Learning to trust again

Where does trust end and stupidity begin?

We all know that in a relationship one has to trust, because without it...there is no relationship, and not even a friendship. But at some point one has to stop and take stock of where one is - on the side of trust or has it gone beyond that to stupidity. It really is a fine line between the two.

I would like to think that one trusts until there is proof that trust is not warranted. But, by that time, usually I am in over my head and heading towards stupidity.

My relationship is the best that I have ever know and I find myself in love. I wasn't planning on falling in love and I really wasn't looking for love - I was looking for lust. I wanted to have what I missed in my youth, the care-free, unattached, fun kind of activity. I wanted to 'play the field', but at 50+, the field is more like a swamp. It is filled with dark creatures who are lurking in the muddied waters to come out and grab you...drag you down to their level. You have to be aware of your footing and your surroundings.

I have to admit that in the beginning of my new life, I wasn't very good at seeing what was going on around me. I was so self-absorbed, so 'on a mission' that I missed seeing where I was stepping and ...well, you know the story.

But now, here I am in a relationship and I am learning about trust again. At our age we all come with a history and a full set of baggage that keeps us with one foot in the present and another in the past. Mr. Compassion is no different from me. He has just gotten out of a very bad relationship, one that has him still reeling from the aftershocks. I don't think he even realizes how damaged he is.

But we are recovering - together. Slowly, and with respect and understanding. We respect that each of us has a past and that there will be times when our history will influence our present - whether we want it to or not. We understand one another so well that we try very hard to give one another space - space to heal.

To show you how respectful we are...I have a secret to share with you...Mr. C asked me to marry him. I know he meant it...and I know he was sincere...but I also know that he wasn't really ready to make a commitment of that magnitude, but he wanted to tell me how much he loves me - and I understand. But...he isn't ready - yet.

I know that I am not ready and I'm not sure if I ever will be ready to make the leap into marriage again. I know that there isn't really a difference between living together and marriage...but in my mind there is.

For the moment, all I want to do is spend time getting to know this wonderful man I am lucky enough to be with...enjoy our time together...be respectful of one another and learn to love again. I need to learn to trust again or is it just learn to trust (period).

I don't want to rush anything. It's like when you eat something you really, really enjoy...and you want it to last a long, long time...so you take forever to finish it, so that it lasts the longest amount of time possible. I want this to last forever, so we must be patient and let love grow - slowly.

If tears were droplets of blood...

If tears were not just water and salt but instead droplets of blood, would people so carelessly hurt one another?

Think about this for awhile and see if you can picture yourself saying something hurtful to someone...and then seeing the pools of blood forming in their eyes. How would you feel? Would you keep on going...keep on hurting or would you stop? I'm betting you would stop in your tracks. But somehow, when we see those tiny teardrops, we just keep on going.

When I think back on the hurt that I felt this last year and the too many years prior to that, and I think about the people inflicting the pain - I know that they knew what they were doing. My face is a reflection of my soul and has always been that way, so it wasn't as if they had to try and see beyond my mask. It was written all over my face...it was in my voice...it was in my words, and yet they kept on going.

Why didn't I once yell "That's enough!!"? Why didn't I call a halt to it and walk away sooner? What made me put up with it?

Over this year I have discovered that I must have been getting some payback from it all. I had to have been getting a reward or I would have said enough. What does that say about me?

It says that my self-worth still isn't where it should be. I allow people to hurt me...and say nothing because I still feel that I deserve to be treated badly. I also believe that if I say something to defend myself it will cause strife and that isn't something I am comfortable with.

I need to learn that people will not disappear or stop loving me if I express my feelings. They are my feelings and I am entitled to them. No one has the right to hurt another human being and that needs to be said.

People will still love me and if they don't - they shouldn't have been in my life in the first place. I have to stop putting other people's feelings in a higher stead than my own.

But...I still think that if tears were more visible, people would be more careful with their actions.

Empty Nest

How does one 'let' someone hurt them emotionally? If we were talking physical hurt...and we 'let' someone hurt us, we would be considered a wimp. Imagine standing there and letting someone hurt you. Does that make any sense? Would you stand there an allow that to happen? NO!!! Yet when it comes to emotions, that's exactly what we do. I know we say people hurt us...but in reality we allow it happen. It's like an accident you know is going to happen, and you feel powerless to stop it...you just stand there and watch. Innocent bystanders or active participants?

I am suspecting that this is where the elusive boundaries would come in handy. I have been hearing about these for a while now, but I'm still unsure how they work.

My ex came by last week to remove the remainder of his things from my house. I have given him over a year to decide what he wanted to do with the stuff, but being the procrastinator that he is...he did nothing. He came to the house when I wasn't here, which was fine as I really didn't want to be present when the move took place - too much turmoil for me.

I arrived home after it was done, and I went to the basement to see how nice my empty rooms looked and ... he took it all. We had amassed quite a collection of tools - his...mine...and his deceased father's that we had inherited...but they were all gone. He didn't even leave me a nail.

Most people would have reacted with anger, but not me...I cried. I cried because it hurt me to think that this man that I spent 25 years with...took care of....supported, could not have taken 15 minutes to sort through and leave me a couple of screwdrivers and a hammer. That's what I mean or meant to him - absolutely nothing.

I should have known better. I should have expected this. I should have been prepared for this. I should not let it bother me. But, yet again...I 'let' him hurt me emotionally.

Will I ever learn?

Happy Birthday

Today I turned 51. Over half my life is gone and can never be retrieved but it doesn't feel like it. I feel as if I am just beginning to live. My feet want to dance and my heart wants to sing...okay, my body would like to comply but it takes a little more coaxing than it used to.

My day has been spectacular and remarkable. I am surrounded by love from my new man - Mr. Compassion. He is every woman's dream, and definitely mine. This morning when I awakened I was greeted by his smile and the now familiar "Good morning Baby!" He doesn't just say it...he means it. We lie in each other's arms and talk for a while each and every morning. We don't start our day in a rush, we take our time to talk quietly and lovingly to one another...then we get out of bed and start the day. We share an intimate morning chat about nothing in particular, just something loving...share a kiss and look into each other's eyes and speak our truth. We are in love with each other and we start our days with that.

This morning we lingered in bed a little longer than normal. He had been up during the night and had completed his present for me. He wrote me a poem. He had other gifts for me...too many, but this one is so special, so heartfelt...it brought tears to my eyes. You know the ones...not the ones from heartbreak, but the ones from sheer, overwhelming joy. It is so new for me to be loved that I find it overpowering from time to time. But he does love me as much as I love him. We are safe with each other and we will not hurt one another. I think those two things should be added to wedding vows - don't you?

I wanted to share his poem with you, so that you can see a small part of this man who has captured my heart, and perhaps it will help you understand why I will cherish him forever.

Dear Annette:

Musings of a man in love ...

There are so many moments
when I think back
full of laughter, and love
things I have lacked ..

My days are now
filled with brightness
and glee
as I contemplate
you loving me

I know, as we grow
more in love each day
we continue to know
we are safe to play

we are safe to laugh
and to shed a few tears
this journey is a gas
as we hold hands through our fears

you have given me
the most precious gift
any man can receive
and it gives my heart a lift

you have given your heart
and i have given mine
we walk hand in hand
to the end of all time ..

Love .. Mr. Compassion

The whispers of our souls

I keep putting off writing this but it has to be done. I very rarely write when I am in the midst of something, it is only when it is over that I want/need to write. And part of me hoped that it wasn't 'over', but it is.

I worked so very hard at not letting my heart get involved with Mr. Reality because it is so wounded and beaten I thought it needed a break. But somehow, when I wasn't paying attention, he sneaked in. And I payed a very dear price for allowing that to happen.

It is so complicated I'm not even sure I can straighten it out enough to write about it. I'm not sure I truly understand what happened. I guess I need to start at the beginning and tell the story.

You already know how we met because I shared that. It is after that things got messed up...or was it during...or was it after? Truly, I think it was doomed from the beginning. In life, there are times when we just need 'someone' and he was just that...'someone'. Each 'love' in our lives has come into our space for a reason, and sometimes it is more difficult to see the whys.

I believe that God, or Buddha or Whoever you believe in, tries very hard to keep our lives very simple. It is we who complicate them by ignoring The Voice of those greater beings when they try to tell us which way to turn, which road to take, which choice to make. They do tell us, but as higher beings, it is our choice to listen or not. I'm not a very good listener. Sometimes these 'beings' have had to shout at me before I heed.

One of these shouts came because of Mr. Reality.

I didn't share with you why I ended it because it was very personal and I thought, at the time, that there was some truth to what he had said to me - how he hurt me.

Things with Mr. Reality never seemed right when I look back on it now. Those voices were telling me early on to cut and run, but as I said ... I wasn't listening. My relationship with him was something I had to go through. There was a life-lesson that I had not fully learned yet and he was the catalysts for me to finally 'get it'.

In case you can't tell, I'm stalling telling you the story - still. Well, here it is...I lent him money. Yes, even after all I have been through with my ex-husband, I still hadn't learned that I don't need to pay someone to be with me. Rett had left me damaged, and no...that's not his fault - that's mine. So, when I met Mr. Reality, I was still recovering. He filled a need - a ten or more year need, but it really wasn't worth the price.

It started out with a small amount and the voice in my head said "NO!" but I wasn't strong enough to listen. I wasn't secure enough in who I was to say no because I thought if I did I would lose him. I also wanted to be able to trust a man again. I wanted...but just wanting something doesn't make it happen.

