I experienced the other side of ending a relationship yesterday. I have never broken up with someone, other than my husband, and it is not an easy thing to do. I wanted to be thoughtful and caring, and I took time to think about how I felt when I have been on the receiving end of a break-up.
Mr. Skinny Guy didn't take my hints or my aloofness as an indication that I didn't feel the same way as he did, and I had to find a way to let him go. He is a caring and sensitive man, and I didn't want to hurt his feelings or just disappear. I wanted him to understand why I was leaving him. For me, the most difficult part of a break-up is not knowing why, so I wanted to be clear and kind.
Okay, I wasn't totally honest with him, but to tell him that I had met someone else would have been hurtful, and unproductive. He doesn't need to know. I never said I wasn't pursuing other options, nor did I ask him for exclusivity.
Here is what I wrote to him.
Hi Skinny Guy,
This is not easy for me to do, but I have to go away. Being sick these last couple of weeks has given me time to think and prioritize my life. Things are going to be difficult for my family for the next little while, and I need to concentrate on them and not me.
Thank you for spending time with me, and I appreciate all the time we have shared, but I need to be on my own with my family now.
You are a wonderful man, and you are making a new start in your new apartment, and it should be without ties to before. You will find that woman of your dreams; I am sure of that because you deserve to find what you are looking for...but I am not her...I am way too complicated and jaded for someone as young as you. Find a younger woman with a fresh outlook on life who can dream with you and create the life you want.
Stay creative and true to yourself and be happy.
Sincerely,
Annette
I thought it created softness to the ending, so that he could take something positive out of our time together and move on. There was no negativity or nastiness, just honesty. He had gotten too close, too quickly, and with no reciprocation from me, and the break needed to be clean and clear, and I think it was.
I also ended my time with Mr. Fantasy Guy last night, but this one bothered me, because I really liked him. He is a genuinely nice man who was so gentle with me, and guided me into the world of dating. He was the first man I met when I started on-line dating, and I was very lucky to have met him when there are so many bad people out there. Maybe it bothered me to lose him because he was my first - so to speak.
The reason I ended it with him, was because our 'relationship' had reached its end. We never met. I'm not sure if he is just excruciatingly shy, scared or if that is all he wanted, and I will never know. But I wanted to meet him and tried a couple of times to orchestrate a meeting, but each time, he shyed away, leaving me feeling very alone.
He has a tendency to run hot and cold - lots of contact or none, and I never knew if he would be there or not. He played games on the IM system; where he would appear, and then disappear, and well...you know me...I don't play games anymore. So last night when he started playing around, I had enough and I sent him an e-mail and told him I was going away from him - no more contact. But when I sent the e-mail I felt a tug on my heart, because I will miss him. He sent a lovely note back, saying that he understood exactly what I was feeling, and that he hoped that I would be happy. He is a kind and gentle soul and I hope that we can be friends. Time will tell.
So I am down to only one...Mr. Reality, and we are having fun and he feels comfortable to me...and we laugh. And really, what more can I ask for at this stage in my life, but to have someone who makes me happy. Life is good - today.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Milestones
For anyone who has lost someone who was important in their life, you will understand milestones. There is the first missed birthday, the first anniversary, the first Christmas, and a whole series of firsts, that you celebrate alone. No one is immune to these dates - no one. I know I am more susceptible to them than most people because dates are important to me, and always have been. There is always someone in a family who is the 'keeper' of dates, and that would be me. If there is a significant date to be remembered, I store it away and file it with a reminder note.
I don't know why that is, but it has always been like that. I think it speaks to who I am. I am thoughtful, both in the terms of being pensive and holding thoughts. I cherish people and hold them very close to my heart. I try to think of them...hold them in my head whether they are still with us or not. I don't want to lose people, and I don't handle loss well.
My first loss that I remember was my grandfather on my father's side of my family. He passed away when I was just two, but I remember my times with him to this day. He was elderly and not well, so he spent a lot of time in the house...with me. He read to me, and I would sit on his lap and look up into his soft mustached face and ask to hear the same story repeated too many times, and he never lost patience with me. He was a good grandfather and I loved him.
