If tears were droplets of blood...

If tears were not just water and salt but instead droplets of blood, would people so carelessly hurt one another?

Think about this for awhile and see if you can picture yourself saying something hurtful to someone...and then seeing the pools of blood forming in their eyes. How would you feel? Would you keep on going...keep on hurting or would you stop? I'm betting you would stop in your tracks. But somehow, when we see those tiny teardrops, we just keep on going.

When I think back on the hurt that I felt this last year and the too many years prior to that, and I think about the people inflicting the pain - I know that they knew what they were doing. My face is a reflection of my soul and has always been that way, so it wasn't as if they had to try and see beyond my mask. It was written all over my face...it was in my voice...it was in my words, and yet they kept on going.

Why didn't I once yell "That's enough!!"? Why didn't I call a halt to it and walk away sooner? What made me put up with it?

Over this year I have discovered that I must have been getting some payback from it all. I had to have been getting a reward or I would have said enough. What does that say about me?

It says that my self-worth still isn't where it should be. I allow people to hurt me...and say nothing because I still feel that I deserve to be treated badly. I also believe that if I say something to defend myself it will cause strife and that isn't something I am comfortable with.

I need to learn that people will not disappear or stop loving me if I express my feelings. They are my feelings and I am entitled to them. No one has the right to hurt another human being and that needs to be said.

People will still love me and if they don't - they shouldn't have been in my life in the first place. I have to stop putting other people's feelings in a higher stead than my own.

But...I still think that if tears were more visible, people would be more careful with their actions.

Empty Nest

How does one 'let' someone hurt them emotionally? If we were talking physical hurt...and we 'let' someone hurt us, we would be considered a wimp. Imagine standing there and letting someone hurt you. Does that make any sense? Would you stand there an allow that to happen? NO!!! Yet when it comes to emotions, that's exactly what we do. I know we say people hurt us...but in reality we allow it happen. It's like an accident you know is going to happen, and you feel powerless to stop it...you just stand there and watch. Innocent bystanders or active participants?

I am suspecting that this is where the elusive boundaries would come in handy. I have been hearing about these for a while now, but I'm still unsure how they work.

My ex came by last week to remove the remainder of his things from my house. I have given him over a year to decide what he wanted to do with the stuff, but being the procrastinator that he is...he did nothing. He came to the house when I wasn't here, which was fine as I really didn't want to be present when the move took place - too much turmoil for me.

I arrived home after it was done, and I went to the basement to see how nice my empty rooms looked and ... he took it all. We had amassed quite a collection of tools - his...mine...and his deceased father's that we had inherited...but they were all gone. He didn't even leave me a nail.

Most people would have reacted with anger, but not me...I cried. I cried because it hurt me to think that this man that I spent 25 years with...took care of....supported, could not have taken 15 minutes to sort through and leave me a couple of screwdrivers and a hammer. That's what I mean or meant to him - absolutely nothing.

I should have known better. I should have expected this. I should have been prepared for this. I should not let it bother me. But, yet again...I 'let' him hurt me emotionally.

Will I ever learn?