Chapter 83 - Self Worth

I have been working very hard to understand my life and who I am. It has been the most difficult work I have undertaken. You have to be honest...brutally so, and sometimes you don't want to hear what you need to hear, because it hurts. Self-inflicted pain is hard to take.

The past couple of weeks I have been spending time with Tim, a man I met on one of the on-line dating sights. We have never met but we have spent a lot of time together. At first he was very attentive and I really enjoyed it. He made me feel special and needed (wow...there it is again). He isn't a bad man or an abuser...but he is a man, and as most of them do, once he 'had' me, the attention waned.

But, I am proud of myself. This time I did not wait around until I embarrassed myself. Tonight I took the bull by the horns, and I cut him off. Just like that...no words...no excuses...no explanation....just gone. I am tired of being treated badly and I will not stand for it again. He was playing a game with me through the IM system, and frankly...I don't play games, and I don't appreciate being played. Been there...done that.

In my former life I would have wanted to know why the attention had faded...where I had gone wrong...what I could do to fix it. Not anymore, because I didn't do anything wrong...he did, by abusing my loyalty and devotion. I have had it up to my eyeballs with that type of behaviour and I will not stand for it anymore. I don't need to because I am worthy of better treatment. If you can't recognize that or accept that, then it is time for you to go.

I owe him nothing, he owes me nothing. There was no investment of emotional attachment, but I know that if I had continued, my heart would have eventually been involved and it really can't afford to be used again because it is just recovering from a very deep scar. I won't let it get hurt like that again.

So, as nice as Tim was...he just wasn't worthy of my heart. I really enjoyed my time with him, until he started playing games, and then I was beginning to feel sorry for myself because I was waiting for him - OH NO, OH NO...no more waiting for any man. They should be waiting for me, and if they aren't then they weren't the right ones.

If he really wants me, he can make an effort to contact me...if he doesn’t it truly is his loss, not mine. I am learning to have some self-worth.