Chapter 85 - A year ago today

I made a promise to myself late in January that as of February 1st, 2008, I would no longer talk about Rett. Yes, it was as simple as that, pick a date and that was it. I have made a conscious effort not to utter his name around my friends and family or anyone for that matter, and so far I have been able to keep my word for the most part. It is a bit like quitting smoking, they tell you just to pick a date and then do it!

My therapist (licensed-thank you) was worried that I was tucking things away again, but it doesn't feel like that to me. It has been dealt with, sorted, and stored - nothing more to say really. I don't want to be one of those women in their seventies and eighties still talking about that "one" love of their life, because he wasn't THE love of my life. I am hoping that the ONE love of my life is still to be found. I am hopeful.

But today is the exception to my self-imposed restriction on Rett-talk because it is the anniversary of the day I sent that infamous e-mail...it is his birthday - 49 years old today, March 4th. I had to mark the day somehow, since he was on my mind, and I won't be sending any e-mails this year.

I was vulnerable and lonely when I sent that e-mail, and hurt. It is a bit like going to get groceries when you are hungry - you end up with food in your cart you really didn't want. I know what my motives were when I sent the e-mail, but somehow I ended up in a place I never meant to go, because I was starving for attention and love.

Happy Birthday Rett James Muttler.

As I have said before, I wish him no harm, and I truly hope he has found happiness. No one should have to go through life without finding love and contentment, as that would be a waste of a life. No one should travel along the path of life alone. Everyone should have someone to share with, to experience things together. No one should be alone, unless they choose to be.

It has been a year today, and I want to look back and see what the year has brought me. I can hardly believe all that has happened in twelve short months. A few months ago I didn't believe I would ever be happy again, but I am. The pain and the suffering are over and I can see daylight. I am in a much better state of mind than I have been in many, many years.

Things are unfolding as they should and I am getting on with my life - living again, but this time not 'for' someone else or 'through' someone else. It has been a long time since I have lived for me. I have moved on, and I am moving on...one day at a time.

I still have a hole in my heart, but it is healing, slowly. I can think of it now without that lump forming in my chest and moving up to my throat and ending in my tears. I can see now that I was duped and played, and while that hurts, it has toughened me up a bit, and I needed that. My eyes are much more open now to signs of disinterest and uncaring.

I have to share my thoughts because that is what this blog has been all about, and I want to be honest. I did wonder if Rett thought about me today, or if his mind went back to a year ago and the first e-mail. I'm sure his self-centred brain was on the outlook today for another one from me - maybe a little worried about what craziness I might get up to - but there is no crazy here...there never was. That part was all in his mind. But I suspect I am but a dull memory in the recesses of his brain - a spec in the sands of his mind's desert. But...he will never forget my name again, of that I am sure.

Oh what a year it has been. I have come from such a dark, desperate place to a much brighter, carefree space. I feel so open and light. No more heaviness or darkness. No more closets to clean, no more shadows to fear. It is like starting over with a clean slate and I just want to scribble all over it - giggling all the while. There is no one to tell me to stay within the lines. There is no one to blame when things go awry because I am in control and responsible, and so far it just feels right.

I have met some new people - some good - some not, but each one has brought me something - an experience to add to my life. The difference this time is that I can let go, and go on to the next. I am not lingering and holding onto something that doesn't feel right because I don't have to. I know who I am and what I want and MOST importantly what I don't want. I will not settle for second best ever again because I deserve the best.

Do you know how good that feels? How good it feels to have your self-worth restored and to know that you worked through every horrid detail of your life to climb the mountain called Self Confidence? I am sure Sir Edmund Hillary did not work as hard to climb his mountains, as I have over the last twelve months. It left me exhausted and spent, but the feeling of exhiliaration once completed, made the trip worthwhile.

I feel as if I have travelled two lifetimes in the past year, but I think I have reached my destination, and I can be happy again.

So, enjoy your day Rett, and linger for a small moment and think back over the year. Review your actions and reactions and see if you can smile. I know I can.