I remember the day he passed away. Although I didn't really know what death was at two, I knew there was something up. He had been sick and in bed for a while and when no one was looking I would go into his room and reach waaaaayyyyy up and touch his arm. He would turn his head, look waaaaaayyyyy down and smile at me, and off I would go, fulfilled. I knew he loved me. On the day he died I went in and reached waaaaaayyyyyy up and touched his arm...but my touch wasn't returned and there was no smile. In my heart I knew he wasn't there anymore...but I still knew he loved me.
I guess that's what I am looking for with everyone who has left my life. I hold onto them by remembering the milestones to honor them, to show my love for them.
I don't know why that is, but it has always been like that. I think it speaks to who I am. I am thoughtful, both in the terms of being pensive and holding thoughts. I cherish people and hold them very close to my heart. I try to think of them...hold them in my head whether they are still with us or not. I don't want to lose people, and I don't handle loss well.
My first loss that I remember was my grandfather on my father's side of my family. He passed away when I was just two, but I remember my times with him to this day. He was elderly and not well, so he spent a lot of time in the house...with me. He read to me, and I would sit on his lap and look up into his soft mustached face and ask to hear the same story repeated too many times, and he never lost patience with me. He was a good grandfather and I loved him.
I remember the day he passed away. Although I didn't really know what death was at two, I knew there was something up. He had been sick and in bed for a while and when no one was looking I would go into his room and reach waaaaayyyyy up and touch his arm. He would turn his head, look waaaaaayyyyy down and smile at me, and off I would go, fulfilled. I knew he loved me. On the day he died I went in and reached waaaaaayyyyyy up and touched his arm...but my touch wasn't returned and there was no smile. In my heart I knew he wasn't there anymore...but I still knew he loved me.
I guess that's what I am looking for with everyone who has left my life. I hold onto them by remembering the milestones to honor them, to show my love for them.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Chapter 3 - The Wake
I have been feeling under the weather for the last couple of days and really miserable on Wednesday night. I had a mysterious pain that I get from time to time and being the creative person that I am, my mind wandered to a bad place. I was thinking that it likely could be cancer of the liver and my days on this fine earth could be numbered. Okay, the pain was really intense, so I thought that whatever this was it could take me away.
Then my mind went to my wake and the attendees. This brought a smile to my face for some strange reason. I was thinking about my new-found male friends and how they would handle me being gone. I thought of Mr. Reality Guy who is a writer and a wonderful public speaker and I thought he could do the eulogy (he has a wicked sense of humor so it would be light and funny - just the way I would want it). My. Fantasy Guy of course would not show his face but would be lurking in the background - he would attend but couldn't possibly be seen. And finally there would be Mr. Skinny Guy who would, of course, be devastated by my demise and would likely throw himself on the casket, and may even attempt to climb into my casket. Okay - it would have to be a closed casket.
This is what my mind does when it is unoccupied by concrete things. It would be so good to harness this energy for something good, but oh no...this is just so much more fun.
After conjuring up these images, my pain was not pre-occupying my mind so much and I took something to help me sleep. I toddled off to bed with a slight smile on my face, picturing it all.
You see...I am having fun, and even though I wasn't feeling well, I could still see the humor in life. That's what being happy does; it allows you to see the humor in ALL situations. A year ago I couldn't have done this, but now I can, and I do. My life is good and I am grateful for it all - pain included.
Then my mind went to my wake and the attendees. This brought a smile to my face for some strange reason. I was thinking about my new-found male friends and how they would handle me being gone. I thought of Mr. Reality Guy who is a writer and a wonderful public speaker and I thought he could do the eulogy (he has a wicked sense of humor so it would be light and funny - just the way I would want it). My. Fantasy Guy of course would not show his face but would be lurking in the background - he would attend but couldn't possibly be seen. And finally there would be Mr. Skinny Guy who would, of course, be devastated by my demise and would likely throw himself on the casket, and may even attempt to climb into my casket. Okay - it would have to be a closed casket.
This is what my mind does when it is unoccupied by concrete things. It would be so good to harness this energy for something good, but oh no...this is just so much more fun.
After conjuring up these images, my pain was not pre-occupying my mind so much and I took something to help me sleep. I toddled off to bed with a slight smile on my face, picturing it all.
