Chapter 64 - What do men think?

What do men think? (Funny when I typed this, I put mean instead of men - Freudian slip.) I would be curious to spend a day inside a man's head. I know that we are as different as night and day...Venus and Mars. I'm just so inquisitive about how their thought process works.

Women, tend to think too much, in my humble opinion. Before we react we think about the consequences of our actions, and what we say. We don't wait to see what will happen, we think about it before it even occurs. We always have other's feelings in mind. What would 'they' think if I did this - or if I said ‘that’ I would hurt ‘so and so's’ feelings.

And if you happen to put your needs first, think of yourself without taking into consideration others - then the guilt starts. They are going to think I am so selfish. How dare I think of me first?! You just can't win.

Women are nurtures by nature - that is their lot in life – to care for others. But when do we get a chance to take care of ourselves – our needs? Isn’t it only fair that we have a chance to do what we want? Find out who we are and what we like? Why do we have to do all the caring?

But men are innately selfish. It is not something that they become over the years. They are born like that. It is part of their survival instinct. There is no guilt for them. And if we are so lucky to find a male who doesn't think of himself and his needs first - we assume he must be gay. No winning for them either.

I want to understand. I’m not male-bashing here (although it may sound like it). I truly want to know how the male psyche works. I have spent the last several months fruitlessly seeking answers as to why Rett treated me as he did. I will likely go to my grave still asking the same questions.

My therapist has no answers, no one has answers. In order for me to let this go, I NEED to understand what he was thinking, and I suppose once I have the answer to that I will want to know why he did what he did. Why would one human being hurt another? What could the possible payback be for that?

I wish that I could just be more like a man...just for one day.