But it doesn't work like that. No one can heal you...you have to heal yourself. And forgiveness is not something you give someone...they have to earn it and it is something only a much higher being can give.