You see...I am having fun, and even though I wasn't feeling well, I could still see the humor in life. That's what being happy does; it allows you to see the humor in ALL situations. A year ago I couldn't have done this, but now I can, and I do. My life is good and I am grateful for it all - pain included.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Chapter 2 - Mr. Skinny Guy
Well...I just have to write this because it is too priceless to keep to myself. I had another date tonight...not with Mr. Yummy or Mr. Fantasy or Mr. Reality...but with Mr. Skinny Guy. Yes, I know, it is hard to believe, but at 50 I have 4 men on the go. Now, before you get your tail-feathers in a knot...I am dating for the first time in...well, my life. I have a lot of time to make up for, since I figure I only have about 10 years of dating left - so I have to work quickly and yes, even have a couple at a time on the go.
Back to tonight. Mr. Skinny Guy is a lovely younger man who introduced himself to me about a month ago. We e-mailed for a while, then we switched to IM, and eventually moved on to the phone, but we had never met...until tonight. He had been talking about a film he wanted me to see called The Fountain, so I inviting him over to see the film. And I repeat "to see the film!!!"
He is sensitive, caring, slow to make a move, and young...I'm not talking chronological age but maturity. He is 45 but he looks about 25 and I have NO idea what he sees in me. Oh, and did I mention that he is five foot six inches and weighs 125 pounds!! I don't even have a girlfriend who weighs 125 pounds. I could break him.
All jokes aside here people...I am a 50 year old woman and I look 50!!! I don't look young for my age, nor do I try to hide it, or lie about it. I am proud of each and every year I have lived. But for some unknown reason, he finds me attractive, and that's flattering to a certain extent.
I didn't want to date him, if the truth be told, but I had promised him that I would watch the movie with him, and I am a woman of my word. So, I had procrastinated as long as I could, and tonight was the night (so to speak). I told him to be here around 7 and we would have dessert and popcorn. I kept it really light and there was no sexual play through the phone or the IM's.
WELL...Mr. Skinny Guy arrived at my door on time, with...are you sitting down...an overnight bag!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As soon as I saw it I thought OH MY GOD! But, you know those little voices that we have speaking to us from time to time, well I have learned to listen clearly to what they say, and before Mr. Skinny Guy arrived, I put my sling on my arm. I pinched a nerve in my neck last week and it has been irritating the hell out of me. The only time my arm is comfortable is in the sling, resting.
Well, we watched the movie and he insisted that I sit beside him all snuggled under a blanket, which was okay, but it really was hard on my shoulder, so when the movie ended I was seriously cramped from my neck to my finger tips (okay, it could be partially my age). I winced when I uncovered myself from the blanket and he reached over to rub my shoulder. Then he moved in for a kiss, and he's a good kisser, so I returned the kiss. But I wasn't comfortable and pulled away from him to re-position myself. Then he said "I can solve that." And then he proceeded to SIT ON MY LAP!!! Okay, it's not bad enough this guy seems way too young to me, or that he is the size of a child, but now he is SITTING ON MY KNEE - yewwwwww!!!!
I don't care how well you kiss, that is an image that just doesn't do anything for my libido - at all. So, I cringed and he thought I was cringing in pain, and I let him run with that. He backed off and said that I really should take something for the pain and go to bed. YES...I need to take something, like a stiff drink to get that image out of my head.
So, Mr. Skinny Guy has gone, and I will have to come up with a tender-hearted way to let him go, because I just can't EVER do that again. It makes me shiver to think about it, and not in a good way.
Hope your evening was better than mine!!!
And for those of you who care...the movie was good.
Back to tonight. Mr. Skinny Guy is a lovely younger man who introduced himself to me about a month ago. We e-mailed for a while, then we switched to IM, and eventually moved on to the phone, but we had never met...until tonight. He had been talking about a film he wanted me to see called The Fountain, so I inviting him over to see the film. And I repeat "to see the film!!!"
He is sensitive, caring, slow to make a move, and young...I'm not talking chronological age but maturity. He is 45 but he looks about 25 and I have NO idea what he sees in me. Oh, and did I mention that he is five foot six inches and weighs 125 pounds!! I don't even have a girlfriend who weighs 125 pounds. I could break him.
All jokes aside here people...I am a 50 year old woman and I look 50!!! I don't look young for my age, nor do I try to hide it, or lie about it. I am proud of each and every year I have lived. But for some unknown reason, he finds me attractive, and that's flattering to a certain extent.