Trust is such an elusive trait, it's a bit like chasing one's shadow in that you know it is there, you can see it but to capture it is almost impossible. I keep trying to allow myself to let go, stop holding back, stop mistrusting, stop questioning, let my guard down, but every time I let go, it is as if the ground is rushing up to my face and I fall flat - THUD.

You don't need to know the painful details of how much, or how often I lent him money. All you need to know is that he kept going...kept reeling me in...kept using...kept taking advantage - all of which I allowed to happen, UNTIL I had the realization that I deserve better than this. I decided that I needed it to end, even if it hadn't even really begun. I needed to stop it before I was in too deep to get out. And I did.

I thought I had played it safe with him - kept it aloof, just having my needs met, but that's not me. I was trying to be someone else, someone who can not get involved. I almost had myself convinced too, until it was time to let him go. I had my speech planned, my words in my head. We had been having trouble besides the money. He had some issues with intimacy and there were reasons for his issues - big reasons, not the kind I could resolve or help him work through.

So, it was the night for the speech, but before I started, I wanted to make sure that I wasn't making a mistake, so I asked him if we could talk. We had had a particularly bad evening. I had thought that we were going to do one thing...and it didn't come to fruition. I was upset and feeling rejected - which I felt a lot when we were together. I was angry and I didn't want to speak to him from anger, so after I asked him if we could talk, I hesitated to find the words without the anger. He took this opportunity to talk to me from his anger. He told me he was tire of being thought of as a sex toy. He told me he had been trying to build a relationship that was based on something other than sex, but that I wasn't interested. He said he felt dirty.

I was so angry when I was sitting there listening to his words...so hurt that I couldn't find my words, not even my angry words that but a few minutes ago had been so close to the surface. I could feel the blood rushing passed my eardrums and the heat from my blushed cheeks - I felt ashamed.

There it was. This man who I felt had been using me for money, was now ridiculing me for wanting him. What a mess.

I listened for what seemed like hours as he spoke to me. His position spoke louder than his words. When he started, he pulled his legs up and turned his back to me. I tried to defend myself when his rant was over, but I knew that wasn't what I should be saying but I was too hurt to come from a place of strength. I needed time to recover.

I took the time that evening after he left and started to write him an e-mail. In it I told him that I deserved to be treated better. I told him I was not going to apologize for wanting him, or for wanting to be close to him. I have worked way too hard to like who I am to allow anyone to make me doubt myself ever again.

This was a huge step in my life. I knew I was beginning to care for Mr. Reality and if I didn't end it - I would be in the same abusive relationship I was with my ex. I hadn't heard the voice speaking to me when I ended it with my husband - not REALLY heard, but this time it was clear, concise and embedded in my head - GET OUT NOW.

But it still hurt to let him go. I wasn't just letting him go, I was letting go of my hope that i could trust him. I had taken a chance and trusted him even though the voices were telling me not to. I have heard those voices before, often, but I think this time, although it didn't prevent me from doing something wrong, I at least listened when they told me to get out before I got hurt even more.

Those voices that we hear whispering to our souls are there to protect us, to make us understand. Please don't wait for the shouts, like I did.

Good Bye

I suspect you do have me on your 'done list' or have added me to Junk, but here is the truth that I need to tell you...I have met someone and we are in love, the healthy kind of love that you likely know...the kind that I didn't know until now.

All I ever wanted to do was clear things up - clean the slate, so that I can move on with my life (I was having trouble finding the right words there...but you did provide them to me in your last e-mail to me) - I finally understand what you were trying to tell me. I have a healthy heart now...and I am moving on. I finally have clarity. I understand what happened, and why...it has taken me a very long time to get here...but I am here.

Life has a way of sorting itself out doesn't it? The man I am seeing has a special-needs daughter who is 25, so although she is an adult, she is still a child. I get to have the child I have so longed to have. He also has a healthy son, who is 23...so I also have a chance to be a step-grandmother someday, something I thought was lost for me forever.

So...life is good, and sorted, without me having to do anything more than just open my heart and live it, instead of looking backwards and dwelling on what I missed.

You never did understand how horrible my marriage was or what a mess my life was - and how could you. I have worked very hard to clean up the mess I made of things and to get back on track. Granted it took me many years to get here...but I am here...in one piece, and still willing to open my heart to someone and try again. I am very proud of the progress that I have made and am still making. It hasn't been an easy journey, but I have now found someone who I think I have been searching for all my life...and we are so very happy.

So many things that you said to me were true...but I was not ready to hear them. Now I understand. It's too bad you couldn't have said them in a gentler way...but that is not in your nature. There is a saying that goes "the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior" and you behaved in 2007 the same way you behaved in 1981. It is who you are...not who I wanted you to be - nothing has changed, nor should it. You are who you are and so am I.

All of this is my way of saying ... finally I am ready to set myself free from you for the final time in my life...let you go...let go of my dream of us somehow rectifying a horrible wrong done to me by you. I thought I had to forgive you, but I was wrong, it is I who needed the forgiveness and I have finally forgiven myself for making a mistake - I made a mistake in thinking you were a good person -- you aren't now...nor were you then, but it is who you are and I can accept that now. I can't make you into some fairytale person who I had somehow softened over the years - you aren't that person - you are you. I can accept that because I don't need that fairytale anymore because I have a real man, who is all the things I hoped you could be...and more.

So, good bye Rett

The Job Description

Well...it has happened - love has entered my life again. It is different this time from the others and I'm not sure how to describe it yet. It just feels differently than the others. It isn't scary or needy or one-sided or abnormal - it is just there. I truly believed that it was utterly elusive to me and that I would likely never find it again, if I had ever really found it before...but here I am - in it.

Why is it that we 'fall' in love? That would imply that there is a leaping off, or a stumbling into, but it isn't like that at all. It is a building of love, just like a construction site, in that you need to have supplies - like caring and understanding. You must have a solid footing or foundation to build upon. That's what I am trying to do this time. I'm not rushing nor do I feel rushed. I am building something that will withstand the passage of time, the storms of the ages, and will still be standing straight and strong even after I am gone.

He is a lovely man, who has touched my heart, not so much with what he says, but with what he does. The little things, that you would likely not even notice, are the ones that I cherish. I have never been into grandiose gestures or lavish gifts, but do something thoughtful and I am yours for life. For instance (and there are so many), the way he reaches for my hand when we are walking or the smile on his face when he sees me - those moments can't be fabricated - they are real.

He has a saying that he uses regularly when I say thank you to him for doing something - he says "It's part of the job description", and by saying that he means that I don't need to thank him for doing something...but I do. He has no idea how thankful I am for him. How thankful I am for having met him. How thankful I am that he is in my life.

If I were to write a job description, I would ask for a man with integrity, honesty, compassion, understanding, passion, intelligence and most of all wit. He meets all my requirements and some I didn't even know I required.

So...thank you Mr. Compassion for being in my life and letting me 'fall' in love with you. It isn't frightening at all when you have a warm, soft, safe place to fall.

Feast of Love

"There is a story about the Greek Gods; they were bored so they invented human beings, but they were still bored so they invented love, then they weren't bored any longer. So they decided to try love for themselves. And finally, they invented laughter, so they could stand it." From the movie Feast of Love.

I watched a movie last night and it began with this quote which caused me to think for a while - doesn't it ring true? How can we take love so seriously? Or better yet...Why do we take love so seriously? It is supposed to make us feel free, happy, content, and comfortable. It isn't supposed to cause us doubts, or worry or unease. And laughter is not just a nice diversion - it is a necessity.

I am at a crossroad in my journey. I have met someone who is making me so very happy. For the first time in my life I feel at peace. There is no question of neediness or wanting more than what is being given. There is no question of trust. There are no questions at all. It just feels - right, and it isn't an effort.

Last evening we were sitting out by the pool just holding hands and talking...sometimes just sitting and not talking but it didn't feel uncomfortable to be silent with him. At some point I removed my hand from his to get a drink and after I was finished - he reached for my hand. I know this is not a huge gesture, but I noted it because - he reached for me...I didn't reach for him. He wants me as much as I want him - it is an equal relationship. It's sad but at 50 I think it is the first time I have felt that reciprocation in a relationship.

I am aware that it is early days yet, and that things could change, but we are both aware of this. We are taking it slowly and cautiously - one day at a time. We talk about the future but in abstract terms only, nothing concrete yet because it is too soon to make those kind of plans. I'm not ready to think that far ahead, nor is he. We've both been badly wounded by love and still feel the sting of it, but we are willing to take the leap together, but this time we are hanging onto the strings of the parachute to guide us to a safe landing.

And we are remembering to laugh...

Irish Eyes

I haven't written in many weeks because I have been busy living my life. That doesn't mean that there hasn't been anything to write about it's just that I'd rather be living than writing.

Speaking of writing, I have been corresponding with an Irish man for the past six weeks or so and he has caught my interest. I met him on one of the dating sites and it was at a time when I was losing faith in the ability of these sites to actually help you meet someone good...but I was wrong.

I've e-mailed, chatted, met and dated a few men from the site so I now have an idea of who is out there looking, and frankly, it's filled with wounded, jaded, hurtful, spiteful and horny men. I'm sure if this were being written by a man, he would have the same comments about the women.

