I just realized that what I described is a type of unconditional love. Yet another "Ah Ha" moment in my life.
Odd, I had never thought about that before. It is not a romantic kind of love, in my mind, but something more than that, if that makes any sense. It has nothing to do with dating or sex, but it is deeper and more profound than that. It is from one soul to another. It can transcend time and space, therefore being more on a metaphysical level than a physical level.
But how do you explain this to someone? It is a bit like explaining the existence of God. How do you make someone understand? And how wonderful would it feel to have that type of love returned? What a gift that would be.
There is no way to escape it or run away from it or forget it, because it is always with you. And as much as it hurts when unconditional love isn't returned, eventually you get to a place where you accept it - you stop fighting it. I have faith in my unconditional love because it comes from a place of goodness, and whether it is returned or not, does not diminish the love.
There is a line from the new Eagles song "Waiting in the Weeds", and it says "If love is just a dance, proximity and chance, you will excuse me if I skip the masquerade." That is how I feel about love. I don't want to play the 'game' of love anymore. Love isn't about just finding 'someone' to spend time with, someone who I am attracted to physically, who happens to be close - that is lust. Love has to be more than that.
I am who I am and I like myself, with all my quirks and foibles, and if someone can not accept me, it really is their loss. I know that I am capable of unconditional love and I am unwilling to have any other type now. It would feel as if I were settling - and I just can't do that again.
Rett represents something in my life that I am sure very few people understand. As I said in the last chapter, he is tied to a special place in my heart, and he will always be a part of my life. My friends dislike him for what he has done to me, and I know they would prefer if I hated him, but I have done that and it is self-destructive. Now that I understand what my feelings are for him, and why they are - I can live with that.
My heart will always be open to him, if he should ever wish to enter. There would be no questions asked, no excuses needed. That is how it is and will always be. I tried to tell him that, to make him understand, but he was not in a place where he was willing to hear, he was too busy looking for the Exit sign, too afraid that he was going to get hurt.
This jouney has been a struggle at times. I have written some horrible details about Rett, and I have analyzed him, and yes…even judged him. It has been all part of my journey, and I couldn't have gotten to this point without going through all of that. I have dealt with the hurt, the hate, the revenge…the plotting and the scheming and the wanting and the needing (there's that word again). Now all I want is peace, and love as I go forward with a healthy heart and head.
My theologian friend said to me in the first e-mail she sent, something so simple. She said "I will pray for you, and for your child…and I will pray for Rett." I knew immediately that she, more than my friends, family and therapist, knew how I felt about Rett. I want only the best for him, I want him to be happy and safe, because he is special to me.
I wish Rett could understand
Monday, December 24, 2007
Chapter 66 - I Knew Him
Rett accused me of not knowing him, and he was partially right. I didn't know the every day things about him, the mundane things like whether he preferred coffee or tea, or if he were a morning person or a night owl. I didn't know the details about his life - how could I? I only knew what he shared and what I could derive from what he wrote, and how he wrote. But I wanted to get to know him. I wanted to know all about him - good and bad. He didn't have to pretend with me.
Often when we meet someone new we put our best foot forward, mould ourselves to fit into what we think the other person wants. We very rarely are our true selves until we have known the person for a while. We want to connect with the other person, so we bend the truth of ourselves a bit, to fit in, to be accepted.
Rett and I didn't have to do this. I knew him. I knew the darkness in his soul, and I wanted to find out why it was there. What had caused him to be dark? And he was dark. I have seen it, and heard it. Even his voice changes when he is behaving from that side of his personality. But where does it come from? I wanted to know.
He lashes out and blames when he feels threatened, and he dislikes this about himself. He has boundaries (and speaks of them often), but are the boundaries there to protect him or to keep people out, to keep them at a safe distance so that he doesn't get hurt?
He has been hurt. And it is the kind of hurt that goes to the core, where the nerve endings are exposed. The kind of hurt that only comes from someone he loved and trusted - deeply, who betrayed or abused him. It could have been a relative or a spouse, but it had to be someone very close to his heart.
Rett is innately a tender-hearted, caring, compassionate person, who loves to love, and be loved. He is witty and so very bright, and he is deep, so deep that the waters of his soul are black. This is where the hurt is stored, in those deep waters, and he will do anything to protect his soul from being hurt again - even if it means hurting someone else. It is his survival technique, and it works for him. But at what cost?
Every once in a while, he would let me peak into the waters, and it was so worth the wait. I would have waited forever to get to know him, letting him take his time, to build up his trust. I know how it feels, because that is something he and I share. We are more alike than he will ever know.
What Rett didn't know, or didn't trust, was that I would never have hurt him. I would have protected him, just like I have protected him all these years. He is tied to a special place in my heart, and I can not change that - no matter what he says or does, or how hard I try to forget. It was safe with me. He could have let all those barriers down and let me in, and by doing so, free himself.
Oh, yes, I knew him.
Often when we meet someone new we put our best foot forward, mould ourselves to fit into what we think the other person wants. We very rarely are our true selves until we have known the person for a while. We want to connect with the other person, so we bend the truth of ourselves a bit, to fit in, to be accepted.
Rett and I didn't have to do this. I knew him. I knew the darkness in his soul, and I wanted to find out why it was there. What had caused him to be dark? And he was dark. I have seen it, and heard it. Even his voice changes when he is behaving from that side of his personality. But where does it come from? I wanted to know.
He lashes out and blames when he feels threatened, and he dislikes this about himself. He has boundaries (and speaks of them often), but are the boundaries there to protect him or to keep people out, to keep them at a safe distance so that he doesn't get hurt?
He has been hurt. And it is the kind of hurt that goes to the core, where the nerve endings are exposed. The kind of hurt that only comes from someone he loved and trusted - deeply, who betrayed or abused him. It could have been a relative or a spouse, but it had to be someone very close to his heart.
Rett is innately a tender-hearted, caring, compassionate person, who loves to love, and be loved. He is witty and so very bright, and he is deep, so deep that the waters of his soul are black. This is where the hurt is stored, in those deep waters, and he will do anything to protect his soul from being hurt again - even if it means hurting someone else. It is his survival technique, and it works for him. But at what cost?
Every once in a while, he would let me peak into the waters, and it was so worth the wait. I would have waited forever to get to know him, letting him take his time, to build up his trust. I know how it feels, because that is something he and I share. We are more alike than he will ever know.
What Rett didn't know, or didn't trust, was that I would never have hurt him. I would have protected him, just like I have protected him all these years. He is tied to a special place in my heart, and I can not change that - no matter what he says or does, or how hard I try to forget. It was safe with me. He could have let all those barriers down and let me in, and by doing so, free himself.
Oh, yes, I knew him.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Chapter 65 - The Keepsake
I bought a present for Rett when things were going well. It arrived after things went awry, and it is something that only he can use. While we were talking on the phone, he shared with me that he was going to buy a kilt, not just a kilt, but the whole outfit, and when he says everything…he means it.
Being the person that I am, I took note of this, and I thought "I'll bet he won't think to buy a kilt pin." I am Scottish too, so I know about these things, and I know where to shop to find the best. So I set about to find him a high-quality pin for his kilt. I know that his clan has their own coat of arms, and hence I found a sterling silver pin with his coat of arms on it. I ordered it because it was the perfect gift. It also has his clan motto on it "Repairer of Ruins", ironic don't you think.