I didn't want to date him, if the truth be told, but I had promised him that I would watch the movie with him, and I am a woman of my word. So, I had procrastinated as long as I could, and tonight was the night (so to speak). I told him to be here around 7 and we would have dessert and popcorn. I kept it really light and there was no sexual play through the phone or the IM's.
WELL...Mr. Skinny Guy arrived at my door on time, with...are you sitting down...an overnight bag!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As soon as I saw it I thought OH MY GOD! But, you know those little voices that we have speaking to us from time to time, well I have learned to listen clearly to what they say, and before Mr. Skinny Guy arrived, I put my sling on my arm. I pinched a nerve in my neck last week and it has been irritating the hell out of me. The only time my arm is comfortable is in the sling, resting.
Well, we watched the movie and he insisted that I sit beside him all snuggled under a blanket, which was okay, but it really was hard on my shoulder, so when the movie ended I was seriously cramped from my neck to my finger tips (okay, it could be partially my age). I winced when I uncovered myself from the blanket and he reached over to rub my shoulder. Then he moved in for a kiss, and he's a good kisser, so I returned the kiss. But I wasn't comfortable and pulled away from him to re-position myself. Then he said "I can solve that." And then he proceeded to SIT ON MY LAP!!! Okay, it's not bad enough this guy seems way too young to me, or that he is the size of a child, but now he is SITTING ON MY KNEE - yewwwwww!!!!
I don't care how well you kiss, that is an image that just doesn't do anything for my libido - at all. So, I cringed and he thought I was cringing in pain, and I let him run with that. He backed off and said that I really should take something for the pain and go to bed. YES...I need to take something, like a stiff drink to get that image out of my head.
So, Mr. Skinny Guy has gone, and I will have to come up with a tender-hearted way to let him go, because I just can't EVER do that again. It makes me shiver to think about it, and not in a good way.
Hope your evening was better than mine!!!
And for those of you who care...the movie was good.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Chapter 1 - Sex in the CyberSpace
Since it is a day to stay inside (even the police are telling us to stay off the roads) I have decided to use my time creatively and create a new blog to help new entrants to the on-line dating services. I have discovered that there is no user's guide...and if anything needs guidance it is new users on these sites!!!
I have been a patron of the sites for the last couple of months and the learning curve has been very steep. It has been an eye-opening experience to say the least. I have met some of the weirdest people with some of the strangest...let's just say foibles. There are other words, less polite, but for now I will use foibles because I don't want to be judgmental...I'll leave that up to you.
I'm also not quite sure what it is about my simple little profile that attracts men with these idiosyncrasies but maybe I should let you read what I put, so that you can see from whenst I cometh. Here is what I wrote...
I am gregarious, fun-loving, faithful, loyal (God...I sound like a dog lol) and I am looking for someone who shares these qualities. I want to have fun with someone who is innately happy. My perfect mate would be willing to share his life stories and willing to listen to mine. I want someone to share my life, not be my life.
Sport - yes I even watch golf and hockey so you won't have to explain what's going on to me. I play golf in the summer (very badly) and I don't get angry when I don't do well...because I am learning. I am a huge Senators fan - okay...I have to admit that when I was younger (and stupider) I was a Leaf's fan (don't know what I was thinking!).
Most of my own house renovations I do myself, so I am just as comfortable putting up drywall as I am going to the theatre. I do all my own painting and have been known to help others - (it's not rocket science, it's just paint!)
I mow my own lawn and do my own gardening, and would rather be outside during the summer than stuck in the house. I have a pool and although it is a lot of work...nothing beats a dip on those steamy summer days.
Sorry, I'm not much into winter sports (I dislike being cold) - so I spend my spare time (after shoveling of course) writing. I am an ardent observer of people because I draw my characters from the people I have met hence I am a very good listener.
I have been told that I have a wicked sense of humor, and enjoy nothing more than having a good laugh (yes, and most of the time, it is at something I have done). Life is too short to take things too seriously - have some fun people!
For a first date I think that we could start with going out for a coffee or a drink. There would be a conversation that would likely include many questions, so that we could get to know one another better.
Thank you for taking the time to read my profile, and I hope to hear from you."
Okay...I have just re-read it and it still sounds normal to me. Maybe there is some secret code that men have - could it be the words "fun-loving"? Do you suppose that could be construed as "open to any person with a fetish"?