I've also discovered that the majority of the men have been abused which was shocking to me. One doesn't often think about men and abuse together. It is more thought of from the female perspective - but there they are. I have no experience with abused men so I'm not sure how to react when they share their stories of hurt. All I can do is listen and hopefully be supportive. I wonder though if the reason they are divorced or single has a corelation to their abuse. It is difficult, if not impossible to get over abuse and it leaves a trail a deep, dark hurt.

Some were abused by their parents, some by family members, some by church minister/priests. To build trust with these men is a huge issue that takes time, lots of time and in the fast-paced on-line dating world - I'm not sure if they will succeed. Some have worked very hard to overcome their issues, others have safety mechanism that they have used all their lives that work for them - but not so well for relationships. They protect themselves from being hurt again and unfortunately it also protects/prevents them from falling in love - but it works for them and who am I to argue.

But just when I was losing hope of finding someone without issues, along came my Irish Eyes. His first e-mail to me was simple and honest. I can't remember exactly what he wrote but I remember that it seemed so different from the correspondence I usually receive. I replied and that started a writing spree that has gone on for six weeks. He isn't long-winded or poetic, but it is pure.

Somewhere along the way I started asking questions to try and understand who this mysterious man was and he replied to every one. He is playful and fun to write to. And he is oh so different than all the others. He never asked for my picture, preferring to get to know who I was from the inside out, rather than judging me on my outer shell. He does have a bad habit of replying to questions with another question especially if it is something he isn't totally comfortable answering - but eventually he has answered everything.

A few weeks ago I asked him why he hadn't asked for a photo and he replied "I thought that when you felt comfortable enough, you would ask me for a picture or send one to me. I thought that you were not in a great hurry." You gotta like a guy who says things like that - or at least I do. Most of the men want a picture right away...now, now...now!!! But not Irish Eyes.

While we were writing about whether or not we would exchange photos, I told him that I already had a picture of what he looked like in my head. He told me he wouldn't send me his picture until I told him what I thought he looked like. So I said "Intense eyes but a warm smile. I would say longer hair with maybe a wave in it. Distinct cheekbones, strong features, but soft lips. A kind face which is a reflection of who you are." After I sent that e-mail, he sent his picture and I couldn't have been more right. Scarey!! It is as if I have seen him before but I haven't.

I always worry about sending my picture because...well, just because. It is easy for me to write and tell people about myself but when it comes to sharing a picture all the insecurities come out - that fat child in me will never go away. I always send a preface with my picture...something like "I hate having my picture taken and it shows through the camera." I feel so exposed when I send it and I have even said "Well, if I don't hear from you again...I'll know why." My innerself hopes that they will be able to look beyond and see who is inside, but truthfully, few do...but Irish Eyes is different.

He is from Ireland but has been here for years - but the brogue is still there. He looks Irish and I'm not stereotyping here...he just looks like someone with Irish roots. He is proud of his heritage and since I am Scottish, he takes every opportunity to kid me about it - the feud between the countries continues but we have found common ground with our mutual dislike of England. He likes to pretend that he is pompous and has from time to time pounded his chest but about two weeks ago he shared a story that gave me an insight into who he really is.

He sent me an e-mail just before the weekend and he said that his life was going to change over the next day or two but he didn't want to bore me with the details. Well, you know me...that just piqued my interst so I told him to bore me.

Well, turns out he was taking in his ex-in-laws to live with him. They had been in separate nursing homes and his mother-in-law is quite ill and bedridden. When he heard the story he asked if there was anything he could do to help...well, he lives alone and has the room, so he took them in. When he shared this story with me, my reply to him was "Now, there is the man I want to get to know." That is who he is. More than a picture this story told me more about him than the multitude of e-mails we had exchanged...this man has integrity, depth and the warmest heart I have EVER seen.

So...last week I met him for the first time. We had lunch together and it was lovely. He is exactly the same in person as he has been through his writing - funny, playful, sincere, caring, observant and patient. And did I mention he has the most beautiful green Irish eyes I have ever seen.

I thought this one was a keeper, but today I received an e-mail from him that has ended my time with him. I should have known...and I think I did deep down - there wasn't the same curiousity on his part. At first I thought he was just playing hard to get - but no...he really wasn't interested after we met. He told me there was no physical attraction on his part. At least he was honest - and blunt. It stung to read the words because I had hoped. Rejection is never easy no matter how it is said.

So I said my good bye and wished him well, but it won't be the same without my banter with him.

My search continues...

Happy Mother's Day

Today has always been difficult for me, another day when I suffer in silence. There will be no long stemmed roses, no home-made cards, no breakfast made with sticky hands and overcooked toast and there has never been.

I've listened to so many parents complain about their children and the problems they bring and the time they require. If they only knew how lucky they were. What I would give to have a child require my attention. If they only knew how empty it feels to not have children.

I know it is just another day...another Sunday like all the others but it is a day that I find very lonely. Over the years I have tried a multitude of ways to distract myself. I have cleaned windows, washed walls, gone for long drives, invited friends over but it always ends the same way - I am alone.

Last year my cousin brought her daughter (the light of my life) in for a visit and that was wonderful. I got to have her give me a hug and lots of kisses. There is something about a hug from a child that feels so loving. When you get a hug from a spouse or an adult - it doesn't feel the same. When a child hugs you it is for nothing more than to be close and to let you know that they love you. They don't want anything more than that. It is such a pure love - that which is only possible from a child. It was my best Mother's Day yet.

I know I am blessed because I still have my mother in my life and not many women my age have that luxury. She is a special lady and has brought nothing but joy into my life. She is funny, loving, intelligent, steadfast and the best mother in the world. She would have made an outstanding grandmother and I regret that she will never have the chance.

But...it is just a day, another Sunday.

For those of you who have children, please cherish them. As much work and trouble as they can be you are very lucky to have them...and they you. So celebrate your day mothers, take a moment to hug your child and tell them they are loved.

One small set-back

I can't explain it, or ignore it, or pretend today because the feelings are overwhelming me. You are on my mind...in my mind disturbing my thoughts, eeking in where I don't want you to be. I have no idea why you are there, but there you are. Why won't you just go away and leave me to hell alone. Let me be and let me go.

Maybe it's because I am tired...not just physically but mentally exhausted. I need so badly to get away from all of this and just relax.

I just figured it out...I have been at the hospital with my cousin who is recovering from surgery - hospital again...and there are the memories. I don't even consciously think of it...but it is there. The smells, the sounds, the unheard cries, the heard cries and out the memories come to play. They are still that close to the surface even after all this time. I HATE hospitals.

In my head I understand the purpose they serve, and thank God we have them, but in my heart they represent a whole different world. Each time I enter the doors, no matter how good I feel, my breathing changes and there is a grasp around my heart, pulling me back in time. I can't shake it no matter how hard I try, my sub-conscious will not let it go.

Well, at least the mystery is solved, and I understand why I am feeling you today. I knew there had to be some realiatic, logical reason for my slip. Now it is time again to re-group, re-gather, re-dress and re-coup yet again. A small set-back on the road of life.

I am okay...I am always okay.

Self-fulfilling Prophecies

Self-fulfilling prophecies should be an oddity in life, but I am finding more and more that it is common in mine.

Mr. Reality and I have been 'seeing' one another for about seven weeks now. I say 'about' because for the first time in my life I have no idea what the date was when we met. I didn't note it as I usually do, because I wasn't expecting there to be a second date. I went into this with the attitude that it was a one-off...a one-night stand of my choosing, but it didn't work that way. I'm not sure if it was my doing or his, or perhaps both of us, but somehow it has become something else.

But there is a problem, and it is I. He has been sick with a very bad cold - viral pneumonia to be exact, for the last several weeks and up until a week ago, he was still out and about for the most part. Last Sunday, he was supposed to come over around suppertime, but as the afternoon wore on and I didn't hear from him - I became concerned. As the evening came and went my panic level increased and well...I went overboard as only I can do.

I have been trying to play it cool with him, trying not to get involved, trying to keep my boundaries. I haven't shared my story with him because I don't know him well enough to let him 'into' my life. I am trying, but it isn't easy.

I am new to dating, especially this new venue. I don't want to define what we have. I don't want there to be rules. To be honest I didn't want there to be a 'we', but somehow, here I am. I didn't even know there was a 'we' until about a week ago when he made an off-the-cuff reference to my garage and the fact that it needed to be painted, and he said "We should do that this summer." There it was - out there and I have no idea how it came about. He also was popping in after work, unannounced most evenings just to visit, taking liberties that I hadn't agreed to, but it was okay.

But...I don't take those kind of liberties and I have been very cautious about what I ask, and what I do. I don't have his address or his phone number. He has never volunteered it, and I have never asked. That is my boundary and my way of keeping my distance.

On to my story...since I last saw him on Sunday night he has been in bed sick. We e-mailed one another frequently during the day with check-ins on his health. Yesterday he had a particularly bad day and finally he was vomitting, and that worried me. I assumed that he was alone and that no one was checking on him. I sent an e-mail asking him to go to the hospital and if he wanted I would meet him there. WELL...apparently that was another over-the-top request. He was angry and felt smothered (not his words...mine).

I am struggling with boundaries and where I fit and what I am allowed to do. The only good thing is that he is a communicator and rather than just back away from me, he talks it out. We talked about it (through IM) for quite a while last night, and I felt like a child being scolded. What could I say? I said I was sorry and that it would never happen again.

What is it about men and worry?

He is a strong person, self-assured and I guess by saying that I was worried he assumed that meant he wasn't doing what he should for himself. I have had to take care of so many people, that I just naturally go into nurturing mode - and some people don't like that - mostly men.