So, what do I do with it? I can not give it to anyone else. I can not throw it away.
For now, I put it in my jewelry box with my special mementos, and some day…maybe for his 50th birthday, I will send it to him - anonymously. It makes no sense for me to keep it, as it will only make me sad to look at it.
I like having someone to buy thoughtful gifts for, and they are not a token of love nor is there a need for them to be reciprocated. I just like to give gifts. I listen to what people say, so finding the perfect gift has never been difficult for me.
It is unusual when someone finds the perfect gift for me. I rarely ask for things, and detest when someone asks me what I want for my birthday, or for Christmas, because to me, that means that they haven't been listening to me…or they haven't heard me…or they don't know me. You shouldn't have to ask someone what they want…you should know.
Being the person that I am, I took note of this, and I thought "I'll bet he won't think to buy a kilt pin." I am Scottish too, so I know about these things, and I know where to shop to find the best. So I set about to find him a high-quality pin for his kilt. I know that his clan has their own coat of arms, and hence I found a sterling silver pin with his coat of arms on it. I ordered it because it was the perfect gift. It also has his clan motto on it "Repairer of Ruins", ironic don't you think.
So, what do I do with it? I can not give it to anyone else. I can not throw it away.
For now, I put it in my jewelry box with my special mementos, and some day…maybe for his 50th birthday, I will send it to him - anonymously. It makes no sense for me to keep it, as it will only make me sad to look at it.
I like having someone to buy thoughtful gifts for, and they are not a token of love nor is there a need for them to be reciprocated. I just like to give gifts. I listen to what people say, so finding the perfect gift has never been difficult for me.
It is unusual when someone finds the perfect gift for me. I rarely ask for things, and detest when someone asks me what I want for my birthday, or for Christmas, because to me, that means that they haven't been listening to me…or they haven't heard me…or they don't know me. You shouldn't have to ask someone what they want…you should know.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Chapter 64 - What do men think?
What do men think? (Funny when I typed this, I put mean instead of men - Freudian slip.) I would be curious to spend a day inside a man's head. I know that we are as different as night and day...Venus and Mars. I'm just so inquisitive about how their thought process works.
Women, tend to think too much, in my humble opinion. Before we react we think about the consequences of our actions, and what we say. We don't wait to see what will happen, we think about it before it even occurs. We always have other's feelings in mind. What would 'they' think if I did this - or if I said ‘that’ I would hurt ‘so and so's’ feelings.
And if you happen to put your needs first, think of yourself without taking into consideration others - then the guilt starts. They are going to think I am so selfish. How dare I think of me first?! You just can't win.
Women are nurtures by nature - that is their lot in life – to care for others. But when do we get a chance to take care of ourselves – our needs? Isn’t it only fair that we have a chance to do what we want? Find out who we are and what we like? Why do we have to do all the caring?
But men are innately selfish. It is not something that they become over the years. They are born like that. It is part of their survival instinct. There is no guilt for them. And if we are so lucky to find a male who doesn't think of himself and his needs first - we assume he must be gay. No winning for them either.
I want to understand. I’m not male-bashing here (although it may sound like it). I truly want to know how the male psyche works. I have spent the last several months fruitlessly seeking answers as to why Rett treated me as he did. I will likely go to my grave still asking the same questions.
My therapist has no answers, no one has answers. In order for me to let this go, I NEED to understand what he was thinking, and I suppose once I have the answer to that I will want to know why he did what he did. Why would one human being hurt another? What could the possible payback be for that?
I wish that I could just be more like a man...just for one day.
Women, tend to think too much, in my humble opinion. Before we react we think about the consequences of our actions, and what we say. We don't wait to see what will happen, we think about it before it even occurs. We always have other's feelings in mind. What would 'they' think if I did this - or if I said ‘that’ I would hurt ‘so and so's’ feelings.
And if you happen to put your needs first, think of yourself without taking into consideration others - then the guilt starts. They are going to think I am so selfish. How dare I think of me first?! You just can't win.
Women are nurtures by nature - that is their lot in life – to care for others. But when do we get a chance to take care of ourselves – our needs? Isn’t it only fair that we have a chance to do what we want? Find out who we are and what we like? Why do we have to do all the caring?
But men are innately selfish. It is not something that they become over the years. They are born like that. It is part of their survival instinct. There is no guilt for them. And if we are so lucky to find a male who doesn't think of himself and his needs first - we assume he must be gay. No winning for them either.
I want to understand. I’m not male-bashing here (although it may sound like it). I truly want to know how the male psyche works. I have spent the last several months fruitlessly seeking answers as to why Rett treated me as he did. I will likely go to my grave still asking the same questions.
My therapist has no answers, no one has answers. In order for me to let this go, I NEED to understand what he was thinking, and I suppose once I have the answer to that I will want to know why he did what he did. Why would one human being hurt another? What could the possible payback be for that?
I wish that I could just be more like a man...just for one day.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Chapter 63 - Dreams
No one prepares you for the aftermath of an abortion. There are no hand-outs for potential symptoms or expectations of how you might feel. There are no follow-up appointments. There is nothing. You are discarded and ignored because of what you have done. It may be different now, but twenty six years ago, that's how it was.
When a woman has a miscarriage, people gather around her to help her through her trauma. They offer advice and concern, and they are kind and considerate. They share their stories of their experiences. Sometimes there are even religious services to pay tribute to the lost child.
After I came home from the hospital, I had symptoms, but I wasn't sure if they were normal or not…but I had no one to ask…no one to share…no one to help. I felt so awfully empty.
And I had dreams of my baby, vivid dreams. I remember shortly after the abortion, having one dream in particular. I was in the hospital and someone brought my baby to me. I remember it so clearly.
He was all tightly wrapped in a blanket and I delicately uncovered him, like a precious gift, ever so carefully. I remember checking his fingers and toes, and then putting my index finger in the palm of his hand, and his tiny, long fingers closed around mine. I could feel his warm body in my arm as I reached down to kiss his forehead and smell his head – oh that smell – a mixture of baby powder and fresh baby. I remember him opening his dark eyes and looking directly into mine, as we were bonding. If I close my eyes, I can still feel him in my arms.
It is odd, but over the years I have always dreamed of him, and he has aged as any child. He has been growing up in my mind. Each dream would show me what he would be like at different milestones in his life.
I remember another dream I had of his first day of school and the aching in my heart as I put this tiny innocent child on a bus and watched as he slowly went out of my view. I can see the outfit that I had so carefully chosen for him to wear – blue cords with a light blue shirt – he looked so grown-up, yet so small. I remember him looking back at me as he took those tentative first steps onto the school bus steps, looking for the reassurance that it would be okay without me for the first time.
God he looked like his father. He was taller than most children his age, and he certainly didn't get that from me. His hair was still auburn (from Rett), curly and thick,…that was from me. He had my temperament – easy going, and he loved to laugh.
In the beginning these dreams would haunt me, terrify me because I thought I was losing my mind. After a few years I would welcome them because they were 'normal' by then. It brought me some peace as I watched Silas grow.
Rett was never in these dreams.
I guess it is all part of the aftermath.
