Lessons learned

I often go over what I write, to see if lessons have been learned, and to also re-enforce them. Okay…sometimes it is a test of my memory too.

I was just reviewing something that I wrote shortly after you called me, around the end of August when I got back from my trip home. For some reason today I actually saw something I hadn't seen before. I wrote about the reasons why I hadn't heard from you after he had dropped the bombshell…you know the one where you told me you had feelings for me…and I really did know why, even back then. I wrote "I think that you went further than you wanted to and you need to reel it back." I knew you needed space to think about what you had said, but instead of giving you that space…I jumped on your imaginary bandwagon. I jumped on because where I was standing was even scarier and shakier than the imaginary bandwagon. You knew it was wrong…you knew it would go nowhere, and you truly didn't want to hurt me. I should have heard you and after reading my writings…I guess I did on some level, but my heart wasn't listening to my head.

Only now that I have a really secure good life do I realize how bad things were then. I know, in those moments, I didn't. But now I do.

It truly was like explaining colour to someone who has been blind their whole life. They have nothing to compare it to, nor did I. How could I have known what a 'good' relationship was? How could I have known what real feelings were? I'd never experienced that.

I keep asking myself "what was I looking for?" What did I think was going to happen…and truly it didn't matter what it was…it just had to be better than the life I was leading.

Your life couldn't have been very good either. You were grasping at imaginary straws too. Two emotionally unhealthy people reaching for each other to find love not having seen each other in over 25 years.

The only difference between us was that your saw the 'truth' before I did because you must have had a glimpse of it at one point in your life. You knew better. I didn't...until now.

That's what life is about...learning lessons.