Chapter 4 - Reality Check

I went back to bed after Rett left and I slept a little, and when I awakened I felt good. I wondered if I would feel differently or look differently. Would the image I had looked at in the mirror last night have changed? Not really, but I was smiling. It felt so right. I felt as if I had finally joined an exclusive club. Now when all my girlfriends would share their latest sex exploits I could share too.

I had kept my little secret from my girlfriends and had actually lied about my virginity. Not something I am very proud of, because I am normally a very honest person. But I felt ashamed of still being a virgin at 24. There must be something wrong with me - well...not anymore.

I know you won’t believe this, but I knew the next day that something was different. Being the virgin that I was…I kept thinking it was normal to feel that way. But that little voice in the back of my head kept talking…louder and louder and about two weeks after I decided to take an at home pregnancy test.

I can still see myself in the bathroom – in front of that huge mirror, looking at the “+” and then looking at myself in that mirror. There was absolutely no colour in my face - in that instant I realized that I had been ‘fucked’ both figuratively and literally.

I was not just a virgin, but I was innocent. I had only been in the city for a couple of years, mostly in a sheltered university environment. Even at university, I was protected by my circle of friends. We watched out for one another and ensured that each of us was safe. If we went out drinking, one of us would always stay sober or soberer to keep watch on the others. That's just how it was. That's the kind of people I have surrounded myself with. I knew that there were bad people in the world and I thought I knew how to spot them. I thought I was a good judge of people's characters. But what experience did I have out here in the real world, flying without a parachute, without my posse?

So, what do I do now? I took a day or two to think before I called Rett.

In my little black and white brain, there were two possible conclusions, either Rett had told the truth and this was some miracle of his overcoming his sterility or he had lied to me and he never was sterile. But I couldn't process the latter. Why would anyone lie about something like that? Had I done something to make him lie to me? Oh course it had to be something that I did, because it was somehow my fault. After all...I had asked for it.

I had no choice but to let him know, because that was the right thing to do, and god knows I always do the right thing. I dialed the number, having no idea how the hell I was going to tell him. It didn't take me long to get to the point, because I couldn't access any small talk, my brain was focused on one item.

Then I heard the words that have stuck in my brain for all of my adult life - Rett said to me "How do I know it is mine?" Seven small words, each one taken on its own have no impact, but when you string them together they can shatter a life. I knew in that instant that I would be alone and that my life would never be the same - ever!

It is not often that people know the exact moment that their lives change. For some people it is a gradual slope or hill that they travel, for a very few...it is a distinct point in time. A place where time does stand still. There is no noise, no smells, no warmth or cold, just a void of time, hanging there like a noose waiting for the executioner. The only sound you can hear in these moments is your own heart beating in your ears, letting you know you are alive, and this is not a dream, just a reality check.

The memory that I have of his voice and those words is harsh and cold. It didn't even sound familiar to me. There was no caring, or understanding at all. He seemed disconnected from my reality. He didn't want to help and he wasn't going to help - not words spoken but implied.

He not only rejected his culpability in my situation, but he was dismissing me. The same person who I had just shared my most precious possession with, was treating me like a cheap whore; someone he used and then just as quickly dismissed.

So, that club that I had so wanted to become a member of was now a whole different club and I was the only member.

I decided I needed to get a proper test done. I was flying by the seat of my pants here – I had NO idea what to do. I went to a doctor at the local university because I thought that would be a ‘safe’ place to go. I had the blood test and they called me November 11th, Remembrance Day to confirm what I already knew. My life was over.