So...I have to pull back and adjust. I can do it because frankly, that's where I want to be anyway - less invested. I need to concentrate on me and not him. Old habits are really hard to break but if I don't change I will ruin whatever it is that we have - a self-fulfilling prophecy. A learning curve of sorts for a beginner in the dating world. Relax, live, love, and laugh. Enjoy the day and not one second more than today because it is all we have.

Chapter 4 - Endings and Beginnings

I experienced the other side of ending a relationship yesterday. I have never broken up with someone, other than my husband, and it is not an easy thing to do. I wanted to be thoughtful and caring, and I took time to think about how I felt when I have been on the receiving end of a break-up.

Mr. Skinny Guy didn't take my hints or my aloofness as an indication that I didn't feel the same way as he did, and I had to find a way to let him go. He is a caring and sensitive man, and I didn't want to hurt his feelings or just disappear. I wanted him to understand why I was leaving him. For me, the most difficult part of a break-up is not knowing why, so I wanted to be clear and kind.

Okay, I wasn't totally honest with him, but to tell him that I had met someone else would have been hurtful, and unproductive. He doesn't need to know. I never said I wasn't pursuing other options, nor did I ask him for exclusivity.

Here is what I wrote to him.

Hi Skinny Guy,

This is not easy for me to do, but I have to go away. Being sick these last couple of weeks has given me time to think and prioritize my life. Things are going to be difficult for my family for the next little while, and I need to concentrate on them and not me.

Thank you for spending time with me, and I appreciate all the time we have shared, but I need to be on my own with my family now.

You are a wonderful man, and you are making a new start in your new apartment, and it should be without ties to before. You will find that woman of your dreams; I am sure of that because you deserve to find what you are looking for...but I am not her...I am way too complicated and jaded for someone as young as you. Find a younger woman with a fresh outlook on life who can dream with you and create the life you want.

Stay creative and true to yourself and be happy.

Sincerely,
Annette

I thought it created softness to the ending, so that he could take something positive out of our time together and move on. There was no negativity or nastiness, just honesty. He had gotten too close, too quickly, and with no reciprocation from me, and the break needed to be clean and clear, and I think it was.

I also ended my time with Mr. Fantasy Guy last night, but this one bothered me, because I really liked him. He is a genuinely nice man who was so gentle with me, and guided me into the world of dating. He was the first man I met when I started on-line dating, and I was very lucky to have met him when there are so many bad people out there. Maybe it bothered me to lose him because he was my first - so to speak.

The reason I ended it with him, was because our 'relationship' had reached its end. We never met. I'm not sure if he is just excruciatingly shy, scared or if that is all he wanted, and I will never know. But I wanted to meet him and tried a couple of times to orchestrate a meeting, but each time, he shyed away, leaving me feeling very alone.

He has a tendency to run hot and cold - lots of contact or none, and I never knew if he would be there or not. He played games on the IM system; where he would appear, and then disappear, and well...you know me...I don't play games anymore. So last night when he started playing around, I had enough and I sent him an e-mail and told him I was going away from him - no more contact. But when I sent the e-mail I felt a tug on my heart, because I will miss him. He sent a lovely note back, saying that he understood exactly what I was feeling, and that he hoped that I would be happy. He is a kind and gentle soul and I hope that we can be friends. Time will tell.

So I am down to only one...Mr. Reality, and we are having fun and he feels comfortable to me...and we laugh. And really, what more can I ask for at this stage in my life, but to have someone who makes me happy. Life is good - today.

Milestones

For anyone who has lost someone who was important in their life, you will understand milestones. There is the first missed birthday, the first anniversary, the first Christmas, and a whole series of firsts, that you celebrate alone. No one is immune to these dates - no one. I know I am more susceptible to them than most people because dates are important to me, and always have been. There is always someone in a family who is the 'keeper' of dates, and that would be me. If there is a significant date to be remembered, I store it away and file it with a reminder note.

I don't know why that is, but it has always been like that. I think it speaks to who I am. I am thoughtful, both in the terms of being pensive and holding thoughts. I cherish people and hold them very close to my heart. I try to think of them...hold them in my head whether they are still with us or not. I don't want to lose people, and I don't handle loss well.

My first loss that I remember was my grandfather on my father's side of my family. He passed away when I was just two, but I remember my times with him to this day. He was elderly and not well, so he spent a lot of time in the house...with me. He read to me, and I would sit on his lap and look up into his soft mustached face and ask to hear the same story repeated too many times, and he never lost patience with me. He was a good grandfather and I loved him.

I remember the day he passed away. Although I didn't really know what death was at two, I knew there was something up. He had been sick and in bed for a while and when no one was looking I would go into his room and reach waaaaayyyyy up and touch his arm. He would turn his head, look waaaaaayyyyy down and smile at me, and off I would go, fulfilled. I knew he loved me. On the day he died I went in and reached waaaaaayyyyyy up and touched his arm...but my touch wasn't returned and there was no smile. In my heart I knew he wasn't there anymore...but I still knew he loved me.

I guess that's what I am looking for with everyone who has left my life. I hold onto them by remembering the milestones to honor them, to show my love for them.

Chapter 3 - The Wake

I have been feeling under the weather for the last couple of days and really miserable on Wednesday night. I had a mysterious pain that I get from time to time and being the creative person that I am, my mind wandered to a bad place. I was thinking that it likely could be cancer of the liver and my days on this fine earth could be numbered. Okay, the pain was really intense, so I thought that whatever this was it could take me away.

Then my mind went to my wake and the attendees. This brought a smile to my face for some strange reason. I was thinking about my new-found male friends and how they would handle me being gone. I thought of Mr. Reality Guy who is a writer and a wonderful public speaker and I thought he could do the eulogy (he has a wicked sense of humor so it would be light and funny - just the way I would want it). My. Fantasy Guy of course would not show his face but would be lurking in the background - he would attend but couldn't possibly be seen. And finally there would be Mr. Skinny Guy who would, of course, be devastated by my demise and would likely throw himself on the casket, and may even attempt to climb into my casket. Okay - it would have to be a closed casket.

This is what my mind does when it is unoccupied by concrete things. It would be so good to harness this energy for something good, but oh no...this is just so much more fun.

After conjuring up these images, my pain was not pre-occupying my mind so much and I took something to help me sleep. I toddled off to bed with a slight smile on my face, picturing it all.

You see...I am having fun, and even though I wasn't feeling well, I could still see the humor in life. That's what being happy does; it allows you to see the humor in ALL situations. A year ago I couldn't have done this, but now I can, and I do. My life is good and I am grateful for it all - pain included.

Chapter 2 - Mr. Skinny Guy

Well...I just have to write this because it is too priceless to keep to myself. I had another date tonight...not with Mr. Yummy or Mr. Fantasy or Mr. Reality...but with Mr. Skinny Guy. Yes, I know, it is hard to believe, but at 50 I have 4 men on the go. Now, before you get your tail-feathers in a knot...I am dating for the first time in...well, my life. I have a lot of time to make up for, since I figure I only have about 10 years of dating left - so I have to work quickly and yes, even have a couple at a time on the go.

Back to tonight. Mr. Skinny Guy is a lovely younger man who introduced himself to me about a month ago. We e-mailed for a while, then we switched to IM, and eventually moved on to the phone, but we had never met...until tonight. He had been talking about a film he wanted me to see called The Fountain, so I inviting him over to see the film. And I repeat "to see the film!!!"

He is sensitive, caring, slow to make a move, and young...I'm not talking chronological age but maturity. He is 45 but he looks about 25 and I have NO idea what he sees in me. Oh, and did I mention that he is five foot six inches and weighs 125 pounds!! I don't even have a girlfriend who weighs 125 pounds. I could break him.

All jokes aside here people...I am a 50 year old woman and I look 50!!! I don't look young for my age, nor do I try to hide it, or lie about it. I am proud of each and every year I have lived. But for some unknown reason, he finds me attractive, and that's flattering to a certain extent.

I didn't want to date him, if the truth be told, but I had promised him that I would watch the movie with him, and I am a woman of my word. So, I had procrastinated as long as I could, and tonight was the night (so to speak). I told him to be here around 7 and we would have dessert and popcorn. I kept it really light and there was no sexual play through the phone or the IM's.

WELL...Mr. Skinny Guy arrived at my door on time, with...are you sitting down...an overnight bag!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As soon as I saw it I thought OH MY GOD! But, you know those little voices that we have speaking to us from time to time, well I have learned to listen clearly to what they say, and before Mr. Skinny Guy arrived, I put my sling on my arm. I pinched a nerve in my neck last week and it has been irritating the hell out of me. The only time my arm is comfortable is in the sling, resting.

Well, we watched the movie and he insisted that I sit beside him all snuggled under a blanket, which was okay, but it really was hard on my shoulder, so when the movie ended I was seriously cramped from my neck to my finger tips (okay, it could be partially my age). I winced when I uncovered myself from the blanket and he reached over to rub my shoulder. Then he moved in for a kiss, and he's a good kisser, so I returned the kiss. But I wasn't comfortable and pulled away from him to re-position myself. Then he said "I can solve that." And then he proceeded to SIT ON MY LAP!!! Okay, it's not bad enough this guy seems way too young to me, or that he is the size of a child, but now he is SITTING ON MY KNEE - yewwwwww!!!!

I don't care how well you kiss, that is an image that just doesn't do anything for my libido - at all. So, I cringed and he thought I was cringing in pain, and I let him run with that. He backed off and said that I really should take something for the pain and go to bed. YES...I need to take something, like a stiff drink to get that image out of my head.

