Chapter 60 - How long?

How long does hurt last?

How long does the aching that goes all the way into the absolute centre of your soul last? I never understood what heartache was until now. It is a pain so intense that it will bring you to your knees and make you beg for it to stop. It starts in your heart and slowly permeates every fibre of your being until it lands in your eyes and then the tears start to flow.

It is intense and incessant, and there is no relief, no magic pill that will erase it. It just goes on and on, until you give into it and allow it to envelop you. Then it subsides for a period of time until the next round. You gather all your strength to face the inevitable next round; trying to keep your sanity and to survive.

Each time you succeed at making it through, you feel triumphant, like you have beaten a demon, but it is a demon that dwells within your own soul. How could something that felt so good, turn into something so horrid?

How can you let yourself love again after this type of hurt and humiliation? I suppose hurt is a bit like child-birth, in that, the joy will eventually erases all the memory of the pain. I find that hard to believe. I never forgot about the pain from my first encounter with Rett, and there was no love there. But I was young and more pliable, now I am old and rigid or fragile.

It has been over two months since my last interaction with Rett...seems like longer. I still have a voice mail message that he left me late in August, and when I am in the depths of one of those episodes, I listen to it. He sounds so light and carefree and "with" me, so unlike the last time we spoke. But it gets me through the night.

I suppose that soon, I will listen to it less frequently. I will re-read his nicer e-mails less, and I will eventually not check for e-mails from him. I'm not sure what I expect when I check, but I guess I still am in denial or shock. It all happened so quickly, and came out of nowhere that I can't fully believe he is gone. My heart still hasn't accepted it as much as my head has. My heart is always lagging behind because it held him much closer than my head ever did.

A long time...that's all I can say...a long time...