It is storming again. We are having the worst weather this year - snow, snow and more snow. I hate winter, and actually it's not even winter yet, that doesn't arrive until the 21st of December.
It is as if the god's are working against me by making this winter the harshest ever. All I think about is how nice the weather is where Rett is, and how much I would prefer to be there. If we were having a milder winter my thoughts wouldn't go there as much.
I wonder if he thinks of me at all. I wonder if my name crosses his mind when he sees something that reminds him of me. I wonder if he regrets what he did. Of course not. That would mean that I actually meant something to him. So again, I am the one holding the memories. It is a heavy load to carry alone.
The other night I was feeling lost and lonely, and so very tired of it all. I did my normal ritual to try and shake the feeling, I cried - not just shed a tear or two, but a weeping from deep within your soul until you are so tired that you sleep.
I went up to bed and lay there exhausted and I said out loud "I can't do this anymore. I need someone to help me carry this." Then I lay my head on the pillow and took a deep breath, giving in to the feelings. As I lay there I thought of my grandmother and my aunt who have already passed into the 'other' life and I could feel them close to me. They were beside me in bed, spooning with me, holding me close and comforting me - just as I had envisioned them comforting Silas. I was not alone, we are never alone.
It got me through the night to face another day.
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