November 28th
"Some choices we live not only once but a thousand times over, remembering them for the rest of our lives." - Richard Bach
Today is the saddest day of my life...it has always been the saddest day of my life...it will always be the saddest day of my life.
A dear friend, who is very spiritual in the true sense of the word, has suggested that writing a letter to my unborn child may help me sort through my feelings of guilt, and my inability to forgive myself. It has helped. I thought at first it was too private to share, but I have shared so much, why not this. It will then be permanently etched in the world of cyberspace as a testimony of my love.
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Dearest cherished Silas James,
I know how special you are to me, so God must have you snuggled up close, to help you feel my warmth. I want you to know how much I love you and miss you. Your father and I both love you and someday we will be there to wrap our arms around you and hold you close for eternity, as you are our only child.
I can see your curly auburn hair wrapped around your sweet face, and your heart shaped lips just waiting for our kisses...and those dimples...they are just God's thumbprints from holding your face so tightly in her hands. I can hear your giggle as you are making the other angels laugh - seeing the humour in every day. You are clever like your father and have his eyes, dark and intense. Your ears are like mine...tiny, with your curls tucked behind. Your complexion is like mine too, soft and smooth, and your cheeks are rosy red. You smell like a baby...you never lost that smell. You are loving, kind and considerate of others.
My grandfather, grandmother and my aunt are with you, and they are keeping you company until I get there. They see so many similarities in you to their lost son and brother. They hug you tightly when you need comforting.
I need you to know that although I didn't hold you for very long, I have held you in my heart forever, and you are so loved.
We never had harsh words, or arguments, or time-outs, or fights about bedtime, or complaints about keeping the car out too late, but we have talked and shared everything. You are in my thoughts every day, each one wrapped with a hug and a kiss.
You are an angel...you are my angel, you are our angel, and we shall love you forever.
Lots of love, hugs, and kisses - enough for a lifetime,
Mom
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This has been the hardest letter I have ever written, and each word is marked with a teardrop.
I wish I could share this letter with Rett. We should have written it together, and perhaps in some way we did.
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4 comments:
Annette this is a truly awesome letter - and you are an awesome woman. I can just see your aunt holding Silas James - she loved babies and will be so gentle with him...and you know, when I lost my husband, she (EJFH) told me that in some mysterious way we were already together in whatever mystery lies beyond because time is only our human way of making sense of things. she was/is a very smart woman.
from a bag lady wannabe, thank you for your bravery
This is my favortie chapter of all. It made me cry. You are such a courageaous women. Take care.
I am moved beyond words. And I am so very proud of you.
Thank you all for your kind words.
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