When a woman has a miscarriage, people gather around her to help her through her trauma. They offer advice and concern, and they are kind and considerate. They share their stories of their experiences. Sometimes there are even religious services to pay tribute to the lost child.
After I came home from the hospital, I had symptoms, but I wasn't sure if they were normal or not…but I had no one to ask…no one to share…no one to help. I felt so awfully empty.
And I had dreams of my baby, vivid dreams. I remember shortly after the abortion, having one dream in particular. I was in the hospital and someone brought my baby to me. I remember it so clearly.
He was all tightly wrapped in a blanket and I delicately uncovered him, like a precious gift, ever so carefully. I remember checking his fingers and toes, and then putting my index finger in the palm of his hand, and his tiny, long fingers closed around mine. I could feel his warm body in my arm as I reached down to kiss his forehead and smell his head – oh that smell – a mixture of baby powder and fresh baby. I remember him opening his dark eyes and looking directly into mine, as we were bonding. If I close my eyes, I can still feel him in my arms.
It is odd, but over the years I have always dreamed of him, and he has aged as any child. He has been growing up in my mind. Each dream would show me what he would be like at different milestones in his life.
I remember another dream I had of his first day of school and the aching in my heart as I put this tiny innocent child on a bus and watched as he slowly went out of my view. I can see the outfit that I had so carefully chosen for him to wear – blue cords with a light blue shirt – he looked so grown-up, yet so small. I remember him looking back at me as he took those tentative first steps onto the school bus steps, looking for the reassurance that it would be okay without me for the first time.
God he looked like his father. He was taller than most children his age, and he certainly didn't get that from me. His hair was still auburn (from Rett), curly and thick,…that was from me. He had my temperament – easy going, and he loved to laugh.
In the beginning these dreams would haunt me, terrify me because I thought I was losing my mind. After a few years I would welcome them because they were 'normal' by then. It brought me some peace as I watched Silas grow.
Rett was never in these dreams.
I guess it is all part of the aftermath.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Chapter 62 - To myself
I think I am ready to write that letter to myself that I have been procrastinating about. It is a letter from my 50 year old self to my 24 year old self to help her make her decision. Such as it is here it is...
Dear Annette.
I am so very sorry that you are going through this trauma. You have asked me for my advice, so such as it is, here it is.
I know that you are confused, hurt and so torn with your limited choices, but you need to take time to think. Try to imagine your life with each of your choices; one choice is to have the baby, and the other is to have an abortion. Right now you are thinking from a near-sighted perspective, because that's all you can do, and that is understandable. But take a minute or a day, and wear each decision as if you had already made it.
First (no particular order here) think about what will happen if you have the abortion. Will Rett be there to help you through that day or those days? How will you feel about your decision in a week, in a month, in a year…in 25 years. Do you want children? Will this decision impair your ability to have children in the future? If you don't have children, will this haunt you?
On the other hand, if you have the child, will Rett be there to help you? Will you get your family's support? How will you and the baby survive? Will it impede your career? Are you ready to go through a pregnancy alone? Are you prepared to raise the child alone if Rett does not support you?
Okay, so far all I have done is raise the questions that I am sure you have already gone through, or maybe not. You are really not in a frame of mind to be making decisions - life altering decisions, on your own. You have been lied to, taken advantage of, and left to make a horrible choice on your own. You shouldn't have to make that choice by yourself, because - you are not responsible for this.
I want you to understand that Rett has sole-responsibility for the situation you find yourself in - it is not your fault. It is unfortunate that he is unwilling to help - it is a shame that he could not take a minute and think of how horrid this is for you.
You are a strong, capable woman, and this will not be the defining moment of your life. Whatever you choose will be the right decision. I have faith in your ability to overcome this, and to move on with your life in the positive manner that you greet every challenge, because that is who you are.
As for Rett, it is his loss for not helping you, for not sharing with you in this difficult time. He will have to answer for his choices. It is also his loss for not taking the time to see what a wonderful human being you are, and his behaviour towards you - does not define you. You are so much better than that.
No matter what you choose, I will always love you.
Dear Annette.
I am so very sorry that you are going through this trauma. You have asked me for my advice, so such as it is, here it is.
I know that you are confused, hurt and so torn with your limited choices, but you need to take time to think. Try to imagine your life with each of your choices; one choice is to have the baby, and the other is to have an abortion. Right now you are thinking from a near-sighted perspective, because that's all you can do, and that is understandable. But take a minute or a day, and wear each decision as if you had already made it.
First (no particular order here) think about what will happen if you have the abortion. Will Rett be there to help you through that day or those days? How will you feel about your decision in a week, in a month, in a year…in 25 years. Do you want children? Will this decision impair your ability to have children in the future? If you don't have children, will this haunt you?
On the other hand, if you have the child, will Rett be there to help you? Will you get your family's support? How will you and the baby survive? Will it impede your career? Are you ready to go through a pregnancy alone? Are you prepared to raise the child alone if Rett does not support you?
Okay, so far all I have done is raise the questions that I am sure you have already gone through, or maybe not. You are really not in a frame of mind to be making decisions - life altering decisions, on your own. You have been lied to, taken advantage of, and left to make a horrible choice on your own. You shouldn't have to make that choice by yourself, because - you are not responsible for this.
I want you to understand that Rett has sole-responsibility for the situation you find yourself in - it is not your fault. It is unfortunate that he is unwilling to help - it is a shame that he could not take a minute and think of how horrid this is for you.
You are a strong, capable woman, and this will not be the defining moment of your life. Whatever you choose will be the right decision. I have faith in your ability to overcome this, and to move on with your life in the positive manner that you greet every challenge, because that is who you are.
As for Rett, it is his loss for not helping you, for not sharing with you in this difficult time. He will have to answer for his choices. It is also his loss for not taking the time to see what a wonderful human being you are, and his behaviour towards you - does not define you. You are so much better than that.
No matter what you choose, I will always love you.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Chapter 61 - Who am I?
I have been writing for months, but I really haven't spoken about who I am. I have talked at length about how I feel and what was done to me, but who am I?
Rett never really asked me questions about who I was. Was it because he didn't care to know or was he afraid to know - afraid to know the impact my short encounter with him had on my life?
I am funny, so much so that I can make people laugh with just a look, because they know I am thinking up something good. I amuse people constantly, and that is part of the reason why people like to work for me, and with me. I try to make each day pleasant.
As hard as I work, I want to enjoy the hours that I put in. I am quick, not just with my wit, but with insight. I can see the big picture of most scenarios, and that has made me a valued employee. I am known for my integrity and fair-mindedness, another reason why I have a great network of friends and colleagues.
Family is high on my priority list. We are not a large family, but we are close - cousins are included like brothers and sisters. We take care of one another and share our woes and our joys.
Over the last several years we have had some losses in our family, members with whom I was close. My grandmother was one of them. She and I became close after my grandfather passed away years ago. When she fell and broke her hip, it was the start of her demise. She later developped a gall bladder problem and they had to operate. At her age, any operation was dangerous, so I went home to be with her. She never fully recovered from her operation and passed away six weeks after. She was in an induced coma most of the time.
On the day that she passed into the next life, she regained consciousness just long enough to look into my eyes. She looked at me so deeply, like she was looking into my soul - as if she knew all. There was sadness in her eyes, like I had somehow failed her. I knew she knew my secret. It broke my heart - that look will never fade from my memory.