So, Mr. Skinny Guy has gone, and I will have to come up with a tender-hearted way to let him go, because I just can't EVER do that again. It makes me shiver to think about it, and not in a good way.

Hope your evening was better than mine!!!

And for those of you who care...the movie was good.

Chapter 1 - Sex in the CyberSpace

Since it is a day to stay inside (even the police are telling us to stay off the roads) I have decided to use my time creatively and create a new blog to help new entrants to the on-line dating services. I have discovered that there is no user's guide...and if anything needs guidance it is new users on these sites!!!

I have been a patron of the sites for the last couple of months and the learning curve has been very steep. It has been an eye-opening experience to say the least. I have met some of the weirdest people with some of the strangest...let's just say foibles. There are other words, less polite, but for now I will use foibles because I don't want to be judgmental...I'll leave that up to you.

I'm also not quite sure what it is about my simple little profile that attracts men with these idiosyncrasies but maybe I should let you read what I put, so that you can see from whenst I cometh. Here is what I wrote...

I am gregarious, fun-loving, faithful, loyal (God...I sound like a dog lol) and I am looking for someone who shares these qualities. I want to have fun with someone who is innately happy. My perfect mate would be willing to share his life stories and willing to listen to mine. I want someone to share my life, not be my life.

Sport - yes I even watch golf and hockey so you won't have to explain what's going on to me. I play golf in the summer (very badly) and I don't get angry when I don't do well...because I am learning. I am a huge Senators fan - okay...I have to admit that when I was younger (and stupider) I was a Leaf's fan (don't know what I was thinking!).

Most of my own house renovations I do myself, so I am just as comfortable putting up drywall as I am going to the theatre. I do all my own painting and have been known to help others - (it's not rocket science, it's just paint!)

I mow my own lawn and do my own gardening, and would rather be outside during the summer than stuck in the house. I have a pool and although it is a lot of work...nothing beats a dip on those steamy summer days.

Sorry, I'm not much into winter sports (I dislike being cold) - so I spend my spare time (after shoveling of course) writing. I am an ardent observer of people because I draw my characters from the people I have met hence I am a very good listener.

I have been told that I have a wicked sense of humor, and enjoy nothing more than having a good laugh (yes, and most of the time, it is at something I have done). Life is too short to take things too seriously - have some fun people!

For a first date I think that we could start with going out for a coffee or a drink. There would be a conversation that would likely include many questions, so that we could get to know one another better.

Thank you for taking the time to read my profile, and I hope to hear from you."

Okay...I have just re-read it and it still sounds normal to me. Maybe there is some secret code that men have - could it be the words "fun-loving"? Do you suppose that could be construed as "open to any person with a fetish"?

Let's start at the beginning. Early in February I decided that I needed to get myself into the dating market and since I am not into the bar scene, I thought I would give the on-line venue a whirl. I started with Match.com since it appeared to be the best or at least that's what their marketing department would like us to believe (could be a false assumption that I based my research upon.) I signed up and paid my dues for a month. Shorty thereafter I 'met' my Nigeria, which I have already written about, but really he was only the first in a string of illegal’s trying to con me into paying for their entrance into our fair country.

A couple of days after that episode I signed onto Lavallife. It is user-friendly and had a much more prolific choice of men. It really is like on-line shopping; you put in your specifications, like height, age, and marital status and run a query and POOF....there they are...a list of potential dates.

Yeah...POOF is right. But now you are left with the decision of making "first contact". It is a bit Star Trek-ish, where you are entering an unknown land, filled with aliens. And I am using the term 'aliens' here with intent, because many are aliens to the human race - not just to our country!

At first I assumed that people were who they said they were, after all I had been honest and straightforward in my profile and my statistics. I didn't lie about my weight...I said I was above average. I didn't lie about my height - I said I was 5' 2". I didn't lie about anything because if I did...what would be the point? There....that's the point - I am assuming that everyone on these sites is here for the same thing as I - WRONG!!!!

There is a plethora of men who are on these sites for one thing, and one thing only - SEX. And from my short experience - most of them are looking for phone-sex. And....are you ready for this...most of them are married. Okay, I suppose most of you are intelligent enough to have already figured this out, but I have been out of the dating market for MANY years and I guess I am naive. It is not a place for naivety.

But the writer in me is naturally curious, so when one of these aliens come calling; my first instinct is to find out more about them. It is a safe environment because you are anonymous until you decide to share your identity - if you ever do.

To give you a for instance of my curiosity, the other night I was on one of the sites, checking my e-mail and I received an Instant Message (IM) from someone. You can accept or decline when an IM comes in, and you can check the profile of the person IM-ing you. I checked and he seemed to be within my range of age and he was a professional - everything seemed okay to accept his invitation to chat.

We started chatting with the normal set of questions concerning likes and dislikes, which I can now type in my sleep. I usually throw in a new one just to keep them on their toes. I really like "How do you vent anger?" or "Tell one good thing about the last relationship you had." Both of these questions tell you something about the character behind the messages. So...we chatted back and forth for about 15 or 20 minutes, and then came THE question. He asked me "So (it's never good when a question starts with 'so') do you have any fetishes?" To which I replied "Fetish is such an odd word...one person's fetish is another person's fantasy. And you?"

As soon as I pressed the return key, I pulled up my shoulders and half closed my eyes, cringing at the thought of the response I would likely get to that question. He was typing a response, so I knew it was coming..."Well...yes I do...I have a foot fetish." Okay, it wasn't as bad as I anticipated, but really, what do I know about foot fetishes. My curiosity and humor got the best of me, so I responded "Oh, that's nothing...I have a shoe fetish!" Yes, we had soooo much in common - NOT!

Then the flurry of questions from him started "Do you have big feet?" Remember to say these questions with a sexual tone to your voice when you read them. It helps to get into their mood. I wasn't sure whether it was a 'good' thing to have small feet or not, but I had to be honest, so I replied "No, I have small feet, size 7” To which he responded "But are they wide?" I could almost hear him drooling at the thought of a WIDE foot. It is a whole different set of sexual talk - foreplay words. But as a writer it is interesting and new so I play along with him for a while, and then he says "Have you ever had phone sex? Can I call you?"

What the hell is this? Is no one having regular sex in the new millennium? Have things changed so much in twenty six year? Are people so afraid of diseases and stalkers that they prefer to do "it" without ever connecting? Have we become such a hi-tech society we have even replaced our intimacy with disconnectedness? What has happened to us?

Chapter 85 - A year ago today

I made a promise to myself late in January that as of February 1st, 2008, I would no longer talk about Rett. Yes, it was as simple as that, pick a date and that was it. I have made a conscious effort not to utter his name around my friends and family or anyone for that matter, and so far I have been able to keep my word for the most part. It is a bit like quitting smoking, they tell you just to pick a date and then do it!

My therapist (licensed-thank you) was worried that I was tucking things away again, but it doesn't feel like that to me. It has been dealt with, sorted, and stored - nothing more to say really. I don't want to be one of those women in their seventies and eighties still talking about that "one" love of their life, because he wasn't THE love of my life. I am hoping that the ONE love of my life is still to be found. I am hopeful.

But today is the exception to my self-imposed restriction on Rett-talk because it is the anniversary of the day I sent that infamous e-mail...it is his birthday - 49 years old today, March 4th. I had to mark the day somehow, since he was on my mind, and I won't be sending any e-mails this year.

I was vulnerable and lonely when I sent that e-mail, and hurt. It is a bit like going to get groceries when you are hungry - you end up with food in your cart you really didn't want. I know what my motives were when I sent the e-mail, but somehow I ended up in a place I never meant to go, because I was starving for attention and love.

Happy Birthday Rett James Muttler.

As I have said before, I wish him no harm, and I truly hope he has found happiness. No one should have to go through life without finding love and contentment, as that would be a waste of a life. No one should travel along the path of life alone. Everyone should have someone to share with, to experience things together. No one should be alone, unless they choose to be.

It has been a year today, and I want to look back and see what the year has brought me. I can hardly believe all that has happened in twelve short months. A few months ago I didn't believe I would ever be happy again, but I am. The pain and the suffering are over and I can see daylight. I am in a much better state of mind than I have been in many, many years.

Things are unfolding as they should and I am getting on with my life - living again, but this time not 'for' someone else or 'through' someone else. It has been a long time since I have lived for me. I have moved on, and I am moving on...one day at a time.

I still have a hole in my heart, but it is healing, slowly. I can think of it now without that lump forming in my chest and moving up to my throat and ending in my tears. I can see now that I was duped and played, and while that hurts, it has toughened me up a bit, and I needed that. My eyes are much more open now to signs of disinterest and uncaring.

I have to share my thoughts because that is what this blog has been all about, and I want to be honest. I did wonder if Rett thought about me today, or if his mind went back to a year ago and the first e-mail. I'm sure his self-centred brain was on the outlook today for another one from me - maybe a little worried about what craziness I might get up to - but there is no crazy here...there never was. That part was all in his mind. But I suspect I am but a dull memory in the recesses of his brain - a spec in the sands of his mind's desert. But...he will never forget my name again, of that I am sure.

Oh what a year it has been. I have come from such a dark, desperate place to a much brighter, carefree space. I feel so open and light. No more heaviness or darkness. No more closets to clean, no more shadows to fear. It is like starting over with a clean slate and I just want to scribble all over it - giggling all the while. There is no one to tell me to stay within the lines. There is no one to blame when things go awry because I am in control and responsible, and so far it just feels right.

