Chapter 46 - From Hate to Love

Going from hate to love is one of the longest journeys you will ever take. It isn't a trip many people plan to go on. I hope you never have to take it, because that would mean that you would have suffered intense hurt and I wish that on no one.

There isn't much written material, even on the internet, about going from hate to love. There are numerous articles concerning going from love to hate...which speaks volumes. If it is so common to go from love to hate – then why not the reverse? What is so different about that path? Is it because it involves forgiveness? There has to be a step of forgiveness in between hate and love, but you can go directly from love to hate - no waiting.

It keeps coming back to forgiveness, everything is about forgiveness.

I'm not sure Rett ever totally understood what it took for me to forgive him. He took the act of me forgiving him lightly because he never comprehended what damage he had done to my life. When we would talk about it (almost always at my initiative) he would get very quiet and the part of Rett that I liked would be there. He would listen intently and offer some things to the conversation, but invariably he would change the topic. It was a place he wasn't comfortable being in. He has never really dealt with his issues around me - he has chosen to avoid them or re-write them. That is very unhealthy behaviour.

I did find this song written by Shania Twain titled "Hate to Love" and I think she captures the feelings so well with her words:

Hate to Love
by Shania Twain

Midnight sky shining on my face
I feel the waves embracing me
I'm here to find
Some peace of mind
Time and time
Waits for me
It waits for me, yeah

So here I am again
Somewhere in between
Hate to love
Trying to find reality
In a dream
Hate to love
I'm afraid to say I need someone like you
Hate to love
I hate to love

Faded photographs
Of a picture-perfect love
Locked inside this frame of mind
Forgiving true is a trust betrayed
If time heals all it left me behind
It left me behind

So here I am again
Somewhere in between
Hate to love
Trying to find reality
In a dream
Hate to love
I'm afraid to say I need someone like you
Hate to love
I hate to love

Loneliness and innocence
As you invade my heart
I love to hate the truth of love
It's tearing me apart

So here I am again
Somewhere in between
Hate to love
Trying to find reality
In a dream
Hate to love
I'm afraid to say I need someone like you
Hate to love
I hate to love

"I'm afraid to say I need someone like you", oh how true those words are. When you are forgiving someone, moving from hate to love, you have to trust them again. You have to trust yourself and take a huge leap off the edge of your comfort zone. You want to believe in the best of people's souls. You want to believe that people are innately good. I don't think I am different from most people. I so wanted to believe that Rett had changed.

I think he wanted to believe he had changed too. Or, he wanted me to believe he had changed. I wish I could understand his motivation for wanting to convince me of this. I had already forgiven him, so what could he possibly gain? Whatever his reasons were, I was there, ready, and willing to participate in the delicate dance of forgiveness, so that I could move out of the dark place of hatred.

I have been re-reading the e-mails, the early ones, trying to see where it moved from hate to love, and I can't see it, not from what I wrote. I liked him, or the Rett that he portrayed in his writing. He appeared to be a sensitive man. He would pay such close attention to what I wrote and would answer all my questions in depth. And I enjoyed his writing because he was serious but could still keep his sense of humour, a quality that not many people possess.

Falling out of hate with someone is a euphoric feeling. To accept that you will no longer harbor feelings of hatred lightens your soul. But, if you no longer hate them...what do you feel in its place? You are not indifferent to the person, so you have to fill that void with something. I started by filling it with 'like'. I liked Rett.

It had been so long since I had someone (male) in my life that I liked. I had been with my husband for almost 26 years, and the last too many years, I didn't like him, or the man he had become. I forgot how nice it was to have someone who understood me, someone who was on my side, and someone who I could share things with. Rett and I shared something that I couldn't share with anyone else, and I never will.

In my imagination, I have to admit, that I did allow myself to wonder what it would be like if Rett and I could become a couple - but then I would quickly dismiss the idea as being so absurd and unobtainable.

Then there he was telling me he had feelings for me - it was as if my dream was becoming a reality. It was unbelievable to me. I remember, after I got off the phone holding me face in my hands, and saying out loud "Oh my God!" and then thinking...did that really just happen?

So, I was on my way to love from hate...just in a blink of the eye, because I wanted to go there. I had opened up my hardened heart to allow it to feel again. My mind had told it..."it's okay, he's safe. He won't hurt you again."

For Rett, there wasn't all that hate to love thing going on. For him, it was, in my opinion, such a relief being forgiven that he just thought he'd play along...have some fun - play with me for a while, as long as it didn't interfere with his agenda and his life. He wasn't going through what I was. He had his own agenda.