Chapter 79 - If men got pregnant

There was an article in our local newspaper today about abortion. You could tell by the way it was written that it was from a person who is Pro-Life, as most newspaper articles are. It was a woman writer, and one paragraph in particular caught my attention, although, in my opinion, she missed the point.

She said "They (woman crying) are the women who mourn their abortions, the women who chose abortion because they had no other choice. They are the teens whose parents pressured them, the women whose partner threatened to abandon them, the students desperate to finish school, and the women whose finances couldn't feed another mouth. They are the women who love children, who cried on the abortion table, and who still cry."

I can identify very closely with all these women, for I was one who was crying and I still cry from time to time. But what was I crying about...yes, it was my lack of choices and for my loss.

But it is such a huge issue with so many twists and turns. Each person's experience is unique except that there is one common factor - pregnancy. I my opinion, pregnancy is not a solitary state. Although it is a woman who gets pregnant, she doesn't get there by herself. There is another person involved, but they are often left out of the equation, somehow they always seem to come out of this great debate unscathed. We never discuss the choice that the man has made. We never question his integrity. There are no protestors in front of his home. There are no threats to his life or safety for the choice he has made.

So why don't we talk about the cold-hearted, cowardly, sociopathic, dishonest, self-centred, deadbeat men who have created this problem? Why is it the women who are blamed and branded for making this 'choice'? Where is the article on the accountability of the men who share fifty percent (and more often than not more) of the blame? As always, it is the women who are left to deal with the aftermath of the unconscionable behaviour of these 'men'.

Thank God there is a choice for women. If the woman were to choose to have the child, do you suppose the man would step up to the plate and help support her and the child...or even just the child? Do you suppose that he would be with her during childbirth? Do you suppose he would share in the up-bringing and education of this child?

If men were the one's who got pregnant instead of women, do you think for one moment we would be reading articles such as this - no. It would not be an issue. First, because a woman would rarely leave a man on his own to deal with an abortion or a child, and second because if men could get pregnant, they would NEVER have sex again!

Sorry folks...I just needed to rant

Chapter 78 - Scamming the Scammer

I feel a little vindicated.

This morning when I logged onto my computer there was another IM from my scam-friend. It simply said "Hi Hun. I am here for you." Yeah, just lying there in wait for me to log on and send you all my worldly belongings. What a Twit!!

So, I decided to play along for a while, just to suck him into MY TRAP for a change. I asked him where he had disappeared to yesterday when I started asking him some detailed questions. He answered that he had fallen asleep (since there is a six hour difference in time). I replied - "You fell asleep in the middle of a conversation?" He apologized.

I then asked him "What was it about my profile that made you e-mail me?" Knowing fool-well that it was the fact that I am a 50 year old woman, earning a decent wage and that of course, since I am single and old - I AM DESPERATE to find a mate - so desperate that I will hook-up with anyone. Uuurrrggghhhh - that still enrages me!!!

He replied that I had the qualities he was seeking - someone to share his happiness with. So I asked him, “Where exactly are we going to share this happiness?” Then I questioned if he had a house. Of course he had a house, and then he asked me the same question. I said "No...I live in a small, one bedroom apartment, but I would love to live in your house." Ahh…I could feel the tides turning. It felt so good to scam the scammer!

I then asked him how much money he made, because I was ill and I needed someone with health benefits to take care of my sickly self. For some unknown reason, it took him a really long time to answer that, so I took the opportunity to send a quick IM, saying..."I am here looking for an honest, intelligent Canadian. Do you meet any of my criteria?" He answered "No." I said "I thought so! You should be ashamed of yourself; taking advantage of honest woman, who simply are looking for companionship."

He then accused me of being on there doing the same thing, and I said "yup...that's me - the queen of scam artists!'

I know it will not stop the ring of abusers who are out there, but I at least feel that I have won my battle.

Chapter 77 - Old Fool

Well, I feel like an old fool…you know the one "No fool like an old food." Yup, that would be me.

I wrote yesterday about my episode with Match.com and as embarrassed as I am, I think I need to write about what happened.

Steven and I e-mailed a couple of times yesterday, then he suggested with get onto IM (Instant messaging) so that we could chat more freely. I don't really know instant message much, but I thought...what the heck.

