Chapter 27 - Thud!

This is the part that is going to kill me or cure me to write. This is the part that has had me reeling for the past couple of weeks. This is the part that has rocked my world and shattered my spirit. This is the part I want you to judge. Help me understand because I do not.

The following Tuesday was a full moon. I am affected by full moons. It makes me sentimental and home sick. I often look at the moon and think how it would look shining on the water at home. This isn't an excuse it is a fact.

I had been waiting to talk to Rett, but the last time we spoke he was tired and rushed. But I didn't want to wait. I always felt rushed with him, because I thought he would disappear and leave me again. I was worried that if I didn't say something to him, he would run away because I hadn't returned his feelings.

I decided late Tuesday night to send a text to Rett. I liked the idea of texting because it was instantaneously received. It felt like I had him with me all the time, just a click away. So, I composed two texts and saved them to Drafts. The first one said "I have been trying to tell you something important for weeks now, but life keeps getting in my way. And life is too short." The second one said "I have fallen in love with you and I'm scared you won't catch me." I sent the first one and then I waited a couple of seconds and I sent the next one. It was done. There was no going back now.

No word from him. No reply.

I waited until Thursday night and I sent another text which said "I was wrong. I'm not scared at all. I am happy. Are you?"

I stayed up until about 11:30 expecting to get a reply, and when nothing came I went to bed but I couldn't sleep, so I was just lying there thinking. My cell phone was on my nightstand because it had been in my pocket when I came upstairs, so I just put it on the nightstand. At 12:35, it started to vibrate. I had a message. And out of my mouth came words that I had not said out loud in so many years..."I love you!" I was so sure of what he would say. I was so wrong.

I opened my cell phone and there in the box for the text were the words "Annette-this is all taking place in your mind-sorry but..." I could hear the blood rushing in my ears, and my heart was hurting in my chest. I thought, there must be more coming because of the ... but no, that was it.

I texted back just one word "Thud". That was the sound I was hearing. It was my heart hitting the floor.

He replied "Sorry", and I replied "I don't think so...No fool like an old fool!" And he replied "Excuse me?", and I said "Can we talk?" and he replied "Still working" and by this time I was up so I replied back "When will you be done?" I was on my way downstairs by this point with my cell phone open in my hand. I was still re-reading, trying to make sense of what was happening. And suddenly I had voice mail - he had tried to call. Then the landline downstairs rang and I answered.

All I could say was "What the hell happened?" "Where is this coming from?" His voice was cold, like the voice I had heard all those years ago. He didn't talk much, except to say "You're married." and "Didn't your shrink tell you this was a bad idea?" and "If you were my wife I would kick you to the curb." And other hurtful things. But the more I protested the worse it got. He wanted to make me angry, as men do when they want things to end. If they make us angry we will hang up and they won't have to talk. But I said "No Rett, it is not going to end like this. We have worked too hard to end this angry."

We talked for two hours and really I have very little recollection of what was said. I was in shock. I had been blindsided, and I felt like I had been hit by a truck. All I remember was him saying "Take care babe" and then "Good bye babe."

How did this happen and where did it come from? Was it because I was married?

I did tell him that I would never have gone to 'there' without him going there first and he said "I knew as soon as I got off the phone that I shouldn't have said that" And I asked him why he hadn't called me back or told me that the next time we talked. He had no answer. He just kept saying "You're married." And he did say "I think I have hurt you enough for this lifetime."

No I am not married. But he needed an excuse, and that was easy.