Chapter 8 - The Journey Begins

After I sent the e-mail I felt better because I had let go of some of the hate I had been carrying around. I wasn't even sure it was him that I had e-mailed but I had been obscure enough that if it wasn't the right person, it wouldn't give anything away. I had used a hotmail address that didn't give away my identity either, so it was all good.

The next day when I checked my e-mail I had a reply. I hadn't anticipated that at all. It had been sent to let something go and I hadn't thought about what my next step would be. I could hear my heart beating in my ears again - a sound I hadn't heard for many years. I stared at the computer screen for quite a while before I actually clicked to open the e-mail. I told myself it was okay, it was going to be okay. You are in charge this time. You started this and you don't want to be on your deathbed saying "I wish I had..."

Here is the reply that I received...

"Well, I must admit you have me at a loss. You have come in on an email address that is published on a few webpages and therefore attracts about 150+ pieces of spam per day, but this one just doesn't look like spam - a little too much info.

Unfortunately not enough info for me to figure out who I am talking to. It has, however, caused me to sit back and reflect a bit. The list of people I have screwed over on purpose is very short indeed and I know these people well. The list of people to whom I have done so inadvertently, well, there is a list that may be longer than I realize... A few years back I had cause to reflect upon amends that needed to be made, and only one person remains on that list, and you do not appear to fit the profile.."

...over 25 years" and "short encounter" do give a bit of a clue.

So I was 22-23 when we met (for a short time), but you know me well enough to know my DOB. Hmmm, just out of college and working for a computer company. So that means somewhere in Canada. Pretty brassy if I remember right - thought I had the world by the throat. Well, although I was never really meant to be an asshole, but I would have to admit that I was a lesser man then than I am now. Unfortunately the dates you quote do not ring a bell, but this has been an action packed life so far, and many such details have been lost on the journey. And just the clear up a couple of other points - I don't run and I don't hide - never did, never will (pardon the chest pounding). You have obviously had no problem keeping track of me. My phone number has always been listed, you would just need to know what city (or country) I am in at any given time.

...a lifetime of hurting... wow - you would think that would narrow the list...

I am happy to hear that you are finally going to let this go. I know negative energy is a large burden to carry. Chances are that I do owe you an apology, but just as I am willing to stand up for what I have done, I also like to know for what I am apologizing. You accuse me of lying to you, and if that is true, that would put you on a very short list in this lifetime.

Perhaps a few more details if you wish to provide them, and I may be asking for your forgiveness myself, or at least I might be able to provide you with a better understanding. However, if you just wish to have this done (kinda like writing the letter then burning it), then I will understand. Regardless, probably the best birthday present I received in many years. I hope you can enjoy in it as well.

Namaste,
Rett"

I can't say how I was feeling when I read this. It did clarify that I was speaking to the correct person, but it hurt that it didn't immediately spring to his mind who was sending this e-mail. I also disliked the reference to "run and hide" because that was exactly what he had done. But he did open the door for more conversation and I needed desperately to have answers to my questions. I needed to have his help to explain why he did what he did.

There is another interesting word - need. Over the next several months this word would come up often. I don't know when it became a bad word...even though it does have 4 letters, I never thought of it as a curse word. Apparently some people have trouble with it...mostly men. It is not attractive to be needy or to need something from them. They will run a mile from a needy woman. I guess it speaks to the question about commitment and levels of involvement. Much too deep for me to sort out, I just thought I would draw attention to the word.

So, now I am faced with a dilemma. What do I reply or do I reply? Was it enough to have his response or did I really want to dig deeper? I knew it wasn't going to be an easy exercise and my trust level with Rett was zero. Was I going to let myself go there again?

I sat on it for a couple of days, drew up a dozen or so draft letters, then I thought - no. I am just going to ask him about that one person he is referring to in his e-mail. I will ask him what the initials are and if they are mine, then I will dive in. So that's what I sent, nothing more.

I waited for a couple of days and no response. I then thought...he doesn't remember my name!!! Oh my god. This has etched and scratched every inch of my life and he does not even remember my name! I should have stopped there, but by now I am on a mission. I can smell the answers to my questions, they are that close.

Okay, I bit the bullet and I sent another e-mail with a tiny bit more information so that he can be comfortable knowing he is talking to the right person. I gave him a few details on where and when we met. I also told him I wasn't trying to be obscure or vague, I just didn't feel good about putting my life story out there for everyone to read. (My how times have changed, ha!)

A few days later I get another e-mail. I had been right - he didn't remember my name. That still hurts and I should have taken it as a sign, but by now I am not reading any signs. All I can see is the end goal. Finally some answers.