Chapter 43 - What is forgiveness?

I have been thinking about forgiveness so much these days. I started my journey with forgiveness and I have been trying to understand why I did that. I know what I thought at the time, but I have a feeling there were other underlying reasons that I haven't really uncovered.

I did some research on what exactly forgiveness is and I found this prayer that seemed to sum it up better than I could. As I have said before, I am not really religious, but the words are still strong no matter what you believe.

A prayer of forgiveness

Dear God, I choose as an act of my will, regardless of my feelings, to forgive the person who has wronged me. I release them, and I set myself free to Your healing. With Your help, I will no longer dwell on the situation or continue to talk about it. I thank You for forgiving me as I have forgiven them. I thank You for releasing me. I ask this in Jesus’ name, amen.

"...regardless of my feelings..." is so true. It seems to say that whether or not you have totally reconciled things in your heart, you can still forgive. One does not have to forget to forgive.

Okay, I just had another one of those coincidences. I was researching 'forgiveness and love' and the first hit that appeared was a website that contained this quote:

"Medical intuitive Caroline Myss, who, through her gift of intuitive sight sees the energy patterns that lead to illness, says, “By far the strongest poison to the human spirit is the inability to forgive oneself or another person.”

Caroline Myss wrote a book titled "Sacred Contracts" which I wrote about in an earlier chapter. It is a book that Rett suggested I read. Just another coincidence.

What made me type those words to Rett? I think I was trying to find it within myself to forgive - me. It would have been so much harder to type those words to myself than it was to send them to Rett. I can accept what I did on an intellectual level, but on a personal level is another story. Acceptance and forgiveness are two entirely different things. I am working on it, but I'm not there yet.

My heart aches if I spend too much time dwelling on the details. Not an ache that anyone can help with, but an emptiness that nothing can fill. I have never spent a lot of time thinking about it, because it is something that I know I can't reconcile or explain away. I just can not make it right, no matter what angle I approach it from. Yes, Rett lied to me, and it was his fault, but that doesn't help.

Below is an excerpt from "True Forgiveness" by Lynn Woodland (I found this on the web)

"True forgiveness is a shifting of attention away from the hurtful act, not in denial, but in release. It means identifying with the higher part of ourselves that was never harmed so we can see past the illusion of separateness to the reality of Oneness. As we understand ourselves to be one with the person who hurt us, forgiveness becomes self-forgiveness. As we transcend our belief in ourselves as victims, we are able to see the other person differently. Instead of seeing his or her “wrongness” we see the pain that motivated his or her actions. Living from a belief that doing harm brings personal gain is a prison of separateness, powerlessness and pain. Anyone who acts intentionally to harm another is trapped in this painful prison, even if he or she doesn’t recognize it as such. When we understand this, we can more easily feel compassion instead of rage."

If I were to paraphrase her, I think she is saying that through empathy and understanding we can achieve forgiveness. That's what I was working towards with Rett.

But it was such a tangled mess of emotions. It was like all the lines of a parachute that has gone through a dryer - you know there is a proper place for each one, but it's going to take a lot of time and patience to sort them out.

I just found this website that is written in language that is easily understood. I really don't like psycho-babble, but this site is easy to understand. Here is the link.

http://www.enotalone.com/article/2696.html

If you are struggling with forgiveness as I have been, read it...then read it again. I have read it several times over a period of several months, and each time I get more and more out of it. I particularly like the final two paragraphs:

"To take meaning and value out of any situation, simply ask, "What has this taught me? What lessons can I learn: about myself, about others and about my life? How can I use this new knowledge to change my thinking and behavior and help others avoid the same trap?"

In this light our past, instead of being meaningless and shameful, has a positive and life-enhancing value. By learning to handle our past, and by taking the steps to forgive ourselves in the true sense of the word, we can let go of the debilitating consequences of guilt, and finally move on."

Ponder on it for a while.