Chapter 22 - The epiphany

By the time that a month had passed I had an epiphany. I have read several descriptions of what epiphanies are and mine was a true moment of clarity. I had been feeling down in the mouth, sorry for myself, and truly hurting. I was feeling abandoned by Rett - again, and I really wanted to keep him in my life. What had I done to make him run away? I missed him.

The epiphany happened at 2:14PM on July 3rd...yes I know the exact time and date. I was outside taking a break from work, and I was looking towards the sky, searching for answers and then it came to me - what the hell have I been doing? What was I whining about? Yeah, we had a bad experience, but so what? It does not define us. it does not have the power to dictate the rest of our lives, but it can make us better people if we choose to be. And I am. and so is he. In spite of, or despite of, we are here, we are alive, and we are giving, understanding and caring.

It was as if a cloud was lifted from around my head. I could think clearly and I had to get home and send an e-mail to Rett. I typed faster than I have ever typed before I just had to get this out to him. This was why he had run away, he could see no way to help me, I had to find it myself and I had. This was the answer I had been seeking.

I finished typing and normally I would go back and edit and rewrite, but not this time. I just pressed send! Because it didn't really matter whether he replied or not I had my answer. I still wanted to hear from him but I didn't NEED to hear from for the first time in four long months.

I had a reply back from him within the hour. All it said was...

"You may have just earned yourself a phone number. Way too busy to type, but it appears the time has served you well. Send me a phone number - maybe we can ratchet this up a notch.

No guts, no glory,
Rett"

Oh my god! We were about to enter Phase 2 and I wasn't ready or prepared for that. I hadn't anticipated this response. What do I do now?

Rett and I and phones had not been a good memory for me. The last time I had spoken to him was just after the abortion, when I called to let him know it was over and that I was alive. He had told me he knew because he had called the hospital - I knew that was a lie. I never called again because there was no need. His voice had been cold, very cold. Not just the sound of his voice but his demeanor was harsh. I had blanked out the sound of his voice but not the words or the feelings it had caused, the hurt to my soul I had felt.

I also had another dilemma. I was married. I had told my husband that I was corresponding with this man to try and get some answers, but now I had to explain to him why he was calling.

I don't want to get into the details of my marriage because it has nothing to do with this story. My marriage was over years ago. I knew that and so did my husband. We had been 'separated' but living together for many years. We were friends but not a married couple. We should never have married. I met my husband 4 months after the abortion and I know now that I should never have entered into a relationship with anyone at that time. I guess I am lucky because he wasn't physically abusive because many women in my position end up with abusive husbands. There are some things to be thankful for I guess.

I sent an e-mail back to Rett and gave him my cell phone number and I stalled. I lied to him and told him I had house guests. I needed time to talk to my husband, but more than that I needed time to prepare myself.

I spoke to my husband and told him what was going on and then I sent another e-mail to Rett and gave him my home phone number. My cell phone does not work in my house. We are under some dead zone and the reception is terrible.

So, now I was waiting again. I told my husband that if there was a call that came through from another area code, that he was not to answer. I also asked that if the call came through, could he give me some space and leave me alone to talk. This wasn't going to be a friendly conversation, we had so many things to talk through.

About ten days after that, I was at a friend's pool party. Just a group of woman who I worked with...but they are more than colleagues, they are friends. After the party, one of the woman drove me home. While we were driving, I decided to share my story with her. My therapist had suggested that I share more with people who I trusted, and I trust her. She came into the backyard and we sat and drank tea and talked.

While sitting outside...my cell phone rang. I do not get many calls on my cell phone, so my heart skipped a beat. I picked it up and said "Hello". A male voice on the other end of the line said "Annette...It's Rett." I could not say a word. I could not breathe. I grabbed my girlfriends hand and I mouthed...it's him!! She attempted to get up and leave but I grabbed her hand tight. I didn't want to be alone. Rett said "Breathe...breathe in and breathe out."

Finally I was able to speak but all I could say was "Oh my god." Rett talked, small talk, lots of small talk. He said he was just making this call to set up a time for our next conversation. He said he knew it was going to be difficult for me, so he thought he would get the first phone call out of the way. That was sweet, and thoughtful of him. I eventually calmed down enough to chatter a bit, but nothing really important. We set up a time for the next night at 9pm - Rett said "Kinda like a date. Only 23 hours to wait." It was going to be a very long 23 hours!!!