I have met some new people - some good - some not, but each one has brought me something - an experience to add to my life. The difference this time is that I can let go, and go on to the next. I am not lingering and holding onto something that doesn't feel right because I don't have to. I know who I am and what I want and MOST importantly what I don't want. I will not settle for second best ever again because I deserve the best.

Do you know how good that feels? How good it feels to have your self-worth restored and to know that you worked through every horrid detail of your life to climb the mountain called Self Confidence? I am sure Sir Edmund Hillary did not work as hard to climb his mountains, as I have over the last twelve months. It left me exhausted and spent, but the feeling of exhiliaration once completed, made the trip worthwhile.

I feel as if I have travelled two lifetimes in the past year, but I think I have reached my destination, and I can be happy again.

So, enjoy your day Rett, and linger for a small moment and think back over the year. Review your actions and reactions and see if you can smile. I know I can.

Chapter 84 - Just Yummy

I have to write about my week because it has been huge for me. I went out on my first date in twenty six years!!! Yes, with a real live person. It all started on Friday when I was on one of the on-line dating sites, checking my mail and suddenly I had a new e-mail. It was from a man that I had looked at the first day I signed up, but once I read his statistics - I thought...no, he is just too perfect and he would never be interested in me. His written profile was so poetic and he seemed so free by what he wrote. So...I went on my way to see who else might be there.

The e-mail that I received from him simply said "What kind of fun is a separated lady looking for on a Friday??" Well, as soon as I saw his userid, I knew who he was because I remembered him well. So I set off into a conversation with him that went on for a couple of hours. He is playful, yet sincere and just plain old nice.

We e-mailed most of Friday and again on Saturday. He wanted to meet me, but I wasn't ready yet for that, so I suggested a phone call first. I agreed to call him Saturday night. I called and it went to an answering machine, but the voice disturbed me. It was him, but in my mind I had created a voice that I thought would be his, and this was nothing like I had imagined. It was so different...I hung up without leaving a message.

We had also made plans to set up a meeting time for Sunday by e-mailing early Sunday morning. I checked on Sunday morning, and no word from him. Well, as you probably know by now...I am really not a patient person any more...no more waiting, so when I did finally hear from him in the afternoon and he wanted to know when we would meet, I told him I had already made alternate plans. I said that I thought he had moved on to someone else in the quick paced cyber world. He said he was sorry, and no, he hadn't moved along. We again exchanged a flurry of e-mails and he was oh so poetic and touching. I decided to bite the bullet and take a chance. I agreed to meet him the next evening for a drink.

Oh my god...what was I thinking...what do I know about dating...what will we talk about...what will I wear...what if he doesn't like me...what if I don't like him...what if I can't get my tongue unstuck from the roof of my mouth???????? What the HELL was I thinking?

I was thinking...it is time to get on with my life.

Monday was an excruciatingly long day and I had a devilish time concentrating on work. I was terrified yet excited. I finally left work early to prepare for the meeting.

Cathy, my soul mate in life, came over to drive me to the restaurant where I was to meet him. Cathy and I had a plan to meet for supper, if the drink with him didn't go well. It is always good to have a back-up plan. I was hesitant about going, so much so, that Cathy had to tell me that it was time to leave or I would be late...I am never late.

I get to the restaurant and Cathy offers to come in and not sit with me...but in another booth just so that I feel comfortable. I tell her no...I will be okay. I go into the bar and find a table, sort of secluded, in the corner and a vantage point where I can watch the door. It is 6:20 and I have 10 minutes to wait for him.

I order a glass of wine. I haven't had a drink since my New Year's Eve drinking debacle, but again...there are some times when a drink is more than necessary, it is a requirement. I try to sip it, but I am so dry. I take a stick of gum from my purse and chew on it to get the saliva going again. I look around the bar and everyone looks so young. I am so old and what the hell am I doing here? I check my watch again...okay, five minutes have passed. I take out my cell phone and text another girlfriend who knows what I am up to. All I text is "I am so nervous". It feels good to share and it occupies me for another minute or two.

Okay...it is 6:30 and he is not there yet. How long do I wait? Will he stand me up? God that would be awful to be left here all alone. I told the waitress I was meeting someone, and if he doesn't show up...I will look like such a loser. Stop it!!!! Don't go there!!! Think positive thoughts Annette...only positive thoughts.

I keep checking the door every time I hear it open - why don't they put some WD40 on that thing so that I can't hear when people are opening the door. Finally I see him fly in the door. He walks right passed me and I don't say a word - I am just watching him...I can't speak yet. He turns around and our eyes meet and he sees me...and he smiles. He walks over to me and gives me a kiss. He tastes so good and his lips are soft. He says "You taste good."

So, there it was, staring me directly in the face, my future, my possibilities, my hope. Was I going to run away too scared to take that chance? Was I going to spend the rest of my life wondering what it would feel like to enjoy the company of a man - a man who might possibly be normal? Someone who I can be me with, and just have some fun. Remember the fun you had as an adolescent...I never had that...remember the fun you had as a young adult...I never had that either. So, here I am, a fifty year old woman and I am experiencing fun for the first time.

He sits down and starts to talk - his voice doesn't sound like it did on his answering machine - he has a lovely voice. He talked, and talked and talked and it was perfect because all I could do at first was look at him. I was thinking "He's here...he's normal...he's lovely." My eyes couldn't look away from his for the first little while. He has the deepest blue eyes and they are happy eyes. His face is calm and sincere. Yes, I think this will be okay.

We chat and have another drink of wine. Then we have a bite to eat. He is very easy to talk with and he is interesting to listen to. The conversation was seamless and comfortable. No long pauses or awkward moments at all.

After a while he goes to the washroom and when he returns he comes over to me and kisses me. This time it was a passionate kiss, and it was as if we were the only two people in the room...no one else existed for a moment. He made my knees weak. He is a very good kisser!!!

I asked him to come back to the house for a coffee, because by now I know that he isn't a serial killer or dangerous, and I trust him. We come to the house and I go the kitchen to start the coffee and he follows me. He again takes me into his arms and kisses me. God it has been so long since I have been kissed like that and it felt oh so good.

We sat and drank coffee and chatted for a couple of hours. He is interesting and gentle - soft spoken and a good listener. We are comfortable with one another. He says he has to leave because we are supposed to be getting a storm and he has a busy day tomorrow. In my head I am thinking "I don't want him to leave."

We kiss again at the door and I feel something inside starting in the pit of my stomach and it runs all through my body - I feel alive. We ask no questions about next time, nor do we make any promises. We just had a really nice evening. But as soon as the door closed I thought "I wonder if he liked me? I wonder if he will call. I wonder if he will e-mail me." It may be twenty six years since I dated, but really nothing has changed except the year.

He did write the next day...and every day since. He is a sweet man, and I refer to him as "Yummy!" It was a very nice introduction into dating again.

I know I am being tiresome for some of you to listen to as I rattle on about my latest story of 'romance', but for me it is as exciting as winning a lottery, so be patient with me and let me ....be me.

Chapter 83 - Self Worth

I have been working very hard to understand my life and who I am. It has been the most difficult work I have undertaken. You have to be honest...brutally so, and sometimes you don't want to hear what you need to hear, because it hurts. Self-inflicted pain is hard to take.

The past couple of weeks I have been spending time with Tim, a man I met on one of the on-line dating sights. We have never met but we have spent a lot of time together. At first he was very attentive and I really enjoyed it. He made me feel special and needed (wow...there it is again). He isn't a bad man or an abuser...but he is a man, and as most of them do, once he 'had' me, the attention waned.

But, I am proud of myself. This time I did not wait around until I embarrassed myself. Tonight I took the bull by the horns, and I cut him off. Just like that...no words...no excuses...no explanation....just gone. I am tired of being treated badly and I will not stand for it again. He was playing a game with me through the IM system, and frankly...I don't play games, and I don't appreciate being played. Been there...done that.

In my former life I would have wanted to know why the attention had faded...where I had gone wrong...what I could do to fix it. Not anymore, because I didn't do anything wrong...he did, by abusing my loyalty and devotion. I have had it up to my eyeballs with that type of behaviour and I will not stand for it anymore. I don't need to because I am worthy of better treatment. If you can't recognize that or accept that, then it is time for you to go.

I owe him nothing, he owes me nothing. There was no investment of emotional attachment, but I know that if I had continued, my heart would have eventually been involved and it really can't afford to be used again because it is just recovering from a very deep scar. I won't let it get hurt like that again.

So, as nice as Tim was...he just wasn't worthy of my heart. I really enjoyed my time with him, until he started playing games, and then I was beginning to feel sorry for myself because I was waiting for him - OH NO, OH NO...no more waiting for any man. They should be waiting for me, and if they aren't then they weren't the right ones.

If he really wants me, he can make an effort to contact me...if he doesn’t it truly is his loss, not mine. I am learning to have some self-worth.

Chapter 82 - Fantasy Land

So the days and days of waiting were almost over. The day they were to meet was finally here, but the hours were crawling by. They had come up with a plan, that if anyone heard it, would think they were insane.

Both of them had been unlucky with conventional meetings. The bars, the coffee shops, the being set-up by friends, just hadn’t worked for them. They had been doing the on-line dating for a while, but neither one held out a lot of hope for finding someone who enjoyed what they enjoyed. He was into fantasy and she was looking for someone or something creative, still unaware of what she was searching.