So we messaged back and forth for about an hour. He seemed nice enough but he just didn't seem to be who he said he was. He said he was from a city not far from where I am, but his writing indicated that he wasn't originally from this country. I asked him where he was from, thinking he would say a European country. He said he had lived here all his life. Well...I thought...he certainly can't write very well for a university graduate. So I asked what university, and he named a local university.

All the time he was asking me normal question that someone who wants to get to know you would ask. He, however, was getting a little too familiar, using terms of endearment that one shouldn't be using so quickly. Second warning flag.

What a sin, that there are scam artists everywhere. What has this stupid world turned into? Are we safe no where? All I want is to find someone to chat with, spend time with and I thought this venue would be SAFE - apparently not.

So, now I am terrified of stepping out of my comfort zone. I keep wanting to take chances and each time I get burned.

I guess I will just sit here in the safety of my own home and lick my wounds for a while and thank my lucky stars I am not as stupid as people think I am. Old...and a target for those who think I am desperate.

I am so disappointed in humans.

Chapter 76 - I'm too old for this

What have I done?!

I wrote about the fact that I had signed up at Match.com, and it is a work-in-progress. I am shy by nature, so this whole dating thing has me reeling. I want to find someone to share time with, but putting myself out there is ...FRIGHTENING!!! But with Match.com it is anonymous and you are always a safe distance from the people you 'meet'. Until today!

Okay, I have had a few people send me 'winks' and I have returned a few. It is harmless fun. I also sent a couple of e-mails to men I thought might match my personality, who didn't look like escapees from some high security prison. Believe me, it is a quagmire out there.

Some men's photos look they are old mug shots - perhaps it was the most recent picture they had of themselves. Other men have way too many photos. Head shots, body shots, filtered shots, black & white shots - a little self absorbed me thinks.

And the write-ups are unbelievable. Some men write mini-novels, and it always interests me when the first descriptive word they put is 'honest', and then 268 words later, there it is again...honest. Warning! Warning! The hairs on the back of my head are standing straight on end - Run, run away.

Then there are the guys who can't write. There are spelling mistakes all over the place. Do you think maybe you could have gotten a buddy to proof it before you posted it? A little investment of time would pay off ten-fold. As soon as I see a spelling mistake - I'm on to the next profile. I am not a perfect speller, but when you are trying to attract someone...invest a little time and energy.

Okay, back to what I did. I had a wink foom this nice looking, normal guy this morning, and I winked back at him - all safe fun. Then later on today...he sent me an e-mail which was sweet, and sincere. I read it a couple of times and waited for the voice in the back of my head to tell me something was wrong with this guy...but no...There were no voices.

So, I decided to take a leap of faith and e-mail him. He had supplied his real e-mail, as opposed to the safe one supplied by match.com, so I clicked on it and composed my reply, nothing too in-depth, just a little more information on myself, and asking him to supply some more details as well. Then I hit send. Well, I hadn't sent it from my Hot Mail account but my 'other' e-mail, which has my full, real name on it!!!! Loser!!! Yikes!!!

So, here I sit, worrying and wondering if I have just outed myself to a serial killer or a stalker. Only time will tell if I am right, but at least I have documented it here on my blog.

I think I am too old for this new game.

Chapter 75 - A million dollars

If I were to win a million dollars how would it change my life?

I have been having dreams the last several nights about numbers. I have awakening each morning with a different number burned into my memory. It is as vivid as if I had spent the night memorizing them, a different two digit number each morning. So what do I do with them? I haven’t enough of them for the necessary six numbers of the 6/49 draw. Do I just note them down until I have all six, or do I find a game that requires only three?

Strange you say? Imagine how I feel. Do I take these as a sign? Do I listen to my sub-conscious?

I have never been a lottery-ticket-buyer or someone who buys into get-rich-quick schemes, but you have to admit it is intriguing to say the least. I don’t buy any tickets regularly, and I don’t want to get sucked into the frenzy of being addicted to lotteries. “Oh my god...it’s 8 o’clock and I didn’t buy my ticket yet!” is not a necessary thought for my over-filled brain. It would be just another item to put on my already too long “To Do List”.