Let's start at the beginning. Early in February I decided that I needed to get myself into the dating market and since I am not into the bar scene, I thought I would give the on-line venue a whirl. I started with Match.com since it appeared to be the best or at least that's what their marketing department would like us to believe (could be a false assumption that I based my research upon.) I signed up and paid my dues for a month. Shorty thereafter I 'met' my Nigeria, which I have already written about, but really he was only the first in a string of illegal’s trying to con me into paying for their entrance into our fair country.
A couple of days after that episode I signed onto Lavallife. It is user-friendly and had a much more prolific choice of men. It really is like on-line shopping; you put in your specifications, like height, age, and marital status and run a query and POOF....there they are...a list of potential dates.
Yeah...POOF is right. But now you are left with the decision of making "first contact". It is a bit Star Trek-ish, where you are entering an unknown land, filled with aliens. And I am using the term 'aliens' here with intent, because many are aliens to the human race - not just to our country!
At first I assumed that people were who they said they were, after all I had been honest and straightforward in my profile and my statistics. I didn't lie about my weight...I said I was above average. I didn't lie about my height - I said I was 5' 2". I didn't lie about anything because if I did...what would be the point? There....that's the point - I am assuming that everyone on these sites is here for the same thing as I - WRONG!!!!
There is a plethora of men who are on these sites for one thing, and one thing only - SEX. And from my short experience - most of them are looking for phone-sex. And....are you ready for this...most of them are married. Okay, I suppose most of you are intelligent enough to have already figured this out, but I have been out of the dating market for MANY years and I guess I am naive. It is not a place for naivety.
But the writer in me is naturally curious, so when one of these aliens come calling; my first instinct is to find out more about them. It is a safe environment because you are anonymous until you decide to share your identity - if you ever do.
To give you a for instance of my curiosity, the other night I was on one of the sites, checking my e-mail and I received an Instant Message (IM) from someone. You can accept or decline when an IM comes in, and you can check the profile of the person IM-ing you. I checked and he seemed to be within my range of age and he was a professional - everything seemed okay to accept his invitation to chat.
We started chatting with the normal set of questions concerning likes and dislikes, which I can now type in my sleep. I usually throw in a new one just to keep them on their toes. I really like "How do you vent anger?" or "Tell one good thing about the last relationship you had." Both of these questions tell you something about the character behind the messages. So...we chatted back and forth for about 15 or 20 minutes, and then came THE question. He asked me "So (it's never good when a question starts with 'so') do you have any fetishes?" To which I replied "Fetish is such an odd word...one person's fetish is another person's fantasy. And you?"
As soon as I pressed the return key, I pulled up my shoulders and half closed my eyes, cringing at the thought of the response I would likely get to that question. He was typing a response, so I knew it was coming..."Well...yes I do...I have a foot fetish." Okay, it wasn't as bad as I anticipated, but really, what do I know about foot fetishes. My curiosity and humor got the best of me, so I responded "Oh, that's nothing...I have a shoe fetish!" Yes, we had soooo much in common - NOT!
Then the flurry of questions from him started "Do you have big feet?" Remember to say these questions with a sexual tone to your voice when you read them. It helps to get into their mood. I wasn't sure whether it was a 'good' thing to have small feet or not, but I had to be honest, so I replied "No, I have small feet, size 7” To which he responded "But are they wide?" I could almost hear him drooling at the thought of a WIDE foot. It is a whole different set of sexual talk - foreplay words. But as a writer it is interesting and new so I play along with him for a while, and then he says "Have you ever had phone sex? Can I call you?"
What the hell is this? Is no one having regular sex in the new millennium? Have things changed so much in twenty six year? Are people so afraid of diseases and stalkers that they prefer to do "it" without ever connecting? Have we become such a hi-tech society we have even replaced our intimacy with disconnectedness? What has happened to us?
I have been a patron of the sites for the last couple of months and the learning curve has been very steep. It has been an eye-opening experience to say the least. I have met some of the weirdest people with some of the strangest...let's just say foibles. There are other words, less polite, but for now I will use foibles because I don't want to be judgmental...I'll leave that up to you.
I'm also not quite sure what it is about my simple little profile that attracts men with these idiosyncrasies but maybe I should let you read what I put, so that you can see from whenst I cometh. Here is what I wrote...
I am gregarious, fun-loving, faithful, loyal (God...I sound like a dog lol) and I am looking for someone who shares these qualities. I want to have fun with someone who is innately happy. My perfect mate would be willing to share his life stories and willing to listen to mine. I want someone to share my life, not be my life.
