Chapter 84 - Just Yummy

I have to write about my week because it has been huge for me. I went out on my first date in twenty six years!!! Yes, with a real live person. It all started on Friday when I was on one of the on-line dating sites, checking my mail and suddenly I had a new e-mail. It was from a man that I had looked at the first day I signed up, but once I read his statistics - I thought...no, he is just too perfect and he would never be interested in me. His written profile was so poetic and he seemed so free by what he wrote. So...I went on my way to see who else might be there.

The e-mail that I received from him simply said "What kind of fun is a separated lady looking for on a Friday??" Well, as soon as I saw his userid, I knew who he was because I remembered him well. So I set off into a conversation with him that went on for a couple of hours. He is playful, yet sincere and just plain old nice.

We e-mailed most of Friday and again on Saturday. He wanted to meet me, but I wasn't ready yet for that, so I suggested a phone call first. I agreed to call him Saturday night. I called and it went to an answering machine, but the voice disturbed me. It was him, but in my mind I had created a voice that I thought would be his, and this was nothing like I had imagined. It was so different...I hung up without leaving a message.

We had also made plans to set up a meeting time for Sunday by e-mailing early Sunday morning. I checked on Sunday morning, and no word from him. Well, as you probably know by now...I am really not a patient person any more...no more waiting, so when I did finally hear from him in the afternoon and he wanted to know when we would meet, I told him I had already made alternate plans. I said that I thought he had moved on to someone else in the quick paced cyber world. He said he was sorry, and no, he hadn't moved along. We again exchanged a flurry of e-mails and he was oh so poetic and touching. I decided to bite the bullet and take a chance. I agreed to meet him the next evening for a drink.

Oh my god...what was I thinking...what do I know about dating...what will we talk about...what will I wear...what if he doesn't like me...what if I don't like him...what if I can't get my tongue unstuck from the roof of my mouth???????? What the HELL was I thinking?

I was thinking...it is time to get on with my life.

Monday was an excruciatingly long day and I had a devilish time concentrating on work. I was terrified yet excited. I finally left work early to prepare for the meeting.

Cathy, my soul mate in life, came over to drive me to the restaurant where I was to meet him. Cathy and I had a plan to meet for supper, if the drink with him didn't go well. It is always good to have a back-up plan. I was hesitant about going, so much so, that Cathy had to tell me that it was time to leave or I would be late...I am never late.

I get to the restaurant and Cathy offers to come in and not sit with me...but in another booth just so that I feel comfortable. I tell her no...I will be okay. I go into the bar and find a table, sort of secluded, in the corner and a vantage point where I can watch the door. It is 6:20 and I have 10 minutes to wait for him.

I order a glass of wine. I haven't had a drink since my New Year's Eve drinking debacle, but again...there are some times when a drink is more than necessary, it is a requirement. I try to sip it, but I am so dry. I take a stick of gum from my purse and chew on it to get the saliva going again. I look around the bar and everyone looks so young. I am so old and what the hell am I doing here? I check my watch again...okay, five minutes have passed. I take out my cell phone and text another girlfriend who knows what I am up to. All I text is "I am so nervous". It feels good to share and it occupies me for another minute or two.

Okay...it is 6:30 and he is not there yet. How long do I wait? Will he stand me up? God that would be awful to be left here all alone. I told the waitress I was meeting someone, and if he doesn't show up...I will look like such a loser. Stop it!!!! Don't go there!!! Think positive thoughts Annette...only positive thoughts.

I keep checking the door every time I hear it open - why don't they put some WD40 on that thing so that I can't hear when people are opening the door. Finally I see him fly in the door. He walks right passed me and I don't say a word - I am just watching him...I can't speak yet. He turns around and our eyes meet and he sees me...and he smiles. He walks over to me and gives me a kiss. He tastes so good and his lips are soft. He says "You taste good."

So, there it was, staring me directly in the face, my future, my possibilities, my hope. Was I going to run away too scared to take that chance? Was I going to spend the rest of my life wondering what it would feel like to enjoy the company of a man - a man who might possibly be normal? Someone who I can be me with, and just have some fun. Remember the fun you had as an adolescent...I never had that...remember the fun you had as a young adult...I never had that either. So, here I am, a fifty year old woman and I am experiencing fun for the first time.

