Chapter 30 - The Aftermath

The venting and telling is done, and now I have to sit back to gather my thoughts. I have to think about it all as if I were an innocent bystander. I have to look at the totality of it all and see what I have learned or gained from this experience - the pros and cons if you will.

I have learned that I can forgive. This was not a selfless act, not as selfless as I thought it was at the outset.

Rett said to me in one of his nicer e-mails that if he could have just one do-over in his life it would be how he handled our encounter, and literally he did have a chance to do-over our encounter. I gave him that opportunity, and he did exactly the same as he did the first time.

There are no do-over’s in life. There is no going back and changing history. As sad a fact as that is...it is a fact. All we can do is live our lives, every day as if it were our last, and treat people as we would wish to be treated. I have lived my life like that.

If I had my life to live over I would not change my encounter with Rett. I would not change my decision about the abortion, because it was the right thing to do at the time. Rett does not deserve to be a parent. And the gods have taken care of that because he never had children of his own. Karma is a bitch but an honorable one.

All I can think of now, is that he has step-children to raise, and what he is teaching them about honesty, and integrity, not by his words but by his actions. I pray that his step-daughter never encounters someone like her step-father, and I pray that his step-son does not behave as he does.

The part of this whole saga that disturbs me the most is Rett's denial or apparent denial of what his feelings were. It made me doubt myself. That is something that was cruel and unforgivable. There were many other ways he could have handled this, but being the coward that he is, I suppose this was the only way he knew how. He was thinking about himself and didn't take one minute to think about how this would upset me, turn my world upside down, and leave me to deal with the aftermath alone again.

But I am not alone really. I have friends. My life has been blessed with the best friends a woman could hope to have. Most of them have walked along on this journey with me - shoulder to shoulder. They have seen the highs and the lows and have not wavered in their support of me. That is the sign of a true friend and I doubt that Rett has ever experienced this type of friendship or support. How could he - because in order to have friends like this - you need to be that kind of friend to others.

Although my whole family does not know about my dark secret, the ones who do have been so supportive as well. I am blessed in this regard.

My hope is that one day Rett will see what he has done and ask for forgiveness, not from me, but from the only person who can grant forgiveness.

I know what was said, Rett knows what was said, and God knows what was said. Unto thineownself be true.