Sport - yes I even watch golf and hockey so you won't have to explain what's going on to me. I play golf in the summer (very badly) and I don't get angry when I don't do well...because I am learning. I am a huge Senators fan - okay...I have to admit that when I was younger (and stupider) I was a Leaf's fan (don't know what I was thinking!).
Most of my own house renovations I do myself, so I am just as comfortable putting up drywall as I am going to the theatre. I do all my own painting and have been known to help others - (it's not rocket science, it's just paint!)
I mow my own lawn and do my own gardening, and would rather be outside during the summer than stuck in the house. I have a pool and although it is a lot of work...nothing beats a dip on those steamy summer days.
Sorry, I'm not much into winter sports (I dislike being cold) - so I spend my spare time (after shoveling of course) writing. I am an ardent observer of people because I draw my characters from the people I have met hence I am a very good listener.
I have been told that I have a wicked sense of humor, and enjoy nothing more than having a good laugh (yes, and most of the time, it is at something I have done). Life is too short to take things too seriously - have some fun people!
For a first date I think that we could start with going out for a coffee or a drink. There would be a conversation that would likely include many questions, so that we could get to know one another better.
Thank you for taking the time to read my profile, and I hope to hear from you."
Okay...I have just re-read it and it still sounds normal to me. Maybe there is some secret code that men have - could it be the words "fun-loving"? Do you suppose that could be construed as "open to any person with a fetish"?
Let's start at the beginning. Early in February I decided that I needed to get myself into the dating market and since I am not into the bar scene, I thought I would give the on-line venue a whirl. I started with Match.com since it appeared to be the best or at least that's what their marketing department would like us to believe (could be a false assumption that I based my research upon.) I signed up and paid my dues for a month. Shorty thereafter I 'met' my Nigeria, which I have already written about, but really he was only the first in a string of illegal’s trying to con me into paying for their entrance into our fair country.
A couple of days after that episode I signed onto Lavallife. It is user-friendly and had a much more prolific choice of men. It really is like on-line shopping; you put in your specifications, like height, age, and marital status and run a query and POOF....there they are...a list of potential dates.
Yeah...POOF is right. But now you are left with the decision of making "first contact". It is a bit Star Trek-ish, where you are entering an unknown land, filled with aliens. And I am using the term 'aliens' here with intent, because many are aliens to the human race - not just to our country!
At first I assumed that people were who they said they were, after all I had been honest and straightforward in my profile and my statistics. I didn't lie about my weight...I said I was above average. I didn't lie about my height - I said I was 5' 2". I didn't lie about anything because if I did...what would be the point? There....that's the point - I am assuming that everyone on these sites is here for the same thing as I - WRONG!!!!
There is a plethora of men who are on these sites for one thing, and one thing only - SEX. And from my short experience - most of them are looking for phone-sex. And....are you ready for this...most of them are married. Okay, I suppose most of you are intelligent enough to have already figured this out, but I have been out of the dating market for MANY years and I guess I am naive. It is not a place for naivety.
But the writer in me is naturally curious, so when one of these aliens come calling; my first instinct is to find out more about them. It is a safe environment because you are anonymous until you decide to share your identity - if you ever do.
To give you a for instance of my curiosity, the other night I was on one of the sites, checking my e-mail and I received an Instant Message (IM) from someone. You can accept or decline when an IM comes in, and you can check the profile of the person IM-ing you. I checked and he seemed to be within my range of age and he was a professional - everything seemed okay to accept his invitation to chat.
We started chatting with the normal set of questions concerning likes and dislikes, which I can now type in my sleep. I usually throw in a new one just to keep them on their toes. I really like "How do you vent anger?" or "Tell one good thing about the last relationship you had." Both of these questions tell you something about the character behind the messages. So...we chatted back and forth for about 15 or 20 minutes, and then came THE question. He asked me "So (it's never good when a question starts with 'so') do you have any fetishes?" To which I replied "Fetish is such an odd word...one person's fetish is another person's fantasy. And you?"
As soon as I pressed the return key, I pulled up my shoulders and half closed my eyes, cringing at the thought of the response I would likely get to that question. He was typing a response, so I knew it was coming..."Well...yes I do...I have a foot fetish." Okay, it wasn't as bad as I anticipated, but really, what do I know about foot fetishes. My curiosity and humor got the best of me, so I responded "Oh, that's nothing...I have a shoe fetish!" Yes, we had soooo much in common - NOT!