He sits down and starts to talk - his voice doesn't sound like it did on his answering machine - he has a lovely voice. He talked, and talked and talked and it was perfect because all I could do at first was look at him. I was thinking "He's here...he's normal...he's lovely." My eyes couldn't look away from his for the first little while. He has the deepest blue eyes and they are happy eyes. His face is calm and sincere. Yes, I think this will be okay.

We chat and have another drink of wine. Then we have a bite to eat. He is very easy to talk with and he is interesting to listen to. The conversation was seamless and comfortable. No long pauses or awkward moments at all.

After a while he goes to the washroom and when he returns he comes over to me and kisses me. This time it was a passionate kiss, and it was as if we were the only two people in the room...no one else existed for a moment. He made my knees weak. He is a very good kisser!!!

I asked him to come back to the house for a coffee, because by now I know that he isn't a serial killer or dangerous, and I trust him. We come to the house and I go the kitchen to start the coffee and he follows me. He again takes me into his arms and kisses me. God it has been so long since I have been kissed like that and it felt oh so good.

We sat and drank coffee and chatted for a couple of hours. He is interesting and gentle - soft spoken and a good listener. We are comfortable with one another. He says he has to leave because we are supposed to be getting a storm and he has a busy day tomorrow. In my head I am thinking "I don't want him to leave."

We kiss again at the door and I feel something inside starting in the pit of my stomach and it runs all through my body - I feel alive. We ask no questions about next time, nor do we make any promises. We just had a really nice evening. But as soon as the door closed I thought "I wonder if he liked me? I wonder if he will call. I wonder if he will e-mail me." It may be twenty six years since I dated, but really nothing has changed except the year.

He did write the next day...and every day since. He is a sweet man, and I refer to him as "Yummy!" It was a very nice introduction into dating again.

I know I am being tiresome for some of you to listen to as I rattle on about my latest story of 'romance', but for me it is as exciting as winning a lottery, so be patient with me and let me ....be me.

Chapter 83 - Self Worth

I have been working very hard to understand my life and who I am. It has been the most difficult work I have undertaken. You have to be honest...brutally so, and sometimes you don't want to hear what you need to hear, because it hurts. Self-inflicted pain is hard to take.

The past couple of weeks I have been spending time with Tim, a man I met on one of the on-line dating sights. We have never met but we have spent a lot of time together. At first he was very attentive and I really enjoyed it. He made me feel special and needed (wow...there it is again). He isn't a bad man or an abuser...but he is a man, and as most of them do, once he 'had' me, the attention waned.

But, I am proud of myself. This time I did not wait around until I embarrassed myself. Tonight I took the bull by the horns, and I cut him off. Just like that...no words...no excuses...no explanation....just gone. I am tired of being treated badly and I will not stand for it again. He was playing a game with me through the IM system, and frankly...I don't play games, and I don't appreciate being played. Been there...done that.

In my former life I would have wanted to know why the attention had faded...where I had gone wrong...what I could do to fix it. Not anymore, because I didn't do anything wrong...he did, by abusing my loyalty and devotion. I have had it up to my eyeballs with that type of behaviour and I will not stand for it anymore. I don't need to because I am worthy of better treatment. If you can't recognize that or accept that, then it is time for you to go.

I owe him nothing, he owes me nothing. There was no investment of emotional attachment, but I know that if I had continued, my heart would have eventually been involved and it really can't afford to be used again because it is just recovering from a very deep scar. I won't let it get hurt like that again.

So, as nice as Tim was...he just wasn't worthy of my heart. I really enjoyed my time with him, until he started playing games, and then I was beginning to feel sorry for myself because I was waiting for him - OH NO, OH NO...no more waiting for any man. They should be waiting for me, and if they aren't then they weren't the right ones.

If he really wants me, he can make an effort to contact me...if he doesn’t it truly is his loss, not mine. I am learning to have some self-worth.

