It all started when a relative of mine was 'googling' my name and happened upon my blog. It isn't supposed to be linked to my real name, but a couple of weeks ago I made the same discovery. It upset me for a few minutes, then I realized that there was nothing I could do to erase it...and there was a part of me that was okay with it. I have been hiding and lying my whole life - feeling ashamed and guilty, and there it was - out there for the world if they should happen upon it. But what were the odds of someone finding it - slim to none, unless they knew about it. So why worry?
I am not ashamed. I am not guilty. That's what this whole blog has been about...getting over the shame and the guilt, because it is NOT my cross to bear. It is gone, or it was gone, until my sister called and said to me "What if Mom and Dad find out?" There it was again.
I have been working so hard. I have been looking in every dark corner of my life, uncovering all my secrets - some I wasn't even aware of until I started writing. It shed light on everything. I have been taking ownership for the parts that were mine, and sorting out the parts that were never mine. I have been getting my life in order, and then those words came out of my sister's mouth and I was right back to the beginning again.
Recovery is a rough road, with many bumps and turns along the way. You need to fasten yourself in tightly or you will be thrown around...tossed off the path. You have to keep the destination in your sights every step of the way, for as soon as you divert your eyes - something will fly up in your face and hurt you.
This latest incident hurt me. It hurt me because it showed me that there are people who will never understand even though I have tried my best to let them see into my life. They do not understand that there was no other way for me to recover. It wasn't that I wanted to tell my story...I HAD to tell my story. It had to come out of me or I would not have survived - and I am not being histrionic here - that is a fact.
I am not judging them for how they reacted. It was how they were feeling, and they have a right to feel that way. But I am not a child who needs protecting. I am a fifty year old woman who knows what she is doing. It was my choice to put my story on the web. I tried to be discreet, but really why should I? I am not ashamed of what I wrote...or what I did...or how I behaved - I do not regret one thing about it.
So...the blog has been made private - for now, until the dust settles down. The novelty of 'googling' me will wear off, and then I will discreetly make it public again. No fanfare...no waving of flags...and no telling family.
A very dear friend found a quote the day that all this hubbub was going on, and it had to be God guiding her to find it. The words are so perfect it made me cry. Perhaps if they read the quote they might understand...but I doubt it.
"Some day...there will be a story you want to tell for no better reason than because it matters to you more than any other...You'll stop looking over your shoulder to make sure you're keeping everybody happy, and you'll simply write what's real and true...That's when you'll finally produce the work you're capable of."
JD Salinger to Joyce Maynard
No comments:
Post a Comment