Amen

Well...the deed is done. The parcel will be on its way to Las Vegas with my friend. She will just drop it in the mailbox and let it go.

I mulled over the question of whether to put a note in with it, but after much deliberation I decided to just send it ... no note. I have nothing left to say to him, nothing more that I can do. It is the "Amen" at the end of the sermon so to speak. I needed for it to be gone from my sight and that has been done.

It felt good when I made the decision, like I was finally putting the period at the end of the very long sentence and now I can take a breath and relax.

If I had put in a note it would signify that I was expecting a response or a reaction and I'm not. I don't even care if he actually receives it because my last step in this journey was to get rid of it. There are no expectations anymore because it isn't about his reaction or what he thinks or what he feels because I have no control over any of that. All I can control is me...and my reaction and actions.

I found this quote when I was contemplating putting something in with the pin. It really seems appropriate.

“Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.”

Sara Paddison quote

It's funny...I just took a long deep breath after writing that, and it feels so good to be ... DONE.

Amen

Final Steps

The coincidences that I spoke about in a much earlier piece are still happening. Although I haven't kept track, and they aren't as frequent as they were in the early days, they are still there. It's a bit like the chicken and the egg in that I'm not sure if I see them because you are still on my mind or if they happen and they bring you to my mind...either way...there they are.

Today there was another one. It is drawing close to the anniversary of the day we had sex and I became pregnant...hard to believe it was 27 years ago, but it was. We could be the parents of an adult or we could be grandparents but...we're not.

Of course as the time draws closer you are in my thoughts again. Today while talking to my girlfriend, she shared that she is going to Vegas in November...yet another anniversary time, but one that is harder for me to forget. I still have the present I was going to give you for your 50th birthday...now long passed, but I haven't thrown it away...and I couldn't give it to anyone else because it is something that has to do with your heritage...no one else's.

So, what do I do? If you know me at all you know that I have already made up my mind as to what I want to do. I'm going to parcel it up and have my friend mail it from Vegas. The only dilemma I have is...what do I put in with the pin? Do I put a note in with it, and if I do...what do I write?

I have had some thoughts on this, and one is just to put "Amen"...simple and to the point. Or I could just leave it empty.

Will he know it's from me you ask, well that's the question isn't it, and what will happen if he knows...that I know the answer to...Nothing. I don't want there to be anything, all I want is for it to be gone from my dresser drawer. Yes, I know, I could have just thrown it out, but that wouldn't be something I would do ... is it?

I just want him to think. I want him to remember. I want him to be haunted just like I am haunted...not in a hurtful way, but I want him to consider what he has done and feel that tug on his heart that I feel every time I think about it all. I know...it doesn't mean the same thing to him and it NEVER will. But I can hope that something will work, and it's not for me...it's for someone else who isn't around to defend himself.

It's just the final steps I have to take on my way to recovery.

The Little Black Sparkly Dress

Once upon a time there was a little black dress which lived in an over-crowded closet. It hated being in there because it was dark and cramped. All it longed for was to get out...just once. It wanted to be worn and enjoyed. It was a perfect little dress with sequins and sparkles...not too many but just enough to get noticed. It was a shy and felt very alone.

Each time the closet door would open it would sparkle brightly hoping that today would be its chance to be chosen, and each time...the clothes would be touched and moved and gazed upon...but someone else would be taken for the outing.

But it never lost hope.

It remembered the day that it was chosen in the store, like it was yesterday. It had been hanging on the rack for many months just waiting for the perfect person, then one day along she came. She was perfect. She seemed so excited to find it. She felt the material and touched the sequins and smiled. She held it up to her in front of the mirror and then took it into the change room. It had been in that room many times before, but this time it felt differently. When she looked at herself in the mirror a broad smile came onto her face and she said aloud "This is perfect...it is even the right length."

