Chapter 74 - Domino Effect

I kept a journal as I was going through my journey. For whatever reason, I had to write every detail of what was happening, every thought and emotion I was going through is written on those pages. I hadn’t been able to review them until yesterday. Even when I started writing the blog, I didn’t refer to them or use them because there was just something too raw in them. Yesterday I started looking at them for the first time.

I signed my separation agreement yesterday, and even though I know it is the right thing to do, it is still an ending. As I was initialing each page, my hand was shaking, the emotion eking out through my fingers. You can’t hide from your emotions; they always find a way out. I went to the lawyer’s office with a friend because I knew it was going to be emotional and I didn’t want to come home alone afterwards.

My marriage was the last remnant of the aftermath of the abortion, the one that had the most impact on my life, because it was my life for almost 25 years. It was the last of the dominos to fall.

When I questioned Rett about why he never asked me questions he said that he was afraid to ask because he had a feeling he was at the beginning of a domino effect on my life. He was right. I had forgotten that statement until I was reviewing my journal. He knew the impact he had on my life but as with everything concerning him – he wanted to avoid the truth of the aftermath of his lie.

So now the dominos are all down, and it is time to start lining them up again. This time I will be in charge of setting them up, aligning them just so. I will make sure that they are solidly placed and no one will push them and start the tumbling until I say so. This time I am in control, finally.