I wish I had the chance to explain to her, tell her my story, but I suspect she knows it all now and perhaps understands better. I pray she does.
Who am I - I am the culmination of all those who have gone before me. I am the sum of their parts. I am the totality of all my experiences – scars et al. I am the happiness derived from others. I hope I am the joy in someone else's day.
That is who I am.
Rett never really asked me questions about who I was. Was it because he didn't care to know or was he afraid to know - afraid to know the impact my short encounter with him had on my life?
I am funny, so much so that I can make people laugh with just a look, because they know I am thinking up something good. I amuse people constantly, and that is part of the reason why people like to work for me, and with me. I try to make each day pleasant.
As hard as I work, I want to enjoy the hours that I put in. I am quick, not just with my wit, but with insight. I can see the big picture of most scenarios, and that has made me a valued employee. I am known for my integrity and fair-mindedness, another reason why I have a great network of friends and colleagues.
Family is high on my priority list. We are not a large family, but we are close - cousins are included like brothers and sisters. We take care of one another and share our woes and our joys.
Over the last several years we have had some losses in our family, members with whom I was close. My grandmother was one of them. She and I became close after my grandfather passed away years ago. When she fell and broke her hip, it was the start of her demise. She later developped a gall bladder problem and they had to operate. At her age, any operation was dangerous, so I went home to be with her. She never fully recovered from her operation and passed away six weeks after. She was in an induced coma most of the time.
On the day that she passed into the next life, she regained consciousness just long enough to look into my eyes. She looked at me so deeply, like she was looking into my soul - as if she knew all. There was sadness in her eyes, like I had somehow failed her. I knew she knew my secret. It broke my heart - that look will never fade from my memory.
I wish I had the chance to explain to her, tell her my story, but I suspect she knows it all now and perhaps understands better. I pray she does.
Who am I - I am the culmination of all those who have gone before me. I am the sum of their parts. I am the totality of all my experiences – scars et al. I am the happiness derived from others. I hope I am the joy in someone else's day.
That is who I am.
Monday, December 17, 2007
How many tears?
How many tears do you have to cry
Before the hurt will subside?
How many times do you get hurt
Before you get off the ride?
How many times do you tell your story
Before it sounds just right?
How many times do you forgive others
Before you see the light?
How many times do you give love
Before you get some in return?
How many times do you say "Never again"
Before you say "It's my turn"?
How many hearts have to be broken
Before you find the right one?
How many tears must you cry
Before you are finally done?
Before the hurt will subside?
How many times do you get hurt
Before you get off the ride?
How many times do you tell your story
Before it sounds just right?
How many times do you forgive others
Before you see the light?
How many times do you give love
Before you get some in return?
How many times do you say "Never again"
Before you say "It's my turn"?
How many hearts have to be broken
Before you find the right one?
How many tears must you cry
Before you are finally done?
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Chapter 60 - How long?
How long does hurt last?
How long does the aching that goes all the way into the absolute centre of your soul last? I never understood what heartache was until now. It is a pain so intense that it will bring you to your knees and make you beg for it to stop. It starts in your heart and slowly permeates every fibre of your being until it lands in your eyes and then the tears start to flow.
It is intense and incessant, and there is no relief, no magic pill that will erase it. It just goes on and on, until you give into it and allow it to envelop you. Then it subsides for a period of time until the next round. You gather all your strength to face the inevitable next round; trying to keep your sanity and to survive.
Each time you succeed at making it through, you feel triumphant, like you have beaten a demon, but it is a demon that dwells within your own soul. How could something that felt so good, turn into something so horrid?
How can you let yourself love again after this type of hurt and humiliation? I suppose hurt is a bit like child-birth, in that, the joy will eventually erases all the memory of the pain. I find that hard to believe. I never forgot about the pain from my first encounter with Rett, and there was no love there. But I was young and more pliable, now I am old and rigid or fragile.
It has been over two months since my last interaction with Rett...seems like longer. I still have a voice mail message that he left me late in August, and when I am in the depths of one of those episodes, I listen to it. He sounds so light and carefree and "with" me, so unlike the last time we spoke. But it gets me through the night.
I suppose that soon, I will listen to it less frequently. I will re-read his nicer e-mails less, and I will eventually not check for e-mails from him. I'm not sure what I expect when I check, but I guess I still am in denial or shock. It all happened so quickly, and came out of nowhere that I can't fully believe he is gone. My heart still hasn't accepted it as much as my head has. My heart is always lagging behind because it held him much closer than my head ever did.
A long time...that's all I can say...a long time...
How long does the aching that goes all the way into the absolute centre of your soul last? I never understood what heartache was until now. It is a pain so intense that it will bring you to your knees and make you beg for it to stop. It starts in your heart and slowly permeates every fibre of your being until it lands in your eyes and then the tears start to flow.
It is intense and incessant, and there is no relief, no magic pill that will erase it. It just goes on and on, until you give into it and allow it to envelop you. Then it subsides for a period of time until the next round. You gather all your strength to face the inevitable next round; trying to keep your sanity and to survive.
Each time you succeed at making it through, you feel triumphant, like you have beaten a demon, but it is a demon that dwells within your own soul. How could something that felt so good, turn into something so horrid?
How can you let yourself love again after this type of hurt and humiliation? I suppose hurt is a bit like child-birth, in that, the joy will eventually erases all the memory of the pain. I find that hard to believe. I never forgot about the pain from my first encounter with Rett, and there was no love there. But I was young and more pliable, now I am old and rigid or fragile.
It has been over two months since my last interaction with Rett...seems like longer. I still have a voice mail message that he left me late in August, and when I am in the depths of one of those episodes, I listen to it. He sounds so light and carefree and "with" me, so unlike the last time we spoke. But it gets me through the night.
I suppose that soon, I will listen to it less frequently. I will re-read his nicer e-mails less, and I will eventually not check for e-mails from him. I'm not sure what I expect when I check, but I guess I still am in denial or shock. It all happened so quickly, and came out of nowhere that I can't fully believe he is gone. My heart still hasn't accepted it as much as my head has. My heart is always lagging behind because it held him much closer than my head ever did.
A long time...that's all I can say...a long time...
Chapter 59 - We are not alone
It is storming again. We are having the worst weather this year - snow, snow and more snow. I hate winter, and actually it's not even winter yet, that doesn't arrive until the 21st of December.
It is as if the god's are working against me by making this winter the harshest ever. All I think about is how nice the weather is where Rett is, and how much I would prefer to be there. If we were having a milder winter my thoughts wouldn't go there as much.
I wonder if he thinks of me at all. I wonder if my name crosses his mind when he sees something that reminds him of me. I wonder if he regrets what he did. Of course not. That would mean that I actually meant something to him. So again, I am the one holding the memories. It is a heavy load to carry alone.
The other night I was feeling lost and lonely, and so very tired of it all. I did my normal ritual to try and shake the feeling, I cried - not just shed a tear or two, but a weeping from deep within your soul until you are so tired that you sleep.
