Anger is defined as "A strong passion or emotion of displeasure or antagonism, excited by a real or supposed injury or insult to one's self or others, or by the intent to do such injury." Tonight for the first time I am feeling anger. I reread Rett's e-mail for the first time in a month and now I am angry. At first I was hurt and hence the reason why I couldn't read it again until today.
I want revenge. I want to hurt him. I want him injured, because he injured and insulted me - with intent.
But what can I do? Just like when he hurt me all those years ago, I feel helpless and hopeless. AND I HATE FEELING LIKE THAT!!!! I am not that same woman. I am so much more than that woman, and I don't want to take this lying down. I want to take some sort of action. I want to feel empowered instead of powerless. I can not let this man ruin the next 26 years of my life. I will not!!!
Revenge is just not enough, because I want him to suffer and none of the things I have thought about have life-long affects, so what is the point. I am just tired of taking his abuse and whimpering away to a corner to lick my wounds. He needs to pay for what he has done. He needs to be responsible for his actions!!! Why do I have to pay? Why not him? I let him get away with being an asshole. I let everyone get away with treating me badly and frankly - why should I? I didn't deserve to be treated like this, and why am I putting up with it. Why can't I have my say? Why can't I be as cruel as he?
But is being angry just giving him back the power over my life? By being angry am I not showing that he still matters in my life? I need to get to the point of indifference don't I? Right now, I am not there...I am at angry and I WANT PAYBACK.
Anger is just another phase of recovery - something I have to go through to get over it. And I will get it out of my system by writing, not acting!
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3 comments:
I really don't know what to say to you. I wish I had the answer. But, at this moment, I would say forget payback and thoughts of cruelness. Be angry, process it. Otherwise, you will be playing his game. You are better than that. You can't make someone love you if they don't love themselves. Accept yourself. Love yourself.
I don't want to be the better person - and it is not about love - it is about paying, being accountable for actions - like most normal people.
Write the book. Be a best seller. Get on Opray and everyone will know. That should do it. I am positive this story is in many womens' heads but they don't have the ability to write it. Women all over need to know that there are others out there suffering with the same lifetime of pain. Who can they turn to, what should they do????
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