Chapter 5 - The Power of Elimination

I suppose you are wondering what type of support I had while going through this. I had a few friends who knew, but they didn't really know. I don't think anyone can ever understand the feelings unless you have gone through it. I had also isolated myself because most people didn't know that I had been a virgin. I also didn't want them to know the turmoil that was transpiring in my head. I had been humiliated by Rett and left to handle the aftermath of his lie.

I had gone from an innocent, trusting, naive woman to a pregnant, cheap, used woman in a blink of an eye. My head could not process all that was transpiring around me. In order to survive we come up with mechanisms to help us cope. And to be honest, I don't know how I survived. I know that I disconnected from reality for a while, which really wasn't that difficult since I could not believe that this was all happening to me. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other and dealing with each issue as best I could.

I cried buckets when people were not around. I had no one to hold me and tell me it was going to be okay, that there would be more life to live and this would not be the defining moment of my life. But I had to do what I had to do...

Cathy, my best friend from childhood and the only person I would likely have shared my turmoil with, was out of town while this was all going on. So, I shared with no one. What could I tell people anyway? How do I explain it to them, when I couldn't explain it to myself. How did this happen to me, of all people - me? If you had asked anyone who knew me, I would have been the last person this should have happened to. I was too bright, too insightful, too good. Bad things don't happen to good people! Oh yeah they do.

There was no doubt in my mind that I could not have this child alone. I had no way to support it or myself. Adoption was not an option for me either, as I don't think I could have bared the thought of my child being out there and not knowing where or with whom. So my decision was made by a power of elimination, but I did think about it for a very long time.

Finally, I made an appointment with a Dr. Pelletier (a name I will never forget) at the University and went to discuss what needed to be done. Well, Dr. Pelletier had other ideas. She was there to ridicule and belittle and to talk me out of the abortion. Now, I had already spent two and a half weeks thinking of absolutely nothing else – pretty much 24/7 – sleep came very intermittently – if at all. And I HATED the decision but it was all I could do.

I was too afraid and ashamed to tell anyone about the turmoil I was going through, so how could I have gotten their support. I was trapped in my own hell. I did tell the ‘doctor’ that Rett had been my first and that he had said he was sterile, but really, it meant nothing to her. I was just another woman looking for the ‘easy’ way out. She made me go home and think about my choice for another week.

Each week, each day, each hour I was becoming more and more attached but I still had no other option. I would lie awake in bed at night, place my hands on my stomach, palms down and try to communicate my deep and intense sense of sorrow to this tiny being growing inside of me. I so wanted it to know that it was loved and how sorry I was for what I was about to do.