Happy Mother's Day

Today has always been difficult for me, another day when I suffer in silence. There will be no long stemmed roses, no home-made cards, no breakfast made with sticky hands and overcooked toast and there has never been.

I've listened to so many parents complain about their children and the problems they bring and the time they require. If they only knew how lucky they were. What I would give to have a child require my attention. If they only knew how empty it feels to not have children.

I know it is just another day...another Sunday like all the others but it is a day that I find very lonely. Over the years I have tried a multitude of ways to distract myself. I have cleaned windows, washed walls, gone for long drives, invited friends over but it always ends the same way - I am alone.

Last year my cousin brought her daughter (the light of my life) in for a visit and that was wonderful. I got to have her give me a hug and lots of kisses. There is something about a hug from a child that feels so loving. When you get a hug from a spouse or an adult - it doesn't feel the same. When a child hugs you it is for nothing more than to be close and to let you know that they love you. They don't want anything more than that. It is such a pure love - that which is only possible from a child. It was my best Mother's Day yet.

I know I am blessed because I still have my mother in my life and not many women my age have that luxury. She is a special lady and has brought nothing but joy into my life. She is funny, loving, intelligent, steadfast and the best mother in the world. She would have made an outstanding grandmother and I regret that she will never have the chance.

But...it is just a day, another Sunday.

For those of you who have children, please cherish them. As much work and trouble as they can be you are very lucky to have them...and they you. So celebrate your day mothers, take a moment to hug your child and tell them they are loved.

One small set-back

I can't explain it, or ignore it, or pretend today because the feelings are overwhelming me. You are on my mind...in my mind disturbing my thoughts, eeking in where I don't want you to be. I have no idea why you are there, but there you are. Why won't you just go away and leave me to hell alone. Let me be and let me go.

Maybe it's because I am tired...not just physically but mentally exhausted. I need so badly to get away from all of this and just relax.

I just figured it out...I have been at the hospital with my cousin who is recovering from surgery - hospital again...and there are the memories. I don't even consciously think of it...but it is there. The smells, the sounds, the unheard cries, the heard cries and out the memories come to play. They are still that close to the surface even after all this time. I HATE hospitals.

In my head I understand the purpose they serve, and thank God we have them, but in my heart they represent a whole different world. Each time I enter the doors, no matter how good I feel, my breathing changes and there is a grasp around my heart, pulling me back in time. I can't shake it no matter how hard I try, my sub-conscious will not let it go.

Well, at least the mystery is solved, and I understand why I am feeling you today. I knew there had to be some realiatic, logical reason for my slip. Now it is time again to re-group, re-gather, re-dress and re-coup yet again. A small set-back on the road of life.

I am okay...I am always okay.