Chapter 45 - The Blindfold

I never could quite picture meeting Rett. For all the talking we did about it, I never felt comfortable with the idea of seeing him. I knew it was something that I had to do, and I would try so very hard to picture it.

There was a sense of fear inside me each time I would walk through the scenerio of our meeting. It wasn't that I was afraid of Rett. I was afraid of my reaction to seeing him, and his reaction to seeing me.

When we were talking on the phone I brought up the topic of coming to see him, and he made some stupid joke, and I said to him "You're afraid of seeing me, aren't you?" He fluffed off the question in his pompous style, but I truly felt he was afraid as well.

When you think about facing your fears, actually looking directly at them, it must terrify you too. If you are afraid of heights and you were standing on the edge of a cliff, wouldn't you be terrified? It isn't easy to come face to face with that which you dread.

My therapist tried to help me work through this. She would pull over a chair that she has in her office, and say "He's there sitting in that chair...talk to him." Seems simple, since I know it is just a chair, and he's not actually in it, but each time, I would be unable to speak or to even look at the chair. I would beg her to put the chair away. I wasn't ready, and I'm not sure I ever would have been ready.

I don't even know exactly what I am afraid of. I guess it is facing reality. I have been able to put away my feelings and I feared that when I saw him they would all come out. Not something that is easy to simulate or a place I wanted to go.

But I tried. I wrote about it, trying to work out the details of how it would happen, and then I could just concentrate on the feelings behind it. I couldn't even write from my perspective, I wrote from Rett's view.

The Blindfold:

You are in the hotel lobby using the house phone to call her room. You are not sure what to expect but your anxiety and excitement are palpable. “Hello again” she says as she answers the phone…”Come on up. It’s room 2010 and there’s something on the doorknob for you to put on before you come in.” You want to ask her what’s on the doorknob but something stops you. Instead you just say “See you in a couple of minutes.”

As you enter the elevator you can feel your heart beating a little quicker than normal. You are lost in your thoughts and then suddenly you look up and you are on the 10th floor. You’re so close and yet so far away.

What will you say when you see her? What will she do when she sees you? What is on the doorknob? You look up again and you are on the 18th floor. Soon all the waiting will be over. So much time has passed and so much has happened, but really it just seems like yesterday. The elevator stops and you are there.

You get off and start walking towards her room. Your mind is racing at the same speed as your heartbeat now. There’s the room…and on the doorknob is a blindfold. You hesitate…take a deep breath and knock. “Hello you” comes the familiar voice from the other side of the door. “Put on the blindfold and I'll open the door. I have one on too.” You’re not sure…but it sounds like an adventure and you trust her, so you oblige. “I have it on” you respond and you hear the door open.

“I want us to be together without all the pressure of exterior trappings. Let’s use our other senses” she says. She takes your hand in hers and leads you into her room. Her touch is tender and comforting somehow, but her hand seems so tiny in comparison to yours. She holds both your hands for a moment then says “Please hold me close and let me feel you again. Let me smell you...” You embrace and you can smell her sweet perfume. Her body is soft and her warmth is almost overwhelming.

“I have waited for this moment for a very long time” she says, “So have I” you answer. You both hold each other close and just...breathe...finally.

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I didn't even realize when I wrote this how significant the blindfold was, it was just part of the story I had in my imagination. Now, looking back on it, I can see how I never could get myself to the point where I saw Rett - ever.

I guess I had a blindfold on during most of my journey with Rett.