But what if I am wrong and the numbers are on the next draw and I haven’t played them? Would I feel cheated, like I had somehow missed the chance of a lifetime?

What would I do if I won millions of dollars?

I know that it wouldn’t change who I am. I would awaken the next morning the same person – only it would afford me the privilege of writing full-time. I don’t even think I would quit my day job – at least not for a couple of weeks. I would love to continue working but have the freedom of saying exactly what I think – no censor. Wouldn’t that be a hoot?! I am sure they wouldn’t allow me to work with that kind of an attitude for much longer than a couple of weeks.

My friends – would my friends change? Not one bit, except that they too would never have to worry about money again. I would share my wealth with those who have shared with me, walked with me, and carried me. Where would be the pleasure in wealth if you could not share? We would have fun…lots of fun…worry-free fun, someplace warm with sand between our toes and umbrellas in our drinks.

Chapter 74 - Domino Effect

I kept a journal as I was going through my journey. For whatever reason, I had to write every detail of what was happening, every thought and emotion I was going through is written on those pages. I hadn’t been able to review them until yesterday. Even when I started writing the blog, I didn’t refer to them or use them because there was just something too raw in them. Yesterday I started looking at them for the first time.

I signed my separation agreement yesterday, and even though I know it is the right thing to do, it is still an ending. As I was initialing each page, my hand was shaking, the emotion eking out through my fingers. You can’t hide from your emotions; they always find a way out. I went to the lawyer’s office with a friend because I knew it was going to be emotional and I didn’t want to come home alone afterwards.

My marriage was the last remnant of the aftermath of the abortion, the one that had the most impact on my life, because it was my life for almost 25 years. It was the last of the dominos to fall.

When I questioned Rett about why he never asked me questions he said that he was afraid to ask because he had a feeling he was at the beginning of a domino effect on my life. He was right. I had forgotten that statement until I was reviewing my journal. He knew the impact he had on my life but as with everything concerning him – he wanted to avoid the truth of the aftermath of his lie.

So now the dominos are all down, and it is time to start lining them up again. This time I will be in charge of setting them up, aligning them just so. I will make sure that they are solidly placed and no one will push them and start the tumbling until I say so. This time I am in control, finally.

Chapter 73 - Unknown Name Private Number

I had another one of those disturbing calls tonight from Unknown Name Private Number. Same as the one I had just before Christmas.

I know it was Rett. It didn't upset me, or worry me, or even frighten me. It is strange, because I live alone now and those type of calls should upset me. But there are some things in this life that I just know, and this is one of them.

I held the line open and listened so hard that my ears were hurting. I could hear the noises from inside the car, but not another sound. I know someone was there, listening to what I was saying "Hello, hello....hello." Then I would listen again. Nothing.

Then I softly said "Is it you?" And I waited again for a response, for a familiar sound of some sort. A hint of who you were...but nothing. Then I said "Talk to me." I said this gently, and caringly, so as not to scare you off. I heard nothing but the sounds from the inside of a travelling car, the swooshing sounds of passing cars and a muffled radio in the distance.

I kept listening and waiting until finally I said "I'll wait." And then you hung up. Not a slamming of the phone, but a soft hang-up.

But I know it was you. I know you have something to say...and I'll wait.

Chapter 72 - Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

This mid-life crisis has split my life in two. Everything is either pro or con, people are either with me or against me. The grey that I have been seeing for years has changed into black and white again. No more sitting on the fence for the people in my life, my secret is out and either you are with me...or you are against me. It is so simple. Pick a side and stick with it.

I am so tired of hiding in the shadows of my life, never really being me, always being what other people thought I should be...who they thought I should be. It wasn't real; it was a figment of your imaginations. I want to be me, because she is worth her existence.

I don't need to hide any more. It is time for me to come out and play in the real world, let my reality see daylight. For the past couple of months I have been testing the waters here in cyberspace to see what people think, sort of a test run for what I want.

What have I discovered?

I have found that I don't have to be afraid anymore. Do you have any idea how that feels? Do you know how it feels to be afraid your entire adult life? Always keeping things from the people you care about - never letting them know who you are or how you feel - never letting anyone inside your private hell.