I went up to bed and lay there exhausted and I said out loud "I can't do this anymore. I need someone to help me carry this." Then I lay my head on the pillow and took a deep breath, giving in to the feelings. As I lay there I thought of my grandmother and my aunt who have already passed into the 'other' life and I could feel them close to me. They were beside me in bed, spooning with me, holding me close and comforting me - just as I had envisioned them comforting Silas. I was not alone, we are never alone.
It got me through the night to face another day.
It is as if the god's are working against me by making this winter the harshest ever. All I think about is how nice the weather is where Rett is, and how much I would prefer to be there. If we were having a milder winter my thoughts wouldn't go there as much.
I wonder if he thinks of me at all. I wonder if my name crosses his mind when he sees something that reminds him of me. I wonder if he regrets what he did. Of course not. That would mean that I actually meant something to him. So again, I am the one holding the memories. It is a heavy load to carry alone.
The other night I was feeling lost and lonely, and so very tired of it all. I did my normal ritual to try and shake the feeling, I cried - not just shed a tear or two, but a weeping from deep within your soul until you are so tired that you sleep.
I went up to bed and lay there exhausted and I said out loud "I can't do this anymore. I need someone to help me carry this." Then I lay my head on the pillow and took a deep breath, giving in to the feelings. As I lay there I thought of my grandmother and my aunt who have already passed into the 'other' life and I could feel them close to me. They were beside me in bed, spooning with me, holding me close and comforting me - just as I had envisioned them comforting Silas. I was not alone, we are never alone.
It got me through the night to face another day.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Chapter 58 - What am I looking for?
I have been contemplating dating again, not right now, but at some point in the future. I know that I am not ready to be seeing anyone yet because my wounds are still too exposed. But I have to say it is a frightening proposition. It has been so long since I have been single; I don't think I know how to go about it anymore.
How does one get back on that horse (excuse the image here)? How does one get started? How do you get your nerve back?
I know that the bar-scene isn't for me. Been there, done that. It really isn't the proper place to meet anyone because you really don't want to date someone who frequents bars - or at least I don't. But liquor does help break the ice, and loosen you up enough to jump off the cliff of dating.
Someone suggested that I take a course in something that interests me, and that sounded safer. Then if I met someone, at least we would have something in common. Perhaps a writing course would be a good choice.
But then the questions started in my head...what am I looking for? What type of man am I interested in seeing? Do I have a type? These are questions I have never really asked myself before. I have never really dated, or actively looked for someone.
I know that I prefer tall man even though I am vertically challenged. I like intelligent man, who can carry on a conversation other than one that deals with sports or computers. He must have a quick wit. I like a man who is not afraid to show his emotions, but is not a hot-head. It would be nice if they were close to their family as I am. And they have to be clean. But beyond that...I don't have a preference.
I never saw myself looking for someone at my age, but here I am. It isn't easy meeting someone. I am extremely shy and introverted, so putting myself 'out there' will be a challenge.
But I can't imagine spending the remainder of my life alone, because I think that I can bring much joy and happiness to another human being. I'm not looking for a husband anymore, just someone to spend time with, to share with...to have fun and enjoy life.
What a simple concept!
But I’m not ready yet…I have to heal first.
How does one get back on that horse (excuse the image here)? How does one get started? How do you get your nerve back?
I know that the bar-scene isn't for me. Been there, done that. It really isn't the proper place to meet anyone because you really don't want to date someone who frequents bars - or at least I don't. But liquor does help break the ice, and loosen you up enough to jump off the cliff of dating.
Someone suggested that I take a course in something that interests me, and that sounded safer. Then if I met someone, at least we would have something in common. Perhaps a writing course would be a good choice.
But then the questions started in my head...what am I looking for? What type of man am I interested in seeing? Do I have a type? These are questions I have never really asked myself before. I have never really dated, or actively looked for someone.
I know that I prefer tall man even though I am vertically challenged. I like intelligent man, who can carry on a conversation other than one that deals with sports or computers. He must have a quick wit. I like a man who is not afraid to show his emotions, but is not a hot-head. It would be nice if they were close to their family as I am. And they have to be clean. But beyond that...I don't have a preference.
I never saw myself looking for someone at my age, but here I am. It isn't easy meeting someone. I am extremely shy and introverted, so putting myself 'out there' will be a challenge.
But I can't imagine spending the remainder of my life alone, because I think that I can bring much joy and happiness to another human being. I'm not looking for a husband anymore, just someone to spend time with, to share with...to have fun and enjoy life.
What a simple concept!
But I’m not ready yet…I have to heal first.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Chapter 57 - Ten Thousand Times
I can feel Rett slipping away from me, and I have to say my feelings are ambiguous. I know that you probably don't understand this, but that is how it feels. I still miss him and what he brought to my life, or more specifically what he represented in my life. When something has been around you, pretty much 24/7 for nine (just realized the significance of that) months, you'd miss it too.
On the positive side - he is not occupying my thoughts all the time, it just comes in short waves now, unlike two months ago when it was tsunami-like. They still are overwhelming, but they don't knock me down. It is the oddest thing, because there is no warning, no provocation, they are just there. But they are fewer and farther between.
The co-incidences are still happening, but I am able to embrace them now. On Tuesday night, I was out Christmas shopping with a friend, and I needed Christmas cards. I saw that they were 50% off, so I went over to investigate. There right in front of me amongst all the choices was a box with a cardinal on the front - first one I saw. I had to buy them because...it was meant to be.
On the negative side - he is slipping away, and I will be alone again with my memories, and that makes me sad. It always feels better when you have someone to share your memories. I know my friends are growing weary of my stories and soon I will have to stop, and it is a conscious act, not sub-conscious one. Your mind starts to think of something you want to share and you think "No, that's enough...they have heard it all before."
A friend of mine recently told me that you have to share (with people you feel safe) your story of great grief, at least ten thousand times. She was of course exaggerating, but she meant you have to tell it as many times, as you have to, until you feel better. The greater the grief, the greater number of times you need to share.
Ten thousand sounds about right.
On the positive side - he is not occupying my thoughts all the time, it just comes in short waves now, unlike two months ago when it was tsunami-like. They still are overwhelming, but they don't knock me down. It is the oddest thing, because there is no warning, no provocation, they are just there. But they are fewer and farther between.
The co-incidences are still happening, but I am able to embrace them now. On Tuesday night, I was out Christmas shopping with a friend, and I needed Christmas cards. I saw that they were 50% off, so I went over to investigate. There right in front of me amongst all the choices was a box with a cardinal on the front - first one I saw. I had to buy them because...it was meant to be.
On the negative side - he is slipping away, and I will be alone again with my memories, and that makes me sad. It always feels better when you have someone to share your memories. I know my friends are growing weary of my stories and soon I will have to stop, and it is a conscious act, not sub-conscious one. Your mind starts to think of something you want to share and you think "No, that's enough...they have heard it all before."
A friend of mine recently told me that you have to share (with people you feel safe) your story of great grief, at least ten thousand times. She was of course exaggerating, but she meant you have to tell it as many times, as you have to, until you feel better. The greater the grief, the greater number of times you need to share.
Ten thousand sounds about right.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Chapter 56 - Wait without thought
Someone I know shared this T.S. Eliot quote with me today, and I think it speaks to how I have been feeling these last few months. I am not sure I fully understand the quote, but it has touched something inside my soul and I have to share it with you.
