Learning to trust again

Where does trust end and stupidity begin?

We all know that in a relationship one has to trust, because without it...there is no relationship, and not even a friendship. But at some point one has to stop and take stock of where one is - on the side of trust or has it gone beyond that to stupidity. It really is a fine line between the two.

I would like to think that one trusts until there is proof that trust is not warranted. But, by that time, usually I am in over my head and heading towards stupidity.

My relationship is the best that I have ever know and I find myself in love. I wasn't planning on falling in love and I really wasn't looking for love - I was looking for lust. I wanted to have what I missed in my youth, the care-free, unattached, fun kind of activity. I wanted to 'play the field', but at 50+, the field is more like a swamp. It is filled with dark creatures who are lurking in the muddied waters to come out and grab you...drag you down to their level. You have to be aware of your footing and your surroundings.

I have to admit that in the beginning of my new life, I wasn't very good at seeing what was going on around me. I was so self-absorbed, so 'on a mission' that I missed seeing where I was stepping and ...well, you know the story.

But now, here I am in a relationship and I am learning about trust again. At our age we all come with a history and a full set of baggage that keeps us with one foot in the present and another in the past. Mr. Compassion is no different from me. He has just gotten out of a very bad relationship, one that has him still reeling from the aftershocks. I don't think he even realizes how damaged he is.

But we are recovering - together. Slowly, and with respect and understanding. We respect that each of us has a past and that there will be times when our history will influence our present - whether we want it to or not. We understand one another so well that we try very hard to give one another space - space to heal.

To show you how respectful we are...I have a secret to share with you...Mr. C asked me to marry him. I know he meant it...and I know he was sincere...but I also know that he wasn't really ready to make a commitment of that magnitude, but he wanted to tell me how much he loves me - and I understand. But...he isn't ready - yet.

I know that I am not ready and I'm not sure if I ever will be ready to make the leap into marriage again. I know that there isn't really a difference between living together and marriage...but in my mind there is.

For the moment, all I want to do is spend time getting to know this wonderful man I am lucky enough to be with...enjoy our time together...be respectful of one another and learn to love again. I need to learn to trust again or is it just learn to trust (period).

I don't want to rush anything. It's like when you eat something you really, really enjoy...and you want it to last a long, long time...so you take forever to finish it, so that it lasts the longest amount of time possible. I want this to last forever, so we must be patient and let love grow - slowly.