Chapter 52 - Precious Gift

Finally I can feel myself coming out of the haze of hurt. I was listening to the new Eagles CD "Long Road out of Eden" and I was dancing all by myself in the living room. You can't dance and be sad...it is impossible.

Granted I was listening to "Waiting in the Weeds", which is a song about lost love, but more than 80% of music is about loss of some sort. Don Henley, who does the majority of writing for the Eagles, has his master's degree in English, so his words are poetic.

I wasn't able to listen to music for a while now, not that I couldn't...I knew it would break my heart, and I didn't need that. I missed music. It serves the same purpose as the ocean does; it soothes me and even brings me insight. Sometimes when I am struggling with an issue, I will listen to music and it calms my mind so that I can think more clearly. It is my form of meditation.

These last couple of weeks I have really been trying to understand forgiveness and what it means. I know I have written about it before, but it is stuck in my head and I cannot get clarity. I am a Virgo, and things have to make sense to us, likely more than any other sign. Once I understand, then I can stamp it and move on to the next item on the agenda.

For me, there are two hurts that have occurred, the one 26 years ago, and the current one. But each hurt has to be reconciled and resolved in 1) my head and 2) my heart, therefore four compartments of healing and forgiveness. You can't reconcile anything unless your head and your heart agree - it won't happen. Unfortunately, they do not work on the same schedule and often we leave one behind, and then we get stuck.

There are many stages to forgiveness. The first step is to define what forgiveness is to you and I believe it is different for each person. For me, it was letting go of the hurt that was weighing so heavily on my heart. I was forgiving Rett for running away and leaving me alone. I could forgive him for that part. I understood why he had run away - because he could. I also forgave him for lying to me - that one was more difficult because I couldn't understand why he lied, but I had to let it go in order to move along with my life. My heart forgave him because it had to heal, but my head lagged behind because I didn't totally understand the reason for his behaviour. Hence...I got stuck.

Another stage to forgiveness is reconciliation. Not everyone goes to this stage, and it is not necessary to achieving forgiveness. I went there. This is the dangerous part and it is a bit like walking on a newly frozen pond...you need to tread very carefully.

The head and the heart work at different speeds and levels, and it is helpful to understand that concept. I was feeling guilty about my forgiveness because, to be honest...I wanted to take it back. I felt betrayed by Rett, especially when he used my forgiveness in his last e-mail, to hurt me.

But it's not about Rett, or the way he received the forgiveness, or what he did with it. It is like giving someone a gift - it becomes theirs, to do with as they wish. If they choose to cherish it, that's wonderful, but if they choose to throw it away - that's their choice. You have no control over them or their behaviour. As selfish as this sounds, forgiveness is about you, not the person you are forgiving, and once you grasp that concept, it is easier to understand. Forgiveness is a precious gift that you wrap carefully and hand over to someone...and then you must let it go.

My current problem with forgiveness is not about the hurt from all those years ago...that's not the one that I am struggling with, it is the current hurt. Now that I understand that, I can work towards finding the strength to wrap another gift and send it on its way.

But forgiveness takes time, and take your time with it. Let go one piece at a time, from your heart and from your head, and soon it will be gone. There is no timetable, or deadline to forgiveness.