Milestones

For anyone who has lost someone who was important in their life, you will understand milestones. There is the first missed birthday, the first anniversary, the first Christmas, and a whole series of firsts, that you celebrate alone. No one is immune to these dates - no one. I know I am more susceptible to them than most people because dates are important to me, and always have been. There is always someone in a family who is the 'keeper' of dates, and that would be me. If there is a significant date to be remembered, I store it away and file it with a reminder note.

I don't know why that is, but it has always been like that. I think it speaks to who I am. I am thoughtful, both in the terms of being pensive and holding thoughts. I cherish people and hold them very close to my heart. I try to think of them...hold them in my head whether they are still with us or not. I don't want to lose people, and I don't handle loss well.

My first loss that I remember was my grandfather on my father's side of my family. He passed away when I was just two, but I remember my times with him to this day. He was elderly and not well, so he spent a lot of time in the house...with me. He read to me, and I would sit on his lap and look up into his soft mustached face and ask to hear the same story repeated too many times, and he never lost patience with me. He was a good grandfather and I loved him.

I remember the day he passed away. Although I didn't really know what death was at two, I knew there was something up. He had been sick and in bed for a while and when no one was looking I would go into his room and reach waaaaayyyyy up and touch his arm. He would turn his head, look waaaaaayyyyy down and smile at me, and off I would go, fulfilled. I knew he loved me. On the day he died I went in and reached waaaaaayyyyyy up and touched his arm...but my touch wasn't returned and there was no smile. In my heart I knew he wasn't there anymore...but I still knew he loved me.

I guess that's what I am looking for with everyone who has left my life. I hold onto them by remembering the milestones to honor them, to show my love for them.