Chapter 48 - The Anniversary

This week will be a difficult one for me. The anniversary of the day I had the abortion is quickly approaching and it is, for lack of a better, more profound word...sad. It is always sad. These are dates I would much rather forget, but our memories are not within our control, they rule us.

I have tried to forget, or not mark the day, but it is there permanently, forever. So what do I do about it? Do I go to bed and just wait for it to pass? Do I busy myself and try to distract my attention? Or do I find some special way to deal with it?

Not that it gets any better as time passes, but this year I am dreading it, like none other. The memories are so close to the surface this year that I have to find a way to cope. That's all I can do...cope.

At my therapist's appointment today, I had a mini breakthrough (of sorts). She told me that if I don't go 'there', I will never be able to get over all of this. So...I am stuck. I dread, fear going to that dark, bottomless pit because I am not sure I can climb back out, but my recovery hinges on it. So, what do I do?

It seems so hopeless sometimes, a vicious circle, a world without end. I know what I have to do, but I can't do it. My mind is terrified of letting go, and letting it all come out.

I have very little recollection of the months after the abortion. I remember the Christmas charade with my family, but what I remember, is not as a participant, but more as an observer, if that makes any sense. Other than that, I remember nothing. I have an excellent memory, so there is definitely a loss of time here, or my mind has somehow turned off that portion of time to protect me. All I remember is an overwhelming sense of loss - feelings, but no specific happenings - nothing.

I think that is what I fear about going back 'there', of opening up that Pandora's Box, what will happen to me? Can I cope?

In my mind, I had thought that Rett and I could somehow go 'there' together. For some reason, it wasn't as fearful for me, if I weren't there alone. I had imagined that together, we could find a way to mark the date with an observance of some sort. Perhaps we could take our tiny heart pendants and do something with them, together. But that will never happen, and that hurts my heart. I will have to find a way to pay homage on my own. I haven't figured out how yet...but it will come to me eventually.