Chapter 44 - Why oh Why?

When I write, sometimes the topics are too painful, or too private to share right away. I save them as Drafts and I leave them alone for a couple of days, then I go back and review them to see if the pain has diminished. Time does heal some things, because I find when I follow this routine, most times I can publish the posts later.

This next one has taken longer than the others. I have reviewed it several times, but each time, it would go back as a Draft. I could still feel the pain that I had when I wrote it. It was still too close to the surface.

I have been trying for the past couple of days to heal my heart. I can't stop the thoughts of Rett from rushing into my brain from time to time, but it is lessening with each day. And the rushes aren't overwhelming now. At first I couldn't breathe, I couldn't get enough air, but now I can get air again, finally. It has been a lot for my brain to absorb in these few short months. I had come from such a place of hatred to a much better place...and I won't go back to hatred, it takes too much of my energy.

Rett accused me of setting out on this journey loving him, and it shows how little he really knows about me or my pain. He, or his ego, assumed that I was somehow in love with him all those years ago. How could I possibly love someone who hurt me to the centre of my existence? There was no love there. There wasn't any at the time, and it didn't grow over those 25 plus years.

It is hard to explain hatred to someone else. It is a very personal feeling, and a very lonely one. But it does take a tremendous amount of energy to carry it through the years, and you do 'carry' it like a yoke around your neck. As you get older, the yoke tightens until you can no longer breathe or bear its burden.

A very dear friend of mine who reads my blog and probably knows me better than anyone on this earth, said when she was reading, she could almost feel my shoulders lifting. That's how this whole journey felt, especially in the earlier days, like my soul was lighter...it could dance.

These days, I know I have to keep busy and really work at keeping my mind occupied with other things. But as darkness falls I have this overwhelming sense of loss. I hate the nights. There are demons that lurk in each unseen corner of the night and they come out and play with your mind. As hard as I try to divert my attention, they still manage to creep in and upset me. My attention span is very short and hence my mind wanders off to where it can not go. I find myself re-routing my thoughts to a happy place, and I have to search for one.

It is the confusion of it all that makes me so despondent. I just don't understand. And god I want to understand. I want it to be so clear that I will have no questions. As clear as Rett's last e-mail was, I still don't understand what happened before. Why did he say those things? When I spoke with him on the phone why didn't he tell me about Marilyn then? Why did he wait until I sent him the e-mail before he mentioned that he had found someone? Why oh why?

There are some mysteries that are never meant to be solved. Some questions that are never to be answered. I'm just not sure why my life has to be surrounded by them.