Chapter 38 - Sense of Need

I am having a rough night. My husband moved out his belongings tonight and that marks another ending in my life. I have had a lot of endings over the last couple of months, and I am trying desperately to see where the new beginnings are. It hasn't been easy.

I haven't spoken about my husband much because it really wasn't part of my story with Rett...but it is part of my story with Rett. I told you I met my husband four months after I finished with Rett. I needed to find a safe place to land and I thought I had found it. He wasn't unkind or unpleasant but he wasn't a good man either. But he wanted to be with me at a time in my life when I thought no one wanted me...or would ever want me. All my life I had felt unlovable and Rett had definitely proved me right, so when my husband came along, my hopes were lifted. He was such a bad choice for a myriad of reasons, but I was blind to them. All I could see was another living, breathing human being who wanted to be with me - damaged, worn, tattered, torn - me. How lucky was I?

I have mentioned this before but I think it is important enough to mention again, woman who have been traumatized either mentally or physically tend to end up with abusive partners. Their self-esteem is so low that they will tolerate abusive relationships. I think it goes much deeper than that - I think that abusive men can hone in on a traumatized or abused woman. They are 'attracted' to woman who are weak or weakened. They are like dogs who can smell fear. They can sense that we are needy and will 'settle' for less than we deserve.

That's what happened to me. I met my husband at a bar and he was the first person to pay attention to me since Rett. Oh to have the foresight that I have now - to know that I was extremely vulnerable.

My husband wasn't an abuser in the true sense of the word, but he was a user - just no 'ab's (little humour). He used me, and I allowed him to use me. I knew he was doing it, but in order to keep him happy, I allowed it to continue. I basically paid him to be with me when I look at it clinically.

That last sentence has made me stop writing for hours because it hurts so much to see it in black and white. But it is the truth. I doubt that if I hadn't had money he would have stayed with me. It has all been about the money for him. He fell out of love with me many years ago, and I'm not sure I ever loved him.

I thought about leaving him often, but could not see a way out. I thought that this was all my life was going to be. But it wasn't enough to feel nothing. Something inside of me wanted more, to feel more, to give more to someone who deserved me.

Life has an odd way of awakening us.