Chapter 82 - Fantasy Land

So the days and days of waiting were almost over. The day they were to meet was finally here, but the hours were crawling by. They had come up with a plan, that if anyone heard it, would think they were insane.

Both of them had been unlucky with conventional meetings. The bars, the coffee shops, the being set-up by friends, just hadn’t worked for them. They had been doing the on-line dating for a while, but neither one held out a lot of hope for finding someone who enjoyed what they enjoyed. He was into fantasy and she was looking for someone or something creative, still unaware of what she was searching.

How many people are into fantasy? And how many are willing to admit it? I would suspect very few would be that honest, but if truth be told, everyone has done it at least once.

They met by accident while they were both on-line – a chance meeting of kindred spirits of sorts. He made the first move and sent a simple “Hi”. She replied back the same, and then the normal set of questions ensued – “what do you do?”...”what is your favorite colour?”...”How long have you been doing this?” They knew the routine by now. But there was something different about this pairing. He made the first move into fantasy land, and she was looking for something new and exciting. She didn’t even really know what she was looking for, but it couldn’t be routine.

They eventually left the IM system that is included with the on-line dating service, in exchange for a Window’s messaging service - more private. They could then get a little more personal once they felt safer. He was gentle with her, teaching her a new skill. He moved slowly and gradually he got her to open up, and let go.

It is safe in fantasy land. There are no bad endings, just limitless possibilities, as endless as the creativity of the minds involved. There are some ground rules or parameters for the game but they are discovered along the way. A simple “I don’t like that” or a “No” is all that it takes to change the course of play.

Just imagine your perfect partner and what you would like him or her to do or say. How would you like them to treat you or touch you? What would you whisper in their ear if no one were listening? Where would you touch them if there were no conscience telling you not to? How would you react to their touches if you could just let go…and be?

That is the world of fantasy. If you find the right person to play this game with, you will enter a 'Zone' where reality and fantasy are intertwined, becoming one. It will lift your spirit to places you didn’t even know existed. Your body will be reacting to the auditory and the psyche – without so much as a simple human touch – so much so that you are driven to heights of excitement you never knew existed. Each invisible touch, sound, smell is intensified by your mind because it is free to feel it all without having to worry about physical reality. You are in a dream but yet awake.

Have you ever had an erotic dream and awakened before it was ‘over’, and then tried in vain to make yourself go back to sleep and rekindle the moment from the dream? Sure you have – because it just felt too go to let go. Well, fantasy gives you that dream and you can always get to the ending, because you are in control.

It is as addictive as a drug but without a single side-effect, except for a smile and a feeling of innate happiness.

So, were they to meet in reality or fantasy land?

Chapter 81 - What's the fuss?

It's been a rollercoaster of a week, and hence I haven't been writing. Sometimes things are just too ...fresh to write about. I had a set-back of sorts and I haven't been able to write about until today.

It all started when a relative of mine was 'googling' my name and happened upon my blog. It isn't supposed to be linked to my real name, but a couple of weeks ago I made the same discovery. It upset me for a few minutes, then I realized that there was nothing I could do to erase it...and there was a part of me that was okay with it. I have been hiding and lying my whole life - feeling ashamed and guilty, and there it was - out there for the world if they should happen upon it. But what were the odds of someone finding it - slim to none, unless they knew about it. So why worry?

I am not ashamed. I am not guilty. That's what this whole blog has been about...getting over the shame and the guilt, because it is NOT my cross to bear. It is gone, or it was gone, until my sister called and said to me "What if Mom and Dad find out?" There it was again.

I have been working so hard. I have been looking in every dark corner of my life, uncovering all my secrets - some I wasn't even aware of until I started writing. It shed light on everything. I have been taking ownership for the parts that were mine, and sorting out the parts that were never mine. I have been getting my life in order, and then those words came out of my sister's mouth and I was right back to the beginning again.

Recovery is a rough road, with many bumps and turns along the way. You need to fasten yourself in tightly or you will be thrown around...tossed off the path. You have to keep the destination in your sights every step of the way, for as soon as you divert your eyes - something will fly up in your face and hurt you.

