Chapter 26 - I have feelings

I got back home and unpacked my bags. I came downstairs and I remembered that my cell phone had a weird voicemail on it that I needed to erase, so I opened up my phone and called my voicemail. But there was a new message on it. It was from Rett. He was in a hotel lobby taking care of some business, his daughter was upstairs in the hotel sleeping. He said to call him...three times in the voice mail. He also said that he had missed my whole vacation but "out of sight, not out of mind. Call me."

So, I called him. This time his mood was different, he seemed so relaxed. During previous conversations I had broached the topic of going to Las Vegas (my birthday trip) and I asked him if he would have dinner with me, and he had said yes. But I never really trusted that he meant it. I had made no concrete plans and I had said in my head, that the next time I spoke to him I would be more direct. So, I asked him again when he was going to be in town because I was thinking of going in October. And he said "But I have rules." I said "What rules?" He said "I don't sleep with married women."

Okay...there it is, we have crossed a line or at least he has crossed a line. My mind had not gone there. Maybe I had dreamt of it, but I had thought it was way too farfetched to ever become a reality, and yet there it was. I was thinking a million miles a minute. What do I respond? My funny side always comes to my rescue in moments like this..."Since when do you have rules?" I asked. Then I said, "What about separated women?" He replied "No." So in order to ease the tension I said "What if I bring a note from my husband?" I thought it was funny, and Rett laughed a little as well.

Now the conversation took a whole different turn. We started (and yes it was we) talking about sex. We started out by talking about what we remembered about our sexual encounter. I said I could close my eyes and still see him, I could still smell him and feel him. He obviously could do the same and he proceeded to describe what he remembered. At one point I said something to him in French, something I wanted to say but was too shy to say it in English and I knew he wouldn't understand. He said "Ummm, I kinda like that. Can you do that over your shoulder?" We were being playful...sexually playful and it felt soooo good. It has been a long time since I have played like that, and I am good at it, and so is he. At one point he said "I have to stop...I have to walk through the hotel lobby." Obviously what I was saying was physically affecting him.

Then he said "I have to call my shrink." To which I replied "You have your shrink on speed-dial? Why do you need to talk to your shrink?" And he replied "Because I have feelings for you!"

OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!

I had no idea what to say, so I mumbled empty rhetoric like "I don't think that's abnormal. We have been through a lot together. Why wouldn't we have feelings?" I couldn't believe he had said that. But I had wanted to hear that for so long. I really can't remember what else was said, but it was all good. We had been talking for two hours but it felt like ten minutes. The last thing he said to me was "For the next phone call get naked and get out the handcuffs." It promised to be an exciting next phone call.

We finally said good bye and he said he'd call again soon. But he didn't. I tried him a couple of times, but never reached him and I didn't leave a message. I really needed some time to think anyway.

And think I did. Now I was really confused. Why the hell hadn't I said it back to him right away. But I was married. How the hell did I get myself into this? When did it get so out of hand? I thought I knew what was going on, but it was out of control.

I really didn't know how I felt about Rett. Did I love him? Why shouldn't I love him? Because he was dangerous for me. Because he had the capacity to hurt me. Could we get over our past? So many questions and so few answers.

But I wanted to love him. Why, for once in my sorry life, couldn't I have the fairytale book ending? Why couldn't this just be what it seemed to be? Why couldn't I just let go and take a chance again?

I decided that I would let myself follow my heart. But I had to talk to him, and he was gone underground again. About two weeks later, I got to work and turned on my cell phone and it made a funny sound, not one I had ever heard before. When I opened it up to check it said I had a text message from Rett. I had never had a text message before. All it said was "Life is not always on your time. Care to talk now?" It had been sent at 12:30 in the morning. Oh course I had been a sleep. I guess I should mention that Rett lived on the other side of the country and there was a 3 hour time difference. I texted him back that I was sorry I missed his call, but if he called again at the same time, I could be up. I didn't hear from him. Oh my god...he had introduced me to a new way of ignoring me!!!

The next week was a big week for me, it was going to be my 50th birthday. Now, in my head I was thinking that Rett would remember when my birthday was. After all he was a sensitive caring guy. Why wouldn't he remember that reference I made back in April or May, or the million references I made about being a Virgo. Yes, I know, I was being stupid. But I really thought he would remember.

Well, it is the night of my birthday and a group of us went out to celebrate in style. We went to a nice restaurant and then to a comedy club afterwards. While we are at the comedy club I thought, "What the hell am I doing? He doesn't remember it's my birthday. Why would he?" So, I decided to send him a text and all it said was "Its my birthday 50 2day" Sometimes in life you have to ask for what you want.

Within ten minutes I had a response back from him "Happy birthday from a very busy bike show" Now my day was complete. That's all I needed.

The next morning I was busy doing the normal Saturday chores and I plugged my cell phone in to recharge in the kitchen, then I went downstairs to start the laundry. On my way up from the basement, just as I passed the kitchen door, my cell phone rang. I had text. It was Rett "You up?" I tried to call him back but he was obviously on the phone, so I texted back "Yes". We texted back and forth a couple of times and then he called.

It was really early in the morning for him and he sounded tired. I had something I wanted to tell him, but this wasn't the right time. He was walking from his hotel to the arena where the bike show was located. We exchanged small talk, and then as he was walking he said "Good morning beautiful." I thought that was odd, but then I thought, oh he's such a flirt, he's likely talking to one of the women working at the show. Then he said to me "Aren't you curious who I am talking to?" I said "No, not really." He said "I'm talking to my bike." Ohhhh...his bike.

I guess I should explain a bit about Rett. He is a computer guy. He manages a computer company and has for quite a few years, and it does very well. He also enjoys motorcycles and is very proud of his bike. He likes it so much he has actually invested in the company. This summer he has been spending all of his spare time travelling from bike show to bike show helping to sell bikes. I am sure he is very good at this, because he is a salesman. He had shared with me the website of the company and a link to a picture of a bike that was very similar to his "only lesser" to quote Rett. It is a huge part of his life.

After I figured out who beautiful was, we continued to talk about his bike. I made a remark about Harley's purring, and he said no, his bike didn't purr it roared. So, I asked him if I could hear it. He seemed pleased that I was interested, and he fired it up. Oh my god!!! It is a powerful sounding bike and I can see why he enjoys it.

Our conversation wasn't terribly long maybe a half hour or more, but it was light and fun. He wished me a happy birthday and said he would call Sunday night if things went well. By now, those promises of calling really don't affect me at all.

So, Sunday night rolls along and I am thinking about him. It is 10:30 and I know he isn't going to call, so I decide to send him a text. All it said was "Are you ho..." and then I wait a few minutes and I text "..me yet? Get your mind out of the gutter." He texts back "No, Still at the Reno airport." So I send another note and all it says is "Safe flite. Get some well deserved rest. Hug" I get back a reply "Thnx. BHug."

Hugs have been part of our dialogue since early on. I started it because I thought it would help him to understand that I wasn't angry anymore. I had sent the first one after he had finally apologized in a fashion that I thought was sincere. It's not easy to send a hug via e-mail, but here's what I came up with (Rett) to represent my hug. He replied back that time with ((Annette))- and he explained it as "big arms". And those hugs felt good for both of us.