Chapter 21 - The three phases

We corresponded very little over the next month. I knew that what I had sent him had made him run away. It hurt me to think that what I had written, telling him the truth had caused our communication to stop. To me, I thought that what I had done, was so horrible that even Rett could not stand to hear about it. We had stressed at the beginning that we were going to be honest with one another, and we knew sometimes it was going to be brutal, but I needed to hear the truth and so did he. Apparently I could handle it better than he.

In my head there were three phases to this journey. The first phase was sending him the e-mail and then getting his response. The second phase would be talking to him on the phone. And the third stage would be seeing him. I wasn't sure how each of the stages would be, or how they would happen, but they would happen. The stages were important because it would allow me to trust again. I had to learn to trust. With the e-mails it would be easy to gain my trust, because words are easy and there is no way of telling a truth from a lie. They both look the same when printed. A conversation on the phone would be a little more difficult to lie, as there are truths spoken in silences and tones. I am a really good listener and I can tell things from a person's voice. The final stage of meeting would be the most important because the eyes tell all. There is no hiding behind a phrase, or faking a feeling, because the body language and the eyes are windows to the soul. But we were a long way from meeting.

This year was a big year for me. I was turning 50. I have never been age-conscious like so many woman. I feel much younger than 50, but then again, what does 50 feel like? I had started walking early in the year to get to a healthier spot in my life. Over the years I had gained weight...too much weight, but when you are unhappy you try to fill the void in your life with something. My drug of choice was food. I knew this because as soon as I started my journey with Rett I stopped trying to fill the emptiness. He helped me fill the hole in my soul.

And the changes were visible. It is strange how healing your inner self can affect your outer shell. As the months went on and the healing progressed my body was changing, not just because of the weight loss but the lightening of my spirit was showing through. I had been heavy from all the guilt, shame and hurt I was carrying inside. I had started walking differently with my head held higher, no longer was I feeling like an abused woman. I was getting answers to questions that had haunted me all my adult life and that was enlightening. I was feeling happy.

I had a plan of going to Las Vegas for my 50th birthday. It would be a present to myself. That has been the plan for a long time. I'm not sure why I chose Vegas, it just seemed distant and different. Co-incidences are never co-incidences.

Journeys are funny though, because you have to travel alone. You can't force someone to travel with you. From time to time you pick up hitchhikers along the way, then drop them off at their destinations. Some travel further than others, some just a couple of blocks. But ultimately you are alone.

When I look back on it now, I think that my journey and Rett's were heading in two different directions. My journey was and will always be, about the abortion. I suffered a great loss that can never be replaced. But I needed to find closure. I thought that Rett could help me find it, and I thought he would need it as well. But we were not on the same page, ever. It was a journey I didn't want to take alone.

During this month I did a lot of soul searching. I am not a selfish person by nature so spending time thinking about myself is difficult. I had been going through my life never really living it for me. Somewhere along the way I had lost myself, lost the ability to think of myself and what I wanted or needed. I put the wants and needs of everyone before my own, as if I didn't have the right to do anything for myself. Unconsciously I think I was punishing myself.

Evan though Rett was not as responsive as I wanted him to be, he was there and he was listening...I interpreted this as a sign of caring. I had needed him to care. And I cared for him too. I was beginning to feel something for him, something other than hate, and that was good. I was uncovering the layers of this complex man and when every once in a while I would see the inner core of him, it was worth the hard work.

There has always been something about him that I liked. And it is more something he does to me, rather than something about him, if that makes any sense. I like how I feel around him. He is a complex man with strict beliefs and opinions, and he is very bright. I enjoy a strong, intelligent man. But Rett also has a very dark side that is as cold as steel. I thought he had lost that side, but I was wrong.