Chapter 66 - I Knew Him

Rett accused me of not knowing him, and he was partially right. I didn't know the every day things about him, the mundane things like whether he preferred coffee or tea, or if he were a morning person or a night owl. I didn't know the details about his life - how could I? I only knew what he shared and what I could derive from what he wrote, and how he wrote. But I wanted to get to know him. I wanted to know all about him - good and bad. He didn't have to pretend with me.

Often when we meet someone new we put our best foot forward, mould ourselves to fit into what we think the other person wants. We very rarely are our true selves until we have known the person for a while. We want to connect with the other person, so we bend the truth of ourselves a bit, to fit in, to be accepted.

Rett and I didn't have to do this. I knew him. I knew the darkness in his soul, and I wanted to find out why it was there. What had caused him to be dark? And he was dark. I have seen it, and heard it. Even his voice changes when he is behaving from that side of his personality. But where does it come from? I wanted to know.

He lashes out and blames when he feels threatened, and he dislikes this about himself. He has boundaries (and speaks of them often), but are the boundaries there to protect him or to keep people out, to keep them at a safe distance so that he doesn't get hurt?

He has been hurt. And it is the kind of hurt that goes to the core, where the nerve endings are exposed. The kind of hurt that only comes from someone he loved and trusted - deeply, who betrayed or abused him. It could have been a relative or a spouse, but it had to be someone very close to his heart.

Rett is innately a tender-hearted, caring, compassionate person, who loves to love, and be loved. He is witty and so very bright, and he is deep, so deep that the waters of his soul are black. This is where the hurt is stored, in those deep waters, and he will do anything to protect his soul from being hurt again - even if it means hurting someone else. It is his survival technique, and it works for him. But at what cost?

Every once in a while, he would let me peak into the waters, and it was so worth the wait. I would have waited forever to get to know him, letting him take his time, to build up his trust. I know how it feels, because that is something he and I share. We are more alike than he will ever know.

What Rett didn't know, or didn't trust, was that I would never have hurt him. I would have protected him, just like I have protected him all these years. He is tied to a special place in my heart, and I can not change that - no matter what he says or does, or how hard I try to forget. It was safe with me. He could have let all those barriers down and let me in, and by doing so, free himself.

Oh, yes, I knew him.