Chapter 19 - Trying to breathe...

I finally received a response from Rett the day after I sent that e-mail. It wasn't what I expected.

"I am just back after a rather large road trip, and back on the road to the factory tomorrow - probably back late Wednesday.

I guess I have been avoiding you - the heart through me for a loop. I have my opinions on this but, would rather hold them for later. You are on a roll and I do not wish to interrupt your train of thought. Pretty good rationalization for my procrastination, huh translation=eh)...?

I'm here - I'm listening - keep going when you can... I really do understand your thoughts and your feelings that you are expressing here, but...

You need to get it out, then let it go - your angels already have - and me too. If I can help I will, but girl - it is so far past time to forgive yourself, and it is definitely way beyond time to move on.

What is done, is done. Respect whoever gave you this life and spend the rest of it reveling in it. Believe it or not you are on your chosen path with the full support of the powers from above, which would mean to me that there must be some really good stuff coming to you soon. Lift up your head, and go find it...

and breathe...

Rett"

I am not sure what I expected. I think I was looking for him to say some comforting words, something to help me, and in his way he was trying to help. But it wasn't enough, it never was enough.

But at least I had my answer about the pendant. It had upset him, and as is his normal way of dealing with matters that upset him...he ran away...he withdrew.

I had opened up my heart and my soul to him. I let him see inside my private hell like I had never let anyone see me before. I shared myself with him again. What is it about him that makes me do this, not once but twice. Yes, that old saying "Fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice, shame on me!" keeps coming to mind.

Okay, I knew things were not going as I thought they should, so I had to do something to 'fix' it. I couldn't possible think about this being the end. I still needed answers from him. I still wanted to hear his 'opinions' on the pendant. I hadn't unscrambled all the pieces to the puzzle of my life yet.

Rett and I have been corresponding for three months by now. This has been occupying practically all my time. When I'm not writing to him, I am writing about him in my journal. I check my e-mail too many times a day. I go back and re-read his e-mails, then I re-read the ones I have sent. I even resorted to checking our horoscopes to see what the zodiac thinks I should be doing. I would have consulted a psychic if I knew one. My life was out of control.

And I am writing the second part that I needed to share with him. Let's just say, that as hard as it was to write the first part...this was worse. I sent it to him the beginning of June. As soon as I pressed the Send key, my stomach turned into a knot. But I had to do it. I wrote in my journal that I hated sending it because I knew (thought) it would hurt him, but then I thought...no...if he had been with me, as he should have been, then he would know this already...and maybe he could have prevented some of it from happening to me.

It was done. It wasn't all that I wanted to tell him, but it was enough for now. And again, I waited for his response, and nothing came. I knew this time that he had run. When I had heard from him lately he kept telling me how busy he was, and that he had been away from home without any access to internet. But in my heart I felt he had gone.

Now I had to think about how to get him back.