Chapter 25 - The decision

Rett had said he would call the next weekend. I could tell by the tone of his voice that he really didn't mean it, just something that I picked up on. He was going to be out of town for about a month at a huge bike rally, so I knew he would be busy. But I still waited for the phone call. Again I was waiting.

I felt more secure now that we had talked. I felt more connected than I had through the e-mails. And Rett had said that he didn't want to e-mail anymore because he was tired of writing. I didn't make any promises because I love to write...I needed to write. But the weeks went by and no word from him, not one word.

Around the middle of August I decided I needed to get away, clear my head. Of course I decided to go home, back to the salt-air and the beach, my oasis, my shelter from the storm, my salvation. I made my plans quickly, but I did send Rett an e-mail before I left to tell him I was going away. In case he did write or call I didn't want him to think I was abandoning him.

I was taking the train home, and since it is an out of the way place I have to change trains. There is about an hour and a half wait between trains, so I decided to go outside and get some air. I was sitting on the steps of a beautiful cathedral when I decided to take a chance and call Rett and I was not really expecting him to answer but he did. He was in the car taking his daughter to a doctor's appointment but he talked freely to me. He wished me a good vacation and trip, and he said "When you get home, find a quiet spot by the ocean and call me." He also explained that he had been out of town and apologized for not calling, and he said "Out of sight, but not out of mind. How does it feel to be the second most important woman in my life (behind his daughter)?" Everything was okay.

I had taken a week to vacation and it was perfect. I walked miles along the beach and there is just something about the salt-air that cleanses the soul, or at least it does for me. It was late August, so there wasn't anyone else on the beach, it was glorious. One night I went for a walk just before sunset. I walked out to the end of the wharf and I was sitting there taking it all in. The sun was setting over the mountains in the west, the moon was rising to the east, the colours from the sunset were reflecting on the cliffs behind me, and just to finish it off, there were six sailboats coming in to dock for the night. It was almost too much for my eyes to absorb. Ah, the perfect time to call Rett. I called, but there was no answer, so I left a message describing the scene. I didn't hear back from him.

The week went by and I was feeling stronger. On my last day at home I went for a really long walk on the beach. I found a secluded spot and I called Rett again, but still no response, I can't remember if I left a message or not, if I did it was short. I sat on the beach for a long time and thought about my life. I thought about Rett and what we were doing. What exactly were we doing? I felt close to him.

I think I need to explain myself or at least my feelings. This isn't easy for me because I'm not sure what I was feeling. I had gone from hating this man with such intensity for so long, and now I liked him. I liked him because he cared for me. He listened to me and was concerned about my well-being. I was important to him, and he to me. My feelings were confused, so terribly confused. I had waited all my adult life for this man to care about me, for him to think of me as something more than a piece of meat. And now he did. I felt vindicated, and validated.

Rett didn't know me, he had never known me. I was the last person who should have been treated as he treated me. I am an independent, strong, capable, loving, warm, understanding, loyal, and faithful woman. I am worth so much more than he gave me credit for. I made a HUGE sacrifice in my life for him...not just me. I could have ruined his life, I could have made his life miserable. Instead I took the high road and let him live his life, without so much as a "Hey, what about me?" And it wasn't easy, but I did it. I survived without him. I did not need him before and I do not need him now.

When I was walking back from the beach that last day, this was all going through my mind. I talked out loud to myself and said "That's it. You are done! Accept your life as it is. This is what you chose and this is all there will be. Get over it and get on with your life!" I had made up my mind to leave Rett alone and be done with it all.

I got on the train that night and I slept like a baby. I was at peace with myself and my decision.