It knew immediately that it had finally found a home where it would be happy. It could tell by the way that the woman treated it when she came home...carefully putting its special hanging loops onto the hanger... that this woman appreciated it. And ever once in a while the woman would take it out and try it on in front of her mirror, testing out different shoes to see how they looked. She wanted the little black dress.

But it had been years since that special day in the store and still no outing. The trips out to be tried on in front of the mirror had diminished and it was losing hope.

It never doubted how the woman felt about it. Each time it was brought out into the light it could see the smile it brought to her face and how it transformed her. It was doing everything it could. It just needed to have patience and it knew that that special day would come. The door would open and the other clothes would be tossed aside and it would be chosen. It would have the outing it had dreamed about...to a brighter place with lots of music and many people where it could twirl and shine...all of them commenting on how beautiful it was and how the light caught its sparkles.

One day soon...

Lessons learned

I often go over what I write, to see if lessons have been learned, and to also re-enforce them. Okay…sometimes it is a test of my memory too.

I was just reviewing something that I wrote shortly after you called me, around the end of August when I got back from my trip home. For some reason today I actually saw something I hadn't seen before. I wrote about the reasons why I hadn't heard from you after he had dropped the bombshell…you know the one where you told me you had feelings for me…and I really did know why, even back then. I wrote "I think that you went further than you wanted to and you need to reel it back." I knew you needed space to think about what you had said, but instead of giving you that space…I jumped on your imaginary bandwagon. I jumped on because where I was standing was even scarier and shakier than the imaginary bandwagon. You knew it was wrong…you knew it would go nowhere, and you truly didn't want to hurt me. I should have heard you and after reading my writings…I guess I did on some level, but my heart wasn't listening to my head.

Only now that I have a really secure good life do I realize how bad things were then. I know, in those moments, I didn't. But now I do.

It truly was like explaining colour to someone who has been blind their whole life. They have nothing to compare it to, nor did I. How could I have known what a 'good' relationship was? How could I have known what real feelings were? I'd never experienced that.

I keep asking myself "what was I looking for?" What did I think was going to happen…and truly it didn't matter what it was…it just had to be better than the life I was leading.

Your life couldn't have been very good either. You were grasping at imaginary straws too. Two emotionally unhealthy people reaching for each other to find love not having seen each other in over 25 years.

The only difference between us was that your saw the 'truth' before I did because you must have had a glimpse of it at one point in your life. You knew better. I didn't...until now.

That's what life is about...learning lessons.

Get over it

I heard a line today while watching Oprah that almost stopped me in my tracks. During an interview with someone who had tragically lost her son at age 16, the woman said "If you have lost a child...you don't fear death." I had often wondered why death doesn't scare me and there it was. I hadn't ever thought about it like that, but there is much truth in that short statement.

I cried as soon as I heard the line - tears streaming down my cheeks because another life-truth has been unveiled for me.

Rett told me .... several times ... to "get-over it" and "move on" with my life. Well, it is my life. It was and is a part of me and my life. It has made me who I am and how I react to events in life. There are times when it is triggered and there is nothing that I can do about that, but each time it is triggered lately it has been a source of clarification. I often find myself after one of these episodes, saying..."Oh...that makes sense." Slowly making sense of who I am and why I feel the way I do.

I can't get-over it. This wasn't an unimportant event in my life...it was a life-altering moment and that's what it does. It ALTERS your life, your views, your path.

I think Rett meant for me to 'get-over' the anger because that would make things easier for him, in that, he would feel less guilt if he thought this hadn't altered my life. How shallow does he think I am? More precisely...how shallow is he?

My life was changed and I know that it was changed for the better. I didn't know that a few years ago, but I do now. I don't fear death or the ending of my time on this earth and I never have. I have a different perspective on death than most people and that's not a bad thing. Why fear something we have absolutely no control over anyway? Now that's a waste of time.

So..I will embrace my life and live every moment to the fullest, trying to bring a smile to situations and I will be kind to people until it is my time to 'get-over' into the next life.

