The whispers of our souls

I keep putting off writing this but it has to be done. I very rarely write when I am in the midst of something, it is only when it is over that I want/need to write. And part of me hoped that it wasn't 'over', but it is.

I worked so very hard at not letting my heart get involved with Mr. Reality because it is so wounded and beaten I thought it needed a break. But somehow, when I wasn't paying attention, he sneaked in. And I payed a very dear price for allowing that to happen.

It is so complicated I'm not even sure I can straighten it out enough to write about it. I'm not sure I truly understand what happened. I guess I need to start at the beginning and tell the story.

You already know how we met because I shared that. It is after that things got messed up...or was it during...or was it after? Truly, I think it was doomed from the beginning. In life, there are times when we just need 'someone' and he was just that...'someone'. Each 'love' in our lives has come into our space for a reason, and sometimes it is more difficult to see the whys.

I believe that God, or Buddha or Whoever you believe in, tries very hard to keep our lives very simple. It is we who complicate them by ignoring The Voice of those greater beings when they try to tell us which way to turn, which road to take, which choice to make. They do tell us, but as higher beings, it is our choice to listen or not. I'm not a very good listener. Sometimes these 'beings' have had to shout at me before I heed.

One of these shouts came because of Mr. Reality.

I didn't share with you why I ended it because it was very personal and I thought, at the time, that there was some truth to what he had said to me - how he hurt me.

Things with Mr. Reality never seemed right when I look back on it now. Those voices were telling me early on to cut and run, but as I said ... I wasn't listening. My relationship with him was something I had to go through. There was a life-lesson that I had not fully learned yet and he was the catalysts for me to finally 'get it'.

In case you can't tell, I'm stalling telling you the story - still. Well, here it is...I lent him money. Yes, even after all I have been through with my ex-husband, I still hadn't learned that I don't need to pay someone to be with me. Rett had left me damaged, and no...that's not his fault - that's mine. So, when I met Mr. Reality, I was still recovering. He filled a need - a ten or more year need, but it really wasn't worth the price.

It started out with a small amount and the voice in my head said "NO!" but I wasn't strong enough to listen. I wasn't secure enough in who I was to say no because I thought if I did I would lose him. I also wanted to be able to trust a man again. I wanted...but just wanting something doesn't make it happen.

Trust is such an elusive trait, it's a bit like chasing one's shadow in that you know it is there, you can see it but to capture it is almost impossible. I keep trying to allow myself to let go, stop holding back, stop mistrusting, stop questioning, let my guard down, but every time I let go, it is as if the ground is rushing up to my face and I fall flat - THUD.

You don't need to know the painful details of how much, or how often I lent him money. All you need to know is that he kept going...kept reeling me in...kept using...kept taking advantage - all of which I allowed to happen, UNTIL I had the realization that I deserve better than this. I decided that I needed it to end, even if it hadn't even really begun. I needed to stop it before I was in too deep to get out. And I did.

I thought I had played it safe with him - kept it aloof, just having my needs met, but that's not me. I was trying to be someone else, someone who can not get involved. I almost had myself convinced too, until it was time to let him go. I had my speech planned, my words in my head. We had been having trouble besides the money. He had some issues with intimacy and there were reasons for his issues - big reasons, not the kind I could resolve or help him work through.

So, it was the night for the speech, but before I started, I wanted to make sure that I wasn't making a mistake, so I asked him if we could talk. We had had a particularly bad evening. I had thought that we were going to do one thing...and it didn't come to fruition. I was upset and feeling rejected - which I felt a lot when we were together. I was angry and I didn't want to speak to him from anger, so after I asked him if we could talk, I hesitated to find the words without the anger. He took this opportunity to talk to me from his anger. He told me he was tire of being thought of as a sex toy. He told me he had been trying to build a relationship that was based on something other than sex, but that I wasn't interested. He said he felt dirty.

I was so angry when I was sitting there listening to his words...so hurt that I couldn't find my words, not even my angry words that but a few minutes ago had been so close to the surface. I could feel the blood rushing passed my eardrums and the heat from my blushed cheeks - I felt ashamed.

There it was. This man who I felt had been using me for money, was now ridiculing me for wanting him. What a mess.

I listened for what seemed like hours as he spoke to me. His position spoke louder than his words. When he started, he pulled his legs up and turned his back to me. I tried to defend myself when his rant was over, but I knew that wasn't what I should be saying but I was too hurt to come from a place of strength. I needed time to recover.

I took the time that evening after he left and started to write him an e-mail. In it I told him that I deserved to be treated better. I told him I was not going to apologize for wanting him, or for wanting to be close to him. I have worked way too hard to like who I am to allow anyone to make me doubt myself ever again.

This was a huge step in my life. I knew I was beginning to care for Mr. Reality and if I didn't end it - I would be in the same abusive relationship I was with my ex. I hadn't heard the voice speaking to me when I ended it with my husband - not REALLY heard, but this time it was clear, concise and embedded in my head - GET OUT NOW.

But it still hurt to let him go. I wasn't just letting him go, I was letting go of my hope that i could trust him. I had taken a chance and trusted him even though the voices were telling me not to. I have heard those voices before, often, but I think this time, although it didn't prevent me from doing something wrong, I at least listened when they told me to get out before I got hurt even more.

Those voices that we hear whispering to our souls are there to protect us, to make us understand. Please don't wait for the shouts, like I did.