Why wasn't Rett hiding? Why didn't he feel the same way I did? Why doesn't he have to wear the shame that I have worn for twenty-six years?

Or is he?

Why didn't I share this with my family? And why don't I share it now? Was I protecting them or myself? Would I be freeing myself if I shared now, or would I just be burdening them?

Sometimes it is best to leave sleeping dogs lie.

Chapter 71 - Learning to Trust

This Match.com thing is driving me nuts!

Okay, I have taken the leap of signing up and written my life in 200 words or less. I did what they asked me to do...I answered all the stupid questions about my likes and dislikes - I played their game, nicely. People out there in cyberspace now know more about me than my ex-husband (soon to be) EVER knew about me. SOOOOOOO, where are all the connections?

Alright...there was one other rule I didn't follow. I didn't include a picture of myself.

But so what? I told them I was a fifty year old woman. I told them I was recently separated. What the hell do they think I look like! I am tired, over-worked, under-loved, and unappreciated. There...that's the picture for you.

I am also a fun-loving, caring, well-read, self-sufficient, educated, warm, and tender-hearted fifty year old, but that won't come across in my picture will it. That's the part they will only get to know, if they get past the picture, but we are a superficial, suspicious society.

No one trusts anymore. We need proof, and more proof. It's not good enough that I tell them who I am, right down to whether or not I 'enjoy' thunderstorms. Can't they tell by what I write who I am? What more do they need?

I even went so far as to send three guys e-mails. I went out on a limp...took a chance that what they wrote was the truth, or their interpretation of the truth. I made the first move...what's wrong with people?

We're not promising to spend the rest of our lives together...we are going to go out for a coffee...maybe we'll just get one 'to go'. We're not making life-long commitments here people – it is companionship, friendship and fun - nothing more and nothing less.

Come on people...learn to trust. If after what all I have been through, I can try to trust again...so can you!

Do I hear an "Amen sister"?

Chapter 70 - Cleaning the Closets

I have been cleaning the closets of my life. Trying on all the old pieces and seeing if they still fit - some do, some don't. Some still fit but they are out of style now, so they need to be put away. Some I will keep even though they are out of date - because they hold sentimental value. Others pinch and hurt, so they need to go.

Then there are the new ones that I have found of late; they are crisp and new, and make me smile when I put them on. Things need to feel comfortable now, no more buying with the thought that I will fit into them someday, they have to feel just right, or I will leave them behind.

I've done too much settling, too much working to make things fit. You know as soon as you put something on whether it is right or not. Like the shoes that the salespeople tell you will stretch - they never do, no matter how cute they are. After many years of buying things - I know what I like and what I don't.

I have learned that people come into our lives, and people go out of our lives. Some people fit, some people don't. I used to work very hard to make people fit in my life. I was the peace-keeper amongst my friends for many years. At any given point in time, there were at least two who weren't talking to one another. Very seldom...if ever, was I one of the two. I was the mediator, the go-between.

I found when I was going through my 'crisis' that many of those same people for whom I had been protecting and coddling - disappeared or worse than that, they were there in body, but not in mind. When I would share, I would be greeted with absolute silence - not a yea or a nay...just nothing - indifference.

All those that I have invested hours, and hours of patience, understanding and caring could not afford me the same grace. They could however, spend time discussing my life with others.

It takes me a long time to form a friendship. I am very picky about who I allow into my private life, and when I do, it is a privilege. I would do anything for my friends because I respect them, and I expect the same from them. Again, that simple rule of "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" applies so aptly.

And when that rule is broken...it is time to clean the closets.

Chapter 69 - Choices

I am able now to look back over the past several months with a much clearer mind. It has taken this long to be able to see without all the emotions tied to my vision. Years ago, people would have referred to what I went through as a mental breakdown, but I prefer to look at it as a spiritual breakthrough or enlightening. I had some issues that needed to be dealt with, sorted out.

Turning fifty brought my sense of loss to the forefront. My chance to have a child is gone - forever, and that made me start to think about what I had lost. When I had the abortion, I thought that I could have another child, not that it would every erase the memory, but it might have somehow lessened the impact, and after all, I had lots of time. But that's not what happened.