Then the flurry of questions from him started "Do you have big feet?" Remember to say these questions with a sexual tone to your voice when you read them. It helps to get into their mood. I wasn't sure whether it was a 'good' thing to have small feet or not, but I had to be honest, so I replied "No, I have small feet, size 7” To which he responded "But are they wide?" I could almost hear him drooling at the thought of a WIDE foot. It is a whole different set of sexual talk - foreplay words. But as a writer it is interesting and new so I play along with him for a while, and then he says "Have you ever had phone sex? Can I call you?"
What the hell is this? Is no one having regular sex in the new millennium? Have things changed so much in twenty six year? Are people so afraid of diseases and stalkers that they prefer to do "it" without ever connecting? Have we become such a hi-tech society we have even replaced our intimacy with disconnectedness? What has happened to us?
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Chapter 85 - A year ago today
I made a promise to myself late in January that as of February 1st, 2008, I would no longer talk about Rett. Yes, it was as simple as that, pick a date and that was it. I have made a conscious effort not to utter his name around my friends and family or anyone for that matter, and so far I have been able to keep my word for the most part. It is a bit like quitting smoking, they tell you just to pick a date and then do it!
My therapist (licensed-thank you) was worried that I was tucking things away again, but it doesn't feel like that to me. It has been dealt with, sorted, and stored - nothing more to say really. I don't want to be one of those women in their seventies and eighties still talking about that "one" love of their life, because he wasn't THE love of my life. I am hoping that the ONE love of my life is still to be found. I am hopeful.
But today is the exception to my self-imposed restriction on Rett-talk because it is the anniversary of the day I sent that infamous e-mail...it is his birthday - 49 years old today, March 4th. I had to mark the day somehow, since he was on my mind, and I won't be sending any e-mails this year.
I was vulnerable and lonely when I sent that e-mail, and hurt. It is a bit like going to get groceries when you are hungry - you end up with food in your cart you really didn't want. I know what my motives were when I sent the e-mail, but somehow I ended up in a place I never meant to go, because I was starving for attention and love.
Happy Birthday Rett James Muttler.
As I have said before, I wish him no harm, and I truly hope he has found happiness. No one should have to go through life without finding love and contentment, as that would be a waste of a life. No one should travel along the path of life alone. Everyone should have someone to share with, to experience things together. No one should be alone, unless they choose to be.
It has been a year today, and I want to look back and see what the year has brought me. I can hardly believe all that has happened in twelve short months. A few months ago I didn't believe I would ever be happy again, but I am. The pain and the suffering are over and I can see daylight. I am in a much better state of mind than I have been in many, many years.
Things are unfolding as they should and I am getting on with my life - living again, but this time not 'for' someone else or 'through' someone else. It has been a long time since I have lived for me. I have moved on, and I am moving on...one day at a time.
I still have a hole in my heart, but it is healing, slowly. I can think of it now without that lump forming in my chest and moving up to my throat and ending in my tears. I can see now that I was duped and played, and while that hurts, it has toughened me up a bit, and I needed that. My eyes are much more open now to signs of disinterest and uncaring.
I have to share my thoughts because that is what this blog has been all about, and I want to be honest. I did wonder if Rett thought about me today, or if his mind went back to a year ago and the first e-mail. I'm sure his self-centred brain was on the outlook today for another one from me - maybe a little worried about what craziness I might get up to - but there is no crazy here...there never was. That part was all in his mind. But I suspect I am but a dull memory in the recesses of his brain - a spec in the sands of his mind's desert. But...he will never forget my name again, of that I am sure.
Oh what a year it has been. I have come from such a dark, desperate place to a much brighter, carefree space. I feel so open and light. No more heaviness or darkness. No more closets to clean, no more shadows to fear. It is like starting over with a clean slate and I just want to scribble all over it - giggling all the while. There is no one to tell me to stay within the lines. There is no one to blame when things go awry because I am in control and responsible, and so far it just feels right.
I have met some new people - some good - some not, but each one has brought me something - an experience to add to my life. The difference this time is that I can let go, and go on to the next. I am not lingering and holding onto something that doesn't feel right because I don't have to. I know who I am and what I want and MOST importantly what I don't want. I will not settle for second best ever again because I deserve the best.
