Chapter 28 - Releasing him

I was devastated. I couldn't believe this was happening. There was no warning, no signs at all. And I knew he had sent that text late in the night thinking that I wouldn't be awake. He was wrong. He got caught. Not that it mattered.

I was hurt at his comments about my integrity. And there was some truth to his accusations, I was married, but I didn't lie to anyone. My husband knew what was going on and so did Rett. I had not lied to anyone. But I was married. A few days after Rett's phone call, I spoke to my husband about our living arrangement and I told him it had to change.

I went to see a lawyer the following Tuesday, and we will be divorced before the end of the year. He has found an apartment and he will be moving out in two weeks.

But Rett's comments stung, and I needed to clarify some points, so I wrote a last e-mail pouring out my feelings.

"Dear Rett;
You must have known I had more to say...

I was feeling sorry for myself all week and then I realized...All along this journey of mine I have followed my heart and for the most part it has never led me astray. But I started listening to other people and then I lost my way.

This is my journey and no one else’s and I have to listen to what my heart and my head are telling me. Somewhere along the way, I lost control of the wheel, you were driving and I felt I was following.

Fate or God or Buddha or whoever gave us a second chance and I do not feel we are finished yet.

Right now my heart is telling me I went down a wrong lane, took a wrong turn and I need to fix it. I have done some damage and I need to repair it.

First mistake I made was going off my anti-depressant medication. I was feeling happy and I thought I didn’t need them anymore, and I was wrong. For a while I thought that the happy feelings were coming because of you, but they aren’t…they are coming from me. I know this, because they are still here. I haven’t felt anything but numb or indifference for so many years, I got confused. I confused happy with love. I was wrong.

Second mistake I made was telling you I loved you, for several reasons, the main one being I wasn’t in love with you. You were right, I don’t know you well enough to tell you something like that, but just like you, I got caught up in the moment. I want to be in love and be loved, but first I have to straighten out my life. I do care about you, as I always will.

Third mistake was not taking care of my situation with my husband before I did anything. Big mistake – but I have rectified that. I went to see a lawyer last week and the bank, and to make a long story very short…we will be divorced in 11 weeks. He has found an apartment and will be out November 1st. As I tried to explain to you, we were already separated and had dealt with any issues many years ago, but I thought I was responsible for taking care of him. I am not. Thank you for the kick in the ass.

I would never presume to speak for you, but I also think that you were transferring feelings from your ‘situation’ with your ex-wife to my situation with my husband. I did not deceive him; cheat on him or cross any boundary at all – ever! There were no parallels, but I can totally understand how you feel. I have been there too.

You don’t know me either because if you did, you would know that I would never do anything to compromise my integrity or my word. Nor would I do anything to hurt anyone. That is how I have gotten myself into the mess I am in…I have spent my entire life thinking of everyone else, taking care of everyone else and I forgot that I have a right to be happy too. You may call it self-centred but sometimes you have to take care of yourself first. Just like in the case of an airplane crash, you have to give yourself oxygen first before your children...same rule applies here. I can't expect to love anyone until I love myself.

And yes, I e-mail too much, I text too much and I write too much – guilty as fucking charged. That is who I am. All or nothing, and frankly I like me. There is no wondering where I stand in life, because it is right there, in your face. That’s what most people love about me.

You and I have come way too far to let all our hard work be thrown away because of a misunderstanding. I know I was going overboard, but for fuck’s sake give me a break. I didn’t kill anyone, I didn’t rob a bank. All I did was tell someone I loved them. Not a crime – just a mistake. And I didn't go there alone.

My friends have been giving me advice and they keep telling me not to contact you, and perhaps they are right, but in my heart I needed to repair the damage I did.

My therapist never tells me what to do. She says that when there is no conflict I will know what to do. This is what I have to do.

I never professed to be perfect...the last perfect person ended up on a cross. I am human and so are you.

Am I forgiven for my transgressions? May I have a second chance?

Sincerely,
Annette"

Yes I know it sounds desperate and apologetic but I was so god damn hurt I wasn't thinking, and I did not want him to judge me on my integrity. There was no way I could leave it like that...EVER. I wouldn't have been able to live with that. I thought I had done something wrong to ruin our relationship. It was my worst fear, and I had to fix it.

Well, I sent it and a few days later this is the reply I received. It was not what I expected.

"Annette, you will not enjoy this, but I am done. This is now your journey, not mine, and our paths must separate once again.

Quite often we do the right things for the wrong reasons, and I hope this is what has happened with you and your marriage. I was merely here to correct a great wrong done many many years ago and I am finished. Although you think you know me, obviously you do not, or you would have respected my wishes and left me alone.

The love you feel for "me" is not a healthy one, since it is not based in reality, nor is it being returned.

Stay on your meds, keep seeing your therapist, and please leave me alone to live my life. ...and stop listening to your friends, regardless of their opinions. Your is the only one that matters and they are only adding white noise.

Of course you are forgiven, for following your heart is always the best plan, but better you follow a healthy heart when you get there. There has been no damage done on my side, as I have not allowed it to go there, so worry not about me - my boundaries are intact. Also, there is no second chance as there never was a first.

Annette, I am not the love of your life, and I know this because I have found mine. Her name is Marilyn, she has captured my heart and I believe she intends to keep it, and I feel exactly the same way about her. Please move on with your life and allow us to move on with ours.

Tough words, but you can handle them. Keep on with your journey, be true to yourself, and make the best of the rest of your life.

Thank you for releasing me from my guilt, for no one but you could have done this.

It is now my time to go - please respect this.

Godspeed,
Rett"

I still can't bring myself to read it again. It is so hurtful. The most hurtful line is the part about me releasing him from his guilt. How dare he use that!?

I also find it funny when he talks about no second chance - early on I had sent him an e-mail and in it I said "Do you realize how lucky we are? How many people get a second chance in life?" And Rett's reply to this was "Only the good ones." How ironic.

So, here I am, wondering if this had been all my imagination, or if he had used me again in some sort of sick game. Or did he just want to get me to the point where I professed my love so that he could make me tumble all the way down the rabbit hole? How cruel a 'human being' is he?

Or was I wrong all along?