"Dark, dark dark
I said to my soul "be still and let the dark come upon you, which shall be the darkness of God"
I said to my soul
"be still, and wait without hope
for hope would be for the wrong thing
and wait without love
for love would be love of the wrong thing
there is yet faith
but the faith and the love and the hope
are all in waiting
wait without thought
for you are not ready for thought
so the darkness shall be light
and the stillness the dancing"
TS Eliot
What do you think it means?
"Dark, dark dark
I said to my soul "be still and let the dark come upon you, which shall be the darkness of God"
I said to my soul
"be still, and wait without hope
for hope would be for the wrong thing
and wait without love
for love would be love of the wrong thing
there is yet faith
but the faith and the love and the hope
are all in waiting
wait without thought
for you are not ready for thought
so the darkness shall be light
and the stillness the dancing"
TS Eliot
What do you think it means?
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Chapter 55 - When you know better
The famous quote by Maya Angelou “When You Know Better, You Do Better.” keeps running through my head. It makes me ask myself the question "knowing what you know now, would you still have the abortion?" That is a really tough question.
It isn't the first time I have asked myself either. It is a question that has had a recurring theme with me. What would I do?
My theologian friend who has been helping me these last few weeks, suggested that I write a letter to my 24 year old self, helping her to decide what to do. I have been struggling with it. It makes you dig deep within yourself for guidance.
I had shared with my friend that I can't go to church and haven't been able to for years. I tried a couple of times, but each time when it came to the part where we are to bow our heads in silent prayer, my thoughts would go back to what I had done. How dare I ask God for forgiveness for that. While I could put on a brave face for the rest of the world and pretend that it hadn't happened...God knew all...no pretending here. I felt too evil for church. I knew that churches were for sinners, but some how I was more than just your average sinner, or at least that was how I felt.
I also struggled with God and her existance. If there is a God, why did she let this terrible thing happen to me? Why was I left to make that decision? Why did Rett have to come into my life? Why were all these things put into my life? What had I done to deserve God abandoning me?
For the bad things that have happened in my life since that time - those I could explain; they were all the punishment for what I had done. These things I deserved and that made it okay, and I accepted them without any question. Those things made sense, and the worse it got, the more I accepted it as being my lot in life.
But finally, I had had enough of punishing myself and I wanted it to stop. I wasn't an evil person and I wasn't willing to spend the last part of my life living in shame. Enough is enough.
I know better now, and hence I am doing better.
Writing that letter will have to wait. I'm not quite ready yet to give advice to anyone, even myself.
It isn't the first time I have asked myself either. It is a question that has had a recurring theme with me. What would I do?
My theologian friend who has been helping me these last few weeks, suggested that I write a letter to my 24 year old self, helping her to decide what to do. I have been struggling with it. It makes you dig deep within yourself for guidance.
I had shared with my friend that I can't go to church and haven't been able to for years. I tried a couple of times, but each time when it came to the part where we are to bow our heads in silent prayer, my thoughts would go back to what I had done. How dare I ask God for forgiveness for that. While I could put on a brave face for the rest of the world and pretend that it hadn't happened...God knew all...no pretending here. I felt too evil for church. I knew that churches were for sinners, but some how I was more than just your average sinner, or at least that was how I felt.
I also struggled with God and her existance. If there is a God, why did she let this terrible thing happen to me? Why was I left to make that decision? Why did Rett have to come into my life? Why were all these things put into my life? What had I done to deserve God abandoning me?
For the bad things that have happened in my life since that time - those I could explain; they were all the punishment for what I had done. These things I deserved and that made it okay, and I accepted them without any question. Those things made sense, and the worse it got, the more I accepted it as being my lot in life.
But finally, I had had enough of punishing myself and I wanted it to stop. I wasn't an evil person and I wasn't willing to spend the last part of my life living in shame. Enough is enough.
I know better now, and hence I am doing better.
Writing that letter will have to wait. I'm not quite ready yet to give advice to anyone, even myself.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Chapter 54 - 'Tis the Season
I really don't like this time of year, and I haven't since 1981. My friends and family give me a hard time about it, and have been known to refer to me as "Grinch".
It's not that I dislike the giving part of the season, it's all the cheeriness. I don't feel cheerful. It is a difficult time of year for me, and for all these years I have 'faked' it as best I could. The fact is - I hate it. And I am so tired of pretending.
'Tis the season to be jolly', but only if you have something to be jolly about. I know I am not alone in the way I feel. It is difficult for millions of people who are alone, and the millions who are impoverished. It is a time of spending too much, cooking too much, and rushing around trying to juggle work, socializing, and shopping. We have to fight the throng of over worked, tired, impatient shoppers to get that 'perfect'ly useless gift.
I have had too many Christmases when I haven't had any money, but I had to put on that brave face and put myself in debt until March or April to get gifts that people didn't want, appreciate or need. I've spent too many Christmas Eve's finishing home-made projects, not because I am crafty, but because I didn't have the money to buy the 'easy' gifts. Where is the joy?
The joy that I get is from spending time with my family. One of my best holiday memories is making my first ever batch of gingersnaps with my grandmother. She must have been in her mid-eighties at the time. She could barely walk or stand, but never, ever gave in to her infirmity. She insisted on helping me bake. It was her recipe and she wanted to show me how to make them.
My kitchen is a galley style, and small, barely room for one, but I managed to get a chair close enough, so that she could help. My floors are ceramic and very slippery when coated with a small smattering of flour (inevitable when you cook).
I can hear her laughing yet, as I slipped from the oven over to the counter, where she was sitting, to hand over the tray of freshly baked snaps for her to remove and inspect. We had Christmas carols playing on the stereo - way too loud - and she hummed along with Bing. My grandmother was not a 'hummer', but she was happy.
I have always kept a chair in the kitchen. I swear I can still hear her laughter each time I make her recipe of gingersnaps.
That's what Christmas was about, and it should be about - spending time with people, enjoying them, sharing with them, and laughter. Fill your Christmas stockings this year with laughter. Wrap up some family time and put that under your tree. Take time and listen to your loved-ones instead of worrying about getting that perfect gift - if you have family - you already have the perfect gift.
It's not that I dislike the giving part of the season, it's all the cheeriness. I don't feel cheerful. It is a difficult time of year for me, and for all these years I have 'faked' it as best I could. The fact is - I hate it. And I am so tired of pretending.
'Tis the season to be jolly', but only if you have something to be jolly about. I know I am not alone in the way I feel. It is difficult for millions of people who are alone, and the millions who are impoverished. It is a time of spending too much, cooking too much, and rushing around trying to juggle work, socializing, and shopping. We have to fight the throng of over worked, tired, impatient shoppers to get that 'perfect'ly useless gift.
I have had too many Christmases when I haven't had any money, but I had to put on that brave face and put myself in debt until March or April to get gifts that people didn't want, appreciate or need. I've spent too many Christmas Eve's finishing home-made projects, not because I am crafty, but because I didn't have the money to buy the 'easy' gifts. Where is the joy?
The joy that I get is from spending time with my family. One of my best holiday memories is making my first ever batch of gingersnaps with my grandmother. She must have been in her mid-eighties at the time. She could barely walk or stand, but never, ever gave in to her infirmity. She insisted on helping me bake. It was her recipe and she wanted to show me how to make them.