How many people are into fantasy? And how many are willing to admit it? I would suspect very few would be that honest, but if truth be told, everyone has done it at least once.

They met by accident while they were both on-line – a chance meeting of kindred spirits of sorts. He made the first move and sent a simple “Hi”. She replied back the same, and then the normal set of questions ensued – “what do you do?”...”what is your favorite colour?”...”How long have you been doing this?” They knew the routine by now. But there was something different about this pairing. He made the first move into fantasy land, and she was looking for something new and exciting. She didn’t even really know what she was looking for, but it couldn’t be routine.

They eventually left the IM system that is included with the on-line dating service, in exchange for a Window’s messaging service - more private. They could then get a little more personal once they felt safer. He was gentle with her, teaching her a new skill. He moved slowly and gradually he got her to open up, and let go.

It is safe in fantasy land. There are no bad endings, just limitless possibilities, as endless as the creativity of the minds involved. There are some ground rules or parameters for the game but they are discovered along the way. A simple “I don’t like that” or a “No” is all that it takes to change the course of play.

Just imagine your perfect partner and what you would like him or her to do or say. How would you like them to treat you or touch you? What would you whisper in their ear if no one were listening? Where would you touch them if there were no conscience telling you not to? How would you react to their touches if you could just let go…and be?

That is the world of fantasy. If you find the right person to play this game with, you will enter a 'Zone' where reality and fantasy are intertwined, becoming one. It will lift your spirit to places you didn’t even know existed. Your body will be reacting to the auditory and the psyche – without so much as a simple human touch – so much so that you are driven to heights of excitement you never knew existed. Each invisible touch, sound, smell is intensified by your mind because it is free to feel it all without having to worry about physical reality. You are in a dream but yet awake.

Have you ever had an erotic dream and awakened before it was ‘over’, and then tried in vain to make yourself go back to sleep and rekindle the moment from the dream? Sure you have – because it just felt too go to let go. Well, fantasy gives you that dream and you can always get to the ending, because you are in control.

It is as addictive as a drug but without a single side-effect, except for a smile and a feeling of innate happiness.

So, were they to meet in reality or fantasy land?

Chapter 81 - What's the fuss?

It's been a rollercoaster of a week, and hence I haven't been writing. Sometimes things are just too ...fresh to write about. I had a set-back of sorts and I haven't been able to write about until today.

It all started when a relative of mine was 'googling' my name and happened upon my blog. It isn't supposed to be linked to my real name, but a couple of weeks ago I made the same discovery. It upset me for a few minutes, then I realized that there was nothing I could do to erase it...and there was a part of me that was okay with it. I have been hiding and lying my whole life - feeling ashamed and guilty, and there it was - out there for the world if they should happen upon it. But what were the odds of someone finding it - slim to none, unless they knew about it. So why worry?

I am not ashamed. I am not guilty. That's what this whole blog has been about...getting over the shame and the guilt, because it is NOT my cross to bear. It is gone, or it was gone, until my sister called and said to me "What if Mom and Dad find out?" There it was again.

I have been working so hard. I have been looking in every dark corner of my life, uncovering all my secrets - some I wasn't even aware of until I started writing. It shed light on everything. I have been taking ownership for the parts that were mine, and sorting out the parts that were never mine. I have been getting my life in order, and then those words came out of my sister's mouth and I was right back to the beginning again.

Recovery is a rough road, with many bumps and turns along the way. You need to fasten yourself in tightly or you will be thrown around...tossed off the path. You have to keep the destination in your sights every step of the way, for as soon as you divert your eyes - something will fly up in your face and hurt you.

This latest incident hurt me. It hurt me because it showed me that there are people who will never understand even though I have tried my best to let them see into my life. They do not understand that there was no other way for me to recover. It wasn't that I wanted to tell my story...I HAD to tell my story. It had to come out of me or I would not have survived - and I am not being histrionic here - that is a fact.

I am not judging them for how they reacted. It was how they were feeling, and they have a right to feel that way. But I am not a child who needs protecting. I am a fifty year old woman who knows what she is doing. It was my choice to put my story on the web. I tried to be discreet, but really why should I? I am not ashamed of what I wrote...or what I did...or how I behaved - I do not regret one thing about it.

So...the blog has been made private - for now, until the dust settles down. The novelty of 'googling' me will wear off, and then I will discreetly make it public again. No fanfare...no waving of flags...and no telling family.

A very dear friend found a quote the day that all this hubbub was going on, and it had to be God guiding her to find it. The words are so perfect it made me cry. Perhaps if they read the quote they might understand...but I doubt it.

"Some day...there will be a story you want to tell for no better reason than because it matters to you more than any other...You'll stop looking over your shoulder to make sure you're keeping everybody happy, and you'll simply write what's real and true...That's when you'll finally produce the work you're capable of."

JD Salinger to Joyce Maynard

Chapter 80 = Getting back on the horse

This dating thing has exposed me to some new fun activities. Last night I had my makeup done by a professional. First I had my hair cut and styled, then I went to a department store and let a total stranger make up my face. She was young and extremely nice and really very gentle with me. She could tell I wasn't a woman who wore a lot of makeup, so I didn't come out of there looking like a cheap hooker. She was very complimentary, so much so I asked her if she got paid by the compliment - she wasn't overdoing it, I'm just not used to compliments and I guess I'm not very gracious about them.

My girlfriend, Cathy, and I have been together almost all our lives, so we KNOW one another. As I was getting made up, Cathy was watching over me like a friend should, giving advice to the lady and some guidance as well. Cathy is a perfectionist, and when my eye-liner wasn't quite symmetrical, she pointed it out. Wouldn't want me facing the world lop-sided now would we?

I was having my face 'done' so that Cathy could take my picture to put up on the dating websites I have joined. I had a picture there...but it wasn't working for me. I dislike having my picture taken, so I never look comfortable. It always appears staged and fake - and that's what my expression looks like - fake. Not an attractive feature.

I decided to try a couple of different coloured blouses to bring out the colour in my cheeks, so there were a couple of costume changes...different poses in a couple of rooms in my house. And we laughed so much. It is such a game, and I really don't know the rules to this new-world of dating...but I am trying, and I am willing to learn.

I sent out my pictures to a group of my female friends to get their opinions on which one they thought should be posted, and everyone agreed on the same picture (not that I gave them many to choose from), so I posted it. Almost immediately I got an e-mail from a guy who liked it.

This man, or should I say young man, was only 34 and we chattd through the dating site for a while then he asked me to IM him through MSN - Warning, warning...is this another yahoo from Nigeria?! No, he wasn't - phew. It was just a nice young guy looking for someone to chat with. I asked him why he was chatting with an 'older' woman and he said he was tired of BS and older women weren't as likely to behave like that. I had to ask "What does a 34 year old know of BS?" His reply was simply "More than you think." It is sad to be jaded at such a young age. Anyway, we chatted for a while, and then I told him I needed to go write. It was funny, because the whole time we were chatting, I was expecting the worst, and nope, not this time.

Don't worry - nothing will come of this, I just wanted to jump back in, test the waters again, and get back on the horse, and this time it didn't buck me off. That's what I need to do.

I have realized that if I were to wait before trying to date, I likely would end up alone. The longer you wait, get comfortable with your life, the less likely you will be to try new things, and I don't want that to happen. I am excited about life again. I know there will be disappointments but they will be minor. I am starting to get my confidence back, getting my feet back underneath me, so I won't be as easily thrown off my pace. Just like a boxer - I am learning to weave and sway with the punches instead of letting them knock me out.

Chapter 79 - If men got pregnant

There was an article in our local newspaper today about abortion. You could tell by the way it was written that it was from a person who is Pro-Life, as most newspaper articles are. It was a woman writer, and one paragraph in particular caught my attention, although, in my opinion, she missed the point.

She said "They (woman crying) are the women who mourn their abortions, the women who chose abortion because they had no other choice. They are the teens whose parents pressured them, the women whose partner threatened to abandon them, the students desperate to finish school, and the women whose finances couldn't feed another mouth. They are the women who love children, who cried on the abortion table, and who still cry."

I can identify very closely with all these women, for I was one who was crying and I still cry from time to time. But what was I crying about...yes, it was my lack of choices and for my loss.

But it is such a huge issue with so many twists and turns. Each person's experience is unique except that there is one common factor - pregnancy. I my opinion, pregnancy is not a solitary state. Although it is a woman who gets pregnant, she doesn't get there by herself. There is another person involved, but they are often left out of the equation, somehow they always seem to come out of this great debate unscathed. We never discuss the choice that the man has made. We never question his integrity. There are no protestors in front of his home. There are no threats to his life or safety for the choice he has made.

So why don't we talk about the cold-hearted, cowardly, sociopathic, dishonest, self-centred, deadbeat men who have created this problem? Why is it the women who are blamed and branded for making this 'choice'? Where is the article on the accountability of the men who share fifty percent (and more often than not more) of the blame? As always, it is the women who are left to deal with the aftermath of the unconscionable behaviour of these 'men'.

Thank God there is a choice for women. If the woman were to choose to have the child, do you suppose the man would step up to the plate and help support her and the child...or even just the child? Do you suppose that he would be with her during childbirth? Do you suppose he would share in the up-bringing and education of this child?

If men were the one's who got pregnant instead of women, do you think for one moment we would be reading articles such as this - no. It would not be an issue. First, because a woman would rarely leave a man on his own to deal with an abortion or a child, and second because if men could get pregnant, they would NEVER have sex again!

