Chapter 40 - Not good enough

Okay, here it is, the truth of my life - I have always thought I wasn't good enough. You're not stupid, so you have probably figured that out about me by now. Not really that hard to tell if you have been reading between my lines. There had to be some underlying reason for me, being me. I don't know where it comes from, and so far my therapy hasn't helped in that area. I think that there are just some things one is born with - like a large nose or blond hair - I got this.

When I was younger I started taking piano lessons, not as a child of six, but I think I was twelve or thirteen. I had an amazing piano teacher, who played the organ at the Catholic Church in our small town, and she had the voice of an angel. After she had been teaching me for about 3 years she had a heart attack and stopped teaching - except for her daughter and me. She told me I was good, and she wanted to keep helping me learn. Each year, there was a recital. I never participated, even though she wanted me to. I never felt I was good enough.

I also sing. I love to sing. I sang at my cousin's wedding many moons ago, and also at my sister's wedding. People said I was good. But, I never thought I was good enough.

Last year I decided to give it a whirl again after many years of not singing. The husband of a friend of mine, has created a small studio in his basement, and they asked me to come and record something. I chose Jann Arden's "Good Mother" because I love the song. The words speak to me, because my mother is such a huge part of my life. I practiced for a couple of weeks before I went over to record. I got there and I was soo freakin' nervous it wasn't even funny. You can't be nervous and sing well - it just doesn't work that way. Well, I sounded awful and I knew it. I stopped recording - because I just wasn't good enough.

I don't think we need to re-hash the loves of my life - we all know how I interpret my track record with them - let's just say, I just wasn't good enough.

Now I am at the point where I want to write this book, I want to tell my story, I NEED to tell this story. As one of my anonymous commentors just wrote - I have to think about other people who are going through or who have been through my hell and I need to help them, by telling my story - but what if I'm not good enough?

I just want to be good enough at something in life - to make a difference in someone's life. I do want to help someone but in order to do that I have to put myself 'out' there to be judged. I am not sure I am up to that. But then again, what choice do I have - because I have to do it.