My kitchen is a galley style, and small, barely room for one, but I managed to get a chair close enough, so that she could help. My floors are ceramic and very slippery when coated with a small smattering of flour (inevitable when you cook).
I can hear her laughing yet, as I slipped from the oven over to the counter, where she was sitting, to hand over the tray of freshly baked snaps for her to remove and inspect. We had Christmas carols playing on the stereo - way too loud - and she hummed along with Bing. My grandmother was not a 'hummer', but she was happy.
I have always kept a chair in the kitchen. I swear I can still hear her laughter each time I make her recipe of gingersnaps.
That's what Christmas was about, and it should be about - spending time with people, enjoying them, sharing with them, and laughter. Fill your Christmas stockings this year with laughter. Wrap up some family time and put that under your tree. Take time and listen to your loved-ones instead of worrying about getting that perfect gift - if you have family - you already have the perfect gift.
Monday, December 3, 2007
Chapter 53 - Human Nature
Have you ever encountered prejudice in your life? I have.
There are many faces of prejudice, and they disguise themselves as something else most times. They hide behind their beliefs, images, colour, status, and a waft of other things. I know prejudice well, because we met when I was a mere child. I understand how it feels to not be included, to be looked at differently and to be shunned. It is a horrible feeling.
As I told you, I have been over weight most of my adult life, and with that comes a certain amount of prejudice. People 'assume' you are lazy, slovenly, lacking in self-control and of lower intelligence. They assume all of this without even speaking one word to you. They don't want to know you, because if they did, they may have to change their whole way of perceiving the world, and then what! Their world would stop turning.
Now that I am a 'normal' weight and people tell me how good I look, or that I look hot, it is almost a slap in the face, as if to say that I didn't look good before. Why are people so superficial? Can't they see there is a person underneath that outer shell?
That is partly the reason why I had kept my 'little dark secret' for so many years. I know what people think, and I have learned that lesson sometimes the hard way. I'm a very open and honest person. I like the art of conversing, not just talking to people, but getting to know their true-selves - what makes them tick. I did try sharing my story with people who I thought I was close with - and I lost people out of my life. They were never blatant enough to say anything while I was sharing...but I could read it in their eyes. Eventually, they would skulk away from my life, just leaving behind another lesson in human nature for me.
This blog is the first time I have truly shared the whole story with anyone, but it's not the same as sitting face to face with someone, because there is a distance between us. I can't read your eyes. I can't see you lose my gaze when I get to a part that disturbs you. So, it allows me the freedom to share without prejudice, for the first time in my life.
And still I have had some people skulk away, but maybe this time, they stayed long enough to learn a lesson in human nature.
Please don't judge someone at first glance. Grant them the time to tell their story, allow them to be heard and known.
There are many faces of prejudice, and they disguise themselves as something else most times. They hide behind their beliefs, images, colour, status, and a waft of other things. I know prejudice well, because we met when I was a mere child. I understand how it feels to not be included, to be looked at differently and to be shunned. It is a horrible feeling.
As I told you, I have been over weight most of my adult life, and with that comes a certain amount of prejudice. People 'assume' you are lazy, slovenly, lacking in self-control and of lower intelligence. They assume all of this without even speaking one word to you. They don't want to know you, because if they did, they may have to change their whole way of perceiving the world, and then what! Their world would stop turning.
Now that I am a 'normal' weight and people tell me how good I look, or that I look hot, it is almost a slap in the face, as if to say that I didn't look good before. Why are people so superficial? Can't they see there is a person underneath that outer shell?
That is partly the reason why I had kept my 'little dark secret' for so many years. I know what people think, and I have learned that lesson sometimes the hard way. I'm a very open and honest person. I like the art of conversing, not just talking to people, but getting to know their true-selves - what makes them tick. I did try sharing my story with people who I thought I was close with - and I lost people out of my life. They were never blatant enough to say anything while I was sharing...but I could read it in their eyes. Eventually, they would skulk away from my life, just leaving behind another lesson in human nature for me.
This blog is the first time I have truly shared the whole story with anyone, but it's not the same as sitting face to face with someone, because there is a distance between us. I can't read your eyes. I can't see you lose my gaze when I get to a part that disturbs you. So, it allows me the freedom to share without prejudice, for the first time in my life.
And still I have had some people skulk away, but maybe this time, they stayed long enough to learn a lesson in human nature.
Please don't judge someone at first glance. Grant them the time to tell their story, allow them to be heard and known.
Chapter 52 - Precious Gift
Finally I can feel myself coming out of the haze of hurt. I was listening to the new Eagles CD "Long Road out of Eden" and I was dancing all by myself in the living room. You can't dance and be sad...it is impossible.
Granted I was listening to "Waiting in the Weeds", which is a song about lost love, but more than 80% of music is about loss of some sort. Don Henley, who does the majority of writing for the Eagles, has his master's degree in English, so his words are poetic.
I wasn't able to listen to music for a while now, not that I couldn't...I knew it would break my heart, and I didn't need that. I missed music. It serves the same purpose as the ocean does; it soothes me and even brings me insight. Sometimes when I am struggling with an issue, I will listen to music and it calms my mind so that I can think more clearly. It is my form of meditation.
These last couple of weeks I have really been trying to understand forgiveness and what it means. I know I have written about it before, but it is stuck in my head and I cannot get clarity. I am a Virgo, and things have to make sense to us, likely more than any other sign. Once I understand, then I can stamp it and move on to the next item on the agenda.
For me, there are two hurts that have occurred, the one 26 years ago, and the current one. But each hurt has to be reconciled and resolved in 1) my head and 2) my heart, therefore four compartments of healing and forgiveness. You can't reconcile anything unless your head and your heart agree - it won't happen. Unfortunately, they do not work on the same schedule and often we leave one behind, and then we get stuck.
There are many stages to forgiveness. The first step is to define what forgiveness is to you and I believe it is different for each person. For me, it was letting go of the hurt that was weighing so heavily on my heart. I was forgiving Rett for running away and leaving me alone. I could forgive him for that part. I understood why he had run away - because he could. I also forgave him for lying to me - that one was more difficult because I couldn't understand why he lied, but I had to let it go in order to move along with my life. My heart forgave him because it had to heal, but my head lagged behind because I didn't totally understand the reason for his behaviour. Hence...I got stuck.
Another stage to forgiveness is reconciliation. Not everyone goes to this stage, and it is not necessary to achieving forgiveness. I went there. This is the dangerous part and it is a bit like walking on a newly frozen pond...you need to tread very carefully.
The head and the heart work at different speeds and levels, and it is helpful to understand that concept. I was feeling guilty about my forgiveness because, to be honest...I wanted to take it back. I felt betrayed by Rett, especially when he used my forgiveness in his last e-mail, to hurt me.
But it's not about Rett, or the way he received the forgiveness, or what he did with it. It is like giving someone a gift - it becomes theirs, to do with as they wish. If they choose to cherish it, that's wonderful, but if they choose to throw it away - that's their choice. You have no control over them or their behaviour. As selfish as this sounds, forgiveness is about you, not the person you are forgiving, and once you grasp that concept, it is easier to understand. Forgiveness is a precious gift that you wrap carefully and hand over to someone...and then you must let it go.