Sorry folks...I just needed to rant

Chapter 78 - Scamming the Scammer

I feel a little vindicated.

This morning when I logged onto my computer there was another IM from my scam-friend. It simply said "Hi Hun. I am here for you." Yeah, just lying there in wait for me to log on and send you all my worldly belongings. What a Twit!!

So, I decided to play along for a while, just to suck him into MY TRAP for a change. I asked him where he had disappeared to yesterday when I started asking him some detailed questions. He answered that he had fallen asleep (since there is a six hour difference in time). I replied - "You fell asleep in the middle of a conversation?" He apologized.

I then asked him "What was it about my profile that made you e-mail me?" Knowing fool-well that it was the fact that I am a 50 year old woman, earning a decent wage and that of course, since I am single and old - I AM DESPERATE to find a mate - so desperate that I will hook-up with anyone. Uuurrrggghhhh - that still enrages me!!!

He replied that I had the qualities he was seeking - someone to share his happiness with. So I asked him, “Where exactly are we going to share this happiness?” Then I questioned if he had a house. Of course he had a house, and then he asked me the same question. I said "No...I live in a small, one bedroom apartment, but I would love to live in your house." Ahh…I could feel the tides turning. It felt so good to scam the scammer!

I then asked him how much money he made, because I was ill and I needed someone with health benefits to take care of my sickly self. For some unknown reason, it took him a really long time to answer that, so I took the opportunity to send a quick IM, saying..."I am here looking for an honest, intelligent Canadian. Do you meet any of my criteria?" He answered "No." I said "I thought so! You should be ashamed of yourself; taking advantage of honest woman, who simply are looking for companionship."

He then accused me of being on there doing the same thing, and I said "yup...that's me - the queen of scam artists!'

I know it will not stop the ring of abusers who are out there, but I at least feel that I have won my battle.

Chapter 77 - Old Fool

Well, I feel like an old fool…you know the one "No fool like an old food." Yup, that would be me.

I wrote yesterday about my episode with Match.com and as embarrassed as I am, I think I need to write about what happened.

Steven and I e-mailed a couple of times yesterday, then he suggested with get onto IM (Instant messaging) so that we could chat more freely. I don't really know instant message much, but I thought...what the heck.

So we messaged back and forth for about an hour. He seemed nice enough but he just didn't seem to be who he said he was. He said he was from a city not far from where I am, but his writing indicated that he wasn't originally from this country. I asked him where he was from, thinking he would say a European country. He said he had lived here all his life. Well...I thought...he certainly can't write very well for a university graduate. So I asked what university, and he named a local university.

All the time he was asking me normal question that someone who wants to get to know you would ask. He, however, was getting a little too familiar, using terms of endearment that one shouldn't be using so quickly. Second warning flag.

What a sin, that there are scam artists everywhere. What has this stupid world turned into? Are we safe no where? All I want is to find someone to chat with, spend time with and I thought this venue would be SAFE - apparently not.

So, now I am terrified of stepping out of my comfort zone. I keep wanting to take chances and each time I get burned.

I guess I will just sit here in the safety of my own home and lick my wounds for a while and thank my lucky stars I am not as stupid as people think I am. Old...and a target for those who think I am desperate.

I am so disappointed in humans.

Chapter 76 - I'm too old for this

What have I done?!

I wrote about the fact that I had signed up at Match.com, and it is a work-in-progress. I am shy by nature, so this whole dating thing has me reeling. I want to find someone to share time with, but putting myself out there is ...FRIGHTENING!!! But with Match.com it is anonymous and you are always a safe distance from the people you 'meet'. Until today!

Okay, I have had a few people send me 'winks' and I have returned a few. It is harmless fun. I also sent a couple of e-mails to men I thought might match my personality, who didn't look like escapees from some high security prison. Believe me, it is a quagmire out there.

Some men's photos look they are old mug shots - perhaps it was the most recent picture they had of themselves. Other men have way too many photos. Head shots, body shots, filtered shots, black & white shots - a little self absorbed me thinks.

And the write-ups are unbelievable. Some men write mini-novels, and it always interests me when the first descriptive word they put is 'honest', and then 268 words later, there it is again...honest. Warning! Warning! The hairs on the back of my head are standing straight on end - Run, run away.

Then there are the guys who can't write. There are spelling mistakes all over the place. Do you think maybe you could have gotten a buddy to proof it before you posted it? A little investment of time would pay off ten-fold. As soon as I see a spelling mistake - I'm on to the next profile. I am not a perfect speller, but when you are trying to attract someone...invest a little time and energy.

Okay, back to what I did. I had a wink foom this nice looking, normal guy this morning, and I winked back at him - all safe fun. Then later on today...he sent me an e-mail which was sweet, and sincere. I read it a couple of times and waited for the voice in the back of my head to tell me something was wrong with this guy...but no...There were no voices.

So, I decided to take a leap of faith and e-mail him. He had supplied his real e-mail, as opposed to the safe one supplied by match.com, so I clicked on it and composed my reply, nothing too in-depth, just a little more information on myself, and asking him to supply some more details as well. Then I hit send. Well, I hadn't sent it from my Hot Mail account but my 'other' e-mail, which has my full, real name on it!!!! Loser!!! Yikes!!!

So, here I sit, worrying and wondering if I have just outed myself to a serial killer or a stalker. Only time will tell if I am right, but at least I have documented it here on my blog.

I think I am too old for this new game.

Chapter 75 - A million dollars

If I were to win a million dollars how would it change my life?

I have been having dreams the last several nights about numbers. I have awakening each morning with a different number burned into my memory. It is as vivid as if I had spent the night memorizing them, a different two digit number each morning. So what do I do with them? I haven’t enough of them for the necessary six numbers of the 6/49 draw. Do I just note them down until I have all six, or do I find a game that requires only three?

Strange you say? Imagine how I feel. Do I take these as a sign? Do I listen to my sub-conscious?

I have never been a lottery-ticket-buyer or someone who buys into get-rich-quick schemes, but you have to admit it is intriguing to say the least. I don’t buy any tickets regularly, and I don’t want to get sucked into the frenzy of being addicted to lotteries. “Oh my god...it’s 8 o’clock and I didn’t buy my ticket yet!” is not a necessary thought for my over-filled brain. It would be just another item to put on my already too long “To Do List”.

But what if I am wrong and the numbers are on the next draw and I haven’t played them? Would I feel cheated, like I had somehow missed the chance of a lifetime?

What would I do if I won millions of dollars?

I know that it wouldn’t change who I am. I would awaken the next morning the same person – only it would afford me the privilege of writing full-time. I don’t even think I would quit my day job – at least not for a couple of weeks. I would love to continue working but have the freedom of saying exactly what I think – no censor. Wouldn’t that be a hoot?! I am sure they wouldn’t allow me to work with that kind of an attitude for much longer than a couple of weeks.

My friends – would my friends change? Not one bit, except that they too would never have to worry about money again. I would share my wealth with those who have shared with me, walked with me, and carried me. Where would be the pleasure in wealth if you could not share? We would have fun…lots of fun…worry-free fun, someplace warm with sand between our toes and umbrellas in our drinks.

Chapter 74 - Domino Effect

I kept a journal as I was going through my journey. For whatever reason, I had to write every detail of what was happening, every thought and emotion I was going through is written on those pages. I hadn’t been able to review them until yesterday. Even when I started writing the blog, I didn’t refer to them or use them because there was just something too raw in them. Yesterday I started looking at them for the first time.

I signed my separation agreement yesterday, and even though I know it is the right thing to do, it is still an ending. As I was initialing each page, my hand was shaking, the emotion eking out through my fingers. You can’t hide from your emotions; they always find a way out. I went to the lawyer’s office with a friend because I knew it was going to be emotional and I didn’t want to come home alone afterwards.

My marriage was the last remnant of the aftermath of the abortion, the one that had the most impact on my life, because it was my life for almost 25 years. It was the last of the dominos to fall.

When I questioned Rett about why he never asked me questions he said that he was afraid to ask because he had a feeling he was at the beginning of a domino effect on my life. He was right. I had forgotten that statement until I was reviewing my journal. He knew the impact he had on my life but as with everything concerning him – he wanted to avoid the truth of the aftermath of his lie.

So now the dominos are all down, and it is time to start lining them up again. This time I will be in charge of setting them up, aligning them just so. I will make sure that they are solidly placed and no one will push them and start the tumbling until I say so. This time I am in control, finally.

Chapter 73 - Unknown Name Private Number

I had another one of those disturbing calls tonight from Unknown Name Private Number. Same as the one I had just before Christmas.

I know it was Rett. It didn't upset me, or worry me, or even frighten me. It is strange, because I live alone now and those type of calls should upset me. But there are some things in this life that I just know, and this is one of them.

I held the line open and listened so hard that my ears were hurting. I could hear the noises from inside the car, but not another sound. I know someone was there, listening to what I was saying "Hello, hello....hello." Then I would listen again. Nothing.

Then I softly said "Is it you?" And I waited again for a response, for a familiar sound of some sort. A hint of who you were...but nothing. Then I said "Talk to me." I said this gently, and caringly, so as not to scare you off. I heard nothing but the sounds from the inside of a travelling car, the swooshing sounds of passing cars and a muffled radio in the distance.

I kept listening and waiting until finally I said "I'll wait." And then you hung up. Not a slamming of the phone, but a soft hang-up.

But I know it was you. I know you have something to say...and I'll wait.