Chapter 1 - Sex in the CyberSpace

Since it is a day to stay inside (even the police are telling us to stay off the roads) I have decided to use my time creatively and create a new blog to help new entrants to the on-line dating services. I have discovered that there is no user's guide...and if anything needs guidance it is new users on these sites!!!

I have been a patron of the sites for the last couple of months and the learning curve has been very steep. It has been an eye-opening experience to say the least. I have met some of the weirdest people with some of the strangest...let's just say foibles. There are other words, less polite, but for now I will use foibles because I don't want to be judgmental...I'll leave that up to you.

I'm also not quite sure what it is about my simple little profile that attracts men with these idiosyncrasies but maybe I should let you read what I put, so that you can see from whenst I cometh. Here is what I wrote...

I am gregarious, fun-loving, faithful, loyal (God...I sound like a dog lol) and I am looking for someone who shares these qualities. I want to have fun with someone who is innately happy. My perfect mate would be willing to share his life stories and willing to listen to mine. I want someone to share my life, not be my life.

Sport - yes I even watch golf and hockey so you won't have to explain what's going on to me. I play golf in the summer (very badly) and I don't get angry when I don't do well...because I am learning. I am a huge Senators fan - okay...I have to admit that when I was younger (and stupider) I was a Leaf's fan (don't know what I was thinking!).

Most of my own house renovations I do myself, so I am just as comfortable putting up drywall as I am going to the theatre. I do all my own painting and have been known to help others - (it's not rocket science, it's just paint!)

I mow my own lawn and do my own gardening, and would rather be outside during the summer than stuck in the house. I have a pool and although it is a lot of work...nothing beats a dip on those steamy summer days.

Sorry, I'm not much into winter sports (I dislike being cold) - so I spend my spare time (after shoveling of course) writing. I am an ardent observer of people because I draw my characters from the people I have met hence I am a very good listener.

I have been told that I have a wicked sense of humor, and enjoy nothing more than having a good laugh (yes, and most of the time, it is at something I have done). Life is too short to take things too seriously - have some fun people!

For a first date I think that we could start with going out for a coffee or a drink. There would be a conversation that would likely include many questions, so that we could get to know one another better.

Thank you for taking the time to read my profile, and I hope to hear from you."

Okay...I have just re-read it and it still sounds normal to me. Maybe there is some secret code that men have - could it be the words "fun-loving"? Do you suppose that could be construed as "open to any person with a fetish"?

Let's start at the beginning. Early in February I decided that I needed to get myself into the dating market and since I am not into the bar scene, I thought I would give the on-line venue a whirl. I started with Match.com since it appeared to be the best or at least that's what their marketing department would like us to believe (could be a false assumption that I based my research upon.) I signed up and paid my dues for a month. Shorty thereafter I 'met' my Nigeria, which I have already written about, but really he was only the first in a string of illegal’s trying to con me into paying for their entrance into our fair country.

A couple of days after that episode I signed onto Lavallife. It is user-friendly and had a much more prolific choice of men. It really is like on-line shopping; you put in your specifications, like height, age, and marital status and run a query and POOF....there they are...a list of potential dates.

Yeah...POOF is right. But now you are left with the decision of making "first contact". It is a bit Star Trek-ish, where you are entering an unknown land, filled with aliens. And I am using the term 'aliens' here with intent, because many are aliens to the human race - not just to our country!

At first I assumed that people were who they said they were, after all I had been honest and straightforward in my profile and my statistics. I didn't lie about my weight...I said I was above average. I didn't lie about my height - I said I was 5' 2". I didn't lie about anything because if I did...what would be the point? There....that's the point - I am assuming that everyone on these sites is here for the same thing as I - WRONG!!!!

There is a plethora of men who are on these sites for one thing, and one thing only - SEX. And from my short experience - most of them are looking for phone-sex. And....are you ready for this...most of them are married. Okay, I suppose most of you are intelligent enough to have already figured this out, but I have been out of the dating market for MANY years and I guess I am naive. It is not a place for naivety.

But the writer in me is naturally curious, so when one of these aliens come calling; my first instinct is to find out more about them. It is a safe environment because you are anonymous until you decide to share your identity - if you ever do.

To give you a for instance of my curiosity, the other night I was on one of the sites, checking my e-mail and I received an Instant Message (IM) from someone. You can accept or decline when an IM comes in, and you can check the profile of the person IM-ing you. I checked and he seemed to be within my range of age and he was a professional - everything seemed okay to accept his invitation to chat.

We started chatting with the normal set of questions concerning likes and dislikes, which I can now type in my sleep. I usually throw in a new one just to keep them on their toes. I really like "How do you vent anger?" or "Tell one good thing about the last relationship you had." Both of these questions tell you something about the character behind the messages. So...we chatted back and forth for about 15 or 20 minutes, and then came THE question. He asked me "So (it's never good when a question starts with 'so') do you have any fetishes?" To which I replied "Fetish is such an odd word...one person's fetish is another person's fantasy. And you?"

As soon as I pressed the return key, I pulled up my shoulders and half closed my eyes, cringing at the thought of the response I would likely get to that question. He was typing a response, so I knew it was coming..."Well...yes I do...I have a foot fetish." Okay, it wasn't as bad as I anticipated, but really, what do I know about foot fetishes. My curiosity and humor got the best of me, so I responded "Oh, that's nothing...I have a shoe fetish!" Yes, we had soooo much in common - NOT!

Then the flurry of questions from him started "Do you have big feet?" Remember to say these questions with a sexual tone to your voice when you read them. It helps to get into their mood. I wasn't sure whether it was a 'good' thing to have small feet or not, but I had to be honest, so I replied "No, I have small feet, size 7” To which he responded "But are they wide?" I could almost hear him drooling at the thought of a WIDE foot. It is a whole different set of sexual talk - foreplay words. But as a writer it is interesting and new so I play along with him for a while, and then he says "Have you ever had phone sex? Can I call you?"

What the hell is this? Is no one having regular sex in the new millennium? Have things changed so much in twenty six year? Are people so afraid of diseases and stalkers that they prefer to do "it" without ever connecting? Have we become such a hi-tech society we have even replaced our intimacy with disconnectedness? What has happened to us?