Chapter 69 - Choices

I am able now to look back over the past several months with a much clearer mind. It has taken this long to be able to see without all the emotions tied to my vision. Years ago, people would have referred to what I went through as a mental breakdown, but I prefer to look at it as a spiritual breakthrough or enlightening. I had some issues that needed to be dealt with, sorted out.

Turning fifty brought my sense of loss to the forefront. My chance to have a child is gone - forever, and that made me start to think about what I had lost. When I had the abortion, I thought that I could have another child, not that it would every erase the memory, but it might have somehow lessened the impact, and after all, I had lots of time. But that's not what happened.

I welcome all comments good or bad and I truly do think about what is said.

On that note, the negative comments left by "Anonymous-real counselor" made me sit back and ponder a while, and he/she was partially right about the "severe denial, histrionics and anger" - and if he/she were a real counselor, they would have seen that those (at least denial and anger) are phases of recovering from grief or heartbreak. There is no avoiding these stages in order to recover. That was my problem - I never grieved twenty-six years ago, and I thought I could just go on…and you can for a while, but EVERYONE must grieve - you can not avoid it. In my opinion, the longer you avoid it, the worse it is when you finally go through it.

As for the histrionics, that makes me believe that this comment came from a man. A man could not possibly understand how I felt or what I went through and what I am going through. There are some men who can empathize, but they are few and far between.

It is my story…no one else's. These were/are my emotions and thoughts…no one else's. And I am entitled to them. It has taken me a very long time to feel them, and to talk about them. It is way beyond time to let them out…and let them go.

As for "Anonymous-real counselor"'s comment about my choices, let's review what my choices were:
1. I chose to have sex with Rett
2. I chose to have an abortion
3. I chose to forgive Rett
4. I chose to continue corresponding with him
5. I chose to trust him
6. I chose to fall in love with him

And I have no regrets about my choices..

There is nothing on this list that makes me a bad person or in-human. I hurt no one with my choices, except myself, and I take full responsibility for that.

Let's review Rett's choices:
1. He chose to lie to me.
2. He chose to have sex with me
3. He chose to run away and hide.
4. He chose to accept my forgiveness.
5. He chose to correspond with me.
6. He chose to abuse my trust.
7. He chose to lie to me a second time (as "Anonymous-real counselor" so carefully pointed out).
8. He chose to hurt me.

I doubt that Rett regrets his choices either...

I never blamed Rett for my choices. What I blame him for is his premeditated actions to hurt me - his choices.

As humans, we all make choices we regret, but the measure of a man or a woman is standing up and admitting when we have made a bad choice - and learning from the error of our ways. That is what I have been trying to do - learn, understand and then, and only then, move on. If we don't analyze and understand, we are destined to repeat our mistakes…and I NEVER want to repeat my mistakes.

As I said, I don't regret the choices I made with Rett. I took a chance - a big chance. I have never bungee jumped or gone sky-diving, but when it comes to daredevil actions - this was huge for me. I needed (there's that word again) to do this and I am proud of myself for trying. Yes, it went very badly, but at least I chose to take a chance, rather than being a coward and settling for the status quo. I will not go to my deathbed saying "I wish I did…", because I did.

So, 'anonymous (real counselor)', thank you for your input, but you are wrong.

“Don’t cry because it is over. Smile because it happened.” Winston Churchill