Chapter 55 - When you know better

The famous quote by Maya Angelou “When You Know Better, You Do Better.” keeps running through my head. It makes me ask myself the question "knowing what you know now, would you still have the abortion?" That is a really tough question.

It isn't the first time I have asked myself either. It is a question that has had a recurring theme with me. What would I do?

My theologian friend who has been helping me these last few weeks, suggested that I write a letter to my 24 year old self, helping her to decide what to do. I have been struggling with it. It makes you dig deep within yourself for guidance.

I had shared with my friend that I can't go to church and haven't been able to for years. I tried a couple of times, but each time when it came to the part where we are to bow our heads in silent prayer, my thoughts would go back to what I had done. How dare I ask God for forgiveness for that. While I could put on a brave face for the rest of the world and pretend that it hadn't happened...God knew all...no pretending here. I felt too evil for church. I knew that churches were for sinners, but some how I was more than just your average sinner, or at least that was how I felt.

I also struggled with God and her existance. If there is a God, why did she let this terrible thing happen to me? Why was I left to make that decision? Why did Rett have to come into my life? Why were all these things put into my life? What had I done to deserve God abandoning me?

For the bad things that have happened in my life since that time - those I could explain; they were all the punishment for what I had done. These things I deserved and that made it okay, and I accepted them without any question. Those things made sense, and the worse it got, the more I accepted it as being my lot in life.

But finally, I had had enough of punishing myself and I wanted it to stop. I wasn't an evil person and I wasn't willing to spend the last part of my life living in shame. Enough is enough.

I know better now, and hence I am doing better.

Writing that letter will have to wait. I'm not quite ready yet to give advice to anyone, even myself.