Kindness, caring, understanding, honesty…and love

We were just two ordinary, lonely people trying to find someone who would treat us as we treat other people, with kindness, caring, understanding, honesty…and love. When you break it down into its smallest components, that's all we were looking for…we weren't looking for any particular body type, or age, or hair colour, or social status. Both of our 'wish lists' were very minimal, just as we are minimalists. So why was it so hard to find? Why are these simple, common qualities so elusive?

We had both been very badly treated in our previous relationships, so we were both gun-shy…not ready to jump in with both feet. We had been using the same on-line dating site for a while and had become experts at sniffing out deception.

I had seen his profile when I was doing searches, but I very rarely, if ever, made first-contact with men. I preferred to let them decide whether they wanted to talk or not…less chance of rejection that way. I received an e-mail from him, and he sounded interesting. We started off by exchanging a couple of light e-mails and shared 'some' personal information, but nothing too deep. I had a pre-set couple of questions I would ask new interests that I considered ice breakers and I sent them off to him. His replies weren't the 'normal' on-line dribble, but instead were thoughtful and very well written. He peaked my curiosity instantly.

The next phase in the on-line world is to move from the dating site communication facility to MSN e-mail, which we did after several days. This step, although non-committal, offers a hint of interest…a positive step forward. It allowed us to share a bit more information and to communicate more freely.

It was during this time that I admitted to him that the profile I had on the site was not totally truthful. The untruths were nothing serious and I was using them more to hide from someone, than to lead anyone astray, but still…if I were going to proceed with him…I had to come clean. This was also a test (which I didn't realize at the time) that allowed me to see how he handled forgiveness…how understanding he was. One criteria checked off my list!

The next phase is the dreaded phone call. This phase can so easily go awry. I hadn't recognized how important, not only the tone of someone's voice, but their ability to communicate, was to me until I started dating again. If a phone call didn't go well…there was no reason to enter the next phase. That's a lot of pressure on one phone call. But hope springs eternal and when you have opened yourself up for a new life…a better life, you are willing to take chances.

He convinced me to give it a try…and to eliminate some of my trepidations, he told me how to block my number so that, even if he did have call display (which he told me he didn't), he would not be able to see my phone number. That showed caring on his behalf…to think of me before thinking of himself. Another item off the list.

I put through the call and he answered the phone, phew...he didn't sound like a cartoon character (don't laugh...that happened to me), but he did sound wonderful. The first few minutes were awkward, as they always are, but within minutes we were chatting like we had know each other for years. Sharing and laughing,talking and listening,inquiring and learning. We talked for hours and the time passed in a blink. There were no lulls in the conversation and I was intrigued. We finally ened our conversation, not because we wanted to but because he had gone through the batteries on two mobile phones. Neither one of us really wanted it to end.

The next day we exchanged more e-mails, each one getting a bit more familiar than the last. We wanted to meet...but where and when. From my previous dating experience I had used a local restaurant - it's safe and the atmosphere is very nice, so I suggested there. He was fine with that.

We exchanged a couple more e-mails and I really wanted to get to know him better and the more I thought about the restaurant the more it seemed too cold...to distant. The table in each booth is wide and that means that the other person is so far apart...no chance to touch. Nope, I needed something better than that.

I thought of the local Chapters and the coffee shop...yes that would be perfect. It's quieter and they have nice big comfy chairs. So it was decided and that's where we would finally meet. It was less formal than the restaurant because he had shared with me that he preferred jeans and a T-shirt to dressing up. He was being honest about who he was...what he like, and yet again...another one off the list.

We exchanged a few more e-mails...and I was even more comfortable, and then I thought...why am I meeting him there? It's Sunday and the place will be packed in the afternoon. We'll spend the whole time fighting for one of those nice comfy chairs and that will cut into 'our' time. So...I sent yet another e-mail to him and asked him to meet me at my place. That worked for him too.