This latest incident hurt me. It hurt me because it showed me that there are people who will never understand even though I have tried my best to let them see into my life. They do not understand that there was no other way for me to recover. It wasn't that I wanted to tell my story...I HAD to tell my story. It had to come out of me or I would not have survived - and I am not being histrionic here - that is a fact.

I am not judging them for how they reacted. It was how they were feeling, and they have a right to feel that way. But I am not a child who needs protecting. I am a fifty year old woman who knows what she is doing. It was my choice to put my story on the web. I tried to be discreet, but really why should I? I am not ashamed of what I wrote...or what I did...or how I behaved - I do not regret one thing about it.

So...the blog has been made private - for now, until the dust settles down. The novelty of 'googling' me will wear off, and then I will discreetly make it public again. No fanfare...no waving of flags...and no telling family.

A very dear friend found a quote the day that all this hubbub was going on, and it had to be God guiding her to find it. The words are so perfect it made me cry. Perhaps if they read the quote they might understand...but I doubt it.

"Some day...there will be a story you want to tell for no better reason than because it matters to you more than any other...You'll stop looking over your shoulder to make sure you're keeping everybody happy, and you'll simply write what's real and true...That's when you'll finally produce the work you're capable of."

JD Salinger to Joyce Maynard

Chapter 80 = Getting back on the horse

This dating thing has exposed me to some new fun activities. Last night I had my makeup done by a professional. First I had my hair cut and styled, then I went to a department store and let a total stranger make up my face. She was young and extremely nice and really very gentle with me. She could tell I wasn't a woman who wore a lot of makeup, so I didn't come out of there looking like a cheap hooker. She was very complimentary, so much so I asked her if she got paid by the compliment - she wasn't overdoing it, I'm just not used to compliments and I guess I'm not very gracious about them.

My girlfriend, Cathy, and I have been together almost all our lives, so we KNOW one another. As I was getting made up, Cathy was watching over me like a friend should, giving advice to the lady and some guidance as well. Cathy is a perfectionist, and when my eye-liner wasn't quite symmetrical, she pointed it out. Wouldn't want me facing the world lop-sided now would we?

I was having my face 'done' so that Cathy could take my picture to put up on the dating websites I have joined. I had a picture there...but it wasn't working for me. I dislike having my picture taken, so I never look comfortable. It always appears staged and fake - and that's what my expression looks like - fake. Not an attractive feature.

I decided to try a couple of different coloured blouses to bring out the colour in my cheeks, so there were a couple of costume changes...different poses in a couple of rooms in my house. And we laughed so much. It is such a game, and I really don't know the rules to this new-world of dating...but I am trying, and I am willing to learn.

I sent out my pictures to a group of my female friends to get their opinions on which one they thought should be posted, and everyone agreed on the same picture (not that I gave them many to choose from), so I posted it. Almost immediately I got an e-mail from a guy who liked it.

This man, or should I say young man, was only 34 and we chattd through the dating site for a while then he asked me to IM him through MSN - Warning, warning...is this another yahoo from Nigeria?! No, he wasn't - phew. It was just a nice young guy looking for someone to chat with. I asked him why he was chatting with an 'older' woman and he said he was tired of BS and older women weren't as likely to behave like that. I had to ask "What does a 34 year old know of BS?" His reply was simply "More than you think." It is sad to be jaded at such a young age. Anyway, we chatted for a while, and then I told him I needed to go write. It was funny, because the whole time we were chatting, I was expecting the worst, and nope, not this time.

Don't worry - nothing will come of this, I just wanted to jump back in, test the waters again, and get back on the horse, and this time it didn't buck me off. That's what I need to do.

I have realized that if I were to wait before trying to date, I likely would end up alone. The longer you wait, get comfortable with your life, the less likely you will be to try new things, and I don't want that to happen. I am excited about life again. I know there will be disappointments but they will be minor. I am starting to get my confidence back, getting my feet back underneath me, so I won't be as easily thrown off my pace. Just like a boxer - I am learning to weave and sway with the punches instead of letting them knock me out.