I welcome all comments good or bad and I truly do think about what is said.

On that note, the negative comments left by "Anonymous-real counselor" made me sit back and ponder a while, and he/she was partially right about the "severe denial, histrionics and anger" - and if he/she were a real counselor, they would have seen that those (at least denial and anger) are phases of recovering from grief or heartbreak. There is no avoiding these stages in order to recover. That was my problem - I never grieved twenty-six years ago, and I thought I could just go on…and you can for a while, but EVERYONE must grieve - you can not avoid it. In my opinion, the longer you avoid it, the worse it is when you finally go through it.

As for the histrionics, that makes me believe that this comment came from a man. A man could not possibly understand how I felt or what I went through and what I am going through. There are some men who can empathize, but they are few and far between.

It is my story…no one else's. These were/are my emotions and thoughts…no one else's. And I am entitled to them. It has taken me a very long time to feel them, and to talk about them. It is way beyond time to let them out…and let them go.

As for "Anonymous-real counselor"'s comment about my choices, let's review what my choices were:
1. I chose to have sex with Rett
2. I chose to have an abortion
3. I chose to forgive Rett
4. I chose to continue corresponding with him
5. I chose to trust him
6. I chose to fall in love with him

And I have no regrets about my choices..

There is nothing on this list that makes me a bad person or in-human. I hurt no one with my choices, except myself, and I take full responsibility for that.

Let's review Rett's choices:
1. He chose to lie to me.
2. He chose to have sex with me
3. He chose to run away and hide.
4. He chose to accept my forgiveness.
5. He chose to correspond with me.
6. He chose to abuse my trust.
7. He chose to lie to me a second time (as "Anonymous-real counselor" so carefully pointed out).
8. He chose to hurt me.

I doubt that Rett regrets his choices either...

I never blamed Rett for my choices. What I blame him for is his premeditated actions to hurt me - his choices.

As humans, we all make choices we regret, but the measure of a man or a woman is standing up and admitting when we have made a bad choice - and learning from the error of our ways. That is what I have been trying to do - learn, understand and then, and only then, move on. If we don't analyze and understand, we are destined to repeat our mistakes…and I NEVER want to repeat my mistakes.

As I said, I don't regret the choices I made with Rett. I took a chance - a big chance. I have never bungee jumped or gone sky-diving, but when it comes to daredevil actions - this was huge for me. I needed (there's that word again) to do this and I am proud of myself for trying. Yes, it went very badly, but at least I chose to take a chance, rather than being a coward and settling for the status quo. I will not go to my deathbed saying "I wish I did…", because I did.

So, 'anonymous (real counselor)', thank you for your input, but you are wrong.

“Don’t cry because it is over. Smile because it happened.” Winston Churchill

Chapter 68 - The Reading and the Reader

I made a resolution (of sorts) to try new things, and be more adventurous. I have a tendency to turn down invitations and say 'no thank you' to many things, but not this year. So, when a friend asked me if I wanted to have my cards (tarot) read, I hesitated, then I remembered my resolution and I said "Sure, why not?!"

I didn't know the woman who was going to do the reading, I have never laid eyes on her before. She is from the Philippines, and is very sweet looking, and soft spoken in her broken English. When you meet, you are not allowed to shake hands or touch - as it will interfere with the reading.

We go into a boardroom in my office and she sits directly across from me. We say hello, but nothing more than that. She hands me the cards and tells me to shuffle them three times and then separate them into three piles. I follow her instructions and pile them in front of her.

She takes the first pile and arranges the cards in front of her on the desk. She smiles when she turns over the second card, looks up at me and says "You had a son."

This woman, who I have never seen before and exchanged not one single piece of information has somehow seen into my soul and uncovered my deep, dark, dirty secret. How did she know? How can this stranger know me better than people I have been surrounded with all my life?

I reply "No" while trying to recapture my composure, hold it in, hold it in...Don’t let it out.

She looks at me with those dark knowing eyes and says "You have an angel, and he is always with you." She asked nothing more of me...not one more question; from this point on she gave me information on my past, present and my future. She need not have spoken another word after her first question...she knew all there was to know.

So much for new beginnings… One step forward and half a step back.