My current problem with forgiveness is not about the hurt from all those years ago...that's not the one that I am struggling with, it is the current hurt. Now that I understand that, I can work towards finding the strength to wrap another gift and send it on its way.
But forgiveness takes time, and take your time with it. Let go one piece at a time, from your heart and from your head, and soon it will be gone. There is no timetable, or deadline to forgiveness.
Granted I was listening to "Waiting in the Weeds", which is a song about lost love, but more than 80% of music is about loss of some sort. Don Henley, who does the majority of writing for the Eagles, has his master's degree in English, so his words are poetic.
I wasn't able to listen to music for a while now, not that I couldn't...I knew it would break my heart, and I didn't need that. I missed music. It serves the same purpose as the ocean does; it soothes me and even brings me insight. Sometimes when I am struggling with an issue, I will listen to music and it calms my mind so that I can think more clearly. It is my form of meditation.
These last couple of weeks I have really been trying to understand forgiveness and what it means. I know I have written about it before, but it is stuck in my head and I cannot get clarity. I am a Virgo, and things have to make sense to us, likely more than any other sign. Once I understand, then I can stamp it and move on to the next item on the agenda.
For me, there are two hurts that have occurred, the one 26 years ago, and the current one. But each hurt has to be reconciled and resolved in 1) my head and 2) my heart, therefore four compartments of healing and forgiveness. You can't reconcile anything unless your head and your heart agree - it won't happen. Unfortunately, they do not work on the same schedule and often we leave one behind, and then we get stuck.
There are many stages to forgiveness. The first step is to define what forgiveness is to you and I believe it is different for each person. For me, it was letting go of the hurt that was weighing so heavily on my heart. I was forgiving Rett for running away and leaving me alone. I could forgive him for that part. I understood why he had run away - because he could. I also forgave him for lying to me - that one was more difficult because I couldn't understand why he lied, but I had to let it go in order to move along with my life. My heart forgave him because it had to heal, but my head lagged behind because I didn't totally understand the reason for his behaviour. Hence...I got stuck.
Another stage to forgiveness is reconciliation. Not everyone goes to this stage, and it is not necessary to achieving forgiveness. I went there. This is the dangerous part and it is a bit like walking on a newly frozen pond...you need to tread very carefully.
The head and the heart work at different speeds and levels, and it is helpful to understand that concept. I was feeling guilty about my forgiveness because, to be honest...I wanted to take it back. I felt betrayed by Rett, especially when he used my forgiveness in his last e-mail, to hurt me.
But it's not about Rett, or the way he received the forgiveness, or what he did with it. It is like giving someone a gift - it becomes theirs, to do with as they wish. If they choose to cherish it, that's wonderful, but if they choose to throw it away - that's their choice. You have no control over them or their behaviour. As selfish as this sounds, forgiveness is about you, not the person you are forgiving, and once you grasp that concept, it is easier to understand. Forgiveness is a precious gift that you wrap carefully and hand over to someone...and then you must let it go.
My current problem with forgiveness is not about the hurt from all those years ago...that's not the one that I am struggling with, it is the current hurt. Now that I understand that, I can work towards finding the strength to wrap another gift and send it on its way.
But forgiveness takes time, and take your time with it. Let go one piece at a time, from your heart and from your head, and soon it will be gone. There is no timetable, or deadline to forgiveness.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Chapter 51 1/2 - Recovery
There are many phases to the recovery from heartbreak and grief, and I can see through my writing that I have gone through them all.
Below are the five major phases.
1. Numbness
2. Denial and Isolation
3. Anger
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
I can almost attach chapter numbers to the phases. Some will have more chapters, others less, but they are all present and accounted for. There is not a particular order that you have to follow. You will go back and forth through the first four, time after time, until it feels right. The final stage of Acceptance is always the final stage. At the onset you may feel that you will never arrive at Acceptance, but it will come - in time.
The numbness stage didn't last long for me - I wish it had lasted longer, but the ending was so sharp and swift, it knocked the wind out of my sails and left me trying to catch my breath for a day or two.
Oh the Anger phase - that is a sweet stage. For me, it took a long time to actually get there, but once I did, WOW. Who knew I had so much pent up anger? We all have anger inside that we don't allow to have a voice, but it is still there, and the longer it sits and waits for its turn to speak, the more it will have to say once it is out. And it feels so good to get it out and let it go...and then it is gone.
Depression is more fluid and melts into all the phases, and can sometimes linger even after Acceptance. That is normal and totally understandable, and if you don't work through all your issues, it could last even longer. It is helpful to get someone to help you work through your feelings, someone to give you guidance, but ultimately you need to do the work.
Suffering through heartbreak and grief is the most difficult thing you will ever do, but when you get through it, you will be a much better person. You have looked your demons in the face and dealt with them. You haven't run away and denied their existance. You need to be honest and look them directly in the eye and say "I am stronger than you, and I can overcome this!"
I started writing my story only a few hours after that final e-mail from Rett. I had never written on-line before and had only seen one blog in my life. I was so determined to find an outlet that I learned very quickly.
Why did I use the internet instead of writing a book you ask? If I had written a book I would never have gotten up the nerve to let anyone see it and it would have remained my little dark dirty secret forever. I needed to find a venue to share with anonymity and without proximity to begin, until I felt safe, until I could trust the reaction, and the blog provided that. I needed to look my demons directly in the eye, and I have.
Below are the five major phases.
1. Numbness
2. Denial and Isolation
3. Anger
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
I can almost attach chapter numbers to the phases. Some will have more chapters, others less, but they are all present and accounted for. There is not a particular order that you have to follow. You will go back and forth through the first four, time after time, until it feels right. The final stage of Acceptance is always the final stage. At the onset you may feel that you will never arrive at Acceptance, but it will come - in time.
The numbness stage didn't last long for me - I wish it had lasted longer, but the ending was so sharp and swift, it knocked the wind out of my sails and left me trying to catch my breath for a day or two.
Oh the Anger phase - that is a sweet stage. For me, it took a long time to actually get there, but once I did, WOW. Who knew I had so much pent up anger? We all have anger inside that we don't allow to have a voice, but it is still there, and the longer it sits and waits for its turn to speak, the more it will have to say once it is out. And it feels so good to get it out and let it go...and then it is gone.
Depression is more fluid and melts into all the phases, and can sometimes linger even after Acceptance. That is normal and totally understandable, and if you don't work through all your issues, it could last even longer. It is helpful to get someone to help you work through your feelings, someone to give you guidance, but ultimately you need to do the work.
Suffering through heartbreak and grief is the most difficult thing you will ever do, but when you get through it, you will be a much better person. You have looked your demons in the face and dealt with them. You haven't run away and denied their existance. You need to be honest and look them directly in the eye and say "I am stronger than you, and I can overcome this!"
I started writing my story only a few hours after that final e-mail from Rett. I had never written on-line before and had only seen one blog in my life. I was so determined to find an outlet that I learned very quickly.
Why did I use the internet instead of writing a book you ask? If I had written a book I would never have gotten up the nerve to let anyone see it and it would have remained my little dark dirty secret forever. I needed to find a venue to share with anonymity and without proximity to begin, until I felt safe, until I could trust the reaction, and the blog provided that. I needed to look my demons directly in the eye, and I have.
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