Do you know how good that feels? How good it feels to have your self-worth restored and to know that you worked through every horrid detail of your life to climb the mountain called Self Confidence? I am sure Sir Edmund Hillary did not work as hard to climb his mountains, as I have over the last twelve months. It left me exhausted and spent, but the feeling of exhiliaration once completed, made the trip worthwhile.
I feel as if I have travelled two lifetimes in the past year, but I think I have reached my destination, and I can be happy again.
So, enjoy your day Rett, and linger for a small moment and think back over the year. Review your actions and reactions and see if you can smile. I know I can.
My therapist (licensed-thank you) was worried that I was tucking things away again, but it doesn't feel like that to me. It has been dealt with, sorted, and stored - nothing more to say really. I don't want to be one of those women in their seventies and eighties still talking about that "one" love of their life, because he wasn't THE love of my life. I am hoping that the ONE love of my life is still to be found. I am hopeful.
But today is the exception to my self-imposed restriction on Rett-talk because it is the anniversary of the day I sent that infamous e-mail...it is his birthday - 49 years old today, March 4th. I had to mark the day somehow, since he was on my mind, and I won't be sending any e-mails this year.
I was vulnerable and lonely when I sent that e-mail, and hurt. It is a bit like going to get groceries when you are hungry - you end up with food in your cart you really didn't want. I know what my motives were when I sent the e-mail, but somehow I ended up in a place I never meant to go, because I was starving for attention and love.
Happy Birthday Rett James Muttler.
As I have said before, I wish him no harm, and I truly hope he has found happiness. No one should have to go through life without finding love and contentment, as that would be a waste of a life. No one should travel along the path of life alone. Everyone should have someone to share with, to experience things together. No one should be alone, unless they choose to be.
It has been a year today, and I want to look back and see what the year has brought me. I can hardly believe all that has happened in twelve short months. A few months ago I didn't believe I would ever be happy again, but I am. The pain and the suffering are over and I can see daylight. I am in a much better state of mind than I have been in many, many years.
Things are unfolding as they should and I am getting on with my life - living again, but this time not 'for' someone else or 'through' someone else. It has been a long time since I have lived for me. I have moved on, and I am moving on...one day at a time.
I still have a hole in my heart, but it is healing, slowly. I can think of it now without that lump forming in my chest and moving up to my throat and ending in my tears. I can see now that I was duped and played, and while that hurts, it has toughened me up a bit, and I needed that. My eyes are much more open now to signs of disinterest and uncaring.
I have to share my thoughts because that is what this blog has been all about, and I want to be honest. I did wonder if Rett thought about me today, or if his mind went back to a year ago and the first e-mail. I'm sure his self-centred brain was on the outlook today for another one from me - maybe a little worried about what craziness I might get up to - but there is no crazy here...there never was. That part was all in his mind. But I suspect I am but a dull memory in the recesses of his brain - a spec in the sands of his mind's desert. But...he will never forget my name again, of that I am sure.
Oh what a year it has been. I have come from such a dark, desperate place to a much brighter, carefree space. I feel so open and light. No more heaviness or darkness. No more closets to clean, no more shadows to fear. It is like starting over with a clean slate and I just want to scribble all over it - giggling all the while. There is no one to tell me to stay within the lines. There is no one to blame when things go awry because I am in control and responsible, and so far it just feels right.
I have met some new people - some good - some not, but each one has brought me something - an experience to add to my life. The difference this time is that I can let go, and go on to the next. I am not lingering and holding onto something that doesn't feel right because I don't have to. I know who I am and what I want and MOST importantly what I don't want. I will not settle for second best ever again because I deserve the best.
Do you know how good that feels? How good it feels to have your self-worth restored and to know that you worked through every horrid detail of your life to climb the mountain called Self Confidence? I am sure Sir Edmund Hillary did not work as hard to climb his mountains, as I have over the last twelve months. It left me exhausted and spent, but the feeling of exhiliaration once completed, made the trip worthwhile.
I feel as if I have travelled two lifetimes in the past year, but I think I have reached my destination, and I can be happy again.
So, enjoy your day Rett, and linger for a small moment and think back over the year. Review your actions and reactions and see if you can smile. I know I can.
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