I can remember opening the door that day and seeing those kind eyes - the ones that I had imagined when I had closed my eyes while I was talking to him. I do that when I talk to someone I haven't met - I try to imagine from their voices what their faces will look like; the shape of their face, the colour of their hair...and how their smiles will look. Not that any of these things matter...it's just something that I do.

He arrived at the door with a bottle of white wine (something I had mentioned that I liked when we were chatting) and some beer for himself. It was a very generous gesture that I appreciated...and thoughtful. We moved into the kitchen to put the wine and beer to chill, not really stopping to look at one another but taking every opportunity to sneak peaks.

He was lovely looking...especially those eyes. He had a beard - a little gray, but so nicely trimmed...his hair was dark brown and there was lots of it. He was taller than I but with my heels on...it is hard to judge how tall. I did notice his arms...strong, wonderful arms. At some point while we were still in the kitchen, we kissed and oh....my.....God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had never understood what people meant by chemistry, until this very moment. He kissed me and my knees melted from under me. It was a good thing that those strong arms were holding me or I would have melted into the floor.

I'm not sure how long we kissed in the kitchen or what was going on in the world around me...all I know is that I realized in that moment that this was the best thing I had ever felt in my entire life...and I wasn't going to let this one get away - and I haven't.

And yes...the last item is off the list...this is love. June 8th, 2008 will be a date that I will remember forever.

Out of my heart

I know that I have moved on, but sometimes memories keep pulling me back. This is one of those times.

Rett's birthday and the anniversary of all that happened two years ago (has it been two years already?) is very quickly approaching. He is on my mind. I could deny it or ignore it, but it doesn't change the fact, so I might as well embrace it.

I've learned that the things I once thought of as odd coincidences aren't...he is on my mind and the Power of Attraction is bringing things to my attention that have always been there - just not as close to mind.

Tonight when I got home from work there was a flyer in the mailbox from the company where I ordered the kilt pin for Rett. I didn't order it in February...I ordered it in August or September, so it isn't a 'normal' yearly reminder. It is just a co-incidence that they sent these out at this time of year. But in a little over a week it will be Rett's 50th birthday and I had said that I might just parcel up the pin and send it to him. It is of no use to me because it has his family's crest and motto on it, and really...it is just something for me to run across from time to time and bring him back to mind. Do I need that? No.

So...here I sit contemplating what to do - yet again. Should I send it or should I keep it?

Part of me just wants it gone, and it would complete what I said I was going to do. The other part of me would rather just leave things alone...and the battle in my mind starts all over again.

He's still there...in my head, but at least he is no longer in my heart.

Yeah, we've got it bad

The holiday season is drawing to a close - only a couple more hours remains before the work week begins yet again. I have had a wonderful holiday with Mr. C. We have spent almost every waking hour together and I still yearn to be with him.

We had a moment while sitting on the couch side-by-side (our now normal position) where we both admitted that we dislike being apart. I'm not talking about being gone for a weekend, or a day...I'm talking about a couple of hours in another room in the house. When I am apart from him...it is as if a part of me is 'missing'. Okay, I know that sounds so cliché but it is our truth.

So what do we do about it? According to Mr. C this is not abnormal, but according to my life, this is very abnormal. In my previous 'relationships' I couldn't wait to be alone, for the other person to be in another room, house, town, or county for that matter.

So here I am dreading Monday, not really knowing how my heart will survive. I know it will, but it won't feel good. I have to concentrate on work so that time will pass quickly, otherwise I will be watching the minutes slowly passing as if in slow motion. If I'm busy, then the day will fly by and I will be home again, in the arms of the man I absolutely adore.

Sad isn't it...to be in love? Ever been so happy you cry - your heart is so full that it spills over and comes out your eyes as tears of joy? Your eyes lock and there is a look that only the two of you know what is being said in the silence? Held hands for so long that your fingers are cramped from hanging on? Are intertwined in bed at night - uncomfortably so, but never move for fear that the other might move away?

Yeah I think we have it pretty bad...and I don't want a cure.